March | 2014 | Coal Troll's Blog

I’m an idea man. That means I think about things and don’t accomplish a whole lot. Imagine Steve Jobs without the intelligence and work ethic. For instance, I’d like to have a universal TV remote control implanted in my brain. I’m sure it can be done, but I just can’t get started on it.

I watch a lot of TV. Many of my friends harrumph “I don’t watch TV, except CSPAN. I’m too busy re-reading the classics.” Well, good for you. You’re missing out, my pseudo-intellectual friend.

Sports are on TV. The great film Road House is often on. There are news programs, comedies, horror movies, history programs and, of course, Reality TV.

Reality TV is just TV without actors. You take non-actors and film them doing stuff. It helps if your stars are mentally impaired, already famous, or have odd physical anomalies. Generally strange lifestyles such as survivalism, obscure religions and polygamy are also pluses.

Reality TV falls into two broad categories. One is slice of life programming ranging from the curious world of Honey Boo Boo to the insufferable largesse of the Kardashian family. The other category is the competitions such as singing, dancing and survivalism.

TV producers love Reality TV because it’s cheap–no actors, no sets and very little scripting. Of course, there are scripts. After all, if we really followed someone’s life we’d watch them make beds, pay bills and nap. We have to have a little structure for entertainment purposes.

With all this in mind, I’ve been thinking, as I’m wont to do, about my own reality shows. I have several ideas, and they are all solid gold.

AMISH CSI

We take a young Amish man (probably named Yoder) and set him off during Rumspringa to be trained as a crime scene investigator. Yoder incorporates his Amish ways into modern crime-fighting, using saw dust to dust for fingerprints and drawings instead of demonic photography.

Yoder returns to Pennsylvania Dutch Country to fight crime among the Anabaptists. Each week we follow him as solves a new mystery such as horse thievery, buggy vandalism and the use of electricity. Violent crimes are not excepted, either. He can investigate forced shavings and other such outrages. I’ll figure it out as we go along. Remember: The Amish are entertaining regardless of what they are doing.

132 POUND SCROTUM GUY

Anyone who follows me on the various social media knows my admiration of The Learning Channel Special, The Man With the 132 Pound Scrotum. I’m a big fan, not as big as his scrotum, but big nonetheless. I was equally parts fascinated and horrified. Why? Well, the guy had a freakin’ 132 pound scrotum!! How about that?

In my show, we follow him around with a camera and record his adventures. Okay, I know the guy got the scrotum thing fixed (Thank God!). I would never suggest that he regrow it just for my TV show (unless he really wants to). We can fit him a lifelike prosthetic scrotum to duplicate the real one.

We can get him a job in various Reality TV occupations such as pawn shop owner or commercial fisherman. Hilarity and horror will ensue, because of–well, you know–the giant scrotum situation. Perhaps we can even turn him into a Doomsday prepper just to see if anyone would be willing to share his shelter with him.

Did I mention that he had a 132 pound scrotum? People will tune in just to see that.

DANCING WITH THE DWARVES (DWARFS?)

Everyone loves little people. They used to be called midgets, but I understand that is now a pejorative term. I think “dwarf” is still okay, but it sounds worse than midget. By the way, is it “dwarves” or “dwarfs?” I don’t know. Spellcheck says it’s “wharves.” I’m pretty sure that’s wrong.) Anyway, if that, too, is offensive we’ll change the title, although we lose a certain alliteration.

This one is simple. It’s just a dance competition among little people Here’s the twist: Their dance partners are non-little people professional dancers. (I hesitate to say “normal” sized. After all, that infers that the little people are abnormal. I don’t want to alienate my core audience). Wouldn’t you watch little people dance madly about trying to keep up with their larger partners? OR we could have professional little people dancers try to teach clumsy big people how to dance. Either way, it’s ratings gold.

SISTER WIVES AND BROTHER HUSBANDS

The History Channel’s R. Lee Ermey marries Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’s Mama June, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson, Chloe Kardashian and Flavor Flav. They all move into a house together. I don’t have anything else figured out for this yet, but you’d watch it.

NAKED AND GAY

This is perhaps my most controversial idea. Homosexuals have long been feared, yet quite entertaining. From Broadway musicals to figure skating, they have provided endless hours of joy for heterosexuals who are otherwise are terrified of them–much like our African-American friends were viewed a generation or so ago.

I’m tired of this. I want to create a fascinating gay reality show intended to both entertain and horrify. Each week, we take a couple of gay men, the more flamboyant the better (think of a gayer version of skater Johnny Weir). We then strip them naked and place them in various survival scenarios. (Alright, they don’t have to be naked–unless they want to be, in which case I’m perfectly okay with it.)

I’d prefer gay men for show–not because I’m gay or anything, not there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that the world of pornography has worked many years to mainstream lesbians. Gay men, on the other hand, remain feared and loathed, what with their awesome Gay Agenda which they pass out to people on the street.

We’ll send them to gun shows, Tea Party rallies, NFL locker rooms, church services, Arizona–anywhere we can think of that they might be unwelcome. They can announce things like “Hey! We’re gay people! We’re here to turn you and your children and grandchildren all gay like we are!” They can make out with each other. Maybe we’ll even send a minister to marry them on the show. As long as they gay it up good, I’m fine with it.

Controversy notwithstanding, I realize there’s not much of story line here. I mostly just want to annoy people. This will probably do it.

These are just five ideas. I have many more. We can take a bed-ridden, morbidly obese person and have him or her live in the wild with Bear Grylls for a week. How about someone with a hideous deformity trying to become a country music star? What if Gary Busey and Bob Dole travel across the country on Route 66 on motorcycles? Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, Willie Aames and the Kid from Deliverance form a Christian Alt-Folk band? The Bachelor, starring Abe Vigoda? Let’s set up a camera in prison and hope that we see Jerry Sandusky get violently abused.

I’m running out of ideas now. I’ve been thinking about something like a microwave, only it freezes things really fast….