MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE: Five Changes You Must Make

When I was a young lawyer, one of my aged partners suggested that our firm should be like the “Athenian youth” and strive to leave the world a better place for our having been here. That is certainly a laudable goal. Who among us doesn’t want to make a difference? Too often, we while away our time on personal, even selfish, pursuits. I hold to the belief that each of us in our own small way can make a positive difference in the world.

You make think it unrealistic to expect to impact the world as whole. You may be right about that. After all, many of us have limited skills and even more limited work ethics. If our efforts require much in the way of ability or effort we likely will fall short. Do not despair. There ways–simple ways, in fact– each of us can make the world a better place. If we can have a positive impact on just one person, we will have made a difference.

The person with whom we should start is me. That’s right. I deserve a better life as much as anyone, maybe more. If you can do even one thing to make my life easier, you will not have lived in vain. You will have helped me. I can think of nothing more commendable.

Here are five things you can do, starting today, to improve my lot in life. Let’s get started

DON’T DRIVE A CAR

The environmental damage from automobiles is well-known. Even electric cars require all manner of minerals for their construction, the mining of which is always controversial. If, like me, this doesn’t persuade you in the slightest to give up your car, consider the effect of your car on me.

Maybe you’re one of those people who always drive 10-15 mph below the speed limit. You’re annoying me. When you look in your rear view mirror and see the line of traffic, just assume I’m in that line. Why inconvenience me? I have to be somewhere–and soon. Besides, the way your drive, you’re close to walking anyway. Just go ahead and hit the pavement.

Even if you drive at normal speeds, you still need to park that car. Traffic stresses me out. I have places to go, things to do. Put bluntly, you’re in my way. Public transportation is perfect for you. Better yet, stay at home. What is so horrible in your home that you are compelled to leave it? Stay there and address your disturbing domestic problems.

Speaking of parking, if you drive you will eventually park somewhere. I need that parking spot.

Of course, some of you drive for your livelihood. By all means, continue to do so. You may be delivering something I need. Plus, someone must provide transportation to those who no longer drive. It certainly won’t be me. I’m busy trying to get somewhere.

2. DON’T PLAY THE LOTTERY

All over our great country, there are outlets available to buy lottery tickets. PowerBalls, MegaMillions and other variations beckon. The dizzying selection of scratch off games sit spooled like toilet paper waiting to be ripped loose by cholera-ravaged unfortunates. Riches await. Our nation’s vast network of convenience stores are the prime culprits in separating you from your money.

We all know that the odds winning big in the lottery are astronomical, on par with getting a chance to walk on the moon. Every day, untold thousands of people waste their hard-earned money on these games of chance which amount to nothing so much as a regressive taxation system. (Honestly, I have no problem with a regressive tax. The progressive tax system has never done me any favors. That rant will have to wait for another day.)

These are compelling reasons to avoid the lottery. The most important reason, though, may be less obvious. The next time you are purchasing your tickets turn at look behind you. That is me standing in line. I have patronized this convenience store for–you guessed it–the convenience of it. I know that prices are higher than at the grocery store, often considerably so. I have selected this store for the speed and, again, the convenience of it.

You, guided only by your avarice, have robbed me of the one commodity I value at that moment–convenience (are you sensing the pattern yet?). In fact, there is nothing more inconvenient than to stand in line with a cup of coffee while you negotiate a transaction only slightly less complex than currency arbitrage.

The odds of your winning the lottery are remote, at best. The odds of royally ticking me off, though, are virtually certain. Please, move along.

3. SPREAD THE WORD–SOMEWHERE ELSE

I have no problem with your religion, unless you use it do great harm to others. Even then, my problem is likely to be with how you practice it, not the faith itself. Regardless, I don’t want to hear about it. This comes from someone who has always been fascinated by religion. I’ve studied religion from various perspectives, both the faithful and skeptical. If I’m curious, I’ll get the information.

When you want to tell me about your religion, I’m very likely to be somewhere between disinterested and down right hostile. This is true even if I agree with your views. Why am I so obtuse? Religion (or spirituality, if you prefer) is a matter of faith, not argument or persuasion. Nagging or yammering at someone won’t bring him around to your views. When that someone is me, it may cause the person to adopt contrary beliefs simply to frustrate your efforts.

You might assume that I am directing this solely at Christians. You’re wrong. If, like me, you are an American, you probably live in America where most people claim to be Christian. Naturally, most of our contact is with Christians. Regardless, I implore people of all religions to follow this lead. For example, if you are Hindu do not concern me with your views of Vishnu or Shiva. I know a Buddhist, and I sincerely hope that he does not tell me of the proper path to the Middle Way. I’m comfortable with where I am, leaning much more toward indulgence than asceticism.

Nor are you atheists excluded. As a matter of fact, you’re especially not excluded. I know you’re proud to be an atheist. Consider me to be on a “need to know” basis. I have no need to know. Here’s idea: Find a vegetarian and you two can “one up” each other on the solid, empirical grounding of your views.

At this point, some readers are preparing comments to enlighten me on why they will not be silent. You’re really missing the point, which is simply to make things easier for me. Your comments won’t do that. Plus, I’m not asking you to be silent. Just be silent around me, and assume that I am always around.

4. VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE–QUIETLY

Everything I abhor about hearing about your religious views applies with even more force to your politics. Unlike religion which is driven (mostly) by genuine belief, political drivel is often impelled by the desire to be in the know and perhaps a bit smarter than others. These are repellent characteristics. More importantly, they annoy me and can diminish my enjoyment of such important pursuits as surfing the Internet and mindlessly watching television.

I’m well aware that there is only so much I can expect here. Politicians and talking heads are inescapable. But, ask yourself: “With all this political discourse, what could I possibly add to the conversation, given my obvious limitations?” I’m sure you’ll agree that you run a much greater risk of annoying me than contributing anything meaningful.

If you are truly committed to improving my life, you will take this to heart. That door you knock on with a fist full of campaign literature could be mine. It could be me who reads one of your wrong-headed screeds on social media. It’s not that I don’t respect your views (which I may not, of course). It’s just that I don’t care. Isn’t it unfair and more than a tad selfish to inundate me with tripe that only you and others care about it? You’re better than that–or at least you should be.

You’re angry about the state of the world. I get it. If I were you, I’d be angry, too. But I’m not you. I’m me. It does no good to have two of us angry.

5. RAISE YOUR OWN FOOD

Modern agriculture has changed the world. We feed far more people than was thought possible even a generation ago. Our grocery stores brim with foods of all kinds. Sadly, the price we pay is high one.

Additives, preservatives, chemicals and the like endanger our food supply. Our farm animals are fed steroids. Genetic modifications have made many foodstuffs risky. Most important in our daily struggle is the cold, hard fact that I frequently go to the grocery store to buy this stuff.

I like my food chock full of preservatives. I want it preserved as long as possible. Chemicals don’t bother me. I like huge, mutated chickens pumped full of steroids. I want my beef dyed red. I want my fruits and vegetables sprayed down with insecticides. I don’t want to eat bugs. In short, the modern grocery store is exactly what I want. You, on the other hand, need to make changes. Why?

You’re the person with 11 items when the sign plainly limits the checkout lane to TEN FREAKING ITEMS! You position your cart in the aisle where I can’t get by on either side. You pay with checks, like some troglodyte who just emerged from his subterranean lair. Why not see if they’ll take pelts? You use coupons. Think about this: If you need to use all those coupons, isn’t it just possible that you can’t really afford to buy food in a store?

Grow your own food. Raise chickens. Buy a cow. Even a modest quarter acre lot will accommodate at least a couple of cows. Get a hog. Grow something. Your ancestors foraged for their food. Get off your high horse (you can eat those, too, by the way) and quit acting like you’re better than your kinfolk.

Since you won’t be driving a car, raising your own food makes perfect sense. It will be convenient for you and, critically, ME. The world will be a better place–at least for me.

©www.thetrivialtroll.com 2016

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The New Year at the Gym: Here We Go Again…

The new year is upon us, 2016 to be exact. As always, many folks have resolved that this is the year they will lose those unwanted pounds and get in top shape. How do I know? I’ve belonged to a gym for many years, and I see these folks every January. Today is January 1, and I saw them at the gym. Oh, they weren’t working out (after all, it’s a holiday). They were getting tours of the gym, meeting with trainers and signing contracts. Soon though, they will descend upon the gym like New Years Eve revelers.

I used to rail against the Resolvers, scoffing at their half-hearted efforts knowing that they would fall by the wayside within a few weeks. I’ve changed. I welcome them. Everyone should exercise. I am 53 and in quite good condition, especially compared to my peers. I feel good, both physically and mentally. Why should I begrudge that to others just because they get in my way for a few weeks?

Rather than resent the Resolvers, I want to help them. Understand that I am not an athletic trainer. I am not an athlete. I do, however, go the gym quite often–6 or 7 days week. If I’m on the road, I find hotels with gyms. If I can’t find one, I find a local gym that will let me workout for a small fee. I’ve been to gyms all over the country, from New York City to Hawaii. I know the rules, both written and unwritten. If you’re a Resolver, please read on. It will save us all some grief.

BE REASONABLE

If you haven’t worked out in a while, act like it. “In a while” also means “ever.” Most people in the gym have been there before. They have workout routines that reflect their experience. You, on the other hand, need a routine that reflects your years of sloth. That may sound harsh, but it’s true.

You’ll see people who look like you want to look, with trim waists and rippling muscles. It is tempting to watch what they do and copy it. Stop. These people are working out like trim-waisted, rippling-muscled people. You need to work out like a flabby, doughy person. There’s nothing wrong with that, by the way. Your ideal may be doing 30 pound curls. You might need to do 5 pound curls. Do them.

You also must squash your ego. This is especially true for men. We want to throw around weights like they’re pie pans. We can’t, of course. Don’t worry about how much you bench press. Sure, it’s a tad deflating to realize you can only bench 50 pounds. Hey, 50 pounds is better than nothing. People aren’t watching you. The people who can really lift are concerned only with themselves. They don’t care what you lift. Note how often they look in the mirror. Trust me–they (we?) aren’t trying to catch a glimpse of you.

A good way to learn reasonableness is with a trainer. Trainers vary in skill. Some aren’t very good, but all of them know how to get a new person started on an exercise regimen. Maybe you have a friend who works out regularly. He or she can help you. Start slow. Workout warriors weren’t born that way. Neither were you.

LEARN BEFORE THE BURN

Gyms are full of equipment. A lot of it is strange looking and not easily understood. This doesn’t stop the novice from climbing aboard and fumbling about. Usually, there will be an illustration on the equipment demonstrating proper use. If that doesn’t work, ask a gym employee. Again, a trainer can help.

If you don’t use a trainer, educate yourself on how to exercise. Weightlifting, in particular, requires certain routines for maximum results. You might work different muscles on different days. Rest is important. Strength training is different than toning or even muscle building. You have to know the differences.

Several years ago, I made the acquaintance of a former NFL player who also spent some time in prison. He described what he called a “jailhouse workout.” By that, he meant lifting with no program–a few curls, a few reps on the bench, a few random leg exercises. He said prisoners don’t have enough equipment or time to do it right. Hey, if you’re jail, do what you can. Otherwise, get a plan.

If you’re grossly overweight, you really must learn first. I know–it’s not good to say that people are overweight or “fat.” Come on, we know that’s the case. Losing weight is a process, not an event. You have to attack it a pound at a time. Becoming a crunch beast won’t help much if your six pack is buried under a foot of fat. Talk to a doctor. Get a trainer. Just get to work.

ETIQUETTE

Your new gym will have an array of rules about attire, use of equipment and sundry courtesies. These are all good, but most gym etiquette is just common sense. Here are the big rules:

Clean Up: If you use free weights, re-rack them. It’s simple. Put them back where you got them. They’ll be on racks in ascending order from lowest to highest weight. An idiot can do it, but you’ll be surprised at how many idiots don’t. If you can help it, don’t be an idiot.

Seriously, Clean Up: No one wants to use equipment drenched in your sweat. There’s just no debate here. Wipe down the equipment.

Look But Within Reason: I direct this to my fellow men. Most gyms today are co-ed. Every gym has attractive women wearing attire not normally seen in public. It’s pretty cool. You can look. To some extent, it’s expected perhaps even welcome. Don’t go full-on perv. If you follow a woman around so that you can maintain a good view, it will be noticed. Much as it might surprise you, they aren’t looking back at you.

Silence Is Golden: I’ve been going to the same gym for years. I’ve gotten to know some of the regulars. We’ll occasionally talk, but it’s always brief. Regulars are there to work out, not chat. You should do the same. Most gym regulars are glad to share pointers or answer questions, but we aren’t there to socialize.

Cover It Up: By “it,” I mean everything. No one is comfortable around naked people, even in a gym locker room. There’s no need to be naked for any extended period. Don’t strike up a conversation while you’re naked. Don’t get naked and then start rooting around in your locker. There should be absolutely no bending over. Don’t get naked and stand and watch TV. It’s just weird, and people hate it. Those who parade about naked are also men who shouldn’t do so anywhere. They are usually old guys with a variety of obvious physical flaws which are wholly unappealing.

Of course, I speak only of the men’s locker. Like all men, I imagine the women’s locker room populated by super models who wear skimpy towels when they aren’t showering together. An objective look at most women in the gym reveals that they may have the same unsightly issues as the men.

Dress The Part: Even being clothed can be done wrong. Jeans, khakis, work boots and other fashion failures must be avoided. Look the part. A t-shirt and shorts will work. Sweat pants are perfect. A middle-aged man in a wrestling singlet is not welome anywhere. Bicycle shorts, short-shorts and skin-tight apparrel must all be evaluated with an eye toward aesthetics. What is athletic–even alluring–on one person is vile and revolting on another. In these politically correct times, I realize that it is frowned upon to say that any one person is more attractive than another. Some people look better than others. Get a full-length mirror and judge for yourself.

STICK WITH IT

I believe that no one stays with exercise if he or she doesn’t like it. Experiment with different routines. Maybe you prefer cardio work to weights. That’s okay. Better to do cardio alone, than nothing at all.

Nothing ends an exercise program as quickly as an injury. Injuries are different than some pain. If you haven’t worked out in years, you’re going to have some aches and pains. When you get to my age-53 at this writing–you’re going to have some aches. If you over do it–lifting too much weight, for example–you will get injured. An injury will shut you down. That’s the quickest path to quitting. Even if you get injured, there’ll be other exercises you can do. Do those.

So, there you have it. I welcome you to my world. Now, get out of the way, and let me work out. Good luck.

©www.thetrivialtroll.com 2016

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How To Win a Fight…or Die Trying.

I don’t fight people, at least not physically. As I write this, I’m 52 years old, and that’s just too old to fight. Truthfully, I never was much of fighter. Nevertheless, I’ve been in a few fights. I grew in Harlan County, Kentucky, deep in the mountains of Appalachia where people have a reputation of being rough and tough. I enjoyed no such reputation and for good reason. I am neither rough nor tough; however, these deficiencies give me great insight into the world of street fighting.

I haven’t been in fight in about 30 years or so. Even that fight was not impressive, as I was forced to fight a girl. You can read about that here. How, you might ask, would a man of such limited prowess ever even get in a fight? In my youth, I possessed two traits which made the occasional dust up unavoidable–a big mouth and small body. Pour strong drink into that mix, and you get in fights. The more I drank, the more I ran mouth. The more my mouth ran, the more people wanted to shut it. They would then size me up and determine that giving me a beating would be fairly easy.

I’m not offering any advice on how to start a fight. Starting one is easy. Mouth off, look funny at the wrong person, throw a punch and other offensive behavior will do the trick. I want you to know how to survive a fight. Here are the things you need to know:

PUNCHING IS OVERRATED

You know how in movies a guy will knock someone out with one punch? That doesn’t happen in real fights, except by accident. Hitting someone in the face is difficult. Unless you are battling Mr. Potato Head or the Elephant Man, the human head is a small target. Hitting it with one punch is almost impossible, especially if the person is trying NOT to get hit. The exception to this is the Sucker Punch (discussed below). The other problem is that punching a head only works if you hit the face. The rest of the head is very hard as it consists of a thin layer of flesh and a really hard human skull. Punching a skull hurts.

Punching someone can hurt the puncher more than the punchee. I suspect this is because hands are made for such things as holding pencils and tying shoes. They aren’t made for beating things, hence the invention of the hammer. If you punch someone two or three times in the face, your hands are going to be pretty banged up. That hurts.

If you must punch, know your targets. The nose is great because it hurts and bleeds like hell. You will at the very least stun your opponent, if only momentarily. The throat is great, too, but almost impossible to hit. Under the armpit or directly under the rib cage are great, too; however, if you miss even a little, you won’t do any damage.

Real life punching is also goofy looking. You won’t look like Floyd Mayweather throwing a punch. Your punch will more like a close-fisted slap. You also are likely to be throwing the punch off the wrong foot, destroying any leverage you might have had. You likely have the wrong kind of hands for punching, just like me. I have bony hands with sharp, protruding knuckles. I know that sounds good, but it isn’t. I’m not a doctor, but I’ve determined that human knuckles are made of some kind of styrofoam-like material that crushes easily. Hit something two or three times and your knuckles will swell up and be useless.

Note your author’s bony, protruding knuckles. These are ill-suited for a fist fight.

The best kind of fist for punching is a big, fat one that doesn’t even look like a fist. It looks like meat mallet. If you have those at the ends of your arms, use them.

KICKING IS UNDERRATED

Just as the punch gets way too much credit, the kick is virtually ignored. No, I’m not talking about some fancy karate-like spinning back kick. If you can do that, you should be out fighting all the time just to show off. I mean a kick like trying to kick someone in the testicles or the face.

The kick has several advantages. One, it doesn’t hurt like a punch. Two, it can create valuable space between you and your assailant (or victim, as the case may be). This space can be used for such tactics as running or head down bull rush. Third, if properly executed the kick delivers more force than a punch. The kick best applied when your opponent is on the ground. Despite what you’ve heard, kicking a man when he’s down is perfectly acceptable in a fight. In fact, it’s often necessary.

I must here mention the martial arts. I greatly respect any person who has mastered one of these ancient forms of self-defense. These people need no advice from the likes of me. Mastery is the key. As I once heard, martial arts teach you one of two things: (1) how to kill someone with your bare hands; or (2) just enough to get your ass kicked.

FIGHT DIRTY

This caption is deceptive. There isn’t any dirty fighting. If you want rules, become a boxer. Regular fights don’t have rules. Here are some moves to consider:

Sucker Punch: This is hitting a person when he doesn’t see if coming. This is the mark of coward, but it could win a fight for you before it starts.
Eye Gouging: This is an underutilized tactic. There are plenty of badasses who will dare you to punch them. None of them will dare you to gouge their eyes.
Groin Smash: If you’re male, I need say no more. If you’re female, well…I just don’t know what to tell you.
Clawing: I’m not talking about scratching (unless that’s necessary, of course). Clawing is similar to the gouge, except you can apply it anywhere (see Groin Smash above).
Rabbit Punch: This is a punch in the back of the head. This isn’t recommended because of the relative strength of the back of the human skull; however, you might want to just take a shot if you are running away.

These are just a few tactics you can use. During the heat of battle, you may think of many more. Try them all.

RUNNING

Running gets a bad rap. Many times, it is your last, best defense. The shame of running is no worse than the shame of getting a thorough beating and hurts it less. No one call tell you when to run. You must judge when the tide has turned. Profuse bleeding is usually a good sign. Unfortunately, many of us wait one punch or kick too late to utilize this move. For instance, I was once kicked in the stomach while on my hands and knees. At that moment, I thought “I need to run.” That thought was followed by another kick. Too late to run. Use your judgment.

AVOID WEAPONRY

I can’t emphasize this one enough. It’s bad enough to get in a fight. It’s even worse when you get killed. Weapons are good for that. For example, you might think hitting someone with a chair is a good move. You’ve seen movies and know that chairs splinter when they contact a human form. They don’t. They just hurt like hell (This all assumes you are strong enough to swing a chair like a club). You hit someone with a chair, beer mug, nunchucks, etc., and you better hope he doesn’t have access to something more deadly. You might find yourself at a gun fight armed with a chair.

CHOOSE YOUR OPPONENT

You don’t have to fight everyone with whom you have a conflict. If your potential opponent is a large, dangerous-looking man (or woman), you might want to think twice. You can save face by saying something like “Hey, dude, I don’t want any trouble.” That’s not cowardly. It has air of a man who has seen his share of trouble and wants to find a better way. If that doesn’t work, see RUNNING above.

Bear in mind, too, that there are people who actually like to fight. These people are deranged and will kill you. Avoid them. Sadly, usually we only discover this during the fight.

AVOID OLD MEN

I offer this for the young people. When you’re a young man, you feel indestructible to some extent. You are at your physical peak and look with pity at the middle-aged or older man, with his wife, kids, job and mortgage. This false sense of superiority often causes a young man to be mouthy or threatening. I know, for I was once young. Here’s some advice: Leave the old guys alone. Here’s why:

Old Man Strong: I don’t why–and science can’t explain it–but old guys are strong. They don’t look like it with their beer bellies and flabby arms, but they are. Even skinny old guys are strong. You will underestimate this, and he will beat your ass.
Old Man Don’t Care: Unlike a young fellow, an old guy isn’t concerned about losing a tooth or getting a black eye. He has no bright future ahead of him. He’ll wade right into you. It will catch off guard. Then you’re trouble.
Old Man Courage: Old guys don’t scare easily. Maybe it’s because they’ve seen a lot or maybe they just don’t give a damn. Fights are scary. They get your adrenalin pumping. Old guys don’t get rattled. They just wail away.
Old Man Mystery: Let’s say you’re a college age man and you get in a fight over something you said in a bar. Chances are that your opponent is about like you–college guy, drunk, mouthy, etc. You know what you’re dealing with. Now, add 30 years to that guy. For all you know, he got out of prison yesterday after 20 years for skinning some guy just like you. It’s best not to find out.
Old Man Army: He could also be Marines, Navy, Air Force or even Coast Guard. If you fight an old fellow, you just might be locking horns with a military veteran. Bad, bad move. These guys are just waiting for someone like you. It’s better to apologize and buy him a drink.

Just as boxers should stay in their weight class, you should stay in your age class. If you are an old guy, at some point, some young guy will mouth off to you. Have at it.

Those are my tips. Of course, none of this applies if you are a large, dangerous person or just psychotically violent. If so, you need no pointers me. I’m certainly not trying to tell you what to do or suggesting that you can’t handle yourself quite well. Take no offense. I’m not looking for any trouble.

©www.thetrivialtroll.com 2015

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Oh, Dear Me

It’s become quite popular for folks to write letters to themselves. Seriously, it has. Sometimes, they’ll write to their young selves and offer advice. Maybe you’ve written a letter to your future self full positive affirmations and whatnot. There are even websites offering tips on writing to yourself, where in the future or the past .

I’ve never done this, mostly because I’ve written very few letters in my life (with the notable exception of business letters of which I’ve written thousands). I once had a therapist suggest that I write a letter to myself. Like most suggestions, I ignored it.

Today is my birthday. I am 52 years old. I spend little time thinking about the past. There’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well move on. My birthday is the only time I wax nostalgic. I’m not sure why, but I do.

Current Me has no advice for Young Me. Young Me wouldn’t take advice anyway. Plus, if I write Young Me and tell him all the things that will happen over the years, he might be terrified. Young Me was quite prone to worry. No need to make him fret.

I’m also not interested in writing Future Me. I have no idea how old Future Me will be. Future Me already knows everything that Current Me and Young Me know, plus a bunch of other stuff. Who am I to annoy him with my advice? Maybe he should write Current Me a letter. That might actually be helpful. At least I’d read it.

The letter I’d really like to see would one from Young Me to Current Me. I don’t remember much about that dude. It might be to nice get his take on my current situation. Perhaps I’ll write him a letter which will compel him to respond. It would read something like this:

Dear Me:

Thanks for your recent letter. I appreciate all the advice, but I’ll be fine doing things my way.

I’m doing okay, I guess. I’m in college and planning to go to law school. I guess you know all that. Sounds like I end up doing alright. To be honest, I can’t imagine how it worked out like that. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.

I’m glad to see that things have gone well for you (us?). I’m quite surprised that you’ve been married for over 25 years. I can’t keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. Now, you tell me that I’ll be married in just a few years. Is sour wife really ugly? I’ve always worried that I’ll have to settle for some homely chick. Next time, send me a picture of her. Then again, maybe it’s best I don’t know.

You have three kids? And none of them are psychopaths or grievously mentally ill? I’m barely able to care for myself. I’ve messed myself up in a lot of ways. I can’t imagine what I would do to kids.

It’s a relief to know that you made it through law school and actually got a job. I appreciate your suggestion that I pay more attention in school, but you forget that there’s a lot going on in my world. When I’m not brooding, I try to have a good time. School isn’t my idea of a good time.

I’ll admit that I’m a bit sad to know that you aren’t super-rich or famous or anything like that. I hoped I’d make a bunch of money doing something and then not have to actually work. Oh, well.

Hey, you didn’t have to tell me about Mom and Dad dying. Obviously, they will at some point, but it’s better to leave that a mystery. I’m pretty much completely dependent on them right now. I suppose I really will have to fend for myself at some point.

I was intrigued by your observation that Mom and Dad are actually right about almost everything they’ve told me. Your memory might be failing you. I still think I know better than they do.

I was pleased to find out you’re 52 YEARS OLD! I never expected to last that long. That’s great. As I write this, Dad is in his early 60’s. I can’t imagine being that old. Good work. Hopefully, I won’t do anything to mess that up. Of course, I guess I won’t, since you were able to write me.

Thanks for the picture. You didn’t get real fat or bald, but I see you got Dad’s white hair. I’ve always expected that to happen. You still kind of look like me but not really. I’m not sure I would recognize you if we passed on the street. You really are starting to look like Dad, which I never expected.

Did you become a pompous know-it-all like most people your age that I know? I hope not. Please don’t go around telling everyone else how to live their lives. Be especially sure to take it easy on the lecturing. Honestly, no one wants to hear it.

Here’s another thing to remember: Let your sons be themselves. They’re going to do that anyway, so you might as well help them. I know, because I’m living through that right now. Yes, they’ll disappoint you sometimes, but they don’t mean to do it. It happens. Be sure they know you love them regardless.

Don’t hammer your kids too much when they make mistakes. Believe or not, they usually know. I’m not saying to ignore the problems–you know Dad never did! Just take it easy.

I must take exception to some of your counsel. How do you know that I’ve never been in love? Again, your memory fails you. You’re falling prey to one of the worst mistakes people your age make–you forgot what’s like to be young.

While we’re on that subject, being young isn’t a barrel of laughs all the time. I worry about my future and occasionally do hideously stupid things. You might remember it as nothing but a bunch of good times, but there are plenty of bad ones, too. Don’t waste any of your time wanting to be me.

I always figured I’d contract some horrible disease or die young in a stupid accident of some sort. Future Me must have done something right along the way. I can’t fathom that I will do all that you described in your letter.

To you, I’m sure it seems that I did all I could to stand in your way and make life difficult. Mostly, I did the best I knew to do at the time. Even when it wasn’t the best I could do, I still did something. Instead of telling me what you think I need to know, you should perhaps forgive me for some of the mistakes I made. I’m sure you’d do the same for your sons.

As an aside, nice try with the “smart phone” nonsense. There’s no way that everyone carries a phone with them all the time. Do you really expect me to believe that your telephone has more computing power than any computer in my time? You send written messages to people with it? Listen to music? Read newspapers on it? C’mon. I know you’re in the future, but you’re not on Star Trek.

In closing, thanks again for the letter. Take care of yourself. We should try to hang around as long as possible. After all, we don’t want to get a letter from Future You telling us how we’ve screwed up his old age.

Your friend,

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Come Retire With Me!

I’m in my 50’s now, rolling toward my Golden Years. At my age, we think about retirement. We read about it, too. Mostly, we think and read about how we can’t retire because we don’t have enough money. To that, I say “Balderdash!” (I say that because I like the word “balderdash” but rarely get the chance to use it). I read somewhere that 20-30% of Americans think winning a lottery is their best chance to pay for retirement. I don’t recommend that plan. If that many American win the lottery, the pay outs will be so low, you won’t get hardly anything.

If you have a generous pension plan or trust fund or guaranteed inheritance, you may want to stop reading at this point. Little of this will apply to you. You have a safety net in place to assure your comfortable retirement. For the rest of us, it takes some planning.

We can, in fact, retire if we know what to do. First, we must understand what retirement is not.

Retirement is not unemployment. Unemployment is the drunk brother-in-law of retirement. The only thing it has in common with retirement is the lack of gainful employment. It’s very easy to be unemployed. AARP doesn’t publish articles on how best to become unemployed. We all know many tried and true methods: incompetence, sloth, thievery, amateur pornography, insubordination, felonious behavior, economic downturns, job outsourcing, bad luck and many, many others.

Retirement is not disability. You might be disabled and thus unable to work. That sucks, unless you are really a malingerer in which case you’re okay with it. Regardless, you’re not retired. You just can’t work. There’s no retiring from disability, unless death counts.

Retirement is not wealth. Perhaps you are incredibly wealthy and haven’t really ever worked. Whether you attained this status through dumb luck or the largesse of your ancestors, you aren’t retired. You are a ne’er-do-well or man about town or socialite or some other such fortunate soul. You can’t retire from those “jobs.”

So what exactly is retirement? Retirement is where one works his or her ass off for years until the point that he or she can no longer stand it and quits. Unlike unemployment, the retiree has sufficient income or assets upon which to live some modicum of a decent existence. Pensions, savings, Social Security, inheritance and the like all qualify.

Now that we know what we’re dealing with, what can we do to be prepared? If you’re my age or older and you haven’t thought about that yet, here’s the plan: Work until you die. You’ve waited way too long. Maybe you’ll get lucky and get disabled at some point. For everyone else, there are few things you can do–or not do, as the case may be.

1. Work. This one is simple enough. You can’t retire from doing nothing. Get a job. Pay your taxes. Set up an IRA. Contribute to a 401K if you can. Every little bit helps. Better yet, get one of those jobs that pays scads of money, like movie star or hedge fund manager.

2. Live Within Your Means. We’ve all heard this but spend much of our time either totally ignoring it or looking for loopholes. Anyone can understand that you shouldn’t spend money you don’t have or incur bills you can’t pay. That’s pretty basic stuff. If you don’t understand that, there’s really no hope for you. Even if you do understand, you aren’t out of the woods. Read on.

3. Spend Your Own Money. Do you still have your parents around? If so, good for you. If they are good people, call and visit them often. Be helpful to them. Pay them back for the many years they cared for you. Don’t mooch off them. Maybe your parents are generous sorts and willingly give you money and things. Here’s the deal: If the only reason you go on vacation or have a car or a house is because your parents still provide for you, you don’t live within your means. You live within their means.

Of course, many young people depend upon family to help them get started in life. That’s fine. If you’re 40 years old, you’re not a young person. If you haven’t gotten your start yet, it ain’t happening. Learn to support yourself.

You may be counting on your parents to actually fund your retirement. That plan may well work. Unfortunately, unless you mooch off them, it requires their deaths. That’s a high price to pay to retire. But, if that kind of thing doesn’t bother you, just look forward to the reading of the will.

It is equally wrong to plan to sponge off your children. This is particularly true if you have already bled your parents dry. Your children will be counting on you to support them forever, too. A cataclysmic clash of cultures awaits sure to tear your family asunder for generations to come or, at the very least, leave you all pondering which unfortunate relatives upon which you can descend.

Another sure sign of not living within your means is borrowing money. I’m not talking about loans for houses, cars or business reasons. These are, to a great extent, unavoidable in today’s world. Have you ever borrowed money to go on vacation? Here’s a thought–STAY HOME. How about a “pay day” loan where you can cash your paycheck before you get it? Here’s word for you to learn: USURY.

It is axiomatic that drug and gambling debts are red flags. In fact, all debts are red flags. If you can’t afford your lifestyle while you’re working, what are the chances you can afford it when you don’t work?

4. Require Others to Live Within Their Means. Nothing good can be said about loaning money to people for personal reasons. Perhaps you are a business person and you do so as an investment. Assuming you’ve done your due diligence, that’s a business decision. Loaning money to people who just need money is like paying someone for doing nothing for you. Naturally, it can be difficult to refuse a close friend or family member during hard times. Here are a few responses which can gently dissuade such requests:

“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“What do I look like–a bank?”
“What do I look like–an idiot?”
“I’m just going to pretend that you never said anything.”

5. Save First, Spend Second. This is a basic concept. Save money, then spend–not vice versa. Why? Because we Americans tend to spend all our money. We like to own things–or at the very least make payments on things. Famed motorcycle daredevil and spendthrift Evel Knievel once said:

The country singer Garth Brooks once said that he’s made more money than he could ever spend. Write me a check Garth – I’ll show you how to spend it in 24 hours.

That’s the American way. It’s also the way to guarantee that you die at work. Don’t die at work.

It’s Retirement, Stupid. With these few guidelines, we can all retire if we have reasonable expectations. You shouldn’t need as much money when you’re retired as you did when you worked. This is especially true if you have children–that is, assuming they heed the no-mooching rule and get the hell out of your house at some point.

Do you plan to travel the world when you retire? Good for you, but that takes money–a lot of money. You can retire without living the lifestyle of a Kardashian. Excuse my language, but if you can’t afford shit like that NOW, you probably can’t when you retire. That’s okay, you can still retire.

Here’s what you do. Work and save money and you should be okay. Then again, maybe not. There’s always the lottery.

©www.thetrivialtroll.com 2014

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ATTENTION YOUNG PEOPLE: THINGS THEY WON’T TELL YOU

During this graduation season, I always have the urge to offer my unsolicited advice to young people. Why? Because that’s how I am. I’m middle-aged and think I know everything. Of course, I don’t, but I do know more than most young people. Young folks are bombarded with advice from parents, friends and even strangers. Most of that advice is ignored. That’s not necessarily bad. Take a look at who’s offering the advice. Could be that they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about it.

On the other, maybe they know a lot of stuff, but just pass on the same poor advice they received in their youth. Strictly speaking, I’m not offering advice here, as much as I’m critiquing advice. You’re going to be told things that either just aren’t true or are too simplistic. Who tells you things? They do, of course. They know a lot and are anxious to tell you about it. Watch them, though. They may not be as smart as they think they are.

Here are five of those things they’ll tell you–and what they won’t say:

1. HARD WORK PAYS OFF

Hey, I’ve got nothing against hard work. In fact, if I were giving advice, I’d advise you to work hard. It’s difficult to accomplish much unless you make some effort. Here’s what they won’t tell you: Just because you work hard doesn’t mean it will pay off. Let’s say that you really aren’t very good at something, but you work hard. Chances are that the more you work, the more mistakes you’ll make. You’ll make a bad situation worse.

Another problem is that hard work simply doesn’t always pay off. You know who works hard? Farmers. A lot of farmers barely get by. Their hard work can get ruined by weather, insects, the economy or plain old bad luck. A lot of jobs are like that. Just because you work hard doesn’t mean you’ll be the CEO or that your lazy boss will even care. Sorry, but that’s true.

So, work hard, but work smart. If your hard work gets you nowhere, then go somewhere else or do something else.

2. YOU HAVE A SOUL MATE

Well-meaning people will tell you that you have a soul mate, that person that God or fate has selected for you. This person, among all the people you meet, is The One. Find this person, and you will live happily ever after.

Think about this. There are 7 billion people on Earth–half male, half female. That’s 3.5 billion for you. I’ll concede that some of those will be too young under societal taboos. Let’s say there are a billion or two available to you. So, somewhere among those billion or so people is one for you. Only one. Assuming you can actually cross paths with this one person, you’ll have to know it. Then you’ll have to do something about it. Complicating matters is that this person must also recognize his or her good fortune. If you’re bisexual, the odds getting even greater or maybe they’re better–I can’t figure it out. Regardless, good luck with all of that.

Half of all marriages end in divorce. This means we are woefully incompetent at finding our soul mates. Our soul mates are also incompetent, because they should have found us, too. It also means that God has a twisted sense of humor. He made us a soul mate, yet made it damn near impossible to find that person.

3. MONEY ISN’T IMPORTANT

They’ll tell you that happiness is better than money. Of course, it is, but that doesn’t mean money isn’t important. I’ve had times that I lived paycheck to paycheck and times I didn’t. The times I didn’t were better.

The old saw tells us that money can’t buy happiness. This is true, but it can buy comfort. Comfort isn’t necessarily happiness but it sure helps. It can even make unhappiness a tad easier. I say everyone should be happy. But, if you can’t be happy, at least be comfortable.

All of this is much different from believing that money will actually make you unhappy. Hey, I’ve known quite a few poor people, and they haven’t cornered the market on happiness, either.

There is a limit to the need for money. Ponzi schemes, thievery and various forms of graft should be avoided, if for no other reason to avoid prison. Prison will make you unhappy.

4. THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE

You’re a young adult. You have your whole life ahead of you. The world is your oyster. This is the best time of your life. Boy, I sure hope not.

What are you–18, 20 years old? You should have 60+ more years left. If this is the best time of your life, then you have a long slog to the grave ahead of you, assuming you even care to try.

By the way, you are an adult. If you can vote, marry, sign contracts and join the military, that’s all for adults. You also may not have a good job or be doing poorly in school or living in your parents’ basement. If these are the best times for you, life is going to be tough.

I have to qualify this. When is the best time of your life? How should I know? Actually, now should be, but now changes. Now is the best time of my life, but I’m in my 50’s. I intend for my 60’s to be the best, too. Now matters. I used to 18, but that was then. So, maybe now is the best time of your life, but later should be too–except not right now. Don’t peak at 18 years old. There’s too much ground left to cover.

Is that confusing? You bet it is. Life is confusing. When you’re my age, you’ll understand.

5. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

This is the most dangerous advice you can receive, because it simply is not true. You can’t or, at the very least, shouldn’t. Oh, you can try. (See Item No. 1 above). You are likely to fail at certain things. Most of us do. Failure is temporary, unless you continue trying the same thing. As you continue trying, at some point you become insane and then you really can’t do anything.

Have you ever heard this? Failure is not an option. Oh, how wrong that is. Failure is always an option.

You may dream of being a professional athlete. If you can’t do it, at some point you must stop trying. The same applies to intellectual endeavors. Maybe you’re not smart enough. That’s not a sin. It’s just a fact.

Bad luck is another stumbling block. You might not get the opportunity to do whatever you want. Paying bills, eating, living indoors and the like often take priority.

Here’s something that could happen. You could end up with someone who is not your soul mate. This person could be a mill stone around your neck keeping you from doing anything you want. It happens.

You also might have really crappy judgment. The things you want to do may be terrible ideas. Mobile meth labs, amateur pornography and random death threats are examples. Yes, you may well be able to do these things, but you’ll wish you hadn’t.

CONCLUSION

So, what’s my point? I don’t really have one. That’s one luxury of getting old. You can talk and talk and make no sense, but people feel like they need to listen. Now, go out there and work hard, find your soul mate, ignore money and do anything you want to do. This is the best time of your life or so they say.

©www.thetrivialtroll.com 2014

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MY PERFECT POKE SALLET RECIPE

Spring is just around the corner. Soon, the daffodils and cherry blossoms will bloom and young men’s thoughts will turn to love. Some, though, will think of poke. I’m one not of them, but I’m sure some people are ready to pick poke or whatever it is you do to harvest it.

Some of you ask: What the cuss is he talking about it? What is poke? I’ve written about it before. Read this. It will tell you all you need to know.

If you’ve read this blog before, you know that I grew up in Harlan County, Kentucky–the very heart of Appalachia. We like poke so much that we have an annual festival in its honor.

When I originally wrote about poke, I drew some mild rebukes for my perceived criticism. Well-meaning folks told me that I was misguided. It has caused me to reconsider my views.

My mother was a home economics teacher, and she taught me more than a little bit about cooking. I have now applied these skills to the issue of poke. Rather than dismiss this weed as foul and unpalatable, perhaps I should find a way to create my own culinary masterpiece. Thus, I present the perfect poke recipe.

First, you’ll need a mess of poke. How much is a mess? One pokeful should be sufficient. You’ll also need a pot of water, a raw onion and vinegar. A double sink would also be helpful.

Thoroughly wash poke in cold water-or don’t. It doesn’t really matter.

Much like marijuana, remove all stems. In fact, smoking some of it while you cook may not be a bad idea.

Bring water to boil.

Place poke in boiling water. You may also place poke in which poke is gathered into boiling water for added flavor.

Boil poke.

When poke reaches a consistency somewhere between algae and human baby excrement, it may be done. The smell should also approximate algae and/or fecal matter.

Drain poke in colander.

Look at poke. Vomit in poke-tainted side of sink (This is where the double sink is important. You do not want poke vomit in part of sink where dishes may be placed).

CAUTION: DO NOT LEAVE PREPARED POKE WITHIN REACH OF CHILDREN OR PETS, LEST ACCIDENTAL INGESTION TAKE PLACE. IN THAT EVENT, NATURAL GAG REFLEX SHOULD INDUCE IMMEDIATE VOMITING. IF NOT, FEED VICTIM MORE POKE.

Open window and throw poke water into yard. WARNING: Poke water may contaminate ground water supplies or result in the actual growing of poke. The author disclaims any responsibility for roaming hill jacks picking poke in your yard.

Place prepared poke in toilet. Flush repeatedly until all contents are expelled. In cooking, this is known as “eliminating the middle man.” In this case, the “middle man” is your digestive system.

Eat raw onion washed down with tall glass of vinegar in effort to erase memory of poke cooking.

So, there you have it. Bon apetit!

©www.thetrivialtroll.com

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In Praise of the Common Cold

Let’s talk about the common cold. I’ve been suffering from a cold. We suffer from colds, just as we suffer from tuberculosis or cancer. Okay, maybe those are different, but it’s still proper to claim suffering. Both TB and cancer have one advantage–they are, to some extent at least, curable. The cold is not.

The cold is known by many names–nasopharyngitis, rhinopharyngitis and acute coryza. You can have a head cold or a chest cold. I’ve heard people down in the mountains of Kentucky where I grew up claim to have a “cold in the back,” which is, quite frankly, medically impossible. I’m not a doctor, but even I know better than that.

Not only is the cold incurable, it’s not even preventable. Oh, you can wash your hands like Howard Hughes if you’d like. You’ll still get a cold. Forget about antibacterial cleansers. It’s not a bacterium. Same goes for antibiotics. That’s right: Antibiotics, the miracle drugs, are useless when faced with the common cold.

There is no vaccine, and there probably won’t ever be one. Hell, I’m vaccinated against diphtheria, and I don’t even know what that is. I don’t know anyone who’s had diphtheria, but everyone I know has had a cold. Maybe that’s because of the vaccine. The cold’s strength is that it has many causes, rendering it impervious to vaccination.

Dozens of viruses can cause a cold. Think about that. How can you avoid them all? You can’t. They’re everywhere. Shake hands with someone. That person might have just coughed the virus into his hand. Consider all the weird crap flying around in the air that you can’t see. Doorknobs, car handles, coffee cups, keyboards, telephones, cute babies, kindly dowagers, rank strangers, good friends, family and everything and everyone else on Earth are crawling with viruses. We have no defense.

According the Mayo Clinic–and that’s a plenty smart crowd right there–the virus can come in through your mouth, nose and eyes. EYES? Okay, I’ll just close my eyes and hold my breath. Now, I’m safe.

The most common cold virus is the rhino-virus. That just sounds awful. You think the Bird Flu is bad? How about catching something from a freakin’ rhino?

The bottom line is that the cold is everywhere. Hence, it is common, I suppose. You’re going to catch it or, more accurately, it will catch you. When it does, all sorts of weirdness happens.

The human body is amazing machinery. Despite our best efforts to destroy it through neglect and abuse, it keeps chugging along. Then, we are exposed to the cold, and it gets us. The virus crawls into us, and we don’t even know it. We can’t avoid it. If it were more difficult to contract, perhaps we’d have a chance. “Say, would mind holding my snot rag?” No civilized person would ask such favor nor would any sane man agree to this request. We will, however, gladly shake the hand of a stranger. The cold knows this.

A bit of good news is that you can’t catch a cold from actually getting cold. You can go outside naked, and you won’t get sick. Your neighbors might, but you’ll be okay–assuming you don’t freeze to death. The belief that a cold is caused by cold air is an old wives’ tale, and we know old wives are terribly unreliable. In fact, you’re more likely to never catch a cold if you just stand outside–far away from people with colds.

We’ve all had colds. Sometimes, they aren’t too bad–just a few days of sniffling and coughing. Sometimes–like the one I now have– they are awful. You ache and cough and sneeze. Your head fills with enough mucous to supply a healthy human for years. You don’t sleep well. You’re tired all the time. Give it a week, and you’ll feel better. That’s how it goes with colds.

How do you know if you have a cold? Well, the snot is a good indicator. The cold causes us to produce prodigious amounts of mucous. I guess there’s a reason for that, but it’s really gross. You can try to blow it all out through your nose, but that never works. As soon as you expel some copious amount, somehow it fills right back up. Plus, you then have the displeasure of handling or perhaps carrying with you a snot rag–the nastiest of all accessories.

Most of the time, we have no choice but to actually swallow the mucous as it continually drains into our bodies. Any time you sniffle, you’re really just sucking the snot back into your head so that you can swallow it. You’re constantly producing and drinking snot. No wonder a cold makes you feel so bad.

(As aside, my mother did not allow the use of the word “snot.” She said it “nauseated” her. She preferred “mucous” or “phlegm,” one of the nastiest words in the English language.)

By the way, have you ever seen one of those people who just blows his damn nose on the ground? (I say “his,” because I’ve never seen a woman do it.) This guy kind of pinches the end of his nose, pulls it slightly and cuts loose. It should be okay to shoot someone who does that.

I heard somewhere that all the stuff that makes you feel bad (coughing, sneezing, runny nose, aches) are actually signs that your immune system is at working attacking the offending virus. If so, I have a tremendous immune system, because it’s made me feel like road kill for days now.

A sniffle or perhaps some congestion could be the first signs. Maybe you have a little cough or a sneeze or two. Then, the mucous factory goes into three shifts of production, 24/7. The cold has you in its icy grip from which there is no escape, at least for a week or so. What do you do?

You can take medicine, but it won’t cure you. It will treat your symptoms, but they won’t go away. You can take a decongestant. It will help a little. Oh, all the mucous is still there, it’s just dammed up in your head now. Cough medicine can help, especially if it’s laced with codeine or morphine or something like that. Hell, you’ll still cough, but you won’t care anymore.

I like Mucinex. It actually makes the mucous drain even faster, turning into a sort of snot water. I don’t why something that gross makes me feel better, but it does. Sometimes, I will mix Mucinex with something that does the exact opposite by trying to dry up the mucous. Maybe I’ll slug some cough syrup as a chaser. Then, I end up with new symptoms or “side effects,” as the doctors call them.

When I was a kid, my mother would rub vapor rub on my chest and under my nose. I have no idea what this was supposed to do. Maybe stinking like that crap makes the cold itself seem like no big deal.

Despite the power and prevalence of the common cold, it still gets little respect. It’s a common cold, after all. Ever hear of common cancer? Ask someone if he or she is sick, you might get this response: “No. It’s just a cold.” You’ll never hear: “I’m fine. It’s just syphilis.”

One reason the cold doesn’t get more respect is that it won’t kill you. It won’t. There was the Spanish Flu Epidemic. We’ll never have a Mongolian Cold Epidemic. A cold just won’t kill you. It’s like being attacked by swarm of gnats. It will annoy the Hell out of you and make you miserable; however, in the end, it will spare your life.

It could be that’s the reason there is no cure. Why waste time trying to cure something that won’t kill people? Our resources are better spent on cancer, AIDS, TB and the like. Even less deadly diseases like leprosy, polio and small pox are much more serious with their maiming and crippling side effects. Carrying around a snot rag is no big deal compared to living in an iron lung.

You might now say: “I know this guy who got a cold, and then died of pneumonia.” To this, I say: So what? That poor bastard died of pneumonia, not a cold. No one ever died of a cold. Blame pneumonia if you like, but don’t put that rap on the common cold.

Despite the fact that the cold will not slay us, it still demands respect. It is pervasive and incurable. Think about all the diseases we can cure now. Not the cold. We can’t even vaccinate against it. Hell’s Bells, we wiped out small pox and are damn close to doing the same thing to polio. The cold? Nope.

Consider Magic Johnson. He was diagnosed with HIV over twenty years ago. Look at the man now! He looks great. Feels great. If he had a damn cold for twenty years, he’d look and feel like crap. Would it kill him? No, it would not, but after two or three years, he’d be okay with dying.

The cold doesn’t discriminate. From the homeless to the landed gentry, everyone gets a cold. If a billionaire gets a deadly form of cancer, you can bet he’ll get every treatment known to man. It will be much better than you or I would get. Give that same man a cold, and they’ll hand him a snot rag and a bottle of NyQuil. He has no more chance of a cure than a vagrant. The common cold: The disease world’s great equalizer.

Despite making us feel like crud, the cold is relatively gentle in its effects on us. Yes, you’ll sniffle, but you won’t bleed from your eyes. You’ll cough a hell of a lot, but your organs won’t fail. You may get a fever, but it will be low-grade. You won’t get paralyzed or have seizures or go blind. You won’t vomit or have uncontrollable diarrhea. Yes, it may be worse for infants and the elderly, but isn’t that true of all diseases?

So, the cold may well be common. Indeed, it is likely swirling about your face at this very moment. You can’t stop it. Just accept your fate. It would reckless to suggest that the cold is our friend. It certainly is not. It is, however, worthy of our respect as the unconquerable granddaddy of all diseases. Now, hand me my snot rag.

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Help A Drowning Man

I am awash in a sea of bad information. How did this happen? I’ve spent too much time in the ocean of social media where information is plentiful, but accuracy is sacrificed for speed and volume. How does this happen? The easy answer, of course, is that people are idiots. This knee jerk response is just as flawed as the flotsam vomited out on social media even as you read this. People love outrage. More precisely, they love to be outraged. This is especially true when politics and religion are involved. This causes otherwise intelligent and thoughtful folks to randomly post thoughts, memes and links which are related to reality only by the thin thread of having originated from someone’s mind.

Another answer might be that I spend too much time on social media and should do something else like a read book. No thank you, Egg Head. That ain’t happening. We need to work together.

Phil Robertson is now the millstone around my neck. If you don’t know who Phil is, then good for you. You aren’t into social media and perhaps spend your time writing poetry. If so, you’re probably not reading this anyway. Phil is a “reality TV” star. His show, Duck Dynasty, is entertaining. It certainly seems scripted to me, but what do I know? Perhaps Phil and his family became multi-millionaires while bumbling about like…well…reality TV stars.

I won’t rehash what Phil did. There’s no point in doing so. He said things that pissed people off or made people happy. Outrage ensued. Many folks–again, otherwise intelligent–have risen to his defense by citing his right to “free speech.” One poster on Facebook said “What the hell happened to free speech in this country?” The answer is nothing, because Phil’s opinions have nothing to do with free speech. “But, but, but…he got FIRED!!” You are correct. He did get fired. Free speech, unfortunately, doesn’t prevent that. “YES, IT DOES!” you scream. Let’s read the First Amendment of the United States Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

[Note how I helpfully highlighted the part about “Congress.”] Congress has made no law regarding speech which affects Phil at all. In fact, no government official has done anything to Phil. Maybe you love what he said about gay people and African-Americans. If so, you have found some common ground with radical Islam. Maybe you’re a Libertarian sort who supports everyone’s right to speak his or her mind. I really don’t care. But, let’s all agree to never invoke the First Amendment again on this issue. We’ll all feel better. I know I do. Thanks.

It’s not only the plain language of our Constitution which cause confusion. Easily verified claims also drive us to hysteria. Here’s a favorite example. Occasionally, a meme makes the rounds about Presidential and Congressional pensions. It reads:

WAGES

Salary of retired US Presidents……………………….$450,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of House/Senate members……………………$174,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of Speaker of the House……………………….$223,500 FOR LIFE

Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders………………….$194,400 FOR LIFE

Average salary of a soldier DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN ……$38,000

Average income for Seniors on Social Security …………………$12,000

I think we found where the cuts should be made! If you agree, pass it on!

Aren’t you outraged? This is patently insane. Why would these people get paid for life!?!?! What kind of country do we live in? That’s a valid question but not because of this. The above information–while outrageous–is incorrect in almost every way. None of these people–not even the President–gets full salary for life. It simply is not true. Does this stop folks from being outraged about it? Of course not. Variations of this meme have been posted many times on social media. The comments are fairly frothing with their condemnation. Here’s my suggestion: When you see something that is so inane as to make you want to immediately post it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, stop and think. Since you’re probably on the Internet at the time, do a simple search. Check the facts. You’ll be amazed how easy it is to confirm or counter such things. Again, we’ll all be better for it, and you won’t look like an uninformed ass.

Then there are the half-truths, those items of interest based in reality but twisted into something sort of whole truth. Here’s a meme making the rounds:

The House of Representatives passed a budget bill cutting pensions for veterans. (Not “Veteran’s”). That much is true. The reduction is actually a reduction of the cost of living increase for certain pensions. It’s what I call a “Government Cut.” A “private cut” is where you make less money next year than you made this year. It only applies to certain veterans–ones deemed young enough to re-enter the work force. Now, don’t get me wrong. This seems like a bad idea. We’ve worn out our military with endless wars. The least we could do is leave their pensions alone. On the other hand, don’t worry about veterans actually getting a cut in their pensions. The private sector, where there are no pensions anymore, is the only place that happens.

This is a prime example of excellent propaganda. Take a grain of truth, twist into something outrageous and scare everyone. Remember that Hitler got elected by scaring the hell out of people. There’s a reason he had a Ministry of Propaganda. It works.

Finally, there are those debates that rage over opinions. Most of these involve politics or religion–two topics which civilized people never discuss. Bear this in mind: There are two sides or more to each such debate:

Obamacare: POINT–The program is already failing and far too expensive for the country to afford. Socialized medicine will lead to reduced services for everyone. COUNTERPOINT–It’s the law. Give it time, and the kinks will get worked out. If socialized medicine is so horrible, why do we provide it to our military veterans. Wouldn’t they be better off buying their healthcare in the market?
Phil Robertson: POINT–He’s free to speak his mind and express his faith. Leave him alone. COUNTERPOINT–People are also free to be offended by his comments. We don’t have to leave him alone.
NSA: POINT–The Government is only gathering data. They have no way to do anything with it. COUNTERPOINT: Yet. There is nothing more un-American than spying on your citizenry.
TAXES: POINT–Let’s raise taxes on the highest earners. This would quickly fix all our fiscal problems. COUNTERPOINT–Our government has a history of spending every penny it brings in–and more. Until we fix that, more revenue won’t help.

These few examples show how it works. There are two sides to all theses issues. It just depends on your political prism.

Of course, acknowledging differing opinions isn’t our way. God forbid that we be asked to actually respect another’s views. We prefer to be right. In fact, we demand it, even when we are wrong. I am fortunate to have friends from all walks of life. Their politics range from Left-leaning Communists to budding Neo-Nazis. The Right’s take on current events is a combination of moral outrage, moral superiority (always Christian), the U.S. Constitution (if you don’t like something, it’s unconstitutional) and some nostalgia (such things as whipping children are fondly recalled). The support Republicans and like all Ayn Rand quotes. The Left approaches these issues from a different angle, of course. They are intellectual titans ready to make fun of religion (always Christianity. They don’t say anything about Islam, Judaism, et al.), cite obscure authors, and engage in relentless name-calling often involving obscene language. They support Democrats and love to quote Barack Obama, Mahatma Ghandi and hate all Ayn Rand quotes, even though most of them are atheists like Rand.

Here is a typical social media exchange regarding Mr. Robertson, who has eclipsed war, world hunger and random violence as the issue of the day:

Original Post: I stand with Phil! The Bible says that we will be persecuted for Him! Christians have freedom of speech, too! Our country is being destroyed! I will never watch TV again!

[See how our friend has concisely encompassed the significant elements of right-wing rage. The Bible, persecution, morality, patriotism and broad and incorrect legal principles.]

A response from the Left naturally flows:

Comment: You can stand with that bigoted, homophobic, racist if you like. I have never seen his show. In fact, I do not own a television having traded mine for a Navajo Dream Catcher. Freedom of speech is not an issue here–offensive, racist, homophobic rhetoric is. The Bible supports all manner of prejudice. I suggest you read the collected works of Bertrand Russell instead.

[Our Leftist chum has countered with his own salvo. He engages in name calling that far exceeds anything Mr. Robinson has done but does so from a perch of intellectual superiority. He is above mere TV watching. He concludes his concise commentary by inferring that atheist mathematician/philosopher Bertrand Russell is a better source for moral guidance than the Holy Bible. Well done.]

This exchange will continue with many additional posts by these and other commentators. The Right will contend they are right because, well, they are right…or Right. The Left will froth and name-call, even resorting to the use of vulgarities to make their points. Ultimately, no one makes any sense and everyone is angry.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I have engaged in this foolishness on occasion, especially when legal principles are misstated. I forget my advantages in this regard: 1) I have actually read the Constitution; and 2) I graduated from law school. I, too, have been called names. One Lefty even called me a racist for correctly noting that the ubiquitous George Zimmerman is Hispanic. I countered with own my stream of obscenities. It’s easy to fall into this trap. I do not judge.

Let’s all commit to work as one to make all this easier for me. After all, wouldn’t the world be a better place if things suited me? Don’t be a racist, homophobic, liberal, conservative, Communistic Neo-Nazi, Bible-thumping Atheist.

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A Lawyer’s Guide to Turning Down Work

I’m a lawyer. I really am. I have been for 26 plus years. I’ve always been able to attract clients and must have done a competent job for most of them since I’ve had a lot of repeat business. This doesn’t make me an expert on business development, as we call it. Honestly, I’m not sure how best to go about that. Moreover, the legal world is chock full of advice on building your practice, marketing and generating new business. It’s doubtful that I have much to add to that vast sea of information, or misinformation, as the case may be.

I once worked in a law firm that was concerned to the point of obsession about generating new business. “Origination” was the term they used. If one “originated” enough business, he or she became a “rainmaker,” the most valuable of all lawyers, regardless of legal acumen or lack thereof. The rules regarding origination credit were Byzantine and ever-changing. For example, you might think you deserved credit for a new client, only to find out that aged partner had represented an employee of the company on a DUI many years ago. Thus, he was entitled to the credit. After all, he had planted the seed decades ago. As one of my partners once noted: “The Origination rules aren’t written down. That’s understandable since they change every day.”

Although I have created my share of personal marketing plans, I claim no expertise. I’ve thought both outside and inside the box. I’ve been proactive. I’ve networked. I’ve schmoozed and small-talked. I’ve even found time to practice quite a bit of law. None of this sets me apart from other lawyers.

The one area where I believe I have something to contribute is in turning down business or knowing when existing business is turning sour. For a long time, I wasn’t good at this, much to my chagrin. Now, though, I know the red flags that warn me to stay far away from a potential client or to at least understand my situation. I’ll share a few of those with you.

1. PRIDE GOETH BEFORE A FALL

At least that’s what it says somewhere in the Bible. It doesn’t really apply here, but I like saying it. Any the who, it goes without saying that we don’t want to represent folks who will refuse to pay us. Now, this is different from a client who suddenly can’t pay. I’ve represent several clients–individuals and companies–who sunk into dire finances during my representation of them. This is a professional risk. It’s happened to some of my favorite clients.

The ones I’m talking about are the ones who won’t pay. Here’s a bad sign: You are the third lawyer they’ve hired on a particular matter. This is a person who doesn’t play well with others. Just as important, this person has had bad relationships with other lawyers. Why? It probably has something to do with money. Ask this potential client if he owes the other lawyers money. If the answer is “yes,” run! A client that will stiff one lawyer will do it to you. At least ask for an upfront deposit against your fees. If they aren’t willing to invest in their case, you shouldn’t either.

Related to this is the client who doesn’t want to discuss your bills. Oh, he or she paid you regularly for a while, then slowed a bit and finally stopped paying. You ask about it and are told that the client will be caught up soon. Don’t worry. When you hear that, worry. A lot.

Lawyers are an odd breed. We don’t like to push our clients about bills. Perhaps we are embarrassed by the amounts we bill. Maybe it’s just an uncomfortable topic. Regardless, when you don’t confront, it gets worse. It’s Business 101 that the older a bill gets, the less likely it is to ever get paid.

The question, of course, is: When is enough enough? There’s no way to state of rule of thumb here. Large law firms are able to carry large receivables for a long time. Small firms like mine can’t. Here is an exchange which should end your representation immediately (I’ve had some variation of this multiple times):

Lawyer: Carl, we need to talk about your bills. We haven’t been paid in six months, and we need to get this caught up.

Client: I know. I know. We have cash flow problems, but we’re working on it. I don’t know when we’ll be able to get caught up, but we’re good for it.

Lawyer: I appreciate that, but we can’t commit substantial time and expense without some assurance of getting paid.

Client: What do you mean? Are just going to quit on me?

Lawyer: I don’t want to do that, but I’ll have to if we can’t get paid.

Client: You’ve insulted me. If you don’t want to work on the case, that’s fine…..

See what we have here? You–a business person–have addressed the most basic need of your business–income. Your client is insulted by the prospect of having to pay you. You must run from this client with all haste. If you don’t, don’t expect to ever get paid again.

2. DON’T REPRESENT CATS

Of course, it’s well-known that there are no cat herds. Cats don’t do that. They just scatter about. Some of your clients are like that. They aren’t dogs. They don’t have a leader. They are cats, scurrying about with no one in charge. These are not good clients.

The Cat Client comes in various forms–corporations, families, virtually any collective of people. No one is in charge. The point person, your “client contact,” as we call it, seems to be the boss until real decisions have to be made. Then, no one is in charge. In a corporation, you may hear from the President, the CFO, the in-house attorney or the janitor. They all have differing views on the goals to be achieved. If you need a question answered quickly, good luck.

I’ve represented several churches in my career. Each was a fine organization headed by fine people, but no one was in charge. The minister works for the church at the pleasure of the Elders or whatever group is supposed to be in charge. That group has no leader. They make decisions as a collective. Getting direction is almost impossible. You’ll end up frustrated, and so will they.

Families are even more difficult. Most families are like mine and have no structure whatsoever. No one is in charge, and they like it like that.

Here’s what you do. At the first sign of cat-like behavior, set some ground rules. A contact person is a good start. Get a list of folks who need to be updated on your case. You might have to paper or email them into submission, but it’s worth it. Better to keep too many in the loop than not enough.

3. IT’S ABOUT THE MONEY

“This isn’t about the money. It’s the principle.” These words send a chill up the spine of all experienced attorneys. It is, after all, about the money–at least most of the time. The sooner your client comes to that realization, the better off you both will be.

Unless it’s a criminal case or, possibly, a divorce, it’s all about the money. If you sue someone, you want money. If you’ve been sued, you don’t want to pay money. In fact, you may not even want to pay your own lawyer.

Let’s say your client is in a $500 dispute. A good lawyer (or even a bad one who wants to get paid) explains that the client will pay the lawyer far more than $500. If the client responds that he or she would rather pay the lawyer, you must pause, tamp down your greed and repeat your cautionary warning. Slowly and clearly.

If your client persists, go forward but be realistic. At some point, your client will realize that it is, in fact, about the money after all. When they owe you more than they do the adversary or more than they can possibly recover, they’ll know it’s about the money. At that point, you may well be the adversary.

4. THEY DON’T REALLY WANT A LAWYER

Given the general public’s disdain for the legal profession, it isn’t surprising that a lot of people–maybe most–don’t want to hire a lawyer. This is especially true of trial lawyers. There is a subtle but important difference between needing one and wanting one.

Good clients want to hire you. They want your advice and expertise. Some folks–thankfully a small percentage–hire you only because they must. They do not recognize you as having any specialized knowledge or skill. Indeed, these clients are prevented from doing your job only because of their dearth of education and lack of professional credentials. Nevertheless, they know how to do your job better than you do.

They’ll plot strategy for you. They know the best witnesses. They even know the questions you should ask during depositions and trials. During trial, they will hand you helpful notes such as “Ask him if he’s lying!” They will disagree with you about the law. You will calmly explain a basic concept such as the abolition of Debtor’s Prison, and they will contend that it is unfair. You will explain that a certain position is not legally sound, and your client will disagree based upon nothing more than his or her idea of what the law should be.

This client will not be pleased with your work. Monday Morning Quarterbacks rarely are. If you are prepared for this, by all means go forth. Such clients are best represented once. The good news is that their displeasure with you likely means that they will move on to new lawyer anyway (See Item No. 1 above).

I suppose other professions deal with similar issues. Perhaps cancer patients demand that their oncologists provide certain medications or ask to assist in surgery. In that case, I’m sure the doctor will continue to prescribe what is best. Lawyers must do the same. Keep advising even if your advice is ignored. Besides, isn’t it just a wee bit satisfying to get to say “I told you so!”?

5. BE A CRIMINAL LAWYER, NOT A LAWYER CRIMINAL

Criminals are entitled to lawyers just like everyone else. That’s one of the great things about America. Even if you are guilty, the government still has to prove its case against you.

Where a lawyer gets off base is when he or she becomes the criminal. Hey, if your client breaks the law, it’s your job to help. By that, I mean help defend your client, not help your client break the law. It’s real simple: If your client is doing something illegal, strongly advise against it, and don’t participate in it.

It’s bad when your client goes to prison. It’s worse when you go, too.

6. YOU WANT A WHAT?

Sometimes, people aren’t looking for a lawyer. They want a “bulldog” or “pit bull.” Someone once told me that he was looking for “Someone who will get down in the gutter and fight to the death. Win at all costs!” Beware of folks like this. Why?

First, if your self-image is that of an animal or you imagine yourself wallowing in the gutter, you may need therapy. Second, this type of talk is often code for: “I want an unethical and, if necessary, dishonest lawyer.” Third, they want you to engage in all manner of harassing shenanigans that will likely make their fees grow exponentially. Then, you run into Item Nos. 1 and 3 above.

The best lawyers I’ve known are polite and professional. They zealously represent their client like human beings, not animals. They don’t harangue their opponents or needlessly fight about every detail.

If you need a lawyer, I’m your man. If you need a dog, go to the Humane Society.

7. DEVELOP A NUT ALLERGY

I can’t emphasize this enough. It is, after all, the most important point of all. Nuts need and want lawyers just like regular people. In fact, many nuts require legal representation far more than normal people. This is because they are frequently embroiled in controversies in which only nutty people are involved. Identifying nuts, however, is most difficult.

Here’s one sign: There’s a conspiracy. A large group of people (often the Government) have conspired against your client. These conspiracies can involve the judiciary and all other levels of government. Remember: If there really is a conspiracy–which does happen sometimes, it will usually be pretty easy to crack. If it is hidden under layers of impenetrable silence, consider this very real possibility: It isn’t true.

Another sign: Vast amounts of paper. I have had cases involving hundreds of thousands of documents. Believe it or not, that’s not uncommon. What is uncommon is a client who presents you with piles of irrelevant paper. Often, these papers are carried around in their pockets or cars. You don’t know what they mean. Neither does your client. But they are important.

A final sign: The case no one will take. This is a potential client who describes to you an impossibly lucrative case which no lawyer will take. These cases involve millions of dollars. There’s usually a conspiracy and a mountain of irrelevant paperwork associated with the case. Here are few real life examples that I’ve either heard about or experienced myself:

The Spindletop Oil Fortune: This is a claim that someone is an heir to the Spindletop Oil fortune in Texas. The person has proof through some dizzying array of paperwork. Judges have been throwing these cases out of court for years. Here’s a practice pointer: This person is not an heir.

The DeGroot Patents: These are a series of 19th Century land patents from the Commonwealth of Kentucky under which someone claims vast mineral resources. You are likely to find that they are junior patents, inferior to the entire rest of the world’s claims.

Forced Homosexuality: This was a guy who sued Eastern Airlines (and many others) for being involved in a nationwide conspiracy to force him into homosexuality.

Nigerians: These folks really need lawyers, usually to help transfer funds stolen from some government enterprise. If you fall for this one, you deserve it.

Often, you won’t know your client is a nut until deep into the representation. Be patient. They will rarely see things your way. Remember that if they ever come back around.

I guess you noticed that I didn’t really say you should turn down all of this type of work. Times are tough in the legal profession, and none of us are as choosy as we’d like to be. That said, if you do turn down this type of work, you won’t be sorry. After all, sometimes, it really is the principle of the thing.

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