I am an American and proud of it. By that, I mean I’m glad to be an American. I’m saying not that being American makes me superior to other nationalities, but I’d like to think it does. Why? Here’s why:
We speak English. English is the international language of business. Plus, it sounds good. Foreign languages sound like gibberish. Have you ever eavesdropped on foreigners having a conversation? It’s incomprehensible! I recently overheard a couple of people speaking Japanese, I think. I’m convinced they weren’t really saying anything–just making a bunch of sounds.
I come from strong German stock, but I wouldn’t want to speak German. They always sound mad shouting in guttural grunts. That’s probably why they’ve started so many wars. If you said “Please pass the salt” in German, you could start a fight. Some languages, like Hebrew, make you spit while speaking them. Others, like Russian, sound evil. English just sounds sensible.
Now, of course, the English speak English, but it’s a smarmy, stuck-up version–not like ours. Plus they say things like “loo” and “lorry.” That’s just weird.
English also looks more sensible. Our vowels are A, E, I, O, U and Y (sometimes). Here are the Korean vowels:
Good luck trying to work a crossword puzzle with that pile of emoticons for an alphabet. Russian is even worse:
What can you say about this mess? The Russians are fond of strong drink. I can only assume that this was some drunk guy’s effort to copy the real alphabet. “Awww, what the Hell? I’ll just throw in a number to fill it out! No one will notice.” One time in college, I was drunk and wrote a note to girl to apologize for vomiting in her sink. It looked like the picture above (I mean the note, not the vomit).
Those are just two examples. Other languages are just as bad, I’m sure. Hungarian, for instance. Here is the longest word in the Hungarian language: legeslegmegszentségtelenítetthetetlenebbjeitekként. You know what it means? “like those of you that are the very least possible to get desecrated.” You don’t speak English, and that’s the kind of useless crap you go around saying.
We’re the best at war. We spend all most as much money on the military as every other country combined, but we win. We’re the New York Yankees of warfare. No one can touch our payroll, and we have the results to back it up, too:
- Revolutionary War: Win
- War of 1812: Win, but I don’t know whom we fought.
- French and Indian War: Win. I assume we fought in this. We must have won. Otherwise, we would be French and would have surrendered in the rest of our wars.
- Civil War: Win (for most of us).
- Spanish-American War: Win
- World War I: Win
- World War II: Win
- Korean War: Win. Okay, technically we won. The war isn’t really over. They just declared a truce.
- Vietnam War: Forfeit
- Gulf War: Win
- Iraq War: Win
- Afghanistan War (or whatever they call it): Winning.
- Canadian War (planning stages)
Anyone would admit that is an impressive record. This doesn’t even count our skirmishes like Grenada and Panama. Even someone like me who has never been in the military and would be unfit to serve anyway can swell up with pride about our military.
American sports are just better. Okay, I know that soccer is the most popular sport in the world. Big deal. We took soccer and it’s more violent cousin, rugby, and turned them into football. Let’s see some Euro-trash do that.
Baseball is a vast improvement over the foolish looking game of cricket with its rounders and batsmen. Basketball is all ours. Invented here. Perfected here.
What have they given us? Soccer. Bullfighting, maybe. That’s it. Jai Alai? That’s only watched by degenerate gamblers. Hockey? Hell, no Americans play it.
We’re better athletes than the rest of the world, too. Eastern Bloc countries used to challenge us. The Soviet Union was a group of like 20 countries–no wonder they won a lot of Olympic medals. Each on its own can’t match us. Now, the East Germans (yes, kids, there used to be an East Germany) gave us massive she-male swimmers. We could have done that, but we like our chicks hot. And female.
American money is just better. It looks like money. That’s why it’s the international choice for business exchange. Look at what other countries have to use:
Of course, dictators always mar their money:
Our money has former presidents and other impressive dignitaries (with the possible exception of Salmon Chase) on it. Plus, our One Dollar Bill has a weird, mystical-looking image on the back.
Some foreign money looks like napkins. Some of it looks like old paper bags. Ours is just much better. Plus, it’s American. Stuff a 1 Dinar bill in a stripper’s g-string, and you’ll not only get ignored, but a bouncer will probably beat the bejesus out of you.
Finally, we have the $2 bill, greatest of all monetary denominations. It’s worth two dollars, of course, but if you use one, look at the faces light up! If you give a stripper a $2 bill she’ll dance for you all night, at least that’s what I’ve heard.
We invented rock ‘n’ roll. And country music. Nuff said. Oh, I know about Mozart and Beethoven and Bach and those other haughty composers. But, we flat rock. The rest of the world is still trying to catch up.
The British have made inroads in rock, of course, but they speak English. Plus, when they sing, most of them do so without that goofy accent. That’s counterbalanced by their shameful ending of Jerry Lee Lewis’s career. Apparently, the Brits have a problem with someone marrying his cousin–unless that someone is called a Prince or King. By the way, who had the number 1 single in the UK for 11 weeks in the 1950’s? Slim Whitman, American. That little record only lasted 36 years.
Australia and Scotland gave us AC/DC. For that, we are forever grateful. Beyond that, the rest of the world can’t say much.
There is one area where we failed miserably. Christian Rock. It’s like milk and Coca-Cola. Separately, they are both excellent. Combined, they’re awful. Christian rock works the same way. It’s like Soviet hair bands during the Glasnost Era. It just doesn’t work. We apologize for trying.
Here’s what we have:
- Sports (see above)
- Music (see above)
- Movies (no subtitles)
- Tractor Pulls
- Eating contests
- TV (again, no subtitles)
Here’s what they have:
- Goat-carcass polo
- Royal Families
- American Flag burning
- Telemundo (actually, it’s pretty good)
- Incomprehensible Swedish films
- Anti-American chanting
- Vodka (Russia only)
- Loathsome diseases
- Civil war
I’ll admit that they hold their own in pornography (that’s what I’ve been told). Otherwise, all our stuff is better.
We’re edgy. We’re like a neighbor who is a nice guy, always friendly, but you find out that he’s beaten the crap out of a bunch of people. That’s us. Nice people. Generous to a fault. Cross us, and we’ll kill you. We’re like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. Stay off our lawn.
We speak our minds, even if our minds are full things best kept quiet. Right now, there’s great controversy over an anti-Islamic film made here in the USA. We do that kind of thing. We make insulting films. I watched a couple of clips of that movie. Not since Manos The Hands of Fate has there been such a poorly made film. We don’t care. It’s controversial. The Last Temptation of Christ is a great film, but it made people go nuts back in the 1980’s. Fortunately, no one tried to kill Martin Scorcese for making it.
We have Nazis in the U.S. Some countries have outlawed the Nazis but not us. You can be a Nazi here. Or a Communist. Or a Socialist. Anything. You can start a cult or join an established one. You can speak your mind about damn near anything. If a bunch of tools want to protest at funerals, they can. Of course, others of us might beat the crap out of them. It’s the American Way.
Once you speak your mind, everyone else is entitled to get pissed off. And we do. We’ll yell right back at you. Now, we usually don’t go completely mental and attack each other. Usually.
Who’s the only country to nuke another country? U! S! A! If you didn’t want nuked, you should have thought about that before you bombed our naval base. That’s how we roll. Think about this: We didn’t want to be in WWII. The economy was a wreck. We didn’t have a fighting army or many weapons. Less than four years later, we build a freakin’ atom bomb! Stay off our lawn!
If it weren’t for us, they’d be speaking German in London right now and goose-stepping in front of Buckingham Palace. Think about that. What’s German for “lorry?” We kick ass and take names. Why? Because we’re edgy.
I AM AN AMERICAN
Mostly, I like being an American, because I am one. I always have been. I’m not a foreigner. I also haven’t traveled to foreign countries. Well, I did once. I went to Mexico, and I got severe diarrhea. That should tell you something. Not that I haven’t had diarrhea in America, but that’s different. It’s American.
In the great book, Catch-22, a character observes that there are 50 countries fighting in World War II and that not all of them can be worth dying for. I agree. Only America is worth that, but I must confess that I would hate to be put to the test on that one. Of course, I’ll say it anyway.
There are other things I like about America–leggy supermodels, good candy, Waffle House, gas-guzzling cars and many other things. It’s good to be an American. At least I hope so, because that’s what I am.
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