Bad Interviews: A Guide For Aspiring Lawyers

For many years, I worked at a large law firm in Kentucky. For 10 years, I was on the hiring committee, which was known by the much haughtier “Professional Personnel Committee.” It was a thankless position which drew criticism from people who wanted to hire their relatives and children of their friends. I don’t know how many people I interviewed, but it has to be several hundred.

Most of the folks I interviewed were law students, some looking for summer work and others for full-time employment. I saw a little bit of everything over those years. I learned that you can’t really learn much about someone in a twenty or thirty minute interview. We hired people who seemed perfectly okay, only to find out they were social misfits or wholly unpleasant people. Fortunately, many such people had risen to important positions in our firm over the years, so there was always a place for them.

The truth is that it’s hard to wow people during an interview. This is especially true if that person is interviewing numerous people on the same day. Hopefully, your resume’ is impressive and you have at least rudimentary social skills. After that, it’s a crap shoot.

While wowing the interviewer may be difficult, repulsing the your prospective employer is not. That’s what this post is about. Below, I offer you several basic ways to ensure that your interview goes well–or not. One caveat: This is just from my perspective. Some things that annoy me might be downright charming to someone else. Hopefully, you can find some freak like that who is hiring.

DON’T DRESS LIKE AN IDIOT

This is directed primarily to men, because they are the ones who don’t know how to dress themselves. Young men, in particular, struggle. I don’t know why, but it’s true.

Dressing for a professional interview is pretty simple. A nice suit, tie, shirt and shoes. How can you go wrong?

Well, how about getting clothes that fit? I interviewed a very nice and impressive young man whose shirt sleeves were too long. They almost covered his hands. It was probably his dad’s shirt. We hired him anyway. He worked for us all summer with his damn hands half-covered by his shirt. By the way, he did a good job, but the shirts just wrecked it.

Years ago, silks ties weren’t that easy to find. Now, you can buy them at Walmart. Just get a silk tie. Oh, and learn to tie it. Maybe your dad can help you. If not, give a vagrant a couple of bucks and see if he can help. Just don’t screw it up. Interviewers will never tell you this, but if the knot in your tie is a disaster, they won’t stop staring at it. It’s like having a face tattoo. Here’s a bad one:

ESPN football analyst Merril Hoge is well-known for his outrageous knots.

Hoge is an excellent analyst, but I wouldn’t hire him. By the way, I met him one time in an airport. Nice fellow. Fortunately, he wasn’t wearing a tie.

Ronald Reagan is best known as the patron saint of all things conservative. I, on the other hand, admired his neckwear:

President Reagan tied a hell of a knot.

It’s simple: Reagan “Yes.” Hoge “No.”

What about shoes? Wingtips and cap toes never fail you. Loafers can work, too, as long as they’re not too weird. Fancy tassels and weird two-toned colors are off-putting. It goes without saying that you should wear socks. Actually, it doesn’t go without saying. I interviewed a guy who didn’t have on socks. NEXT!

Here are some shoes that will do you in before the interview starts:

I don’t know what you call these, but I don’t like them.

A guy wore these to an interview with me. I couldn’t quit looking at them, thinking “What the hell is wrong with this guy? You can’t wear those with a suit!” Later, when our committee met to discuss the interviews, everyone LOVED this guy. I just said, “Hey, did you see his shoes? There’s a problem here.” Oh, how they scoffed at me! So, I was out-voted, and we hired him for the summer. It was a disaster, of course. The guy couldn’t follow rules and was just generally annoying. The shoes told the story.

One final thought on clothes: Just wear something normal. If you have the urge to make a statement with your attire, resist it. You may fancy bolo ties and cravats in your personal life. Good for you, but I don’t want to see that. Don’t be, as a colleague of mine once said, a “glitzy bastard.”

Here’s how I deal with this in my life. My wife picks out my clothes. Try that, except use your own wife or girlfriend.

DON’T ACT WEIRD

This is a tough one, because you may be weird. If you’re in law school, the chances are pretty good that your are. You have to tamp that down for your interview.

I interviewed a young man who had quite the impressive resume’. He was an outstanding student with an impressive work history. After we exchanged pleasantries, here is how the interview started:

HIM: I was just in the bathroom and noticed that I have this big zit on my face.

He was correct. He then explained that his face breaks out when he’s nervous. I couldn’t focus on anything else. I was checking his face to see if there would further eruptions.

Then, there was the guy who held his tie between his index and middle fingers and flipped it up and down when he talked. Finally, he looked down at his tie and said: “I keep doing that, don’t I?”

A young lady had to take a break during our interview for a snack. It was okay with me, but it did make the interview drag a bit. She answered my questions between handfuls of chips.

I could list a dozen more similar tales, but I won’t. The bottom line is that you may have to hide your true self during the interview. I used to tell interviewees: “If you spend a lot of time wearing Spock ears and playing Dungeons & Dragons, just keep that to yourself.”

NO ONE LIKES A POMPOUS ASS

Although being a pompous ass may well go hand in hand with being a lawyer, most people don’t like pompous asses. Here are just a few things NOT to say in your interview:

I’m a perfectionist. [Oh, good. We all want some over-achieving jackass around us all day].
Your firm has a great reputation. [This means nothing to me. My firm had a reputation at one point of being a miserable sweat shop. We knew that.]
I’m interested in International Law. [Good for you. Go find an International Law Firm].
I enjoy working hard. [No one enjoys that. If you do, I don’t want to be around you.]
I’m a self-starter [Really? As opposed to a sloth who has to be kicked to get moving?]

The simple truth is that you aren’t that impressive. Yes, a work ethic and baseline intelligence are necessary, but if you’ve made good grades you likely meet those requirements. Remember: Your goal is to come across as reasonably normal. You can’t really impress a pompous ass like me anyway.

Oh, don’t carry a brief case. That just makes me want to beat you over the head with it.

FACIAL HAIR

Again, this applies to men only (usually). Take it easy on the odd facial hair. Here is a photo of one of my sons:

My son’s facial hair is a non-starter for an interview.

I love my son, but if I were interviewing for a new son, he wouldn’t get a call back.

The basic beard or mustache is fine. Mutton chops are not. The same goes for the classic Fu Manchu. The soul patch is definitely out, too.

Here’s my advice: Just shave before your interview. That way, you take out any possibility of your taste in facial hair being a problem. For women, it’s even more important.

GET A HAIRCUT, HIPPY!

Closely related to facial hair is head hair. GROOM YOURSELF APPROPRIATELY.

Back in the 1990’s slicked back hair was all the rage for the aspiring young professional male. Thank God that was short-lived or we’d be kowtowing to an army of Jerry Lewises now. If you think you should be the one to bring back that look, think again. Then wash your hair.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is unkempt hair. Hey, you might be a hipster or gadfly of some sort. Your hair may be your calling card. That’s your choice, of course, but I won’t overlook it. Check your hair in a mirror. Is there a part in it? If not, start comb it until a part develops. That’s a good start.

It’s also good time to check out your hair care products: gels, sprays and the like. While I don’t like unruly hair, don’t go too far. If your hair looks like it could deflect a hockey puck or is in danger dripping on your impressive resume’, back off a tad.

Hair color is important. I’m not suggesting for a moment that you change your natural hair color, but, if you do, go with a natural color. I don’t mean just any color found in nature, such as violet, orange or bright red. I mean a color of human hair. I grew up in a small town where women had an affinity for blonde hair–really blonde. I know that it is easy go way over the line with it. Like any healthy man, I appreciate a nice blonde look, but don’t over do it. Ric Flair is not the look we want.

Ric Flair has nice, but the hair needs work.

Ric Flair has a nice suit, but the hair needs work.

If you do go blonde, steer clear of Stripper Curls:

This isn’t the image you want to impress upon your prospective employer–or IS IT?

If this is all too overwhelming for you, just shave your head. A word of caution to women: That’s usually not a good look for you. Use your judgment.

RANDOM ODDITIES

In closing, here are few more deal-killers, all based upon my real life experiences:

The only men who wear white dress shoes are pimps. If you are interviewing for a pimping position, that’s fine. Otherwise, it’s a no go.
Asking questions is fine. Asking a hundred isn’t. You’ll know you’ve overdone it when the interviewer says “SHUT THE HELL UP!”
Eye contact is good. Staring isn’t. I don’t need you to look into my soul. I won’t hesitate to ask “What the [expletive deleted] are you looking at?”
Your controversial political or religious views are probably fascinating to some people. I’m not one of them.
Pinky rings on men and dozens of bracelets on women: These are distracting, and I don’t like them.
If you sweat profusely, just stop it for the interview. It’s only decent.
Talking is a plus. Mutes struggle to make an impression.
Zip up your pants.
And your skirt.
I have an Eastern Kentucky accent. Unless you have one, too, don’t make mine a point of emphasis.

Good luck out there. The good news is that most people don’t like doing interviews and barely pay attention anyway. Of course, I’m not one of those people. The better news is that I’ve retired from interviewing. Aren’t you glad?

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

2 Comments Leave a comment

Hands Off: A Touchy Subject

I’m not a touchy person. By that, I don’t mean that I’m not sensitive. I’m damn sensitive. I mean that I’m not one of those types who touches other people. I just assume that you don’t want me to paw all over you. God knows that I don’t want to be molested by people.

I’m probably in the minority on this, but I just don’t care much for all the touching. Why? I’m not sure. I’m not autistic or mental or anything (as far as I know). I don’t have any particularly severe fear of germs. Oh, sure, I don’t like breathing in public restrooms or touching doorknobs. I used to wash my hands all the time like Howard Hughes, but I stopped doing that several years ago. Even though you’re probably all germy, it’s not that big a deal. It’s really just the touching.

Let’s be clear about one thing: I’m not talking about sexual touching or any touching you might do in the privacy of your own home. That’s your business. Such groping is best left to one’s discretion. We certainly do not need to hear about the details nor do I have any advice in that regard.

THE HANDSHAKE

The most basic form of social touching is the handshake. What a weird custom. I can understand why some cultures just don’t do it. I read somewhere that the ancients Greeks started it as a gesture of goodwill to show that they weren’t carrying weapons. They also had sex with children. Why the Hell would we want to follow their customs?

I have no issue with the basic handshake–a quick, firm grab of the hand followed by two pumps. I guess it’s an okay way to greet people. Of course, there are the people who always shake your hand. I have a good friend who always shakes my hand when we see each other. It’s like we’ve never met. I suppose it’s his way of saying: “Hello, old friend, I now grasp your hand to show that we remain on good terms. And that I don’t have a damn gun.” Then again, I do the same thing when I meet someone I’ve never seen and will never see again. It’s confusing.

In case you are a total dimwit, here is a simple schematic on appropriate handshaking.

What I don’t like is the two-hand shake. You know this one. It’s the regular handshake coupled with the other hand grabbing the outside of my hand. It’s like the shaker wants to make sure I can’t change my mind and pull away.

The dreaded double-grip shake.

I don’t like the Bone-Crusher. Many years ago, I met the Governor of Kentucky, a gregarious fellow named Julian Carroll. He crushed my hand. I still remember the bones mashing together and the gristle popping. Always remember if you shake hands with a man like me–a man with delicate girl hands–take it easy. More importantly, remember it with old people. They aren’t strong and often suffer from rheumatoid arthritis. Let them dictate the appropriate grip strength.

Hand shaking is fine. Hand-holding is not. Walk up and try to hold a stranger’s hand. It never works. So, remember: Shake=Good. Hold=Bad.

Fist-bumping is a form of handshake. It’s certainly more sanitary. I’m cool with this, too, but it’s reserved for people I already know–and only men. It’s too awkward upon an initial meeting.

Nothing good can be said of the high-five. Call me racist if you must, but white people must stay away from this. We lack the coordination to make it work consistently. There is nothing more embarrassing than whiffing on the old high-five. Needless to say, women don’t high-five. Ever.

THE HUG

Full disclosure: I’m not a hugger. Maybe you are. If so, I don’t judge you, but I also don’t understand you. The hug is the handshake’s amorous cousin.

Huggers will hug you whenever they see you. Oddly, they don’t hug when they first meet you. The handshake suffices. After that, though, the hug is the preferred method of greeting. Normally, it involves one arm and a delicate lean with a lead shoulder. You, then, are required to hug back in a similar fashion. If you’re like me, this is awkward, and you look like nothing so much as a man hugging a cactus.

One thing you don’t do is use the two-armed bear hug in return. This is too aggressive and could be misconstrued as an assault. It’s equally important to release the hug after a brief, impersonal embrace. If you hold the hug even slightly too long, the situation becomes uncomfortable quickly. This is especially so if you say something like “Mmmm” or “Ohhhh.”

NBA star Tracy McGrady demonstrates an inappropriate hug on Chinese giant Yao Ming.

If you must hug, I suggest the Man Hug. This consists of a quick upper-body embrace followed by one brief pat on the back. DO NOT REACH UNDER THE ARMS FOR THE MAN HUG!

The reverse hug is nothing more than a sexual assault.

Related to the basic hug of greeting is the conversational hug. Typically, this is a man who puts his arm around you while talking to you. I can’t put too fine a point on this: NO ONE LIKES THIS. It’s just weird. Don’t do it.

THE KISS

I’m not talking about sexual kissing. After all, who among us doesn’t appreciate a vigorous make out session? This kissing is the non-sexual Greeting Kiss. This is the man or woman who, while shaking your hand or hugging you, gives you a big, wet kiss. It’s not on the mouth–usually. It will be on the cheek. I’ve never seen two men do it, although it makes as much sense as two women. Come to think of it, I think French men kiss each other, but they’re French. Need I say more?

Truth be told, we have too many rules in our own country to worry about bizarre and possibly socialistic customs of foreigners.

Even our own President can be caught unawares by bizarre foreign kissing.

Why, oh, why do they do this? This isn’t like your Grandma or Aunt kissing you, either. They’re your relatives. Kissing is a really intimate thing with non-relatives. The next time you are in public, take a look around and count up all the people you wouldn’t kiss under any circumstances. It’s probably 90%. We reserve kissing for those we want to kiss or, again, our relatives. And, let’s face it, we’d rather not kiss or be kissed by most of our relatives, but it’s expected of us.

This photo depicts a nightmarish scene of hugging, kissing and groping.

I think of myself as a fine fellow, but I don’t kid myself–I’m not a handsome man. Women do not look at me and desire to kiss me. So, if you kiss me as a form of greeting, it’s almost like you’re sympathetically kissing an animal. I am not an animal.

I try my best to avoid the Greeting Kiss. I’ll abruptly turn my head. Sometimes, I’ll kiss back–on the neck. That’s usually the end of it. Usually.

HERE’S THE RUB

Some folks like to rub. Oh, I’m not talking about strippers or masseuses. This is the guy who will rub your back while talking to you. Worse, he may walk up behind a woman and rub her shoulders. He is a lawsuit waiting to happen. It’s just a matter of time.

I once worked with a woman–a very nice woman–who would do this. She wasn’t unattractive, but I didn’t like it. It’s too familiar. Rub someone you know well–very well.

TOUCH TOO MUCH

Perhaps the most troubling aspect of all this touching is that there are very few areas on the human body that are acceptable to touch on another person. We all know that genitalia are off-limits, at least most of the time and always in social settings. In fact, almost the entire human body is off-limits. “But,” you say, “we know the hand is acceptable because of the handshake.” Oh, really? How about the back of the hand? When you meet someone, caress the back of his or her hand. You won’t be introduced to anyone else that evening.

Let’s examine the human back. Certainly, the buttocks area is off-limits, except in sports where it may be slapped as a form of encouragement. How about the lower back? Hmmm. It doesn’t work, does it? Imagine the Hugger’s reaction when you grab her lower back and pull her toward you. Security will remove you shortly thereafter. The mid-back is perhaps acceptable; however, it makes for an awkward hug. The upper back is generally okay, as is the shoulder area.

I pride myself on having a typical human back:

The red line is the line of demarcation indicating the border of acceptable touching area on my back.

The front of the human body is completely off-limits. There is no way you can rub the tummy of co-worker without violating every sexual harassment rule. The chest? C’mon! No way. Chest touching is appropriate only for getting to second base or picking a fight.

The side of the torso is a gray area but should be avoided. It carries with it the connotation that you are grabbing the other person. Not good.

Below the belt line is also completely taboo–front, back, sides–it doesn’t matter. There’s no way to do it without causing a scene.

The face and head are out-of-bounds, too, unless for the Greeting Kiss. Pawing around on someone’s face or head is creepy. Don’t do it.

What of the neck? Do we even need to discuss this? What kind of weirdo are you?

This leaves us with the arms. They are mostly okay, I suppose, but be careful. Touching someone’s arm while talking to him or her is usually not offensive or suggestive. Rubbing that same arm is bad news.

Once you consider the human body and its many untouchable spots, there is no point in all the touchy behavior. You are tip-toeing around disaster the entire time. Why take the chance? You know that the basic handshake is safe. Stick to that.

SO, WHAT’S MY PROBLEM?

At this point, you’re wondering about my psychological well-being. That’s probably a legitimate concern. I don’t really have problems with so-called “personal space,” although I will admit that I don’t like crowds, either. It’s just the touchy stuff. Before you say “Lighten up, Francis,” consider that I may not be so unusual.

I’ve never been one to engage in public displays of affection, so it’s understandable that I would be reticent to paw around on strangers or mere acquaintances. Nevertheless, should we ever meet, extend the hand of friendship, and I will gladly shake it. It’s my way of saying:

“I am pleased to meet you and now gladly mash our hands together with no idea whether you’ve washed your hands in the past few days. I am, however, glad to see that you do not have a weapon. Now, excuse me, while I look for some hand soap.”

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

2 Comments Leave a comment

Fast Food Follies: A Brief Personal History

Like most, if not all, Americans, I’ve eaten quite a bit of fast food. Several years ago, I made a concerted effort to eliminate it as a regular part of my diet, and I have done just that. Nevertheless, I still occasionally dine at these well-known eateries, especially when traveling

I’m not one of those who condemns fast food, mind you. I don’t even mind the pink slime that became an Internet sensation. Hey, if it cooks up into something tasty and moderately safe to eat, I’m fine with it. Fast food gives us consistency. When you travel for work as I do, it’s comforting to know what you’re ordering. A Big Mac is a Big Mac whether you order it in Hawaii or Pikeville, Kentucky.

What is fast food? My definition is that: (1) You must order at a counter or drive thru; (2) The food must be subject to uniform preparation rules; (3) You must pay when you order; (4) the food must be served in paper bags and wrappers; and (5) the restaurant must at least strive to get your food to you quickly (i.e., while standing at the counter or sitting in the drive thru). I except delis and sub shops from this definition for no reason other than they just don’t seem to fit. You can come up with your own definition. I really don’t care. After all, this is about me, not you.

Recently, I was standing in line at a Dairy Queen and pondered how much time I’ve spent waiting for food in one of these establishments. I gave up trying to figure it out, concluding that it was just a hell of a lot. It did, though, make me think about my long history with fast food. It’s been a quite a trip.

RAY KROC WAS A GOOD GUY

Through most of my childhood in Harlan County, Kentucky, we didn’t have fast food. The closest things were a couple of drive-in restaurants, but they weren’t all that fast. We did, however, travel outside the county often. One of the highlights of such treks was passing through Corbin, Kentucky. Corbin had a McDonald’s.

Dad would always stop and get us something from McDonald’s. Burgers, McNuggets, Egg McMuffins and french fries–they were fascinating taste treats. Dad would usually send me in to get the food. I loved it.

It was 1978, when I was 15 years old, that I had my encounter with Ray Kroc. For the uninformed, Kroc was the founder of McDonald’s and its CEO for many, many years. As a young baseball fan, I also knew that he was the owner of the San Diego Padres. I used this to my advantage.

On the way to a Cincinnati Reds game, we stopped at the Corbin McDonald’s. I was the only patron at the counter. The workers ignored me. They were engaged in some sort of inane banter behind the counter. Now, you must know that, even as an adolescent, I had a bit of an overblown view of myself. Thus, I became increasingly agitated. Finally, I said: “Hey! Customer here!!” The young lady at the register gave me a look of contempt and said “Just a second” and continued talking. Eventually, she took my order, but I was incensed. So, I wrote Ray Kroc a letter.

I had a written quite a few fans letters to baseball players. So, I knew that a letter addressed to “San Diego Padres, Jack Murphy Stadium, San Diego, California” would get to Ray. I wrote him and told him of the vile treatment I received. I typed the letter, so as not to indicate that I was a sullen teenager. It was heartfelt and my indignation dripped from it.

What I didn’t expect was that he would read it. He did, and he wrote back:

Ray was none too pleased with the laggards in Corbin.

As you can see, he wasn’t happy. As Ray promised, I also got a letter from a Regional Manager for McDonald’s. He said that he had heard from Mr. Kroc and offered his apologies (and gift certificates). The manager of the restaurant wrote me too (with gift certificates, of course). I felt like kind of big deal. It took us a long time to use all those gift certificates.

Ray Kroc was a generous man, leaving millions to charity when he died. He was pretty cool, too.

GOD SAVE THE (BURGER) QUEEN

To the best of my recollection, Harlan County’s first fast food restaurant was Burger Queen. That’s not a typo– Queen, not King. Its logo looked like this:

As you might expect, they sold burgers. They were thin little meat patties mashed between a tasteless bun. They were exceptionally salty, too. BQ also sold mediocre fried chicken. The Cherry Sprites, by contrast, were excellent. We loved the place.

(Okay, I know you Harlan Countians out there will point out that we had a Kentucky Fried Chicken first, but I just can’t count that. I don’t know why–maybe it’s the lack of burgers).

For you young folks, fast food restaurants used keep piles of burgers under heat lamps–no microwave ovens. If you wanted anything non-standard, you had to wait. I am well-known for my aversion to condiments–mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, etc. These befoul burgers and are unacceptable. BQ struggled with this concept. I always ordered two plain cheeseburgers, and they rarely got it straight.

One day, I met a couple of friends at BQ. I ordered my burgers and took them to the table. I unwrapped them, and-of course–they were smeared with ketchup, mustard and pickles–all the crap which would trigger my gag reflex.

My disgust showed immediately, drawing the attention of another patron, a rather rough-looking fellow with long, greasy hair. He walked to our table and asked: “Did they f–k up your order, buddy?” I said “Yeah, they were supposed to be plain.” My new friend advised: “Look here, take them damn burgers up there and stomp on ’em right in front of that bitch! I’ll do it for you, by God!” Despite the appeal, I declined his suggestion. I did get a couple of new burgers, though.

That’s my Burger Queen story. It’s not much of a story, but that’s it. Burger Queen became Druther’s (slogan–“I’d Ruther Go to Druther’s“), but it was pretty much the same food. Druther’s died out, except for one left in Campbellsville, Kentucky. I know. I saw it in the summer of 2012:

I asked a local about it, and he said it was the last one. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’d like to think so.

FAST BUT NOT FRIENDLY

When I was in high school, Harlan experienced a bit of a fast food revolution. Kentucky Fried Chicken and Druthers were joined by Wendy’s. Pizza Hut also came on board, sort of a fast food pizza palace. My friends and I made use of Druther’s, Pizza Hut and Wendy’s as hangouts–sometimes in the parking lot but often inside. Three or four of us would order Cokes and we’d sit there for hours (maybe it just seemed like hours). We weren’t really good customers, and we weren’t always welcome. A tale from Wendy’s illustrates the point.

Late one night, two friends and I were sitting at a table in Wendy’s, nursing our colas. I was pouring salt into a pile on the table while we discussed the news of the day. At some point, I asked if perhaps we should order something else in order to justify our presence. One of my cohorts remarked: “Hey, we bought Cokes. They can’t make us leave.” One of the employees at the business end of push broom heard this remark and said: “Then, you can sweep up this f—ing mess, you mother——s!” We took this as a subtle cue to leave, only to discover that we were locked in! While we fumbled with the lock, our former hostess hurled more invectives our way. One of my companions, in an ill-conceived effort to defuse the situation, said: “Look, bitch, why don’t you just fly away on that f—ing broom?!?!” The end result was that we were banned from Wendy’s. It has been over 30 years, and I have never set foot in that establishment since. As far as I know, the ban did not extend to all Wendy’s. I’m please to say that I have been to many others over the years without incident.

Today, I occasionally encounter unfriendly workers. You know them, too, I’m sure. They blankly stare at you with what my father called a “hang-dog” look on their faces. They mutely take your order, perhaps muttering a disingenuous “welcome” after you thank them. I try not to be offended. They don’t like their jobs and no civility on my part will change that.

KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID

The old military acronym KISS or “Keep It Simple, Stupid!” applies to dealing with fast food establishments. My aversion to condiments makes this difficult for me. For example, here’s a recent exchange with a McDonald’s employee:

HER: Can I help you?

ME: Two Angus Snack Wraps. No onion or sauce please.

HER: Do you want cheese?

ME: Well, yes. No onion and no sauce, though.

HER: Do you want lettuce?

ME: Yes, yes. Lettuce is fine. No onion. No sauce.

Here’s what I got: Two Snack Wraps with no cheese but onions. I blame myself. I threw off the order of the fast food system. It isn’t designed for gadflies like me.

Another thing is that I’m confident that they spit on special orders. I try to keep it simple. If there is something festooned with all manner of objectionable toppings, I just avoid it.

TAKING THE FAST OUT OF FAST FOOD

One obvious advantage of fast food is the fast part. We knowingly trade careful food preparation for speed and uniformity. We want our food quickly–at least I do.

Here’s a suggestion for everyone. If you and–say–5 of your family members walk up to the counter, take note if there is a lone person behind you. Allow that person and his simple, one-person order to go ahead of you. Think of it as the fast food equivalent of playing through in golf. Likewise, if you are a lone patron but are placing an order for scads of other people, be considerate of those behind you. Many of us are impatient and explosively violent when our patience is taxed.

Another suggestion is to have your act together when you order. If you need to ponder the menu and consult others before ordering, YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO ORDER! Get the Hell out of the way! I just can’t stress this point enough. It’s a fast food restaurant. The menu should be well-known to you. There are even pictures of all the food on the wall, for God’s sake. It can’t be all that confusing. Your family members should also get their heads out of their…well, you get it. If you must have a family meeting at the register, you should be at home eating together in order to become more familiar with your family’s eating habits.

The restaurants themselves can help us, too. How about having more than one person working at the register? I fully understand why only one person can take orders at the drive-thru. When only person takes orders inside, this happens:

Your author is tormented by one register plus a confused family placing order. Note the obvious disgust of the arthritic biker in front of me.

If our society is to continue to function, this kind of thing can’t be allowed. I’m confident that the Roman Empire’s decay began over something like this.

CONVENIENCE

Convenience is the great calling card of fast food. Believe it or not, there was a time when you could drive great distances in America without finding decent food–unless you were lucky enough to encounter a Stuckey’s. Now, we have fast food at almost every Interstate exit and in most towns of any size.

The restaurants also have restrooms, and most of them are reasonably clean. If one must make a–[ahem]–major transaction, cleanliness is paramount. There are no condom machines in them, either. I have never been comfortable with the public condom machine. What kind of person uses those? Worse yet, I don’t want to be confined in a men’s room with one of those folks. I have nightmares of washing my hands when I glance some demented drifter in the mirror opening a condom. While we have many fine truck stops in our great land, the combination of condom machines and showers just makes me uncomfortable for obvious reasons.

You are also fairly safe to nap in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant. What? You don’t do that? Well, you should. Napping at a rest area or truck stop is just an invitation to a serial killer.

THE FUTURE

Despite pleas from the likes of Michael Bloomberg and Michelle Obama, I suspect that fast food is here to stay. I’m fine with that. Technological advances will likely make the food faster and better for our children and grandchildren. I envision a day when lobster tails, deadly blow fish and prime beef will be served to me by pimply faced teenagers and ex-cons. I also hope that someone will perfect my idea of the “reverse” microwave oven which freezes hot things in seconds. I’m not sure how they’d use it, but I’m sure someone will figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll continue to indulge my weakness for Dairy Queen’s Reese’s Cup Blizzard and McDonald’s French fries.

Remember, too, that a lot of folks working behind the counter don’t like their jobs. Someday, robots will take our orders. Until then, teenagers and part-time workers will have to do. Be courteous, unless of course they’ve made you wait too long. After all, it is fast food.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

2 Comments Leave a comment

Five Parenting Myths–or Lies (According to Me)

I’ve been a parent for over 20 years now. I’ve also been a child for 51 years. So, I know a thing or two about parents and children. Experience is, after all, the best teacher.

I don’t listen to parenting advice, because most of it is useless. I also haven’t done any research on parenting, except for my own hands-on research with three sons. As a result, anything you read here should be taken with a grain of salt. It’s unlikely that I know any more than you do, unless you don’t have children. In that case, I know more about parenting than you will EVER know, unless you end up having kids. As an aside, if you have dogs, I’m fine with that, but it doesn’t count unless you have to send your dog to college or it learns to drive a car.

Over the years, I’ve heard a lot of stuff about parenting. Most of it is wrong, at least for me. As a service to my fellow parents and future members of the club, here are the Five Myths of Parenting:

1. PARENTING IS THE HARDEST JOB YOU’LL EVER HAVE

I guess this is possible, depending on what kind of job you have. I’m a lawyer, and it’s a pretty hard job. I’ve worked long hours under tremendous stress. Parenting isn’t nearly that stressful.

Have you ever heard of a “belt mucker?” That’s a job in a coal mine where you clean up coal spills on the conveyor belt line. You use a shovel. Often, you work bent over or on your knees because there isn’t room to stand up. Sometimes, the mine floor is so wet that you have to use buckets to clean up the coal and muck. It’s a hard, hard job–much harder than being a lawyer and a hell of a lot harder than taking care of children.

Watch the film The Hurt Locker. Think about being on a bomb squad in Iraq. Helping Johnny with his homework doesn’t seem so tough, does it?

I saw a guy pumping out a port-a-potty the other day. I bet he wouldn’t mind doing your kid’s laundry.

None of this means being a parent is easy. Nothing worthwhile is easy. Nevertheless, there’s a huge gulf between easy and the most difficult thing on Earth. If parenting is the hardest job you’ve ever done, chances are you’re doing it all wrong.

2. YOU MUST DO THE BEST YOU KNOW HOW TO DO

We all like to think we’re doing our very best in raising our children. That’s a lofty goal, but it’s not true nor is it necessary. Is there anything you do that you always do the best you know how to do? How about your job? C’mon. Everyone slacks off at work. You take vacations don’t you?

The thing about parenting is that you’re always on the clock. We all take breaks on occasion, and that’s okay. Ever park your kid in front of the television? I have. My oldest son used to be hypnotized by Barney. We need that sometimes. Who among hasn’t sent one of the kids to a neighbor’s house just for some peace and quiet? Again, it’s okay.

Here’s what we should do all the time: Stuff. Something. Anything (assuming it’s not harmful). Make your kids dinner, even if it’s crappy. Ask them about school, even if you really don’t give a damn at the moment. Feign interest in what they’re doing, even when you are much more concerned about yourself. Go to their ball games despite them being poorly played or your kid not being any good. Act like you’re interested. Maybe this is the best we can do, but that’s doubtful.

Just do stuff. Half-ass is okay. Often, you’ll be totally on your parenting game and fully engaged. When you’re not, just do stuff.

3. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR CHILD’S SUCCESS

This is a double-edged lie–that you are responsible for the success of your children and the converse that you are to blame for their failures. Although you can make substantial contributions to either outcome, you can’t truthfully claim credit.

Your kids are people–human beings even. They make decisions. They don’t listen well. Some of them, despite being otherwise fine children, rebel against your advice. I was like that. If told to do something, I spent all my energy on finding another way to do it. The older they get, the worse it gets, too. Have you ever tried to force someone to do something? It’s not easy.

Maybe your kid does well, because you’re the greatest parent on Earth. Then again, maybe your kid has certain natural strengths and exploits them. I have two sons who are excellent athletes. Why? They were born that way. Another of my sons is as smart as anyone I’ve ever met. It’s just how he is. I didn’t train him to be that way.

Let’s say you send your kid to only the best schools. Here’s a little secret that your kid probably hasn’t shared with you. Kids at the best schools drink, take drugs and have sex with each other. They do. If your kid wants to find a bad crowd, it’s right there. You can provide opportunities for your son or daughter, but if he or she does well, give credit where credit is due–and it ain’t to you!

If you are fortunate enough to be able to provide the best for your kids–schools, clothes, houses, etc.–consider that your kids have many advantages. In fact, they should do well under those conditions. If you’re born on third base, you didn’t hit a triple.

The other side is that your kid may do very poorly. Do you want the blame for that? I sure wouldn’t. The good news is that it’s probably not your fault. Oh, you may play a part, just like with the successes. You may be one of those despicable parents who do nothing for their kids. If so, you’ve laid the groundwork. Ultimately, though, your kid gets to own his or her failures.

Another reminder–here’s what you can do: Something. Just do something. Try. Give them some direction. Set a good example. Help them when they need help. Be sure they go to the doctor. Feed them. Clothe them. Just put forth a little effort. Something is better than nothing.

4. YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN

I’m not suggesting that you ignore your children. Of course, we all should try to shield our children from harm and do no harm to them ourselves. That’s not the same as insulating them from the world. That just can’t be done.

Nowadays, we’re bombarded with terrifying scenarios: drug abuse, pedophiles, bullies, Internet stalkers, ungodly schools and general evil. It would be nice to just spare our kids all of this. You can’t. I can’t. We can’t. The world has a lot of rough edges. And that is where we all have to live. Sorry, but that’s how it is. If your kid gets bullied or just does something disappointing, it’s not because of bad parenting. It’s what happens in the world. Deal with the consequences, but don’t delude yourself into thinking you can smooth off all those rough edges.

We can’t hide our kids. Bad things can happen to kids, just like adults. Illness, accidents–even death befall kids. Everyone who dies is someone’s child, you know. Now, I realize this will step on toes, but even God won’t protect your kids from the world. What makes you think you can?

If something bad befalls your kids, it’s not your fault–unless you did it. The world is a tough place.

Again, do stuff. You won’t always do the best you can, but do stuff. Every little bit helps.

5. YOUR CHILDREN MUST BE YOUR NO. 1 PRIORITY

This is another lofty goal, but unrealistic for all but the truly deranged. Think about it. If your kids really are your Number 1 priority, that means they rank ahead of you; your spouse, faith and job; and everything else. If you have more than one child, you have to spread this maniacal devotion among multiple targets. That’s a tall order.

I’ve heard many people say “My children come first.” I doubt that’s true or even should be. For example, I have a job and need it to feed, clothe and shelter my kids. If I always put them before my job, I’ll soon be unemployed and spending ALL my time with them.

Are you married? If so, you might think about making your spouse a top priority. Here’s a radical thought for many: Sometimes, your spouse should be your top priority. If your kids rank ahead of your spouse, you probably have a fairly toxic relationship going on there. Good luck.

There’s also a fine line between prioritizing your kids and making them think they are the most important people on Earth. The latter is not good. Kids are already self-centered ego maniacs. They believe that the world exists for their entertainment. Reinforce that for them, and pretty soon you’ll have little monsters.

Try this for a more realistic ideal. Your kids should be a top priority. Keep them in mind. Just don’t let them choose the dinner menu or decide what time they go to bed or what the family watches on TV. Just pay some attention to them. My kids want my time–not all my time. Just some of it.

So, I can sum up all I know about parenting with this: Do stuff. Some of it will be really good and pay off. Some of it won’t. One day, your kids will have kids and know just as little you do. Then, they’ll think you’re a genius and may even seek your advice. Do stuff.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

0 Comments Leave a comment

Talking Pointers: Steps to Speaking Good

One of my first blog posts was my seminal piece on the art of small talk. Although no one will admit it, I believe that it has shaped a generation’s approach to mindless nattering with total strangers. Likewise, my tome on the keys to success swept the nation in the same sort of low-key manner. As the voice of my generation, I now offer simple steps to effective speaking.

As a lawyer, I speak in public. It neither thrills nor frightens me. It’s just what I have to do on occasion. Sometimes, I speak in court hearings and trials. Occasionally I deliver talks to attorneys or other unfortunates on such topics as legalizing child labor and the law of Internet pornography. Of course, I’m joking–those topics might actually fascinate some people. My topics are more obscure–even arcane. As a result, am I forced to spice up my presentations with such things as this clip for the classic film Road House. You might think that would be difficult to work in to a talk about coal mine safety, but I did it.

You may not have a good speaker voice. Don’t worry. I don’t, either. It’s not necessary to sound like Morgan Freeman. But, if you do, you don’t need any of these pointers. People will listen to you just to hear your voice. The rest of us need help.

What makes a good speaker? I’m not sure that I qualify as one, but I’ve heard some good ones in my time. Beyond my earlier observations on chit-chat, speaking takes many forms–both public and private. Over the years, I have become at least competent in my communication skills. Thus, I want to offer my suggestions and observations.

SPEAK CLEARLY

My wife accuses me of mumbling. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky where mumbling is an accepted form of communication, and I make no apologies for that. I would note that I believe my wife has significant hearing loss, perhaps from stress fractures to the delicate bones in her ears caused by cranial vibration induced by her own shrill screaming. That debate is best left for another forum. However, my father–who was almost completely deaf–always accused my mother of mumbling. So there. Where was I?

You want to speak with a loud, clear voice. If possible, speak louder than everyone else. In this way, you will be authoritative and sound like you are “in the know.” Here is an example:

THEM: I heard that [INSERT NAME OF POLITICIAN].…

YOU: HE’S A COMPLETE IDIOT!!!

By subtly insinuating yourself into the discussion, you have commandeered the conversation. Also, your insight will persuade others to join your “side” of the discussion. You come away looking knowledgeable while your unfortunate friend is branded a gadfly or even a simpleton.

This tip is vitally important if you encounter someone who doesn’t speak English. This can happen with no warning–unless you are a bigot engaged in racial profiling. Recently, at a fast food restaurant, I was approached by a young man who addressed me in a language that no sane person could understand. He may have been asking me a question. He could have been cursing God for all I know. I offered this response: “Do you speak English?” He misunderstood and prattled on. I then took control of the conversation by fairly yelling: “DO…YOU…SPEAK…ENGLISH?” He said “No” and walked away. There are two important lessons here: 1) It’s possible that people who don’t speak your native tongue may understand it if your scream it slowly; and 2) No one likes being yelled at, even in a foreign language.

Note, too, that yelling may even work with the deaf. Once, a man handed me a card which read: “I AM DEAF. NEED MONEY FOR FOOD.” I yelled: “SORRY. I CAN’T HELP YOU.” He pointed at his ears and walked away. See, it works.

Most importantly, you might know my wife. She doesn’t like mumbling. You know how she is.

CURSING

Whether it’s called cursing, swearing or potty mouth, foul language has long been condemned by skilled speakers. I once read that repeated cursing chops up one’s message rendering it nothing but a series of short, disconnected thoughts. Your larger message is lost.

To this advice, I say BULLSHIT! Many times, such language is all that can adequately deliver your message. More often, it can set the tone for your entire oratory. Here is an example. Let us suppose that you are asked to give a talk at your church. Naturally, you lack formal religious training. At best, you will make a fool of yourself. At worst, you will offend both the parishioners and God Himself. One approach would be to memorize a few scriptures and meditate upon them in prayer, asking for the right words. Good luck with that. Another approach is to immediately grab your listeners with an opening salvo along these lines:

LISTEN UP, YOU BUNCH OF MOTHER—-ERS!!

The congregation will be rocked by this forceful opening. They will immediately think “There must be a strong message from the Lord to follow.” You can then launch into a recklessly inaccurate sermon peppered with occasional obscenities that will hold the listener’s attention.

This approach works in casual conversation as well. Nothing will impress your friends more than your adroit use of all manner of filth. Let’s say you are in a conversation with someone far more educated than you. You make a casual comment about, say, the invention of the linotype machine, which you foolishly attribute to Grover Cleveland. Your friend says “Well, the linotype was actually invented by Ottmar Mergenthaler.” What do you do now? You could stare at your feet and excuse yourself from the conversation. Here is the better approach: Lock eyes with your friend and declare: “YOU, SIR, ARE GODDAMNED LIAR!!” (be sure to speak loudly as advised above). You have turned the tables on Mr. Know-It-All. Not only have you challenged his assertion, you have done so in a way that calls into question his credibility in general. Bystanders, unconcerned as they might be with the inanity of the topic, will view you as man with whom to be reckoned. You can bet that no one will take exception to you again in a public setting.

KNOW YOUR TOPIC

I can’t stress this one enough. No manner of loud swearing is an adequate substitute for knowing your subject matter. This is especially so if, like me, there are people who actually believe you know about certain things. If you have been in that unenviable position, you know it almost impossible to know enough about anything to intelligently speak for more than 5 minutes or so.

One approach is to research and carefully study your topic. Okay, that will work if you have no life and want to waste what precious time you have on the planet on such endeavors. Another approach is to pay someone who does know about the topic to prepare a PowerPoint presentation for you. Then, you can simply babble from slide to slide until your allotted time has been used up.

Another approach is to simply make up your talk from whole cloth. In the legal profession, this is especially effective. Usually, I speak at continuing legal education seminars where no one listens anyway. I can say anything! Almost no one listens, and the few who do don’t know anymore than I do. If someone asks me a question, I can either make up something or simply fire back “SHUT THE F— UP!”

The same pointers work in casual conversation. Ignorance has never shut anyone up as far as I know. As long as you talk incessantly, loudly and obscenely, you’re bound to say something close to accurate. Again, remember: Few people listen to you anyway. Thus, it’s never what you say that matters. It’s how you say it.

USE AN ACCENT

I have an accent. It’s Eastern Kentucky. Sadly, no matter what I say, to many people it sounds dumb. That’s because they think Eastern Kentuckians are dumb. You probably have an accent, too, unless you are from Nebraska or Kansas or some other accent-less part of the country. If you are a foreigner, you almost certainly have an accent, and it may be a really good one.

If you have a bad one, try another. British always works. Have you ever heard the BBC News? Everything sounds important. The moment the word “schedule” (SHED-yule) slides across your tongue, everything you say will sound authoritative. Consider Madonna. She is from Michigan but speaks with a British accent. How about eccentric actor Johnny Depp? Like me, he is from Kentucky, yet he has a vague, non-specific Euro accent. Neither of these marvelous entertainers is well-educated, but both sound erudite and informed. Isn’t that the whole point of speaking aloud?

There are many other accents available. Spanish, for example, sounds worldly and sophisticated. A word of caution–unless you master it, you may sound like Tony Montana and terrify the listener. This isn’t good unless that’s your goal. There are pluses and minuses of other accents:

Scottish: Kinda British but less understandable. You’ll sound friendly, if a tad odd.

Canadian: You’ll sound like a plain, white American, except you’ll say “aboot” instead of “about.” I’m not sure how that will help you.

Irish: Also possibly incomprehensible, plus the listener may believe you to be under the influence of strong drink. Has the plus side of being sort of funny.

German: You will sound commanding and more than a little frightening. Especially effective with curse words. If you actually speak the German language, everything sounds like cursing.

Russian: Extra terrifying. Great if you like to pretend to be spy.

Swedish: Goofy, but good if you don’t want the listener to understand you.

Australian: A rougher form of the British accent. You’ll sound less intelligent but considerably more dangerous.

Asian: Just avoid this one. The prospect of speaking stereotypical pidgin English is too great. Also, if you’re not, in fact, Asian, the listener will simply believe you are odd.

My accent is not always a drawback. The Eastern Kentucky accent adds just the right tone to such rejoinders as “I’ll whip your ass” or “What the hell are you looking at?” No Brit can deliver such messages with the same force.

GRAMMAR

Good grammar is good and important, at least according to my late mother. I don’t really know nothing about that, so I’ll move on.

USE THE RIGHT WORD

Some suggest using simple words. I guess this is good advice if you spend your time speaking to morons who are unlikely to understand anything you say anyway. I suggest using poorly understood words like sardonic, disaffected, nonplussed and irregardless. That way, you appear superior to the listener. Even if you don’t know what these words mean, use them anyway. No one else understands them, either.

You might say of an acquaintance: “Carl just don’t give a shit about nothing.” Admittedly, that’s an effective use of an expletive; however, consider this alternative: “Carl has a disaffected attitude about everything.” Have you praised or insulted Carl? It’s hard to say, isn’t it? The listener can be the judge.

Call someone obsequious or an opsimath. You can refer to this post as an amphigory. Accuse someone of being an irresponsible jackanapes. I like to call people wastrels, slugabeds and layabouts. Don’t bother looking up the definitions. Just use them.

The use of indecipherable language might seem counterintuitive. It is true that such use is unwise in the rare event that you want to be understood. If you want to make an impression, though, there is no better way than to talk like you’re smarter than everyone else. Do you want to be understood by complete idiots or by smart people?

CONCLUSION

Most of us have much to say but lack the skills to say it. Honing your verbal skills is the key to making yourself heard, if not understood. Now, go out there and talk to someone.

You may have found my advice inconsistent and even useless. If so, so be it. Better yet, JUST SHUT THE… . You get it.

0 Comments Leave a comment

Are You Mad? The Five Signs of Lunacy

If you’re anything like me, you occasionally wonder if you are going insane or, perhaps, are already there. “Insane” isn’t really the right word. That’s actually more of a legal term, requiring some sort of adjudication of your condition. Few of us will ever reach the point that such measures are necessary. Madness and lunacy are much better terms. Regardless of whether you call it madness, lunacy, bonkers or just plain crazy, we all think about it from time to time. (We don’t? Hmmm. Maybe it’s just me. That’s not good at all.)

In any event, I have identified certain markers of madness that may benefit others. These tell-tale signs should be used as warnings that we are close to veering off the path of the well-balanced into the median of lunacy.

I have had experience with all of these at various points in my life. In fact, I’ve had days where I’ve experienced them all. Those were not particularly good days, by the way.

I must qualify all of this by disclosing that I am NOT a mental health professional. Indeed, I have no medical or psychological training whatsoever. I am particularly unqualified to diagnose any condition or to offer any advice regarding appropriate treatment. So, should you actually be a lunatic, do not contact me for advice. In fact, don’t contact me at all. You could be dangerous, you know.

1. YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT

Have you ever thought that you are a very important person, a VIP as it were? Now, I’m not talking about being important to your family or friends. Don’t confuse this with being important to your dog, either. Your dog thinks you are the lead dog. If you think you are a dog, that’s another set of issues altogether.

I’m talking about general importance. Your opinions are important, for example. If people disagree with you, it is an outrage. They are fools, because you are always correct. Those who disagree with you are Communists, racists, homophobes, anarchists, ne’er do wells, welfare queens, robber barons or many other such disagreeable sorts, depending upon your particular view of the world. These people lack your intelligence and insight. They don’t know as much as you know. Not only are these people wrong, they–and the rest of us–MUST know your opinion on everything for you are important and must be heard.

Chances are that you are like most us and only want to listen to people with whom you agree. It’s likely–almost certain, in fact–that the only people who want to listen to you are those who share the same views as you. Everyone else doesn’t want to listen to it. Sorry, but that’s how it goes. If you can’t accept that, madness lurks just around the corner.

Have you ever had the urge to say “Don’t you know who I am?” I know I have. Sadly, I’ve even said if before–and not just to myself, either. Perhaps, if I were–say–George Clooney that would make some sense. But, if I were George Clooney people would actually know who I am, and I wouldn’t have to say it. Even thinking that is bad. Thinking it may be even worse, because you might believe people do know who you are when they really don’t. Then, you just walk around thinking that you shouldn’t have to stand in lines or wait in traffic or pay your bills or wear pants. Maybe, we all should say it out loud every now and then just to be reminded that they don’t know who we are and don’t care.

2. YOUR JOB IS REALLY IMPORTANT

This could be a subset of the first sign above. Your job may actually be important. If you’re a firefighter, cop, oncologist or teacher you certainly have an important occupation. People depend on you. That is a good thing. Don’t confuse that with your job making you important.

I am a lawyer. I think that’s an important job. My clients depend on me to get them the results they want. Each case I handle is extremely important to those folks. Many people don’t think much of lawyers. We rank slightly above crack dealers and slightly below pimps in the public’s view. Used car dealers and insurance salesman are viewed largely the same. Yet, we all think we’re important. The painful truth is that a lot of people can do our jobs just as well–and even better–than we do.

Mathematician/Philosopher and all-round know-it-all Bertrand Russell once said that one of the signs of an impending nervous breakdown is the belief that your job is extremely important. He was a lot smarter than I am, but I’m not sure that’s correct. What I am sure of is that the belief that ME doing that job is extremely important is a bad sign.

I’m not irreplaceable. Neither are you. If you think you are, try this: Go in to your place of business and quit. I did that once. Guess what? They were fine without me. Someone else started doing the stuff I had been doing, and everything continued on as usual.

I’ve worked with people who died unexpectedly. People were really upset, some because they were human beings and others because death disrupts the workplace, what with the grieving and funerals and what have you. Soon, though, we were trying to figure out who would get the deceased’s furniture or office. Some of us were concerned that we might have to do more work.

So, the reality is that if you die at work, someone gets your credenza. That’s it.

3. YOU HEAR STUFF

We all know that hearing things can be a bad sign. Auditory hallucinations cause much trouble in the world. Rarely do we read of “voices” saying things like “Have a good day” or “Be nice to someone.” Usually, it’s stuff like “Eat that dog” or “Wear her skin as a vest.” These voices–at least I’ve been told–seem real, so we do as they command. If you’ve got that going on, for God’s sake, do something about it.

There is other stuff you can hear. God, for example. I’m not talking about something like a friend saying “God spoke to my heart.” That’s a kind of metaphorical observation that means “I got this feeling.” We’ve all had that. I mean God actually talking and you possibly talking back. Think of it like this: God went silent late in the Old Testament. Why would He start talking to you? If it’s because you are really important, re-read my comments above.

Maybe the radio talks to you. If you’re driving down the road screaming at Sean Hannity, that’s a problem. He can’t hear you. Perhaps you think 1970’s singer Dan Hill is crooning to you when you hear Sometimes When We Touch on the Oldies station. He isn’t. I used to think Olivia Newton-John was singing to me. I don’t think that anymore, unless I’m watching Grease.

You may have pets. You may love your pets more than any human. Good for you, but they don’t talk. Even if you talk to them in exaggerated baby talk that would embarrass any self-respecting infant, your dog or cat isn’t talking back. If they do, just Google “Son of Sam” and stay far away from me.

Oh, don’t confuse this with seeing things. There many benign explanations for this phenomenon–strong drink, drugs, poor lighting, etc. Don’t worry about this unless the things you see start talking to you.

4. YOU DON’T TAKE YOUR MEDICATION

There’s nothing wrong with medication, assuming it’s prescribed and you need it. Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Zoloft and the like have done a world of good by altering troubling brain chemistry. If you stop taking it, though, we have a problem. This is especially true if you’re taking any sort of anti-psychotic medication.

When people start feeling better, they don’t want to take their medication anymore. They are, in their dysfunctional minds, “cured.” Here’s what you should do: The day you stop taking your medication, note that this is the day you start down the road to full-blown lunacy. You might even want to mark it on your calendar.

5. YOU BELIEVE IN CONSPIRACIES

We don’t need to belabor this point. Suffice to say that if you believe in any vast conspiracy that has remained secret for many years, you are not firing on all cylinders. Here is a just sampling of topics about which you may believe a conspiracy exists:

The moon landing
9-11
Marilyn Monroe’s death
Elvis Presley’s death
Bob Denver’s death
The Kennedy Assassination
Barack Obama’s birthplace
The firing of the original Darren on Bewitched
Anything involving a “New World Order”
Area 51
Communists
Big Foot
Yeti
The Knicks winning the 1985 NBA Draft Lottery

This list could be 10 times longer, but we’ll stop for brevity’s sake. There may be conspiracies peculiar to your own circumstances. For instance, your child may do poorly in school. You may believe that this is a result of teachers, administrators and fellow students conspiring against your child. Consider that your child may not be very bright or could be down right lazy. It happens.

Try this. Go out and see if you can line up 10 people you know for or against anything. It ain’t easy. Imagine now that you were wanting to kill someone with their help. Not likely.

Just repeat to yourself each day: There are no conspiracies. If you hear a voice repeating it back to you, well, you know.

CONCLUSION

These are the five markers of madness. You’ll notice that I didn’t delve into actual mental illnesses such as bipolar disease, schizophrenia, depression and the like. Again, I have no medical training. These specific diagnoses are best left to the professionals or you can easily diagnose yourself by searching on the Internet for your particular symptoms. Here is an educational video to help you better understand such diseases of the mind.

There is good news. Any one of these peculiarities, standing alone, is likely no more than a sign that you are weird or–if you are wealthy–eccentric. Two or more, sadly, point directly to crippling lunacy. You may be fortunate and become pleasantly mad–like many town characters throughout our great land.

It’s time to stop–at least that’s what the voices are telling me. You know how pushy they can be.

1 Comment Leave a comment

My High School Commencement Address

It’s graduation time, that time of year when we celebrate our young people moving from high school into the adult world. It causes me to ponder what advice I can give to these young people as they enter the world. They aren’t much different from newborn infants. They are about to be thrown into a world where you learn as you go.

As a little background, I graduated from high school in 1980 from James A. Cawood High School in Harlan County, Kentucky. It was the first consolidated high school in Harlan County. It also no longer exists. Who was James A. Cawood? He was the long-time Superintendent of Schools in Harlan County. When they consolidated Hall, Wallins and Loyall High Schools, he decided that James A. Cawood was a good name for the school.

When I graduated, I did not give the commencement address–mostly because I was not asked to do so. Okay, that’s entirely the reason. I think I was in the top 10 of my graduating class, because I looked like this:

The gown covers my suit which was 110% polyester, in keeping with the times.

My brother–four years older and much smarter than I–gave the Valedictory address when he graduated. That’s because he was the Valedictorian, which I wasn’t. Our Valedictorian and Salutatorian both spoke, as I recall. I’m sure they did a fine job, just as my brother had done. I don’t recall anything they said, but they were all quite bright, and I’m sure they said nothing inflammatory.

It’s just as well that I didn’t speak. First, I hadn’t spoken in public since the 1st grade when I read Psalms 100 at church. I’m sure I would have been terrified. Second, I was only 17 years old. I would have had nothing useful to impart to my fellow graduates.

I knew just as much about life at 6 years old as I did at 17.

I’m over 50 years old now with a veritable life time of experience behind me. I’ve made decisions–good and bad. I’ve done impressive things and baffling, hideous things. Now, it is my time. So, I offer my services.

Here is my commencement speech:

Good [morning/afternoon/evening]. I am pleased to have the opportunity to address the graduating class of [INSERT SCHOOL NAME] High School. I am over half a century old. This means two things: One, I am much older than all of you–hopefully. Two, I know more about everything than you do. Regardless of your experiences, I know more and have done more. Any story you can tell, I can top it, unless it involves farm animals and dwarves. Even then, let me hear the story, and I’ll be the judge of whether I can top it.

You are now high school graduates, along with tens–if not hundreds–of thousands of other people doing the same thing this year. I am not impressed. Indeed, it would likely take more effort to not graduate than it would to sit in your seats. Assuming he didn’t drop out, a fairly bright chimp could achieve the same thing.

Of course, some of you are impressive people. Let’s take the ones who come from dreadful families. You know who you are. Your parents don’t care about your academics or your social life or your behavior in general. Perhaps they are even abusive. That you have overcome this is impressive. Any achievement should be embraced. To you, I say this: Leave those people behind. You owe them nothing. Do not be shamed into believing that you are indebted to people to whom you are connected by nothing more than biological accident. These people will be millstones hanging around your neck. Cast them off. I am not suggesting that you sever all ties, unless that is necessary. That they fed and clothed you creates no obligation. They were supposed to do that. Take a long look at these people. You can and must do better.

There are also those of you who excelled academically. You, too, are impressive. Regardless of your course of study, that takes hard work. Hard work is good. You have the chance to go to college and excel, because you know the value of hard work in school. You may have the chance to go to any college you wish. Good for you. Here’s a suggestion: If your family can afford to send you to college, by all means choose the very best school. If, however, attending the college of your choice means saddling yourself with debt to pay for it, carefully consider your choice. You might paying that loan back when you’re my age. That’s a bad plan.

A rare few of you may have been born into money and have no concerns about your future. I don’t begrudge you that good fortune. Just do us all a favor and don’t pretend it’s an accomplishment. Do something with your life. Warren Buffett’s children are productive. You can be, too.

Some of you just barely got here today. You did the minimum to get your diploma. The good news is that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I’ve known people who were poor high school students and did quite well in life. Notice that I didn’t say that I’ve known many people like that.

Even some of you laggards and wastrels will go to college. That is good. I’ve never known anyone who didn’t benefit from at least trying to go to college. Here is the catch: If you apply yourself in the same sorry-ass way you did in high school, it will likely be a short stay in college. Then, it’s into the work force you go.

Perhaps you have no desire to go to college and you plan to join the nation’s work force now. To you, I say: Good luck with that. Your diploma qualifies you for a vast array of minimum wage jobs. The minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. Assuming you work a 2000 hour year, you’ll make $14,500. That’s not much money. Oh, and it won’t be a fun job or even a good job. You’ll be easily replaced. Don’t think about buying a house or a nice car or much of anything else. You’ll need a room-mate to help with your rent.

Understand, too, that college isn’t for everyone. Whether you lack the drive, motivation or old-fashioned brain power, you may not be college material. There’s nothing wrong with that but be realistic. For example, there aren’t high-paying jobs for video game players. Under no circumstances should your career plans include mooching off your parents. You’ve wanted to be an adult and have your freedom. Your time has arrived.

When I graduated from high school, some people–all young men in those days–considered the military an option. Often, they had good reasons for this choice, an admirable one if there ever was. A few, however, thought of it as just a better option than work. They were wrong. People in the military take it seriously. Nowadays, they would be extra wrong. Our military is in a constant state of war now. The folks who run things take that very seriously. You should, too.

You may have already derailed your life with bad choices–drugs, alcohol, pregnancy and the like. You can overcome these bad choices, but it won’t be easy. You’ve dug yourself a nice hole. You have a choice now–try to get out of the hole or decorate it and make yourself at home. One thing you can’t do is spend any time blaming other people. Your parents may be vile. It’s almost certain that your friends are. Maybe you are, too. Perhaps people have treated you unfairly. You are now an adult, and here is one hard, cold fact: No one cares about any of that. From now on, you are 100% responsible for your actions. Act like it.

What of those of you who are the outcasts? You’ve spent your high school years as a non-conformist. You don’t do things the way others do, and you don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. The world doesn’t work like that. If your face is covered in hardware or you’ve tattooed your neck, that goes over even worse in the real world. The real world seeks normalcy. If you are abnormal, it’s a problem. I’m not suggesting that you kowtow to people, but use some judgment. If you really don’t care what anyone else thinks, you’re probably going to be treated accordingly. Be sure you’re okay with that.

A small number of you are the nerds, the bookish sorts for whom high school might not have been much fun. Take heart. You will sign the paychecks of many of your classmates. That, my friends, is sweet revenge at its finest.

All you need to know can be summed up in a few points. Write them down, for you shall refer to them often throughout your life:

Life is not fair. It is random. Fairness is not random.
Don’t underestimate good luck. You’ll need a dose of it every now and then.
You are not judged on merit alone. How you look, act, dress, speak and carry yourself matter. Again, it’s not fair.
If you are the type who won’t follow rules, life from this point forward will become increasingly difficult.
Money is good, but once you have your necessities covered and a few toys, it doesn’t make much difference in the quality of your life.
Bad things will happen to you, many of which will not be your fault.
No one you know will live forever, including you.
If you are the same person 20 years from now that you are at this moment, you have done something wrong. Grow up.
Learning from your mistakes is natural, but it is not the best way to learn. The best way is to learn from observing other people make mistakes.
Play to your strengths. You are good at some–maybe many–things. Find out what they are, and do them.

I should now tell you that the world is your oyster and you can do anything you want, but that would be a lie. You can’t do anything you want, but you can do some things you want and many things that you must do. You will do some of them well and fail miserably at others. That, my young friends, is life and life is good–not easy but good.

Finally, you have spent the past few years believing you know more than you do. You are about to find out all the things you don’t know. One day soon, you will be 50, too, and you will fear that you must depend on the next generation. You will hate their music, their clothes, their attitudes, the way they talk and even the way they look. Take heart, though, somehow it always works out.

Before you depart, take a good look around at your classmates. I leave you with these words from the late Kurt Vonnegut: “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”

2 Comments Leave a comment

Coal Troll's Blog

Advice

Bad Interviews: A Guide For Aspiring Lawyers

Hands Off: A Touchy Subject

Fast Food Follies: A Brief Personal History

Five Parenting Myths–or Lies (According to Me)

Talking Pointers: Steps to Speaking Good

Are You Mad? The Five Signs of Lunacy

My High School Commencement Address