Wildcats and Cardinals: Can’t We All Just Get Along?

If you’ve read this curious blog of mine, you know that I am an unabashed fan of University of Kentucky athletics, especially basketball. I hold it too high esteem, and I make no apologies for that. As a UK fan, I am now faced with one of our periodic conundrums of a bitter rival winning the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. In this case, it’s the University of Louisville.

I began writing this before Louisville beat Michigan, but I thought it better to wait a few days to finish. During the title game I found myself pulling for Louisville, yet disturbed when they won. A few days’ decompression has allowed me objectivity of a sort. Otherwise, this could have devolved into a pathetic rant fit only for a therapist to read. Now, let’s continue.

For the uninformed, UK and U of L are easily the two largest university in the great Commonwealth of Kentucky. The schools are similar with excellent professional schools. U of L, situated as it is in the city of Louisville, has an urban flare while UK has a more college town feel to it. Basketball, though, is where the schools are most similar. Both programs have been wildly successful and are money-making machines.

For the uniformed, you need to know a few things. Louisville is pronounced “Lou-a-vull.” Call it “Louie-ville” and you’re immediately exposed as an imposter. Also, it’s “U of L,” not “UL.” Kentucky is “UK”–never, ever “U of K.” Should you call it “KU,” just leave our state. We UK fans arrogantly call ourselves Big Blue Nation or BBN, for short. I have no idea what U of L fans call themselves.

We like to point out that UK has won EIGHT titles to U of L’s measly three. Truth be told, UK and U of L have each won three since 1980. Both have also had other Final Four appearances during that time. There have also been ups and downs for each program. U of L can claim to be the steadier of the two, having had only two coaches in the past 40 years. During that same period–coinciding with the retirement of Adolph Rupp–UK has had six coaches. Fans on both sides can debate these points until the listener is embarrassed to belong to either camp. Of such things, I suppose, are rivalries built.

I’ve always struggled with the U of L rivalry, because during my formative years as a fan I didn’t hate U of L. They were like any other state school. I pulled for them unless they played UK, which they never did. In fact, I had more bitter feelings toward Western Kentucky University, which had blown my beloved Cats out of the NCAA Tournament in 1971. Such players as Wesley Cox, Rick Wilson and Junior Bridgeman played at U of L, and I thought of them as Kentuckians, too. My hatred was reserved for Indiana University and the University of Tennessee in those days.

U of L won its first NCAA title in 1980 beating UCLA. I remember cheering for U of L. It had only been five years since UCLA’s last title (beating my Cats, no less), and I couldn’t stomach the idea of them winning yet another title. Plus, Darrell Griffith played for U of L. He was a Kentuckian, and easily the best player in college basketball. I liked him.

Then, it happened. Suddenly, U of L was exalted as THE best team in Kentucky, better than UK. One might say that was sensible, given that they had just won the title. UK, however, had won the title just two years previously, to go with the FOUR other titles won by Coach Rupp. We chafed at the notion that U of L was now better.

The drum beats started for UK and U of L to play. Nimrods in our state legislature proposed a LAW requiring it. This took priority over such things as our state’s crippling poverty and inadequate schools. Although no law was passed, the demands for a “dream” game continued unabated. (As an aside, playing UK is only important to our other state schools when they actually have a chance to win the game. It seems much less important if a beating is in the offing.)

Of course, it eventually happened but not in the regular season. In the 1983 NCAA Tournament, the Cats and the Cards met, and the Cards won 80-68. That game has taken on such mythical status that U of L fans now describe it as a thorough pummeling. That it was an excellent, thrilling OVERTIME game is largely forgotten. Also forgotten is that UK beat the Cards TWICE the next season–once in the regular season and again in the tournament. Oh well.

The remainder of the 1980’s consisted of U of L fans declaring their superiority much like UK fans typically do. Then, it happened again. The damn Cards won the title in 1986! By then, my ambivalence toward U of L had been replaced by jealously and seething hatred. I was in law school at UK (where I had also earned my undergraduate degree) and at the height of my irrational fandom. My only hesitancy is that I couldn’t help but like U of L head coach Denny Crum. He was an excellent coach and seemed like a good guy.

I guess I should also point out that the Cats CRUSHED the Cards 85-51 during that championship season. Freshman Rex Chapman–who spurned U of L for UK–lit them up for 26 points. While U of L fans probably wore their championship regalia, we had t-shirts that said: “CATS 85, NATIONAL CHAMPS 51.”

During this time, UK’s coach was Eddie Sutton. Besides crippling NCAA probation, Coach Sutton made one unforgettable contribution to UK lore. He is the one who coined the term “little brother” in reference to U of L. It stuck. For that, we thank him.

After ’86, U of L began a gradual slide into mediocrity while the arrival of Rick Pitino as head coach in 1989 pushed UK back to the top. Pitino won the title in 1996 and was runner-up in ’97. Then, he made his ill-fated departure to the Boston Celtics. UK didn’t miss a beat, winning the title again in ’98 under Tubby Smith.

Of course, Pitino famously returned to the Bluegrass State in 2001, at LOUISVILLE, re-stoking the hatred, at least of him. Oddly, though it wasn’t until 2012 that either program won another title. Now, we have them back-to-back, and IT IS ON again. I, for one, am glad to see it, but there are legitimate concerns about keeping the peace in our fair commonwealth.

With the rivalry white-hot again, our state is torn asunder. Well, not really. Most Kentuckians are UK fans. By “most,” I mean virtually everyone. We do have some risk of driving a wedge between our largest city, Louisville, and the rest of the state. Of course, we already don’t think of Louisville as being part of Kentucky. It might be in Indiana or even Ohio for all we know. Regardless, we should make an effort to get along now. Both fan bases have recent success to embrace.

The main problem is that the fan bases hate each other. We Kentucky fans think of the U of L faithful as chinstrapped, knuckle-dragging, troglodytes whose penchant for angry, drunken rages is exceeded only by their desire to fight. The U of L crowd views us as pompous, self-important, egotists who insist that the Cats are always the best, regardless of overwhelming contrary evidence. Both crowds are right, of course. How, though, can we bridge the gap and allow each to enjoy its own success?

First, we should embrace the commonalities of our two cultures:

Both universities are in Kentucky, although–as noted above–U of L’s exact location is unknown.
U of L’s mascot is the cardinal, Kentucky’s official state bird. UK’s is the wildcat, the official state woodland beast of Kentucky.
Each school prefers a truncated version of its nickname–Cats and Cards, as opposed to Wildcats and Cardinals.
Each logo bears a fierce caricature of its mascot. Even the most die-hard Card fan must admit there is only so much that can be done to make a cardinal frightening. They’ve done the best they can with it.

A fearsome wildcat prepares to maul the on-looker.

An ill-tempered cardinal preparing to chirp an opponent into submission.

Rick Pitino returned both schools to prominence.
Neither school is Duke.
Both schools hate Indiana University.
U of L is in Jefferson County, home to the most Cards fans AND UK fans.
Both fan bases are excellent at producing insulting or angry t-shirts:

Some are busy and require study.

Others are simple and to the point.

Basketball is the most prominent feature of both universities, rather than some haughty, egg-headed academic program.

Based on this common ground, I propose we move forward, if not together, then certainly without the animus which has marked our past association. Toward that end, I offer several suggestions to my fellow UK fans to smooth the waters:

Let us avoid calling U of L “little brother” or posting any memes like this one:

Do not continue to point out that EIGHT NCAA titles are far superior to THREE. This will only antagonize them, plus it requires them to do rudimentary math.
Under no circumstances should we write poorly constructed limericks like this one:

There once was a coach named Rick

His style was flashy and slick

One night after dinner

He met a real winner

Now they call him Coach Rick the Quick

Do not point out that Pitino has referred to UK as the “Roman Empire” of basketball and “Camelot.”
Do not emphasize that UK has won more basketball games than any college team ever. Ever. In the history of mankind. Ever.
It is petty to continually note that UK has won 7 of the last 10 meetings between the two schools.
It is even more petty to point out that UK is 21-12 in the series since 1983.
Do not mention that UK won its third NCAA title before Rick Pitino was born.
Do not magnanimously congratulate U of L fans on their big win. Nothing infuriates them more than UK fans patronizing them with insincere praise.

Any of these actions will just make matters worse. The U of L fan will foam at the mouth and start pointing to football, baseball, women’s basketball and softball as proof of Louisville’s superiority. You, then, might start raving about cheer-leading and the rifle team. Inevitably, the U of L fan will want to fight you. (Trust me on this one. It always happens). You both may then inexplicably hurl homophobic slurs at each other. Nothing good will come of this.

The last time I encountered a Louisville fan, we had a dust-up over his sitting in my seat. Nevertheless, I’m pleased to report that my personal animus has receded to the point that I actually wanted U of L to beat Michigan. As I have aged, my self-esteem is longer wholly dependent on whether a group of strangers wins ball games. Family and friends are now more important. Of course, my beloved Cats are family, and the Cats have the Number 1 recruiting class next year–perhaps the best class EVER. You better button down those chin straps. See you next season.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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No Joke: I’m the Man for U.K. Football

My good friend, Roger, and I sat through the entire, sorry University of Kentucky/Western Kentucky University football game last night. It was just another of many inexplicable UK losses we’ve watched over the years. UK football games are like watching Old Yeller. You know how it ends. You know you’ll be sad, but you watch it anyway.

Inspiration is the bastard child of bitter defeat. No one ever said that. I just made it up, but feel free to quote me. After the game, we were bemoaning the loss–on a trick-play, two point conversion that a high school team could have stopped. Of course, we need a new coach. Except for a few random seasons, that’s pretty much the constant state of affairs for our beloved Wildcats.

My optimism for this season was short-lived. Coach Joker Phillips has jumped from the hot seat into the cauldron. A coaching changes seems inevitable now, as does a two win season.

Our first thought was to go contrarian and hire the worst coach we can find. Maybe Bobby Hauck at UNLV (4-21 in his first two seasons). How about Indiana’s coach, Kevin Wilson? He went 1-11 in his first season. Just hire the worst we can find and accept our fate. Then, Roger had inspired thought: Why not hire someone who’s NEVER coached football on any level?

He suggested hiring himself, which is just foolish. He lives in another state. It would be very inconvenient. I, on the other hand, live right here in Lexington. I officially declare myself a candidate. Not only a candidate. The only candidate.

QUALIFICATIONS

Except for some limited experience in my backyard, I’ve never played football. I never even seriously considered it. I was too small, and I don’t like getting hit. I also don’t like getting dirty. This is an advantage. Many great athletes make poor coaches because they don’t understand why their players can’t perform at a high level. This won’t be a problem for me. Almost anyone would be a better athlete than I ever was. I’ll be impressed by pretty much everything.

I’m 50 years old. That’s the prime of the my professional life. After 25 years practicing law, I’m ready for a new challenge. Bring it on.

I’ve watched a lot of football. I mean A LOT. College, NFL, Arena League–even Canadian Football. I even watched the XFL. According to the radio call-in shows, watching football makes one an excellent football coach. I’ve also played a lot of Madden Football. Hundreds, if not thousands, of games. I’m a good strategist.

I’m also a UK alum–two times, in fact. Add to that my 40 year allegiance to the football program, and I bring an every man quality to the job that other candidates lack. I remember all the bitter defeats. I’ll cry and carry on after every loss just like a fan, because that’s what I am. In fact, I’ll call for my own firing if we lose. Fans will love me.

CONTRACT

My contract will be simple. Here are my terms:

$500,000 base salary–easily the lowest in the Southeastern Conference.
$100,000 bonus for each win. I’ll guarantee you that I’ll do anything to win if I get 100 large.
Discretion to hire my friends as assistant coaches.
Two days a week off. I’m used to working 5 days a week. I can’t really change that at my age.
A provision that excuses me for NCAA violations. As a low-paid coach, I can’t be expected to learn all that legal mumbo jumbo.
No long-term deal or buyout needed. If you want to fire me, do it. I don’t care.

We’ll have this deal wrapped up in about 15 minutes.

RECRUITING

You probably think I can’t recruit. Oh, how wrong you are on that one. First, I’ll completely ignore the NCAA rules and be open about it. We know that all coaches operate in the gray areas of the rules, anyway. I’ll head straight to the black area. You want a car? You got it. Cash? Sure. A house? You’ll have to be pretty damn good for that, but it’s doable. Now, if I give you this stuff and you suck, I want it back. That’ll be some good incentive.

The best part is that my lack of coaching skill will be a selling point. The first thing I’ll do is ask some recruiting nerd to identify the best quarterback in the country. Then, I’ll go to his house. Here’s my recruiting pitch:

Okay, son, here’s the deal. If you want to be the best quarterback in the country, UK is your school. Why? Because you’ll call every play we run. All of them. Why? Because I don’t know a damn thing about football. You can throw it every down if you want. Trick plays, everyone out for a pass. I won’t give a shit. And don’t worry about that headset I wear. It’s hooked to my iPod. If you want a nanny to wipe your nose or someone to treat you like an idiot, go to one of these “power” schools. I’ll admit that UK isn’t for everyone, but you’ve got what it takes. Want a car?

We’ll have so many quarterbacks, I wouldn’t know what do with them even if I actually did know what I was doing. If I need an offense lineman, here’s the pitch:

ME: How much you weigh?

PLAYER: About 260, sir.

ME: If you can put on 100 pounds, we want you.

PLAYER: Sir, I’m willing to work hard in the weight room.

ME: Weeeellll, that’s one way, I guess. Really, if you can just eat like a pig that will work, too. We want the biggest players we can get. I don’t care if they’re fat. I want the offensive line to average 350–or even bigger. We don’t really waste a lot of time on things like “technique” and weird blocking schemes. We’re going for bulk. Want a car?

What kid could resist that? A full scholarship and permission to eat like a horse. Plus, a car. They’ll line up.

COACHING

I don’t have the patience to deal with a bunch of know-it-all so-called football “coaches.” Besides, we’ve had entire staffs full of these guys and still suck. I’ll hire whomever I want.

I won’t have offensive or defensive coordinators. That’s too complicated. The quarterback will call all the plays. On defense, they can just line up however they want. As far as I know, there aren’t any illegal defensive formations. 10 linemen? Let’s give it a shot. Blitz on every play? Why not? I’ll have only one defensive play: TACKLE THE GUY WITH THE DAMN BALL! How you do that is up to you. I need self-starters–not a bunch of mama’s boys who expect me to figure out everything for them.

There is one play I will run–the strongside toss/stiff arm. Years ago, Roger and I were both quite good at EA Sports NCAA Football. At the time, Anthony White was UK’s tailback. In my games, the toss to White to the strongside always resulted in large gains because of his crippling stiff-arm. If I recall correctly, Roger once rushed for 700 yards in a game using that play. It’s all in the timing. I may even bring Anthony in to teach it or I can just show it on a video game.

One thing won’t do is punt, except on first down sometimes. Then, it will be a quick kick by the quarterback designed to stun the defense and to put up ridiculously long punting yardage averages.

I also won’t waste a lot of time on practice. Our teams have practiced and practiced over the years and have almost nothing to show for it. Here’s what we’ll do. All the big guys will hit each other. All the fast guys will have balls thrown or handed to them. All the white guys will practice kicking. After a couple of hours of that, we’ll talk about our next opponent to see if anyone has seen them play and has suggestions. That’s it. Oh, and all the practices are open to the media and fans, even to opposing coaches. I’ve got nothing to hide, plus someone might have some ideas.

I won’t be a disciplinarian. I have three children whom I dearly love. I’ve not been much of disciplinarian with them. I can hardly be expected to be one with someone else’s kids. In fact, I won’t really care what they do. They can smoke and drink if they want. During games. We’ve played many games over the years where our players (and coaches) appeared to be drunk. Why not give it a real shot and see what happens? Imagine the shock if a huge Alabama defensive tackle lines up and sees our lineman dragging on a Marlboro. We’ll win the psychological war before the ball is even snapped.

I do expect some effort in class. Just enough to stay eligible will be fine. I don’t want a bunch of eggheads who think they’re better than I am.

MEDIA/FAN RELATIONS

This may be my one weak point. I am overly sensitive to criticism, especially when it is valid. One might also say that I’m volatile and dangerously so on occasion. I am subject to unprovoked fits of pique. I tend to hold grudges over both real and imagined slights. I will need tamp down these and other psychological problems. To build strong media and fan relationships, I will do the following:

In an effort to stay in a good mood, I will never watch game film. If we’ve won, I’ve obviously done a good job and don’t need to do anything else. If we’ve lost, I’ll just get depressed if I see what our next opponent looks like. Obviously, as a fan, I’d never watch any of our own defeats. Why subject myself to that?
Personally recruit the greatest flautist in the country to prance about the field playing the entire Jethro Tull catalogue at each game. Aqualung will become our fight song.
Take my medication.
Engage the fans by asking for play calls via Twitter during the games.
Insist on being introduced as the head coach of the “Greatest Program in the History of College Football.”
Have Nike make an array of garish uniforms. Each player can wear whatever he wants each game.
Punch Steve Spurrier in the throat.
End our decades long losing streak to Florida by constant prayer that their entire team be stricken with a non-serious disease that will debilitate them for only 3-4 hours.
IF we lose a game, I will start my post-game press conference by saying: “We meant to lose.”
Buy O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy and then claim that I won it.

These are but a few of the things which come to mind. Mostly, I’ll try to be like the fan I am. If we lose, I will call-in to radio shows and demand my own firing. I’ll tailgate before and even during games. I’ll treat the media with disdain by calling them “ink-stained wretches” or I’ll kiss up to them depending on my many moods. I’ll call our fans the greatest in all the world until I get booed. Then, I will consistently refer to them as a bunch of miserable jackasses spoiled by success. I promise that it won’t be boring.

RESULTS

I predict great things. I’m certain I can win two games or so a season, which will make me quite successful by UK standards. Even if the heat is on, I’ll get 4 or 5 years to implement my system. By then, I’ll have knocked down a boatload of money anyway.

If things get really bad, I’ll wreck a motorcycle or start betting on games or coach a game naked or something that will make it easy to get rid of me. Then, I’ll get a gig at ESPN as a football expert–the last bastion of washed out coaches.

Even if we only eke out one more win this year (I hope Samford is REALLY bad), we all have something to look forward to now. Go Cats!

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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The Go Big Blues

I am an unabashed fan of University of Kentucky football. I’m not the only one, either. There are a bunch of us. I have been a fan for 40 years. The Cats’ record during that span? 193 wins, 250 losses, 5 ties. Our most successful coach, Fran Curci, won a whopping 48% of his games.

I date my fandom to the beginning of the Fran Curci Era in 1973. Prior that, all I knew was that John Ray was a terrible coach (according to my Dad). Dad talked a lot about the Cats winning the Sugar Bowl in 1950. Kentucky fans still talk about that. It’s our high water mark.

All of mankind knows UK won 13-7. This was a mere 60 years ago.

Curci got us to 10-1 in 1977. We beat Penn State and finished 6th in the polls (somehow Penn State was 5th). Oh, we didn’t play in a bowl game. Probation. Such are the fortunes of UK football.

The hiring of Fran Curci ushered in a golden era of Kentucky football which saw us win almost half our games.

It’s 2012, and we’ve never gotten back to those halcyon days. We won 9 games one year and 8 several times. We’ve been to a few bowl games but never really challenged on the national stage. In fact, we’ve never really challenged in our own conference, the formidable SEC.

Historically, UK fans have been optimistic to the point of delusion. I have a friend who looks at the schedule every year and sees 9 wins. I haven’t talked to him about this season, but he’ll probably give me this assessment:

Louisville: Of course, we’ll beat them.
Samford, Kent State, Western Kentucky: Win, win, win. 4-0.
Florida: They’re down and we’re due, having lost 26 in a row. 5-0.
Vanderbilt: We always beat them (This isn’t true, but UK fans believe it).
Tennessee: They’re down, too. Plus, we broke our long losing streak against them last year. We own them now. That’s 7 wins.
Mississippi State: Should have beat them last year. We’ve got them. 8 wins.
Georgia: We always play them tough (not true, either). Probably a loss, but it will be close.
Missouri: Don’t know much about them, but we have a shot.
South Carolina: This one is probably a loss.
Arkansas: they’ll be in chaos. We have a shot.
There you go. At least 9 wins.

This season is different. The old blind optimism is gone. Gloom and doom prevail. I haven’t gotten my friend’s predictions, yet, but he probably only sees 6 wins. Most fans see 3 wins, 4 if we’re lucky. Last year, we went 5-7–a fairly typical record for UK football. In the past, such a record would be considered a launching pad for greatness. Not now. Why?

I guess I should tell you that I’ve never been one of the optimists. Generally, I’ve seen every season as holding the potential for 6 or so wins if things go well and 2 or 3 if we don’t get some breaks. I feel better about this season for some reason. My friend and fellow blogger, Meisterblogger, posted an excellent piece on this optimism. I agree with each of his points. If he and I are optimistic, things must be getting better.

Big Blue Nation disagrees. Season ticket sales are down–way down. The call-in shows (as our former coach Bill Curry once said, “The Fellowship of the Miserable”) are consistently predicting 3 or 4 wins. A coach change looms. With the addition of Texas A&M and Missouri to the SEC, years of cellar-dwelling are a virtual certainty. Our fan base has had a go to pieces.

Much like addicts, UK fans have hit bottom. The reality of their situation is inescapable. They have given up hope. Why?

THE COACHING CONUNDRUM

For the uninitiated, our coach is Joe “Joker” Phillips. Joker is a Kentucky native. He played at UK. He was an assistant coach at UK for many years. He’s charming. He’s the prototype of what we should want. In two seasons at UK, his record is 11 and 14, making him one of the most successful UK head men in recent memory. Nevertheless, after two seasons, he’s almost universally disliked. The most common description of Joker starts like this: “Joker is a nice guy and I really hope he does well, but…..” Then comes a scathing critique.

Joker Phillips, “a nice guy, but…..”

Miami University in Ohio trumpets itself as the Cradle of Coaches because of its history of producing football coaches. UK, on the other hand, can legitimately lay claim to being the Graveyard of Coaches. Here is what happened with our coaches in the last 40 years:

Fran Curci: Never coached again.
Jerry Claiborne: Ditto.
Bill Curry: Didn’t coach again for many years until a brief return to start the program at Georgia State.
Hal Mumme: He’s had a couple of head jobs but seems destined to slide back to obscurity.
Guy Morriss: He left UK for Baylor where he lasted 4 seasons.
Rich Brooks: Retired.

The last UK coaches to go on to great success were Bear Bryant and Blanton Collier, both of whom left UK over 50 years ago. The next two–Charlie Bradshaw and John Ray–also never had head coaching jobs again. UK isn’t the job you want if you have greater aspirations.

“CAN’T YOU PLAY BETTER?” UK fans have sunk lower than the Bill Curry Era.

We’ve tried everything with our coaches. John Ray was a hot-shot assistant at Notre Dame. Curci was an up and coming mid-major coach (yes, the University of Miami was a mid-major in the early 1970’s). Claiborne was an established, successful coach and UK grad. Curry was an A-list coach hired away from Alabama of all places. Mumme was a Division III superstar. Morriss was the emergency interim coach. Brooks was an old pro with decades of experience. Joker is the loyal assistant. Some were better than others, but no one could push us over the top.

For years, UK fans believed that the head coach was to blame. The right coach and everything will be great. Now, there seems to be a growing resignation that there is no right coach. UK isn’t a “destination” job–unless you can’t find a job or want your career to abruptly end. I can assure you that when Urban Meyer took his year off he wasn’t waiting to see if Joker got fired. A lot of folks want rid of Joker but very few have ideas about a replacement. Oh, we still have a small–very small–contingent who believe that almost anyone would take the UK job. Most now despair that no one can help us.

Coaching football is not that difficult. Recently, I heard ESPN commentator and long-time NFL offensive lineman Mark Schlereth say: “The words ‘football coach’ and ‘genius’ don’t belong in the same sentence. It’s 300 pound guys hitting each other.” I know I shouldn’t say that, but it’s true. It’s football, not gene-splicing. This is especially true in college football, where the talent gulf between the haves and have-nots is huge. My ten-year old son can recognize many different offensive and defensive formations on TV. How did he learn to decipher such complexities? Madden Football. It’s not that tough. We can find someone who’s bright enough to coach a football team.

But, if that’s true, what’s the problem? This leads to my next point…

THE JIMMYS AND JOES

Someone once said “It ain’t about the x’s and o’s. It’s the Jimmys and Joes.” I don’t know who said that (it sounds like something Darrell Royal would have said), but it’s true. College football at the highest level is all about the players. Preparation, game-planning and play-calling are all neutralized by overwhelmingly superior talent. UK fans have come to accept that our program is light-years away from an SEC Championship roster.

At UK, we might recruit 2 or 3 four-star players a year. Every now and then, we grab a five-star. The teams at the top of the heap are getting 15 of these guys every, single season. When we have an injured starter, we may have to bring in a young man who simply lacks the skill to play at the SEC level. When LSU has an injury, it looks down the bench for another NFL player. That’s big difference that you can’t coach around.

The best quarterbacks at UK in the last 40 years are Tim Couch, Jared Lorenzen and Andre Woodson. Among them, they hold every significant record in school history. The all went to high school in Kentucky. Players of that caliber are a rarity in Kentucky high school football. We certainly don’t get enough to fill out a roster.

Joker is blamed for the current state of the roster. He was the recruiting coordinator under Coach Brooks, after all. Maybe a new coach would do better. Maybe not. We’ve been down that road before. The only thing encouraging about this is that our fan base has finally accepted that we lack a lot more than magic coaching to compete with the big boys.

For many years, UK fans moaned about coaching decisions as though a play or two could have made the difference in the most recent 50 point loss. It seems we’ve come to realize that the talent gulf is so great we may not be able to bridge it. Compounding that realization is that UK also has a history of NCAA recruiting violations. Even when we’ve cheated, it hasn’t helped. If you’re going to cheat, at least win in the process.

For the first time, I hear a growing consensus that we just don’t have players. Fans seem to have given up on improvement. They want these players to play well but don’t really think they can do it.

This takes me to my last point…

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER

This line was how Dante envisioned the entrance to Hell. A growing number of UK fans feel the same way about Commonwealth Stadium now. Hope no longer springs eternal.

We UK fans like to think we are great fans. The best. I’ll engage in a bit of blasphemy and say that’s not true. Yes, we have attended football games where we had no chance to win. A lot of fan bases do that. We like to tailgate. Who doesn’t? The football program makes tons of money. In the SEC, I don’t how you wouldn’t make a mint. I’ve attended UK games regularly since the early 1980’s. When the season goes south, we don’t fill the stadium. I’ve been in Commonwealth Stadium with crowds of well below 20,000, regardless of the announced attendance. At the end of Bill Curry’s tenure, you could have shot arrows into the upper deck with no chance of injuring anyone. Expect a repeat of that if this season goes as badly as predicted.

Simply put, the fans are no longer entertained. 5-7 and 7-5 seasons are better than 1-10 (which we’ve seen), but they don’t inspire. Seven wins doesn’t mean we’re turning the corner. It just means we beat Louisville and the three cupcakes on the schedule plus some fellow SEC bottom feeders. Ho hum.

I don’t have any solutions, just observations. The atmosphere is as negative as I’ve seen since the last days of Bill Curry. Maybe worse. Of course, we open the season with Louisville. If we win, the old optimism will return–just long enough to lure us back. Heart break awaits. Oh well. GO CATS!

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The Fan’s Guide to Big Blue Nation

I attended the University of Kentucky. I am a proud alum, with two degrees no less. I was born and raised and have lived my entire life in Kentucky. Of course, I am also a lifelong fan of UK basketball. Attending UK–even graduating–has nothing to do with that. There are 3 million people in Kentucky, most of whom did not attend UK. But, I’m willing to bet that the majority of those folks are also fans. We’re born into it. It doesn’t matter is you’ve never set foot on campus or even been to Lexington, you’re still a fan.

I don’t claim that we are unique. Alabama football, Indiana basketball and other sports teams have similar followings. Nevertheless, we have our lifestyle and our own way of viewing the world through a Big Blue prism.

We say our favorite time of year is the NCAA Tournament, though most of us approach each game with a mixture of excitement and fear. To win would be the greatest of all things, while losing is a dagger in the chest. The season ends.

We call ourselves part of Big Blue Nation. You may be a member. If not, you may encounter our people over the next few weeks at tournament venues, on message boards or just on the street. You’ve been warned.

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE MISERABLE

Any UK fan worth his or her salt knows that “the Fellowship of the Miserable” was coined not in relation to basketball, but by Bill Curry, our wildly unsuccessful football coach in the 1990’s. This was his description of fans who complained to about our perpetually under-achieving football program. The Fellowship was actually founded by our basketball fans, of course.

The Fellowship is at work, home, church, everywhere you go. They speak of zones, defending the three, substitution patterns, timeouts, free throws, inbounds plays, recruiting. And they never forget. Here are sure-fire topics to stir the Fellowship at tournament time:

2013 NIT: We were the defending NCAA Champs and went to the NIT. And lost. In the first round. To Robert Morris.
1996 NCAA Champs: Why, oh why, did the Cats lose the SEC Tournament Championship game that year? Was Pitino flat out-coached or did he tank the game in an act of genius? Oh, and our uniforms were ugly.
1978 NCAA Champs: When Joe Hall benched the starters in the second half against Florida State, was he a master motivator or was it the act of a madman? By the way, he almost blew the lead in the finals.
1992 Duke game: For the love of God, why didn’t Pitino put a man on the freaking ball ? Regardless, Christian Laettner stomped on Aminu Timberlake!! He shouldn’t haven’t been in the game at the end anyway.
1975 NCAA Finals: John Wooden announced his retirement before the 1975 Championship game just to screw UK. Wooden, by the way, was just as big a cheater as any of our coaches.
1998 NCAA Champs: Tubby Smith won with Pitino’s players.
1966 NCAA Runners-up: UK may have had an all-white team in 1966, but so did DUKE, by God! Where is your outrage over THAT???
Middle Tennessee and Alabama-Birmingham: Just ask any member of the Fellowship what is significant about those schools. You’ll get an earful.
1997 NCAA Runners-up: If Derek Anderson was well enough to shoot a couple of free throws, he should have played.
1984 Final Four: Say “Seattle” or “Georgetown” or “2nd half” and watch the life drain from the faces of the Fellowship.
1986 NCAA Tournament: By God, you can’t beat any team FOUR TIMES in one season!

This is but a sampling of hot buttons for the BBN. You can throw names out there, too: Denny Crum, Dale Brown, Coach K, Bobby Knight, Dean Smith, John Wooden, Billy Gillispie. The list is endless. One mention will dredge up memories best left suppressed, like tearing open an old incision.

WE CAN ALL COACH

I am a typical member of BBN. I never played basketball at any seriously competitive level. But, I’ve watched a lot of basketball. A lot. This makes me an expert, of sorts. If I were the coach….. You know the drill. Every fan is different, but here are a number of coaching pointers about which there is a general consensus in BBN:

Full court press: Full court, all the time. We like this because it was effective under Rick Pitino, even though Pitino himself no longer employs it. Because we rarely watch any team other than UK, we don’t know this. We think Louisville presses all the time. We want to do that, too.
Dribble Drive Motion: This is the offense of choice of our current coach, John Calipari. Few of us understand how it works. We scream at the TV for pick and rolls and screens when they aren’t even part of our offense. Here’s a link about the DDM which will confuse you to no end, making it only slightly less complex than string theory.
One and Done: We hate the “One and Done” rule. It doesn’t work. We can’t win with freshmen. Until we do….
Shoot the 3: Pitino’s first team at UK made us 3 crazy. We’ve never recovered. Many of us still hold to the idea that firing the ball from 20 feet makes more sense than a lay up.
The Ball Line Defense: This was Tubby Smith’s defense. We think he invented it. It’s also known as “man-you-ball” defense. The basic principle is to position yourself between your man and the ball. It based on the oldest defensive principle: The hardest man to guard is the one with the ball, so keep the ball away from your man. It’s actually a good defense and was played well by Smith’s teams. We don’t care, because those teams didn’t win enough. We think it was a terrible defense.
Play Richie: We know who should be playing and when. We know that many games would have been won if only the 10th or 11th player had logged some minutes.
We Need More Kentucky Boys: Not everything about BBN is admirable. You will hear some fans say “we need more Kentucky boys.” This is usually offered as a pretense to contend that Kentucky boys will play harder. Sadly, this is often a thinly-veiled code for “white boys.” Don’t be fooled. When you hear this, that’s often what it means.

THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

Kentucky belongs to the SEC or, as we prefer to put it, the SEC belongs to Kentucky. The SEC hates Kentucky, but not as much as the BBN hates the SEC. The other SEC schools waste their efforts on football or–in Vanderbilt’s case–academics. We’re all basketball all the time. A quick overview of our take on the rest of the conference:

Alabama: A football school pretending to play basketball and doing a poor job of it.
Auburn: See Alabama. Plus, we made Charles Barkley cry. Tigers, War Eagles of Plainsmen? No self-respecting school can be that confused on its mascot choice.
Arkansas: Okay, they won a title. Big deal. Their coach also said he would crawl to Kentucky for the UK job. He didn’t, but he did kind of crawl out of town when he got fired.
Florida: They won back to back titles. Pure luck. Any school that had both Dwayne Schintzius and Joakim Noah is worthy of nothing but contempt.
Georgia: Their coach also abandoned them to come to Kentucky. Otherwise, we don’t know much about them, other than we regularly beat them.
LSU: Cats came back from 31 down AT LSU on Fat Tuesday. HAHAHAHA!
Mississippi: We get them confused with Mississippi State.
Mississippi State: See Mississippi. They used to be called the “Maroons.” WTH? Somehow, they get credit for “crossing the color line” by participating in the integrated NCAA Tournament in 1963, twenty freakin’ years after UK started going to the tournament!
Missouri: They have to be known for something, but what I have no idea what.
South Carolina: They’re called the Gamecocks. Nuff said.
Tennessee: One time Ernie Grunfeld shot free throws when Bernard King got fouled. They are cheaters. Plus, their women’s team could beat them most years.
Texas A&M: Another football school but without any particular football success. Like UK, Bear Bryant quit them, too. Their school concentrates on agricultural and mechanical stuff which seems kind of limited to me.
Vanderbilt: Eggheads with a disproportionate number of white players. They play in a dump with the benches at the end of the court.

LOUISVILLE

We hate Louisville, the University, that is. The city actually has more UK fans in it than anywhere else in the state. HAHAHAHA!!

CONSPIRACIES

Oswald acted alone. Marilyn Monroe overdosed. Obama was born in Hawaii. Those statements sum up my view of conspiracies. I don’t believe it is possible for two people to keep a secret, much less dozens; however, as a member of BBN, I do recognize the following undeniable conspiracies:

The NCAA Tournament Selection Committee is designed primarily to give UK an impossible draw every year. That’s why they don’t have cameras in the room.
The NCAA Infractions Committee has conspired against UK many times to impose unjust sanctions. They have gone so far as to enlist the media, FedEx and the American College Testing system.
The print media conspires against UK by failing to acknowledge our superiority. They also engage in yellow journalism by unjustly criticizing the Cats.
Broadcasters conspire against UK to offer undue criticism of the Cats and unwarranted praise of our opponents. Only Dick Vitale does not belong to the conspiracy and that’s only because he’s so annoying they won’t invite him to their secret meetings.
Referees since the days of Paul Galvan have conspired against UK every season. We know that they meet before each season to discuss how to hold back UK. They demand that games be kept close for TV ratings and to boost up the rest of the sorry SEC. This is the only thing that keeps the Cats from regularly winning by 75 points.

PERSPECTIVE

Like any good fan base, BBN lacks perspective. I myself have smashed an ashtray (1992); broken a baseball bat (1993); ripped a pair of blue jeans in half (1995); and kicked a hole in the wall (1994). These were just reactions to NCAA tournament losses. There have been countless of other instances of temporary insanity, property damage and self-inflicted physical injury caused by a bitter defeat.

Your author reflects in the glory of the accomplishments of others.

We are the same fan base from which a caller told Coach Smith that he hadn’t “given up” on the Cats, even though they were 22-3 at the time. People who camp out for weeks to attend a practice. We hate Christian Laettner for doing what anyone would expect him to do–make a shot to win the game for his team. We don’t care. He beat the Cats, and we hate him. Coach Calipari won the title in 2012, and two years later we were ready to brand him a complete failure, then he took his team to another Final Four. He was a genius again.

Two kinds of seasons end with a win: Wildly successful (NCAA Champs!) or soul-crushing failure (no tournament, NIT champs, probation). This means that we are despondent at the end of almost every season. We won’t read the newspaper or watch the news, lest there be a report on our humiliating loss. We are lesser people, and we know it. We have no hope…until NEXT YEAR!!

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