Self Help

Oh, Dear Me

It’s become quite popular for folks to write letters to themselves. Seriously, it has.  Sometimes, they’ll write to their young selves and offer advice.  Maybe you’ve written a letter to your future self full positive affirmations and whatnot.  There are even websites offering tips on writing to yourself, where in the future or the past .

I’ve never done this, mostly because I’ve written very few letters in my life (with the notable exception of business letters of which I’ve written thousands).   I once had a therapist suggest that I write a letter to myself.  Like most suggestions, I ignored it.

Today is my birthday.  I am 52 years old.  I spend little time thinking about the past.  There’s nothing I can do about it, so I might as well move on. My birthday is the only time I wax nostalgic.  I’m not sure why, but I do.

Current Me has no advice for Young Me.  Young Me wouldn’t take advice anyway.  Plus, if I write Young Me and tell him all the things that will happen over the years, he might be terrified.  Young Me was quite prone to worry.  No need to make him fret.

I’m also not interested in writing Future Me.  I have no idea how old Future Me will be.  Future Me already knows everything that Current Me and Young Me know, plus a bunch of other stuff.   Who am I to annoy him with my advice?  Maybe he should write Current Me a letter.  That might actually be helpful.  At least I’d read it.

The letter I’d really like to see would one from Young Me to Current Me.  I don’t remember much about that dude.  It might be to nice get his take on my current situation.  Perhaps I’ll write him a letter which will compel him to respond.  It would read something like this:

Dear Me:

Thanks for your recent letter.  I appreciate all the advice, but I’ll be fine doing things my way.

I’m doing okay, I guess.  I’m in college and planning to go to law school.  I guess you know all that.  Sounds like I end up doing alright.  To be honest, I can’t imagine how it worked out like that.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.

I’m glad to see that things have gone well for you (us?).  I’m quite surprised that you’ve been married for over 25 years.  I can’t keep a girlfriend for more than a few months. Now, you tell me that I’ll be married in just a few years. Is sour wife really ugly?  I’ve always worried that I’ll have to settle for some homely chick.  Next time, send me a picture of her.  Then again, maybe it’s best I don’t know.

You have three kids?  And none of them are psychopaths or grievously mentally ill?  I’m barely able to care for myself.  I’ve messed myself up in a lot of ways.  I can’t imagine what I would do to kids. 

It’s a relief to know that you made it through law school and actually got a job.  I appreciate your suggestion that I pay more attention in school, but you forget that there’s a lot going on in my world.  When I’m not brooding, I try to have a good time.  School isn’t my idea of a good time. 

I’ll admit that I’m a bit sad to know that you aren’t super-rich or famous or anything like that. I hoped I’d make a bunch of money doing something and then not have to actually work.  Oh, well.

Hey, you didn’t have to tell me about Mom and Dad dying.  Obviously, they will at some point, but it’s better to leave that a mystery.  I’m pretty much completely dependent on them right now. I suppose I really will have to fend for myself at some point.

I was intrigued by your observation that Mom and Dad are actually right about almost everything they’ve told me.  Your memory might be failing you.  I still think I know better than they do. 

I was pleased to find out you’re 52 YEARS OLD!  I never expected to last that long.  That’s great.  As I write this, Dad is in his early 60’s.  I can’t imagine being that old.  Good work.  Hopefully, I won’t do anything to mess that up.  Of course, I guess I won’t, since you were able to write me. 

Thanks for the picture. You didn’t get real fat or bald, but I see you got Dad’s white hair.  I’ve always expected that to happen.  You still kind of look like me but not really.  I’m not sure I would recognize you if we passed on the street.  You really are starting to look like Dad, which I never expected.

Did you become a pompous know-it-all like most people your age that I know?  I hope not.  Please don’t go around telling everyone else how to live their lives.  Be especially sure to take it easy on the lecturing.  Honestly, no one wants to hear it.

Here’s another thing to remember:  Let your sons be themselves.  They’re going to do that anyway, so you might as well help them.  I know, because I’m living through that right now.  Yes, they’ll disappoint you sometimes, but they don’t mean to do it.  It happens.  Be sure they know you love them regardless. 

Don’t hammer your kids too much when they make mistakes.  Believe or not, they usually know.  I’m not saying to ignore the problems–you know Dad never did!  Just take it easy.

I must take exception to some of your counsel.  How do you know that I’ve never been in love?  Again, your memory fails you.  You’re falling prey to one of the worst mistakes people your age make–you forgot what’s like to be young. 

While we’re on that subject, being young isn’t a barrel of laughs all the time.  I worry about my future and occasionally do hideously stupid things.  You might remember it as nothing but a bunch of good times, but there are plenty of bad ones, too.  Don’t waste any of your time wanting to be me.

I always figured I’d contract some horrible disease or die young in a stupid accident of some sort.  Future Me must have done something right along the way.  I can’t fathom that I will do all that you described in your letter. 

To you, I’m sure it seems that I did all I could to stand in your way and make life difficult.  Mostly, I did the best I knew to do at the time.  Even when it wasn’t the best I could do, I still did something. Instead of telling me what you think I need to know, you should perhaps forgive me for some of the mistakes I made.  I’m sure you’d do the same for your sons.  

As an aside, nice try with the “smart phone” nonsense. There’s no way that everyone carries a phone with them all the time. Do you really expect me to believe that your telephone has more computing power than any computer in my time?  You send written messages to people with it?  Listen to music?  Read newspapers on it?  C’mon.  I know you’re in the future, but you’re not on Star Trek. 

In closing, thanks again for the letter.  Take care of yourself.  We should try to hang around as long as possible.  After all, we don’t want to get a letter from Future You telling us how we’ve screwed up his old age.

Your friend,

Me

 

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How To Stay Married: Secrets of a Married Man

I’ve been married for almost 25 years.  That’s almost half my life.  Arguably, marriage has consumed the best half of my life.  That said, I’ve had a long, happy marriage.

People often ask me:  What is the key to a successful marriage?  Okay, that’s a lie.  No one asks me that.  Ever.  Not once.  I wonder why.  People ask me about other things.  What’s it like to be a lawyer?  How are your kids?  What’s wrong with you?  I’ve answered these and many other questions, usually truthfully.

I’ve always believed that the most annoying advice is the kind you don’t want.  Maybe marriage is like that.  Folks just don’t want to hear about it.  It’s probably because they are either happy themselves and need no advice or they are miserable and hate people who aren’t.  Surely, young, single people want advice.  I doubt it.  When I was young and single, I knew most everything, especially when it came to the opposite sex.  What could some old guy tell me? He doesn’t know that I’m in love and that’s all that matters.  Fools.

People write books about marriage.  I’ve seen them, but I’ve never read one.  There are marriage counselors. Marriage therapists. If you belong to church, you can talk to your minister about your marriage.  Even Catholic priests–who have vowed to God never to marry–counsel couples before and after they marry.  Yes, there is much advice.  Add me to the list of experts.  The difference is that I have a quarter century of inexplicable success backing me up.

Much advice is useless.   A chimp could tell you–if he could talk–that things such as infidelity, violence and disappearing for days at a time can break any marriage.  Those things set the bar far too low.  Marriage requires many more subtle precautions to flourish.

MARRY UP

This is also known as “out-kicking your coverage.”  Marry a woman who is more attractive than you.  Of course, what I mean is that she is more appealing to the opposite sex than you are.  Why?  Isn’t the conventional wisdom that an ugly woman is likely to be more faithful?  I call B.S. on that one.

At some point in your marriage (probably a day or two into it), patience will be important.  Very important.  If you are about to say or do something untoward, one look at your ridiculously beautiful wife will make you pause and think: “Whoa!  I need to be careful.  There’s no way I can duplicate this deal.”  Those pauses are one of the key components of staying married.

Let’s say you look like Brad Pitt.  It’s almost certain you are prettier than every woman you’ve ever met. Not only are you irresistible to women, most men find you attractive, too.  The first time your wife does something stupid–like lose the remote–you are likely to explode, thinking:  “Why did I marry this hag?  She can’t even keep track of the remote!”  I’m certain that’s why Brad and Jennifer Aniston split.  As beautiful as she is–and she IS, by God–can anyone, male or female, honestly say that he or she is prettier than Brad?  I guarantee you Brad doesn’t think so.  Nor should he.

Personally, I married WAY up.  My wife has even become prettier over the years, while I’ve simply aged.  I’m a troll compared to her.  When I introduce her to people for the first time, the typical response is:  “This is your wife?”  I once overheard someone talking about me, and she said:  “Have seen his wife?  She is really pretty.  Really.”  Shocking.

Conversely, when she introduces me to people, they get a look of pity on their faces, as though they just met that kid from the movie, Mask.  They all assume I am incredibly wealthy, but I’m not.

This works well in our marriage.  Sometimes, I’ll be about to say something about the remote or her cooking and then I’ll catch a glimpse of her.  I’ll still say something, but I try to take the edge off it.  I’m simply not going to be able to duplicate my success.

I’m not suggesting that marrying up is easy.  Few worthwhile things are.  It takes work, and–in my case–alcohol.  Attractive women are no different from ALL men.  They often exercise poor judgment under the influence of strong drink.  Use this to your advantage.  Of course, you may be incredibly wealthy.  If so, this is no problem.

You may think that an attractive woman married to a physically repellant man is more likely to stray.  I guess that’s possible, but it beats the hell out of looking at an ugly woman all the time.  Also, remember that it is all relative.  If you are an extremely ugly man, you can marry up by marrying a plain or even homely woman.  The point is–aim high.  It works.

THINK FIRST

As noted above, a brief pause before speaking can make the difference between a long marriage and an annulment on your honeymoon.  Here are examples:

WIFE:  Let’s go see my parents tomorrow.

HUSBAND: For God’s sake, we just saw them two days ago!  My parents are dead, but yours are some kind of immortals!  I don’t get it.  Maybe it’s because they are Hell beasts….

By responding immediately, this man has made a critical mistake.  He has spoken his mind on a subject of great sensitivity.  The better, more reasoned response goes like this:

HUSBAND:  It seems like forever since we’ve seen Mom and Dad.  Let’s go today.  We should cherish our time with them.

By pausing just for a moment, this husband’s ludicrous response has prevented marital discord. This type of answer has the added benefit of possibly preventing the visit.  How, you ask?  Simple.  When the wife sees the husband enthusiastically embrace this suggestion, she is likely to cancel the visit altogether and focus on a request the husband may dislike, such as yard work.  Even if you can’t muster such an impressive response, you can always choke out a simple:  “Yes, dear” or “Whatever you say.”  These responses, while not preferable, are always good in pinch.

BRING ON THE NOISE

I have a White Noise app for my phone.  It’s great.  I go to bed before everyone in my house, but this doesn’t stop the other residents from being quite loud.  This app allows me to turn on “white noise” to drown out the mad cacophony.

You can do the same thing with your wife.  Once you’ve been married for a while, you may hear the same things over and over.  For instance, you may leave towels in the floor or be incapable of properly folding them.  If so, you are likely to hear about these shortcomings many, many times.  One approach is to say something like:  “For the love of God, would you just shut the hell up about those [expletive deleted] towels?!?!  Honest to God, I can’t take it anymore!”  Honesty, despite its value in general, is definitely not the best policy.

With practice, you can turn up the white noise in your own brain to filter out such offending exchanges.  Personally, I am unable to properly use a sink.  I splatter water on the fixtures or even the mirror.  No matter how I try or how much I wipe it up, it’s still no good.  I have trained my brain to deal with it.  If am asked this question:  “Did you use the sink in hall?”  all I hear after that is the soothing buzz of white noise.

Men have a well-deserved reputation of being poor listeners.  You will be reminded of this.  DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP.  If you become a better listener, it is a recipe for disaster, for you will then listen to the very things which threaten marital harmony.  It is better to properly condemned for one flaw than to pay heed to many things best left unsaid.

YOUR OLD LIFE WAS A WASTE

Sure, your enjoyed your single days.  You lived as you wished.  You had friends.  It was a good time.

Think again.  Your old life was useless.  When you get married, get rid of every piece of furniture you owned as a single man.  If you don’t, your wife will begin a systematic purging.  Just get it over with.  Same goes for your clothes.

You will be asked about girls you dated.  You hated them.  All of them.  They were horrible people.  Unattractive, too.  They may have been sluts.  I don’t care if you dated Kate Upton, never even hint to your wife that she was the least bit appealing.  It is best to humbly express regret for your poor judgment.

Your friends were idiots.  Your wife may actually like some of them, so you can still like those few.  The rest of them are fools.  Plain and simple.  Stay away from them. Your wife is now your best friend.  If not, she’s likely to be your only friend after a while.

What does it say about you that you dated worthless women and your friends were all idiots?  Nothing good, my friend.  Your wife saved you.  You should appreciate that.

When you took your marital vows, you abandoned your old life.  Keep it that way.

KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON

This one is simple.  Stay married, unless you just can’t do it anymore.  That’s what we’ve done.  I can assure that I annoy my wife.  I know that I enrage her on occasion.  I’m sure she does all the same things I suggested above.  If not, she should (Expect the marry up part.  She’s screwed on that one).  My best advice would be to marry my wife, but you can’t.

I hope this has been helpful.  If not, hey, I’m no expert on any marriage but mine.

When I told my wife that I was starting a blog, she responded by saying “One of those things full of trivial [expletive deleted] that no one wants to read?”  Thus, I think it is unlikely that she’ll read this.  On the off chance she does, please read the following important disclaimer:

The foregoing is meant only as general advice and any reliance upon it is at your own peril, as I do not know your wife nor do I know if you are a jackass or anything.  More importantly, any resemblance between the above scenarios and my own wife’s behavior are mere coincidences.  She would never do anything of the sort described.  Plus, I listen to everything she says, because she is always right.  And she really is very pretty.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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5 Steps to Success

I know many people.  Some are successful, but most aren’t.  They come from many walks of life.  They all share two things in common:  (1) they know me; and (2) they are oddly disinterested in my opinions.  The only exception to this latter point would the occasional mundane inquiry about something like how to get gum off a shoe or my view on the gold standard–neither of which, by the way, I know anything about.  Nevertheless, I now offer the world my secrets of success.  More accurately, my secrets of the appearance of success.  Let’s face it, most of us are not great successes nor do we stand the chance of being one.  I  have found that appearing to be successful is close to actual success, albeit without the financial windfall or fame which typically accompanies actual success.

As an initial matter, a very few of you don’t need to read this.  Drive, passion, intelligence and perseverance are the keys to success.  If you possess even one of those attributes, you likely are a success yourself and need no advice.  Also, an inexhaustible trust fund is the core of many a success.  If you have one of these, stop reading now.  Your bizarre and even repugnant behavior was long ago dismissed as the eccentricities of the rich.  You need no advice from me.  Finally, if you have married into money or a person with any of the above-mentioned attributes, hang on for dear life.  You have succeeded.  The rest of you should continue reading.

Below is my simple 5 Steps to Success Program.  I offer it free of charge as a service to the public.  Hang on for the ride of your life.  Remember: The only thing that stands between you and the top is all that stuff in the middle!

No. 1 AIM LOW

You have likely heard advice such as “surround yourself with winners” or “hang with the winners.” Nothing could be further from the truth.  Winners associate with winners.  If they would voluntarily associate with you, you would in fact already be a winner.  It’s not going to happen.  Besides, if you surround yourself with people far superior to you, how will you look?  Like a loser, that’s what.  Do you have a sibling that is far more successful than you?  How has that worked out for you?  The same applies in the real world

The first step toward the appearance of success is to surround yourself with people who appear to be vastly inferior to you.  Now, I realize that may be difficult to do.   In my case, it’s close to impossible.  Close.  We all know people who through a series of unfortunate choices or circumstances (or a combination) have failed to rise above mediocrity.  Seek these people out and embrace them.  Your meager accomplishments will shine in comparison.  For example, if you are a student, your 2.4 grade point average will impress compared to students who have been placed on probation or outright expelled from school.  If your parents berate you over your grades, you can point to the academic failings of your colleagues as proof that your junior college is a stern task master.

Similarly, in the employment arena, you will have many co-workers who are just as pathetic as you are.  Look for those who nap periodically, arrive late and are constantly in turmoil.  Perhaps, you have a co-worker with a drinking problem.  Avoid anyone with the appearance of being a “go-getter” or “self-starter.”  These folks will only drag you down.

You may be tempted to aggressively seek out losers.  Be careful.  Like many a good thing, this can be taken too far.  For example, did you know that every state in the Union has an on-line sex offender registry?  It’s true.  With a few clicks of the mouse, you can find numerous undesirables in your own zip code.  You may view this as a ready-made pool of potential colleagues.  True, but I must strongly advise against this approach.  First, such an approach is far too aggressive for someone of your ilk.  Second, while you certainly will shine in comparison to this pool of flotsam and jetsam, you may find yourself drawn into a lifestyle rife with its own complications.

No. 2 Talk Like the Winners

Successful people have a lingo all their own.  These words and phrases are a veritable gold mine of potential for you.  I offer some of the more important ones for your consideration.

Think Outside The Box: No one really knows what this means, but the successful say it and do it.  You must too.  The box is closed and confined, while outside the box the world is wide open.  Go out there and think.  That’s what the successful are doing.  Most importantly, remind people that you are outside the box and encourage them to join you.  Then, think.

Shift a Paradigm: Man, oh, man, successful people do this all the time.  They take a paradigm and just shift it.  Shift the hell out of it.  Find a paradigm and shift!  Again, tell people you’ve done it or, better yet, tell them to do it.  It’s always good.  Have at it.

Be Pro-Active:  This is just like being active, except you’re more pro at it.  Successful people LOVE proactivity.  Practice saying:  “I am proactive” and “You need to be proactive.”  Outside the Box is a world of proactivity waiting for you.

Take One for The Team:  Successful people want you to do this.  What does it mean?  Do something that a successful person would never do, regardless of the harm it will cause you.  Offer to take one.  Suggest that others do so, too.

Be a Self Starter:  This means do a bunch of stuff without being told to do so.  Now, you may be wholly incompetent at what you do.  In this case, being a self-starter is quite dangerous.  You are likely to commit all manner of foolhardy and dangerous acts.  So be it.  You are a self-starter

You’ve probably figured out that saying these things is far more important than doing them.  Remember:  Appearances are everything.

3. High Hobnobbery

The one exception to hanging with losers is when one of your loser friends inexplicably becomes a success.  It can happen.  Unexpected inheritances, lottery winnings, and large personal injury settlements are just a few of the ways that one of your friends may achieve great success overnight.  Take advantage of this.  After all, you’ve all been in the same boat.

Your newly successful friend has, in all likelihood, associated solely with people of your unfortunate ilk.  He or she will not have made any substantial friendships or associations.  This is where you come in.  Attach yourself like a stubborn barnacle to the hull of a luxury yacht.  Offer to tag along to cocktail parties, fundraisers and other important events.  Your friend, uncomfortable with his or her new financial largesse, will almost certainly take you up on your offer.

At this point, you may want to refer to my earlier blog on the art of small talk.  You’re in now.  You’re walking the walk.   Time to talk the talk.

I also suggest investing in a cell phone with an excellent camera. Why?  Nothing impresses more than photographic proof of your “success.”  I live in Kentucky, where there is nothing more impressive than to associate with the University of Kentucky’s basketball team.  You will have truly arrived when you move in these circles.  Of course, it’s laughable to imagine that you will ever do so.  BUT, with the resourceful use of a cell phone camera, you can appear to have “made the scene.”  I offer two examples of my own experience.

Below is a photo I took of Chuck Hayes, beloved former U.K. basketball star and current NBA player.  I surreptitiously took this photo at a football game where I had insinuated myself into the suite level of the stadium (by the way, it was at no personal cost!):

Chuck Hayes unwittingly becomes part of my world.

I immediately uploaded this to various social networks with the caption:  I keep texting Chuck to distract him from the game.  Here he is firing one back at me!  Now, everyone thinks I know Chuck Hayes.  I have his phone number.  We text!  I have arrived.

Below is another example.  I happened to find myself at a luncheon where the speaker was none other than U.K. Basketball Coach John Calipari.  Someone asked me to take her photo  with him.  I did so, but kept a copy for myself.  Note how I skillfully cropped the offending bystander while keeping Coach Cal properly centered.  With a little computer magic, I deftly doctored the photo to remove all traces of the other person.

Little does John Calipari know that we’ve just become life-long friends.

Now, people think I know Coach Cal.  We’re friends.  We hang out with Chuck Hayes.  I am someone YOU want to know.  See how easy it is.

You can do the same in your world.  Wherever you live there are prominent people who lack sophisticated security.  You can get close to them and claim them as your own.  Try it.  You won’t regret it.  NOTE: Please consult law enforcement in your area regarding your state and local stalking laws.

4. Make a Name for Yourself

If you have followed my earlier steps, all that is left is to make your name known.  You could do something like invent the iPod or Post-it Notes.  Be serious.  You’re not going to do anything like that.  All the good stuff has been invented.  Don’t despair.  You are not defeated.

Letters to the editor and radio call-in shows are fertile ground to get your name “out there.”  Now, you’re thinking:  “Wait a second.  A lot of people do that, and I don’t know them.”  You’re inside the box, my friend.  Venture outside it with me.

You must choose controversial causes to champion.  Such “hot” topics as gay marriage, arcane zoning laws and war have been beaten to death.  Do you really have anything of substance to add?  Of course not.  How about bestiality?  Whether you support it or oppose it, you’ll get attention.  Legalizing child labor?  No one is offering anything of value on that subject. What if you became known as the person who opposes heterosexual marriage?  These are just a few ideas that quickly come to mind.  You can think of many, many more.

You may be tempted to try to educate yourself on a variety of subjects.  I must warn you that such a course of action requires a lot of reading, mostly books.  Some books are as long as 300 pages and very complicated.  There is no need to burden yourself.  The Internet is a vast canyon of knowledge.  Just do a quick Google search.  You’ll be conversant on your topic in no time.

One thing you should consider is quoting other, more intelligent people.  Again, the Internet is your friend.  Just search “Quotes about……” and you’ll find everything you need.  Now, many people quote so-called experts such as Bertrand Russell, Albert Einstein and George “Goober” Lindsey.  In keeping with your new controversial image, quote incendiary figures.  Try Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan.  How about Benito Mussolini?  Serial killers also have insights on a variety of topics.  These and many others are a font of information.

Many years ago, I read a valuable suggestion from writer Michael O’Donoghue.  When quoting someone, freely use the Latin word sic to signify any word which is misspelled or the least bit odd.  Let’s say you’ve found a quote from famed Scottish poet Robert Burns.  Look what you can do to him:

“The best laid plans o’ [sic] mice an’ [sic] men gang [sic] aft [sic] agley [sic].”

You have butchered one of the most famous quotes in history by questioning the intelligence of the author.  You appear to be profoundly intelligent, while Burns has been discredited and rendered unreadable.

Regardless of how you approach your subject, just be sure to keep after it.  You may even find yourself writing missives, pamphlets, leaflets and whatnot about your subject.  Soon, they’ll know your name, and that’s all that matters.

5. SELF-HELPLESS

Keep your nose to the grindstone.  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.  Put your shoulder to the wheel.  These old saws have been around for centuries and all mean one thing:  Help yourself.  Okay, let me ask you a few questions.  What will you get if you put your nose to a grindstone?  My guess is a ground up nose.  What the hell are bootstraps?  I guess boots used to have straps on them.  Imagine pulling on them. What?  Now, you’re wearing a freakin’ pair of boots.  Congratulations.  Exactly what kind of wheel do you put your shoulder to? A spinning wheel, like for making thread?  Hey, welcome to Loserville where we can’t afford to buy thread.

Forget all this well-meaning bilge.  While you’re at it, if you have any self-help books, pile them up and burn them.  Why?  Simple:  If you could help yourself, you wouldn’t need useless advice from self-help gurus.  Take Tony Robbins, the infomercial guy with the gigantic head and Chicklet teeth.  Do you really think he wants you to succeed?  Oh really?  The man sits on a throne of money.  He knows you can’t do what he’s done, because he wrote the books and made the DVDs telling people how to do these things that none of them can do.  From Dale Carnegie to Zig Zigler to Ho Chi Minh, charismatic snake oil salesmen have fooled you into believing that you can follow a few simple suggestions and–PRESTO!–you’ve made it!  We know this isn’t case at all. But all is not lost.

You can appear to be a the winner you have no business of thinking about being. If you follow my suggestions, you will soon seem to be the man or woman you want to be.  And isn’t that what life is really all about?

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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Turtles Shells and the Art of Small Talk

“Ethiopians worship turtles shells.”  That was the ice breaker one evening long ago when I dined with a young lady and her mother and step-father.  The step-father’s simple statement about the religious practices of Ethiopians illustrates one of my life-long struggles:  How to successfully chit-chat.

Being a young man at that time and rather unworldly, I had no response.  I stared at my plate, briefly glancing at my date and trying to avoid both eye contact and sudden laughter.  I must admit, though, that I pondered the possibilities: Do Ethiopians, in fact worship shells?  If so, why?  How did he come across this information?  Had he been to Ethiopia?  My poor social skills prevented me from pursuing the topic further.  My prospective relationship was no doubt ruined by my inability to engage in stimulating small talk.

In the years since, I have been forced to attend various dinners, gatherings, cocktail parties, receptions, lunches and chance encounters where I have, fortunately, honed my chit-chatting skills to a fine edge.  We have all had those painful moments when someone ham-handedly tries to “shoot the breeze” and instead offends or bores those around him.   As a service, I offer my pointers on how to approach these most awkward of moments.

WHEN IN DOUBT, LIE

As a general rule, I oppose lying.  It’s just not good.  Plus, I usually get caught.  Chit-chat is an exception.  Sometimes, we must—in the name of polite conversation—lie in order to keep the ball rolling.  An example:  You’re at a cocktail party and a chit-chatter is prattling on about a drunken bender that he was on several years ago:

Chit-chatter:  “[blah, blah, blah]… and the next morning who but Peter O’Toole himself had a case of champagne delivered to my room with a note reading: ‘I told you we could have a good time for $50.’”

You haven’t been listening, and the speaker has concluded his story with some outrageous anecdote about noted actor Peter O’Toole (a lie, no doubt).  What shall you do in response?  You can’t just awkwardly blurt out:  “That is a damned lie!” and reveal yourself as a clod. Try this:

You:  “I’ve always loved Peter O’Toole’s work.  My uncle was his understudy on Broadway several years ago.  Fabulous chap.”

You have now commandeered the conversation to your fictional uncle’s acting career.  (Note:  Don’t say that YOU had an acting career.  That’s too easy to expose as a lie).  Now, you can regale the listener with your own second-hand stories of Peter O’Toole and any other actor you decide to include in your fantasy world.  You are almost as fascinating at the Chit-Chatter, plus you now have common ground on which to bond.

GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT

Most Chit-Chatters enjoy hearing themselves talk.  That’s why they are talking.  One tried and true method of competing is to simply repeat back to the speaker what he or she has just said with your own spin on it.  This is especially helpful when, like me, you’re often in the company of people far more intelligent and well-read than yourself.  Example:

Chit Chatter:  “I tell you, if we don’t get the Greek government to take a hard-line on its austerity measures, the entire Euro Zone will collapse.  The result will be catastrophic.  It will make the Icelandic Bank Crisis look like nothing.  We’ve already seen the effects in some of the Eastern Bloc countries. Newt Gingrich nailed it in last night’s debate: How do we get these people to the table?”

You are now in deep trouble.  You don’t know anything about the Greek government. You didn’t watch the debate.  You were watching your backlog of “Hillbilly Handfishing” episodes last night.  You thought Newt Gingrich was on Hee Haw.  Here’s your response:

You:  “Lloyd, no sensible person could argue with you–or Newt–on that point.  The Greeks, for all the good they may have done, have not stepped up when it comes to austerity measures.  I can’t understand why, when it is so important to the very life of the Euro Zone, that they don’t take a hard-line.  You’re right about Iceland.  We can’t afford a repeat of that fiasco.”

See what you’ve done?  Without a single original thought, you’ve engaged in lively political banter.  By merely restating the Chit-Chatter’s banal declaration, you appear to be “with it” and engaged.

Top This

Often, the whole point of chit-chat is to impress the listener.  This is especially true in business settings.  If, like me, you are not very impressive and have a modest list of accomplishments, embellishment or outright fabrication is necessary.  While this is closely related to the first point above, the purpose is quite different.  Rather than being a response, you can use this to your advantage as your own ice breaker.  For example, you are at a dinner seated with several people who are, by their very appearance, superior to you in every way.  Try something like this:

“I must share this story.  While on vacation, I was strolling the Champs-Élysées when I saw an old friend, Uqba ibn Nafi, whom I met in Morocco several years before.  When I asked what he was doing in Paris, he paused, stared me straight in the eye and said: “Rambwa yekh chalyem!”  Oh, we both had a good laugh at that.”

This one inane story, made up from whole cloth, makes you appear worldly.  The listener, by contrast, is likely to think his own education and, indeed life, are meaningless.  Little do they know that you’ve recounted gibberish which roughly translated means “the traffic circle has a hideous beard.”  One consideration:  Your listeners may have been to Paris.  It may be a good idea to read about Paris on Wikipedia or change the location of  your story to Qatar or Ethiopia.

TABOO

Regardless of your nerves, there are three subjects to avoid at all costs.  They are summarized below:

Children:  If the listener has children, he or she will care nothing about yours.  If he or she has no children, it is likely that they hate children or are bitter over their sterility.  Think about when a colleague shows you a “drawing” by his 3 year old.  “It’s a horse!”  you’re told.  You say:  “Cute.”  What you think is:  “That ain’t no freakin’ horse.  What’s wrong with that kid?”  That’s how the listener reacts to small talk about your kids.

Health:  There is no way to make your gout or recent colonoscopy interesting unless you embellish them into gun shot wounds.  It is best to avoid the topic altogether as you may be in the company of someone with a truly loathsome condition, the details of which will horrify you.  The one exception to this is if your audience is all over 70 years old.  In that case, it will be the only topic of conversation.

Controversy:  Whether it’s as benign as the  Designated Hitter or as incendiary as legalizing child pornography, steer clear of controversial topics.  If such a topic is introduced, try to direct the conversation elsewhere.  This would be the perfect time to refer to item 2 above and dazzle the listeners with your erudition with a “top this” tale.

CONCLUSION

Had I known these simple rules, imagine how I would have handled the turtle story:

ME:  “That is very interesting.  My uncle worked in the mission fields of Ethiopia years ago.  Turtle shells were known as “ukajobu” or “shell of the Gods.”  They would grind them into a fine powder.  It was reputed to be an aphrodisiac of sorts.”

There you have it.  I have conquered the conversation with my own interesting retort.  Perhaps the young lady would have been impressed and changed the course of my life. Then again, my life is pretty fine as it is.  Maybe all this small talk is just a load of crap.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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