Are you a liberal? If so, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that the world is confusing these days; thus, you could be misjudging yourself. Some people say I’m liberal. Liberals don’t say that. They say I’m a reactionary capitalist. It confuses me. I’ve always been the type that had difficulty figuring myself out. If you ask: “How are you?” I might respond: “I don’t know. You tell me.”
John F. Kennedy was considered a liberal, but I think he’d be a conservative today. Ronald Reagan is king of the conservatives, but he might be a liberal now. Who knows? I do know that there are definite signs of liberalism, but even those are confusing.
So, I’ve tried to identify the tell-tale signs of liberalism–those traits which expose a closeted liberal to the harsh light of day. These same traits could mean something entirely different, too. It’s all still confusing, but this won’t stop me from making broad and reckless generalizations.
With all this in mind, any of the following characteristics could make you a liberal–then again, maybe not:
- You have a beard (ladies included, of course). If you have a beard because you live in an underground bunker, you’re probably not.
- You compost your bodily wastes. See bunker comment above.
- You don’t bathe regularly. If it’s because you are in prison for insider trading, you’re probably not.
- You draw a check for doing nothing. If your check comes from a trust fund, you’re probably not.
- You have a ponytail. If it is on an actual pony you bought your daughter, you’re probably not.
- You refuse to shop at Wal-Mart. Okay, this cuts both ways.
- Your car is covered in bumper stickers. If any of those sticker say OBUMMER, you’re not.
- You support higher taxes. If you support higher taxes only on people who don’t pay taxes, you’re probably not.
- You believe in big government. If you don’t consider the military part of the government, you’re probably not.
- You’re anti-war. If your anti-war stance applies only to you personally not being in a war, you probably aren’t.
- You’re a socialist. If you don’t know what a socialist is, you’re probably not.
- You’re a communist. No counter-point here. All communists are liberals and vice versa usually.
- You hate Ted Nugent. If you only hate him because he plays that blasted Rock and Roll music, you’re probably not.
- You are smarter than everyone else. If you really are smarter than everyone else, well…you’re smart enough to know the answer.
- You hate all religions. If you hate all religions except your own, you aren’t.
- You own a cat. If the cat is food for your hyena, you aren’t.
- You support universal healthcare. If your support is limited by your belief that Earth is not part of the universe, you aren’t.
- You belong to a minority group. If that minority group is the Mega Billionaire Club, you probably aren’t.
- You hate Ann Coulter. If it’s because she won’t respond to your letters, you’re not.
- You don’t own a gun. If you don’t own one because of some mental health issue, you’re probably aren’t. Then again, you might be. It’s hard to say, really.
Under my proprietary and quite arbitrary scoring system, here are your test results based upon the number of signs which apply to you:
5 or less: You are not liberal. If you think you are, you have been living a lie.
6-10: You have definite liberal leanings. Keep them to yourself around your conservative friends.
11-15: You are a dangerous, free-thinking leftist.
16-20: Total Fidel Castro-loving, Marxist pinko. Or not.
See? It’s pretty simple. Or not.