Twenty Signs You Are A Liberal…Or Not

Are you a liberal? If so, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that the world is confusing these days; thus, you could be misjudging yourself. Some people say I’m liberal. Liberals don’t say that. They say I’m a reactionary capitalist. It confuses me. I’ve always been the type that had difficulty figuring myself out. If you ask: “How are you?” I might respond: “I don’t know. You tell me.”

John F. Kennedy was considered a liberal, but I think he’d be a conservative today. Ronald Reagan is king of the conservatives, but he might be a liberal now. Who knows? I do know that there are definite signs of liberalism, but even those are confusing.

So, I’ve tried to identify the tell-tale signs of liberalism–those traits which expose a closeted liberal to the harsh light of day. These same traits could mean something entirely different, too. It’s all still confusing, but this won’t stop me from making broad and reckless generalizations.

With all this in mind, any of the following characteristics could make you a liberal–then again, maybe not:

You have a beard (ladies included, of course). If you have a beard because you live in an underground bunker, you’re probably not.
You compost your bodily wastes. See bunker comment above.
You don’t bathe regularly. If it’s because you are in prison for insider trading, you’re probably not.
You draw a check for doing nothing. If your check comes from a trust fund, you’re probably not.
You have a ponytail. If it is on an actual pony you bought your daughter, you’re probably not.
You refuse to shop at Wal-Mart. Okay, this cuts both ways.
Your car is covered in bumper stickers. If any of those sticker say OBUMMER, you’re not.
You support higher taxes. If you support higher taxes only on people who don’t pay taxes, you’re probably not.
You believe in big government. If you don’t consider the military part of the government, you’re probably not.
You’re anti-war. If your anti-war stance applies only to you personally not being in a war, you probably aren’t.
You’re a socialist. If you don’t know what a socialist is, you’re probably not.
You’re a communist. No counter-point here. All communists are liberals and vice versa usually.
You hate Ted Nugent. If you only hate him because he plays that blasted Rock and Roll music, you’re probably not.
You are smarter than everyone else. If you really are smarter than everyone else, well…you’re smart enough to know the answer.
You hate all religions. If you hate all religions except your own, you aren’t.
You own a cat. If the cat is food for your hyena, you aren’t.
You support universal healthcare. If your support is limited by your belief that Earth is not part of the universe, you aren’t.
You belong to a minority group. If that minority group is the Mega Billionaire Club, you probably aren’t.
You hate Ann Coulter. If it’s because she won’t respond to your letters, you’re not.
You don’t own a gun. If you don’t own one because of some mental health issue, you’re probably aren’t. Then again, you might be. It’s hard to say, really.

Under my proprietary and quite arbitrary scoring system, here are your test results based upon the number of signs which apply to you:

5 or less: You are not liberal. If you think you are, you have been living a lie.

6-10: You have definite liberal leanings. Keep them to yourself around your conservative friends.

11-15: You are a dangerous, free-thinking leftist.

16-20: Total Fidel Castro-loving, Marxist pinko. Or not.

See? It’s pretty simple. Or not.

©www.thetrivialtroll.com 2014

1 Comment Leave a comment

Are You Conservative or Liberal? Take the Test

I paid more attention to this election cycle than I usually do. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because everyone on social media spewed about the election. That’s probably a good thing. I was able to deduce to things: (1) Liberals hate Mitt Romney; and (2) Conservatives hate Barack Obama. Pretty simple.

What isn’t so simple these days is to figure out if you’re a liberal or a conservative. My archly conservative friends think I’m liberal. My liberal friends think I’m conservative. My staunchly political friends of both stripes can’t believe that any sane person wouldn’t vote a straight ticket in an election. Alas, I am an Independent. For me, a straight ticket is a list of perennial candidates, crackpots and unelectable do-gooders.

Honestly, I’ve tried to figure out where I fall on the political spectrum. Some folks tell me I’m a Libertarian. When I read about Libertarians, I tend to agree; however, when I listen to Libertarians, I vehemently disagree. I often refer to myself as a conservative, but then some real conservative says something insane, and I change my mind.

So, I decided to come up with a simple quiz to help answer this question. As a public service, I have reproduced it below:

I. FOREIGN POLICY:

1. Which statement best describes your views on the anger toward the West in the Middle East?

a) The West is a bunch of capitalist pigs. I am angry toward it, too.

b) They aren’t as angry as I am toward them.

c) Nuke ’em, except Israel.

2. Which group of countries do you consider the greatest threat to world peace?

a) The United States, Great Britain and Israel

b) Canada, Mexico and Greenland

c) North Korea, France and any country where the leaders wear robes.

3. Which statement best describes your views toward China?

a) We must stop all human rights violations in China, even if they don’t want our help

b) We should try not to make them mad since they make all our stuff

c) Nuke ’em

4. What do you think the US role in foreign affairs should be?

a) Become friends with everyone

b) Stay the hell away from foreigners

c) Try to build strong relationships with friendly governments. Nuke the rest of ’em.

5. The biggest risk to America’s security is:

a) American imperialism

b) The federal deficit

c) Everyone who answered “a” to this question.

II. SOCIAL ISSUES

1. Which statement best describes your views on a woman’s right to choose?

a) Women have the unfettered right to choose anything, up to and including the euthanasia of their children under 18 and husbands.

b) Frankly, I haven’t given it much thought. I’m a man.

c) When did this happen?

2. What best describes your reaction to the term “homo-queer?”

a) That’s just another pejorative term for our gay friends and indicative of the hate-mongering on the right.

b) That’s a word my mother once said when she was trying to say “homosexual.”

c) That’s just another example of “political correctness” run wild.

3. What best describes your position on “traditional” marriage?

a) Marriage is loving relationship which should be allowed between or among any two or more people, regardless of sex, age or species.

b) I’m divorced. Don’t get me started.

c) Marriage is a holy union between a man and woman until one gets caught cheating on the other.

4. What best describes your position on immigration?

a) Everyone who sets foot in the US should automatically become a citizen.

b) I don’t care. I’m a foreigner.

c) I’m okay with it, as long as you speak English and look like me.

5. What best describes your religious views?

a) There is no God. And if there is one, he’s a woman.

b) I am God

c) My God is the only god. And he’s a Christian.

III. FISCAL ISSUES

1. Taxes should be increased on:

a) The rich, which is anyone making more money than I do.

b) Anyone except me

c) No one, except the people who don’t make enough money to pay taxes

2. The best way to reform welfare would be to:

a) Make it available to everyone except rich

b) Make it available to me and no one else

c) Eliminate it, except if it is provided to job creators

3. The best way to balance the federal budget would be to:

a) Raise the tax rate on the rich to 120%

b) Suspend Congressional pay until the budget is balanced.

c) Start two wars and then lower taxes.

4. The biggest area of waste in the federal budget is:

a) Subsidies to the rich

b) Congressional pay

c) The food stamps used by those answering “a” to this question

IV. IMAGE ASSOCIATION

1. What is your reaction to this photo?

a) Tingling in various body parts

b) Who is that?

c) AAARRRGGHHH! The Devil!

2. What is your reaction to this photo?

a) AAARRRGGHHH! The Devil!

b) I never could figure out how his hair stayed so dark.

c) Drop to your knees, followed by uncontrollable crying

3. What is your reaction to this photo:

a) Vomit in mouth. Rinse. Repeat.

b) When did Gregg Allman shave?

c) Ooooh. Hootchie Mama!

4. What is your reaction to this photo?

a) More tingling

b) Matt LeBlanc has really let himself go.

c) Vomit in mouth. Swallow. Repeat.

5. What is your reaction to this photo?

a) Another pathetic example of the exploitation of women.

b) Damnation. Sweet.

c) Is that Ann Coulter?

V. TRUE/FALSE

The following are true/false questions

1. President Obama is Kenyan. T or F?

2. President Obama is a Muslim. T or F?

3. President Obama is a terrorist. T or F?

4. Karl Rove is a genius. T or F?

5. Sarah Palin is smokin’ hot. T or F?

For every question you answered “true,” add 10 points. If each you answered false, subtract 5 points.

VI. CONSTITUTIONAL LAW

1. Something is unconstitutional if:

a) I don’t like it

b) I don’t like it

c) I don’t like it

2. Which statement best describes your view of gun control:

a) Guns are evil and should be outlawed regardless of the Constitution

b) I can’t control my guns. That’s why I prefer sleeveless shirts.

c) I firmly believe that all citizens have the right to bear arms and shoot other citizens when necessary or convenient.

3. Which statement best describes your view of states rights:

a) The states have no rights

b) My state is run by idiots. Why would they do any better?

c) States have the right to screw up anything that the federal government hasn’t reserved to its own incompetence.

4. Who wrote the United States Constitution?

a) White bigots

b) Abraham Lincoln

c) God

5. Which statement best describes your view of freedom of religion?

a) Religion should be illegal, unless it’s worshiping something like a tree or the President.

b) Leave me alone

c) You are free to worship as you see fit as long as it is an acceptable form of Christianity

VI. ESSAY

In 1000 words or less, describe the effects of global warming on our climate and the changes you believe must be implemented to save the planet from imminent destruction. Attach your answer on separate sheets.

(If you knew enough to write anything, subtract 25 points. If you laughed out loud after reading this, add 25 points. Any other reaction gives you no points).

SCORING

For each multiple choice question you answered “a,” add 5 points. For each you answered “b,” add 10 points. For each you answered “c,” add 15 points. Then take your score from True/False and Essay questions and add to the total. If any question outraged you to the point that you couldn’t go on, adjust your medication and try again.

Once you’ve added up your total, here is how to interpret the result:

100-150 points: Flaming commie, pinko, socialist Leftist. Kim Jong il is your ideal president.

150-200 points: Dangerous, left-leaning weirdo. Gus Hall is your ideal president.

200-300 points: Disenfranchised everyman. Franklin Pierce is your ideal president.

300-375 points: Dangerous, bloodless, right-wing radical. Joseph McCarthy is your ideal president.

375+ points: Ultra right-wing reactionary. George Lincoln Rockwell is your ideal president.

If you somehow managed to score less than 100 or more than 425, please leave the country immediately.

Now you know what you are. Don’t you feel better? I know I do. Even better, you’ll know how to vote next time around. If you don’t, someone will tell you.

1 Comment Leave a comment

Debating 101: A Primer

My father was fond of saying “This isn’t a high school debate!” whenever I took exception to anything he said. It was his way of saying “Shut the hell up!” That’s pretty much how I would handle a debate if I were a Presidential candidate.

I have never participated in a debate. I’ve argued a lot and even yelled at people, but that’s different. I have been married for almost 25 years, so these types of encounters happen on occasion. That said, I’m sure I would do poorly in a real debate.

I don’t pay that much attention to politics, except for the few issues which interest me. As a result, I’m not fan of political speeches or heated back-and-forth on the issues of the day. I do, however, watch quite a bit of television. Presidential debates are, after all, made-for-TV events. As such they neglect one basic element of good television: Entertainment.

Despite some thinking that 47% of the public has made up its mind about the election, I doubt that. My guess is that 45% are in the bag for Obama and 45% are on the Romney bandwagon. That leaves 10% to decide the leader of the Free World.

Chances are that these folks aren’t much interested in politics, but–like all of us–they want to be entertained. Something has to resonate with these folks–draw them in. I don’t think two stiff politicians droning on about political minutia will do it.

The few debates I’ve watched have been dreadfully dull, like most of the candidates. Given the critical nature of the upcoming presidential debates, I’ve thought about what could be done to spice them up a tad.

The first thing needed is a change in format. Rather than one dullard as a moderator, I would pick a panel of controversial blowhards. My initial thought is to have Keith Olberman, Ann Coulter and Simon Cowell. Instead of the usual mundane questions, they could take turns introducing hot button topics, such as:

You, sir, are a damned liar!
Tell us about Bill Ayres!
Where are your tax returns?
Where is your birth certificate?
Sing your favorite song!
I hate you!
You are a communist!
You are a rich sonofabitch!
You are a Muslim!
You are a Mormon!
You don’t have star power!

After each topic is introduced, each candidate will have two minutes to respond. Our panel, being pathologically unable to stay quiet, will be free to interrupt the responses with their own inane rants.

These changes, while helpful, won’t fix things unless the candidates themselves are willing to make some changes to their own approaches. Below are my suggestions for both candidates:

For Obama:

If asked about the economy, light up a Marlboro and mutter “I don’t know. I just don’t know….”
Demand that Romney make public all his tax returns…and his wives.
Invoke Patriot Act; Declare Romney an Enemy Combatant.
Announce that Biden is being replaced with The Turtle Man so that someone more qualified will be in line for the Presidency.
Throw Osama Bin Laden’s head into the audience, screaming: “I didn’t say anything about not spiking his head!”
If asked about taxes, respond with: “I’m taxing you bastards into the Stone Age.”
Plant Bill Clinton in the audience. Have him interrupt to answer any difficult questions.
At some point, say: “KARL Marx?!?! That’s completely different! All this time, I thought I was following GROUCHO!”
Counter any valid argument with “I’ve got your predator drone, right here!”
Announce plans to end war in Afghanistan; start war in America.

For Romney:

Enter stage with Honey Boo Boo on his shoulders, thus insuring ratings bonanza and currying favor with the 47%.
Announce that he’s legally changed his name to “Mint” and wear gigantic gold dollar sign around neck.
Pointedly challenge Obama: “If you’re really Kenyan, then explain to the public why you can’t run faster than Paul Ryan!”
Draw hilarious caricature of Mohammed.
Drink first cup of coffee ever during debate. Go mental.
Announce plans to invade Canada.
Take vow of poverty, then laugh uncontrollably until time is up.
Respectfully address Obama as “Commissar Commie Pinko Obama.”
Wear a monocle.
Undermine Biden’s inroads with biker-voters by referring to Ann as “my old lady.”

In addition to these specific pointers for the candidates, there are also general tactics which can be used by either candidate. These will insure lively back and forth while not turning off the viewer with wild, controversial stands on important issues.

A tried and true approach is to redirect the question toward a topic you’d really like to discuss. I call this “Debate by Diversion.” Here is an example:

QUESTION: Sir, you have been accused of being vague on specifics. How exactly will you balance the federal budget?

ANSWER: I’m glad you asked that question. A balance budget is vital to our future–and that of our children. I will balance the budget, but–speaking of children–the more important question is why does my opponent continue to deny that he authored a series of erotic novels for children?

This outlandish and baseless accusation will subtly divert the viewer from the mundane budget issues, focusing his or her attention on the more inflammatory topic of adolescent erotica. The opponent will be on the defensive for the remainder of the debate, plus viewers will remain glued to their TVs for the remainder of the debate.

There is also the irrelevant point:

QUESTION: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was long viewed as a staunch ally of the United States. With the rise of the Muslim Brotherhood to power in Egypt, what will you do to re-build our relationship with Egypt?

ANSWER: A strong, democratic Egypt is vital to our interests in the Middle East. I will work with all Egyptians to build a strong relationship based upon mutual respect and peace. Of course, the biggest issue facing us today is the rampant abuse of bath salts, both here in the United States and in Egypt.

The candidate has defused a potentially devastating lack of knowledge of the Middle East by injecting an irrelevant issue into the middle of the debate. Many more undecided voters are likely to be addicted to bath salts than to actually know someone in Egypt.

Then, there is the non-response. If your opponent makes an especially stinging comment, respond: “WhatEVer!” Then, storm out of the room and refuse to speak to your opponent until he apologizes, even though he did nothing wrong. Okay, I’ll admit that won’t improve ratings, but it works. My wife does it all the time.

Finally–and most importantly–do not take a position on anything, except being “Anti-Terrorist” and “Pro-America.” Don’t screw up and become “pro-crime” or “anti-God.” Your ratings will plummet.

Trust me, when you watch the debates, you’ll wish they’d read this. Of course, you can always check out Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and watch the debate highlights on the news. That’s my plan.

2 Comments Leave a comment