I often make predictions. They are often correct. By “often” I mean “sometimes.” For example, I once predicted that every match in the World Cup would end in a 0-0 (or “nil-nil” as we futbol fans say) tie. I was correct 68% of the time. I also predicted that my son would be placed on academic probation based upon his failure to attend any of his classes. Correct again.
Oh, sure, I also predicted that New Coke would be a hit and that Milli Vanilli would launch a successful comeback. It strikes me, though, that predictions mean nothing if I don’t share them with someone. That way, others can perhaps benefit from knowing what’s going to happen or not.
I had an aunt who was a fortune-teller. She had a crystal ball and everything. Madame Ruth, she was called. So, this may be in my blood. Come to think of it, she was only my aunt by marriage. I guess I got it somewhere else.
With this in mind, I offer a few predictions for the coming years–four for each of the next four years. Let’s call it the 4×4 Forecast:
- Beginning immediately, the word “Lebron” will be uttered during every ESPN Sportscenter broadcast until 30 days after the death of Lebron James in 2062.
- Justin Beiber will do something embarrassing in public.
- A politician will become embroiled in a sex scandal.
- You will inadvertently “sext” one of your former teachers resulting in a torrid May-December romance.
- The return of Jesus Christ will receive scant notice in the press as it will occur on the same day as Prince George utters his first word.
- Kim Jong Un will be photographed looking at stuff.
- One of your close friends will obtain a copy of the Gay Agenda and recruit you into homosexuality.
- Revisionist historians will connect the late Junior Samples to the Kennedy Assassination.
- Texas Governor Rick Perry will stab Jim Lehrer with a fountain pen during a televised debate in an effort to buy time to think of an answer.
- Abe Lincoln will leap from the grave sometime during April.
- You will see someone you are sure you know but you will not remember his or her name.
- As expected, a Clinton takes the White House. Not so expected, it will musician George Clinton who will rename Washington, D.C. “Funkadelphia.”
- In early March, the EPA will surprisingly announce that global warming is actually a good thing.
- Violence will break out among radicalized Anabaptists resulting in numerous suicide buggy attacks on barns throughout Ohio and Pennsylvania.
- After having experienced Same Sex Divorce, the LGBT community will lead a campaign to ban Same Sex Marriage.
- The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series. (Okay, I just made that one up.)
So, there you have it. Four predictions a year for four years. Some of it will happen. Or not.
I will personally sucker punch the sorry s.o.b. that disparages the good name of the late great Junior Samples.