Amazing Hard-to-Believe Trivia

Now that I’ve grabbed you with that stunning title, I must confess that none of what you will read here is either amazing or hard to believe, that is, unless you really haven’t done or seen much in your life.  Maybe you’re 2 years old.  If so, the fact that you can read is amazing and hard to believe in itself.

Regardless, this is trivia, which is defined as “matters or things that are very unimportant, inconsequential, or nonessential.”  What is this trivia about?  Me, of course.  It’s Me Trivia.  Perhaps you have certain trivia about yourself which you find interesting.  That is what we call You Trivia, and you won’t find any of that here unless, by sheer coincidence, we share certain common trivialities.

Here we go:

  1. I’m afraid of heights, terrified in fact.  Enclosed places don’t bother me.  For example, flying is no big deal.  However, standing on a balcony three stories up or climbing a ladder are problematic.
  2. I’m 5 feet, 8 inches tall.  I could swear I was 5′ 9″ at one time.
  3. I have tiny feet.  Size 8–like matchboxes.  I’m surprised that I can even keep my balance.
  4. I have a terrible jump shot.  It’s a flat, no spin heave.
  5. I have difficulty telling left from right.
  6. I haven’t driven a stick shift in 30+ years, and I don’t expect to ever drive one again.
  7. I have vomited in public–more than once.
  8. I have a massive baseball card collection.
  9. I’m a tad claustrophobic
  10. I met Chuck Norris.
  11. I also met Captain Kangaroo.
  12. For some reason, I tried to learn how to juggle–and failed.
  13. I can’t go to my left, assuming I know which direction that is.
  14. I quit playing golf after I beat a pitching wedge against a tree.
  15. I have had drinks thrown on me–several times.
  16. For reasons that baffle me, I really like Gordon Lightfoot’s The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
  17. I have never felt like dancing.  Not even one time.
  18. I haven’t been in many fights, but I always fight dirty.
  19. Apocalypse Now is my favorite film.
  20. Slaughterhouse Five is my favorite book.  Or maybe it’s East of Eden.
  21. Crickets are the most terrifying of God’s creatures.
  22. It is well-known in some circles that I was runner-up in the Loyall Spelling Bee.
  23. I’ve never heard a Jim Croce song that I didn’t like.
  24. I find Tina Fey attractive.
  25. I always think foreign people will understand me if I yell at them.

So, there they are:  25 facts about me.  Now you know me better, and isn’t that what we all want?  Of course, I know you no better than I ever did, which suits me just fine.  That’s not to say that you aren’t fascinating in your own right.  It’s just that I remain more interested in me.  One final piece of trivia:  I was once evaluated as borderline narcissistic.  I didn’t include that, because it was obviously done by a quack.


My Random Inner-Dialogue

I don’t get too worked about the news.  At my age (almost 51), I am supposed to huff and pontificate about the news of the world.  I just don’t.  This may be where my narcissism pays dividends.  Most of what I read just doesn’t get my attention.  There are exceptions, of course.

Larry King used to do a column where he strung together random thoughts about everything.  It was like reading someone’s inner monologue.  I think he wrote that for USA Today.  Earlier in his career, he did a similar column for The Sporting News, except it was limited to sports. The Bob and Tom radio show parodies it to great effect.   I’ve decided that I will do that occasionally.  Here brief comments on the things on my mind these days:

The Yankees would rather have a team full of Steve Howe copycats than one Alex Rodriguez...Hope Edward Snowden enjoys Russia where dissent is embraced…Speaking of which, FREE PUSSY RIOT ! (I just like saying that)…Did you know that the Royal Family’s real name is Saxe-Coburg and Gotha?  Can’t blame them for changing it to Windsor…I’m guessing that almost no one can find Benghazi on a map–I know I can’t…We gave King George III a “royal” ass-beating.  Hope Prince Georgie remembers that…Ryan Braun just looks like someone I wouldn’t like…Seems like Amanda Bynes needs therapy…If my son gets another tattoo, I’m going to carve out one of the other ones…When did the IRS start picking on people?…

On Wednesday, I saw a guy with a huge goiter–that’s just not necessary these days…Ariel Castro will find that the last 1000 years in prison really flies by…If you’ve had testicular torsion, I know your pain…Marcus Vick offered a $1000 bounty on Riley Cooper–where the Hell did he get $1000?…This Whitey Bulger seems like a bad sort…If you see only one movie this year, it probably shouldn’t star Adam Sandler…Don’t ever let someone punch you in the throat…I’ve never seen a single episode of any of the sundry CSI TV shows…Bud Selig looks like an unmade bed…There is almost no chance that I am the biological father of Megan Fox’s children…I dare you to burn your own car…You can’t put a good spin on stomping a vagrant…Lindsay Lohan has a lot of freckles…There is a woman at my gym so pretty that she makes me want to weep…

Mama June on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo looks remarkably like Fat Elvis…I have a wart on my hand that  is impervious to modern medicine…I know a guy who got shot by cop.  He said it hurt like Hell…Say what you will, but Carlos Danger is a kick-ass name…I’ve never felt like dancing…If you can run a 4.4 40 yard dash, you should play a sport…Road House is a perfect film…Typing is the only thing I retained from high school…Rabbits have razor-sharp teeth…I’ve never had a problem with gluten…Fred Gwynne was a good actor…Tina Fey is quite fetching…Politics aside, Nancy Pelosi and Michelle Bachmann are both repellant…Glenn Campbell is a hell of a guitar player…I met Chuck NorrisCaptain Kangaroo, too…I currently have a headache…I don’t sleep well, except for napping…I like Reese’s Cup Blizzards…My wife is more attractive than I am…So are my kids…My Granny had a dog named Mousie…Juggling is very difficult to master…I’ve never had a good vomiting experience…I believe everyone has thought about robbing a bank…If there were a medicine to make my hands bigger, I’d take it…Sometimes, I hear voices, but they’re friendly…I haven’t punched a wall in a long time…I would make for a really homely woman…Rob Lowe, though, would be beautiful…

Why can’t people on TV hear me?…I can influence the outcome of sporting events…My vote counts…I’d kill Wolverine in a fight…Women who don’t find me attractive are lesbians…Is Claude Akins dead?…Aquaman is an idiotic superhero…

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy…Sham a lam a ding dong…Who do you think you’re talking to?…They’re always talking about me…What are you looking at?…

Boy, that didn’t turn out like I expected.  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.  I’ll just keep this stuff to myself from now on.

© 2013