“Great” Britain: Satan of the North Sea

Some months ago, I posted my simple plan for swift and decisive military action against our “neighbors” to the North, that deplorable hell hole known as Canada. As I expected, neither of our feckless presidential candidates dared to cross the amoral overlords of that frozen wasteland. Sure, I might have had a visit from the Department of Homeland Security, but they were no more interested in my carefully crafted strategy than your average mush-dog driving Canuck. After they tasered me a couple of times, I dropped the subject.

Why does no one take me seriously? How can right-thinking Americans simply sit back and await the inevitable decay and destruction of our great country? I’ve thought a lot about this, and I have the answer. Canada is merely a pawn, a Trojan Horse if you will. The REAL danger lies far to the East in Jolly Old England. Our old oppressors and so-called allies pull the strings.

That’s right–England (if that’s what it really is). Is it England? Or Britain? Or GREAT Britain? What the hell is the United Kingdom? The Commonwealth of Nations? They have a staggering number of names for the place. What’s in the United Kingdom? England and Northern Ireland, I guess. What about Scotland? I think so, although I’ve seen Braveheart a bunch of times, and I’d cut those violent, skirt-wearing, bagpipe-playing loonies a wide path. Wales? I guess so. My ancestors came from Wales, and I’ve never heard anything about it being a country. Then again, I don’t pay much attention to current events. Maybe it is a country. How the hell should I know? I know Northern Ireland is part of it because they used to blow up a lot of stuff. What about Canada? I have no idea, but it seems like they are part of the same Axis of Evil. I’m pretty sure Australia isn’t part it, because that’s where England dumped all their convicts, at least the ones that didn’t end up in America.

Their government is sketchy, to say the least. Have you ever watch Parliament on CSPAN? It consists of people standing up and flipping through notebooks while exchanging insults. I’m torn between thinking it is the ultimate democracy or a Monty Python skit.

So, I suppose England is part of the UK which is a collection of countries. Sounds like Communism to me. That alone should make them our enemy. But there are other equally compelling reasons to take Draconian measures against this “nation.”

THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR

I know, the war is over. Really? What makes you so sure? The Treaty of Paris was supposed to take care of that, but allow me to point out something that the mainstream media conveniently ignores. King George III was well-known to be totally insane. As such, I question his competency to agree to anything (there’s a little lawyering for you, free of charge). Any day, those Brits can back up on that deal and start trying to tax us to death again. (One small upside is that The Tea Party’s name will then make a little sense). I say strike first and put an end to the war once and for all.

THE ROYAL FAMILY

Americans love the Royals, you say. So what? We have a perverted fascination with celebrities, especially those famous for only being famous. Each generation has its vacuous icons from Zsa Zsa Gabor to Paris Hilton to Honey Boo Boo. This fundamental flaw in our national character does not justify royalty.

There is a QUEEN of England. Think about that. A Queen and bunch of princes and princesses, Dukes, Earls and whatnot. Why? No one knows. The Queen isn’t really in charge of anything. She’s just the Queen. Check out her official title:

Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of Her other Realms and Territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith

Wow. Is it really much different than Idi Amin’s title?

His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular and the Last King of Scotland.

Actually, Elizabeth is the Queen of Scotland, I think. Do you know her name? Elizabeth Windsor. That’s a damn nice name–but not as nice as being a QUEEN, I guess–but it sounds like a name a pretty girl would have.

HA! HA! We laugh at you commoners!

I’m not suggesting anything bad happen to the Royal Family. I’m not French, for God’s sake. It’s just a bit of silliness that we can do without. There are many “royal” families, but you don’t see us falling all over ourselves over King Michael of Romania or Ahmad Shah Khan, Crown Prince of Afghanistan.

Once we take over, the Royals can be American celebrities. Instead of being exalted as better than the rest of us, they can have reality TV shows like our other celebs

Will, Kate and Kate Plus 8: Hilarity ensues when Will and Kate inexplicably move in with Kate Gosselin.
The Amish Royal: Prince Harry lives the life of an Amish man on a farm in Central Ohio.
Toddlers and Tiaras–The Royal Addition: Elizabeth is hired to coach Honey Boo Boo for her many pageant appearances. Plus, she moves in with the family, forcing her to fight off the unwanted advances of Sugar Bear.
Princess Anne–Bigfoot Hunter: The title is self-explanatory.

These are just a few of the ideas that immediately come to mind. The Royals will provide us an endless supply of entertainment.

THE WARS

What do the American Revolutionary War, The War of 1812, World War I and World War II have in common? The British forced us into all of them. Okay, I’m not sure about the War of 1812, but I think that’s right. On the other three, I’m dead certain.

In both World Wars, we were forced to save their asses from the Germans. If it weren’t for us, they’d be goose-stepping in front of Buckingham Palace right now. Arguably, the Japanese forced us into WWII, but why do you think we were in Europe? To save France? Don’t make me laugh. England. Plain and simple.

Now, check out this little bit of history:

Germany tries to take over the world.
England starts getting its ass kicked.
USA jumps into WWI.
German ass is kicked.
Germany is torn apart
Germany becomes a democracy.
Germany becomes a bunch of Nazis.
Germany tries to take over the world.
England starts getting its ass kicked
USA jumps into WWII
Germany gets its ass kicked.
Germany gets torn apart again.
Germany becomes a democracy again.
???????

Do you see a pattern here? Hopefully, they’ll skip the Nazi thing this time, but it’s clear that the Germans will try to take over the world again. Then, we’re right back in another war. How is this England’s fault, you ask? It is obvious that they are particularly offensive to Germans and an inviting target as well. But, imagine if they were part of the old US of A? We are the most powerful warriors the planet has ever seen! The Germans will stay right where they are, except maybe for overrunning France. Again, who cares?

NUCLEAR THREAT

England has to have nuclear weapons, doesn’t it? Indian and Pakistan do, so England has to. I’ll just assume that’s correct. Imagine if those weapons fell into the hands of the Scots with their fiery temperaments and willingness do battle. How about Northern Ireland? Violent drunks–good lord. Is there any other country full of such unstable sorts that we would allow to have WMD (other than us, of course)? We take over and seize all the weapons. The world will be safer for it. I expect at least one Nobel Peace Prize for this idea alone.

GENERAL GOOFINESS

The pure silliness of the Brits is enough to justify military action. Their penchant for monocles, top hats and tailcoats. Their odd money–pounds, pence, quids and guineas. But, it’s their language which reduces them to little more than a sideshow. Consider that they say–and understand–the following:

I attend University.
I am going on holiday.
I am queued up.
I say, old man, where is the wash closet?
I’ve stored that in my boot.
My lorry needs petrol.
I’m cheesed off at your cockup!
He’s a beastly bugger–a bit of an arse.
I enjoy a fag with my tea.
She’s such a jammy bird, why is she with that josser?
Don’t give me any of your cheek, you git!

To their credit, their accents make them sound smart, at least until some of that nonsense starts pouring out. If you’re Scottish or Irish, you have the added disadvantage of also being incomprehensible.

THE PLAN

You may think conquering England, Britain, Great Britain, The United Kingdom and The Commonwealth of Nations is a daunting task. I think not. I’m sure our military leaders have already planned out a takeover “just in case.” If not, I have devised a simple strategy to crush them. Here is my plan:

We establish a beach head in Southern Ireland with the cooperation of our Irish friends whom we will ply with strong drink.
We will proceed on land across Ireland. Those who are not dead drunk after that march will stage an attack on Northern Ireland.
We will roll through Northern Ireland chanting anti-British slogans lulling them into inaction. Northern Ireland will then serve as our base of operations.
Simultaneously, we will invade Wales. I can’t imagine they have a military.
Once the Scots get wind of our invasion, they will rise up again, paint their faces blue and attack England from the north. Just to be safe, once the war is over, we’ll build a huge peat wall to keep them at bay.
Once hemmed in, the Brits will surrender realizing that no Americans are available to save them.
Scotland and England will be combined into one land–Fabulous America.
Northern Ireland will become a penal colony for political dissidents.
As my ancestral homeland, I will grant Wales its independence but only as a puppet state. One condition–Tom Jones has to be named President.
Crest White Strips will be distributed throughout the country by air drop, thus winning the hearts of the people.

Wales President-for-Life Tom Jones

Bye, bye “Great” Britain. Hello, Fabulous America! With their overlords crushed, those hockey-playing Canadian goons will be vanquished to the scrap heap of history. What then?

: This map shows the proposed invasion route and how the UK will look after it is liberated.

I suppose every group of savages has its redeeming qualities. The same is true of the British. Their humor is excellent. Monty Python, Marty Feldman, Harry Enfield and Benny Hill are just a few of their entertaining sorts. Certainly, their music has been fine with The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Bon Scott and Led Zeppelin. We’ll preserve some of that.

This statue of Bon Scott isn’t even in Scotland. It’s in Australia. I’ll fix that.

Beyond those few attributes, the rest of their culture will be wiped out. No more bangers and mash. Beer will be served cold–not luke warm. French fries are French fries–not chips. They’ll eat cookies, not biscuits. Iced tea will be iced. Football is football, not soccer. Quit boiling all your food. Drive on the correct side of the road. Our cops aren’t called bobbies, and they carry guns. Everyone else does, too, so get armed, and Bob’s your uncle!

In this new world, the USA is supreme, if it isn’t already. France will reflexively surrender (old habits die hard, you know). Canada will fall without even a whimper. And that, old chap, will be jolly good. Now, bugger off.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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Canada: The Slumbering Menace

We live in the shadow of the Maple Leaf.

North Korea is in the news a lot these days, yet I find myself pondering larger issues, instead of my usual concerns about whether I’ll miss the latest episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo or when I’ll get my nap. I offer this as a warning of which I hope our leaders, whomever they might be, will take heed.

I’ll confess that I don’t keep abreast of geopolitical issues. One might say that I don’t have a “world view” of things. One might also say that I don’t pay much “attention.” Both are true. I am hamstrung by an ignorance of geography which is a result of my poor sense of direction. I have never been able to readily tell left from right, for example. When I think of the world, I sense the U.S. in the middle with lots of Spanish-speaking people to the south, Europe to the right; somewhere south of that is the dreaded Middle East; Africa is below that; way to the right is Russia; Asia is somewhere WAY out there; there is nothing to the left but Hawaii.

I also can’t keep track of all the countries. I’ve never heard of most of the countries in Africa. Don’t get me started on the sundry island countries scattered about.

I watch quite a bit of TV, though. As result, I do know some things. Ronald Reagan spoke of the Axis of Evil: The Soviet Union, Iran and North Korea. John Bolton listed Cuba, Libya and Syria as Beyond the Axis of Evil. George W. Bush taught me about The Evil Doers–Iran, North Korea, Iraq and random freelance terrorists. Condoleeza Rice added the Outposts of Tyranny: Belarus, Zimbabwe and Myanmar. There are a LOT of threats out there.

Since we overthrew the government of Iraq, I guess they’re not evil anymore. An example of my ignorance is that I have no idea who the President/Prime Minister/King/Dictator of Iraq is. Oh, you don’t either? I feel slightly better.

You can probably also surmise that I have trouble focusing on one topic. This, too, keeps me from dwelling very long on world events. Where was I?

While many Americans wring their hands over such mundane topics as health care, deficits, random shootings, war and what not, I have focused on a much insidious threat to our security–our so-called neighbors to the North.

Most Americans fear the Mexicans. Well, maybe not most, but a goodly number do anyway. Why? They look different. They sound different. Like my German ancestors, they don’t have the common courtesy to learn English before the come here. Here’s how Americans historically thought of foreigners:

If the Japanese really looked like this, we would have lost World War II out of sheer terror.

So fearful were we of the Japanese, that we sent Japanese-Americans off to fight for the US, while we housed their families in concentration camps. With a history like that, one would think we would be prepared against any foreign threat. Think again.

Canadians, of course, strike no such fear in us. Why not? They look like us, more or less–except perhaps a bit duller. They also speak English, except for the ones who–for reasons still obscure–speak French, for God’s sake. Plus, I can’t remember them ever winning a war.

I, for one, am not fooled. I’m quite confident that our border with Canada is every bit as porous as the one with Mexico. I offer this warning to all right-thinking Americans. Why be concerned? Read on.

O! Canada!

Have you ever heard their national anthem? It’s beautiful. It makes you swell with Canadian pride. Ours, on the other hand, is an unsingable poem set to music. The Canadians know this. That’s why theirs is so much better. If you hear it, you want to be one of them, even if just for a moment. That momentary weakness is all it takes to begin the slide down the slippery slope to Canadianism.

Hockey

We all know they play hockey in Canada. We play it, too, but mostly with Canadians. It was once observed that Canadians taught the French to play hockey, which Europeans have never been able to do. They haven’t had the same success with Americans. At one time, US hockey was confined to places like New York, Philadelphia, Detroit and Chicago, places so far north that they are practically part of Canada anyway. Now, we have hockey in California, Tennessee, North Carolina, Florida–everywhere. What better way to infiltrate our country than by distributing their toothless, hockey-playing goons around our great nation. Plus, this gives them ample opportunity to indoctrinate more Americans with their entrancing national anthem. Well played.

Their Culture

What do we really know of the Canadian culture? Oh, we’ve all eaten their bacon, which really isn’t bacon at all. Ice-fishing is probably popular. I’ll grant them the contributions of Steve Nash, Alex Trebek, Geddy Lee and Pamela Anderson to our culture. Beyond those minor accomplishments, what do they offer us?

Here’s food for thought: I read somewhere that they embrace multiculturalism. I don’t even know what that means, but Glenn Beck says it’s really bad. It sure sounds bad.

First off, although they speak English, it’s not really English, is it? Do you want your kids going around saying “aboot” instead of “about?” How about sprinkling your conversations with “eh?” It will render our language incomprehensible. Your kid will no longer be in the 3rd grade. No, he’ll be in “Grade 3.” You’ll soon be wearing a tuque on your head. Welcome to the Great White North, my friends.

They don’t even speak English everywhere, either. Part of the country speaks French. Not just any French, but some kind of weird-sounding French that could be spoken on Pluto for all I know. I had a trial once where a witness was a French-speaking Canadian. His ridiculous French-like accent combined with my Eastern Kentucky mumble left the jury baffled. Wouldn’t that be nice to deal with every day?

The Canadians keep their culture under wraps for the most part. Beyond the greatness of Rush, what do we know of their music? Their cinema? William Shatner is, of course, their greatest actor, but he made his bones in the good old U.S. of A.

Canada’s idea of entertainment. A typical Canadian woman attempts to corrupt the morals of our youth.

The number one occupation in Canada is lumberjack, followed closely by illiterate fisherman. Their policemen dress in Fancy Dan garb that would embarrass Siegfried and Roy.

I know nothing of their religion and don’t want to. Suffice to say that it likely involves snow gods.

Canada boasts a much a lower violent crime rate than the U.S., even though they own a hell of a lot of guns. This just proves that they lack the wherewithal to be a major player on the world stage. They didn’t even wipe out all their Indians like we did. Americans are hot-headed and prone to violence. Look at our respective records on serial killers. The U.S. is a veritable serial killing playground. As far as I know, Canada has had own notorious serial killer, Robert Pickton, and they called him the “Pig Farm Killer.” Seriously. Oooh, scary.

THEIR “GOVERNMENT”

Like most people, I don’t know what form of government they have, other than some form of socialism. They seem to swear allegiance to the Queen of England, so maybe they’re a British territory or part of the Commonwealth of Nations, whatever the hell that is. They’re probably Communists.

Lest you think I’m exaggerating, the Queen is on some of their money. Bet you thought it Wayne Gretzky or Alan Thicke. Obviously, they’ve sworn some sort of allegiance to the Crown. I don’t need to remind you that we fought a little war back in 1776 to get away from that kind of thing. Speaking of their money, check this out:

Inexplicably, Jimmy Hoffa adorns the Canadian $50 bill.

It doesn’t even look like money. It looks like a napkin or a bus pass. Have you ever gotten one of their quarters and tried to use it in a Coke machine? Surprise!! NO COKE FOR YOU!! I say keep your money in Canada.

But, don’t they have a great healthcare system? According a bunch of emails I’ve gotten, you can get prescription drugs really cheap in Canada over the Internet. Great. Now, we can assure that our entire country is drug-addled or in some constant state of arousal further eroding our moral foundation. Just what we need.

They also have universal healthcare. Think about that. “Universal?” What kind of crazy “one-world” bunch of fellow travelers are these people? If you go to the doctor in Canada, you have to wait 10-12 hours just to get weighed and then they give your weight in kilos or stones or some other incomprehensible measure than no civilized person would understand. No thank you, Commissar.

A SIMPLE SOLUTION

For years, I’ve written the Pentagon urging a preemptive strike on Canada. Other than a few uncomfortable interviews with the FBI, I’ve never gotten a response. Thus, I’m left with presenting a modest proposal to stop the Northern Horde in its tracks before it’s too late:

Outlaw hockey in the Continental United States. I believe this can be done under the auspices of the Patriot Act.
Once hockey is outlawed, most Canadians will leave the U.S. Those who don’t can be sent to Gitmo.
Dig a moat on the Canadian border (except the Great Lakes which will serve as their own moat). It should be 50 feet wide and 20 feet deep. I know what you’re thinking. Won’t the Canadians just swim across like they do in Mexico? No. It will be too damn cold. Plus, they all wear flannel and would surely get weighted down and drown.
Once the moat is in place, launch a series of surgical drone strikes knocking out their breweries and skating rinks. In the ensuing turmoil, declare Canada to be part of the United States.

Once we’ve declared victory, redraw the Canadian map as follows:

New Canada, a safe place for all Americans, except the part where we’ll be testing our chemical weaponry.

By dividing New Canada into five distinct zones, I have eliminated the threat:

ZONE 1: Gulag: This will be used as detention facility for those native Canadians unwillingly to embrace the American way of life.

ZONE 2: Chemical Test Area: This will be reserved for testing America’s impressive chemical weapons cache. It will also be used for storage and disposal of our massive pile of nuclear waste.

ZONE 3: Reservation: This will be the home of those Canadians willing to embrace American ideals.

ZONE 4: Hockey: This is where the hockey will be played.

ZONE 5: French: We really don’t want to fool with the French whom Bart Simpson aptly described as “rifle-dropping surrender monkeys.” Those who can’t move to France will live here. That way, if we have a war we want to lose, they’ll be close by.

Too radical you say? Neville Chamberlain would have been well-advised to have been so radical when dealing with Hitler. Just don’t blame me if you wake up one day and lumberjacks are chopping down your door looking for house pets to chain to their sleds. You might as well get fitted for a pair of mukluks, my friend.

Don’t expect to hear either of our so-called American leaders address these issues. Note that in the 2012 Presidential election neither candidate produced a shred of proof to show that he wasn’t born in Canada. By their silence, they sow the seeds of our destruction. Oh, well, God save the Queen. Eh?

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