Some months ago, I posted my simple plan for swift and decisive military action against our “neighbors” to the North, that deplorable hell hole known as Canada. As I expected, neither of our feckless presidential candidates dared to cross the amoral overlords of that frozen wasteland. Sure, I might have had a visit from the Department of Homeland Security, but they were no more interested in my carefully crafted strategy than your average mush-dog driving Canuck. After they tasered me a couple of times, I dropped the subject.
Why does no one take me seriously? How can right-thinking Americans simply sit back and await the inevitable decay and destruction of our great country? I’ve thought a lot about this, and I have the answer. Canada is merely a pawn, a Trojan Horse if you will. The REAL danger lies far to the East in Jolly Old England. Our old oppressors and so-called allies pull the strings.
That’s right–England (if that’s what it really is). Is it England? Or Britain? Or GREAT Britain? What the hell is the United Kingdom? The Commonwealth of Nations? They have a staggering number of names for the place. What’s in the United Kingdom? England and Northern Ireland, I guess. What about Scotland? I think so, although I’ve seen Braveheart a bunch of times, and I’d cut those violent, skirt-wearing, bagpipe-playing loonies a wide path. Wales? I guess so. My ancestors came from Wales, and I’ve never heard anything about it being a country. Then again, I don’t pay much attention to current events. Maybe it is a country. How the hell should I know? I know Northern Ireland is part of it because they used to blow up a lot of stuff. What about Canada? I have no idea, but it seems like they are part of the same Axis of Evil. I’m pretty sure Australia isn’t part it, because that’s where England dumped all their convicts, at least the ones that didn’t end up in America.
Their government is sketchy, to say the least. Have you ever watch Parliament on CSPAN? It consists of people standing up and flipping through notebooks while exchanging insults. I’m torn between thinking it is the ultimate democracy or a Monty Python skit.
So, I suppose England is part of the UK which is a collection of countries. Sounds like Communism to me. That alone should make them our enemy. But there are other equally compelling reasons to take Draconian measures against this “nation.”
THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR
I know, the war is over. Really? What makes you so sure? The Treaty of Paris was supposed to take care of that, but allow me to point out something that the mainstream media conveniently ignores. King George III was well-known to be totally insane. As such, I question his competency to agree to anything (there’s a little lawyering for you, free of charge). Any day, those Brits can back up on that deal and start trying to tax us to death again. (One small upside is that The Tea Party’s name will then make a little sense). I say strike first and put an end to the war once and for all.
THE ROYAL FAMILY
Americans love the Royals, you say. So what? We have a perverted fascination with celebrities, especially those famous for only being famous. Each generation has its vacuous icons from Zsa Zsa Gabor to Paris Hilton to Honey Boo Boo. This fundamental flaw in our national character does not justify royalty.
There is a QUEEN of England. Think about that. A Queen and bunch of princes and princesses, Dukes, Earls and whatnot. Why? No one knows. The Queen isn’t really in charge of anything. She’s just the Queen. Check out her official title:
Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of Her other Realms and Territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith
Wow. Is it really much different than Idi Amin’s title?
His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular and the Last King of Scotland.
Actually, Elizabeth is the Queen of Scotland, I think. Do you know her name? Elizabeth Windsor. That’s a damn nice name–but not as nice as being a QUEEN, I guess–but it sounds like a name a pretty girl would have.
I’m not suggesting anything bad happen to the Royal Family. I’m not French, for God’s sake. It’s just a bit of silliness that we can do without. There are many “royal” families, but you don’t see us falling all over ourselves over King Michael of Romania or Ahmad Shah Khan, Crown Prince of Afghanistan.
Once we take over, the Royals can be American celebrities. Instead of being exalted as better than the rest of us, they can have reality TV shows like our other celebs
- Will, Kate and Kate Plus 8: Hilarity ensues when Will and Kate inexplicably move in with Kate Gosselin.
- The Amish Royal: Prince Harry lives the life of an Amish man on a farm in Central Ohio.
- Toddlers and Tiaras–The Royal Addition: Elizabeth is hired to coach Honey Boo Boo for her many pageant appearances. Plus, she moves in with the family, forcing her to fight off the unwanted advances of Sugar Bear.
- Princess Anne–Bigfoot Hunter: The title is self-explanatory.
These are just a few of the ideas that immediately come to mind. The Royals will provide us an endless supply of entertainment.
What do the American Revolutionary War, The War of 1812, World War I and World War II have in common? The British forced us into all of them. Okay, I’m not sure about the War of 1812, but I think that’s right. On the other three, I’m dead certain.
In both World Wars, we were forced to save their asses from the Germans. If it weren’t for us, they’d be goose-stepping in front of Buckingham Palace right now. Arguably, the Japanese forced us into WWII, but why do you think we were in Europe? To save France? Don’t make me laugh. England. Plain and simple.
Now, check out this little bit of history:
- Germany tries to take over the world.
- England starts getting its ass kicked.
- USA jumps into WWI.
- German ass is kicked.
- Germany is torn apart
- Germany becomes a democracy.
- Germany becomes a bunch of Nazis.
- Germany tries to take over the world.
- England starts getting its ass kicked
- USA jumps into WWII
- Germany gets its ass kicked.
- Germany gets torn apart again.
- Germany becomes a democracy again.
Do you see a pattern here? Hopefully, they’ll skip the Nazi thing this time, but it’s clear that the Germans will try to take over the world again. Then, we’re right back in another war. How is this England’s fault, you ask? It is obvious that they are particularly offensive to Germans and an inviting target as well. But, imagine if they were part of the old US of A? We are the most powerful warriors the planet has ever seen! The Germans will stay right where they are, except maybe for overrunning France. Again, who cares?
England has to have nuclear weapons, doesn’t it? Indian and Pakistan do, so England has to. I’ll just assume that’s correct. Imagine if those weapons fell into the hands of the Scots with their fiery temperaments and willingness do battle. How about Northern Ireland? Violent drunks–good lord. Is there any other country full of such unstable sorts that we would allow to have WMD (other than us, of course)? We take over and seize all the weapons. The world will be safer for it. I expect at least one Nobel Peace Prize for this idea alone.
The pure silliness of the Brits is enough to justify military action. Their penchant for monocles, top hats and tailcoats. Their odd money–pounds, pence, quids and guineas. But, it’s their language which reduces them to little more than a sideshow. Consider that they say–and understand–the following:
- I attend University.
- I am going on holiday.
- I am queued up.
- I say, old man, where is the wash closet?
- I’ve stored that in my boot.
- My lorry needs petrol.
- I’m cheesed off at your cockup!
- He’s a beastly bugger–a bit of an arse.
- I enjoy a fag with my tea.
- She’s such a jammy bird, why is she with that josser?
- Don’t give me any of your cheek, you git!
To their credit, their accents make them sound smart, at least until some of that nonsense starts pouring out. If you’re Scottish or Irish, you have the added disadvantage of also being incomprehensible.
You may think conquering England, Britain, Great Britain, The United Kingdom and The Commonwealth of Nations is a daunting task. I think not. I’m sure our military leaders have already planned out a takeover “just in case.” If not, I have devised a simple strategy to crush them. Here is my plan:
- We establish a beach head in Southern Ireland with the cooperation of our Irish friends whom we will ply with strong drink.
- We will proceed on land across Ireland. Those who are not dead drunk after that march will stage an attack on Northern Ireland.
- We will roll through Northern Ireland chanting anti-British slogans lulling them into inaction. Northern Ireland will then serve as our base of operations.
- Simultaneously, we will invade Wales. I can’t imagine they have a military.
- Once the Scots get wind of our invasion, they will rise up again, paint their faces blue and attack England from the north. Just to be safe, once the war is over, we’ll build a huge peat wall to keep them at bay.
- Once hemmed in, the Brits will surrender realizing that no Americans are available to save them.
- Scotland and England will be combined into one land–Fabulous America.
- Northern Ireland will become a penal colony for political dissidents.
- As my ancestral homeland, I will grant Wales its independence but only as a puppet state. One condition–Tom Jones has to be named President.
- Crest White Strips will be distributed throughout the country by air drop, thus winning the hearts of the people.
Bye, bye “Great” Britain. Hello, Fabulous America! With their overlords crushed, those hockey-playing Canadian goons will be vanquished to the scrap heap of history. What then?
I suppose every group of savages has its redeeming qualities. The same is true of the British. Their humor is excellent. Monty Python, Marty Feldman, Harry Enfield and Benny Hill are just a few of their entertaining sorts. Certainly, their music has been fine with The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Bon Scott and Led Zeppelin. We’ll preserve some of that.
Beyond those few attributes, the rest of their culture will be wiped out. No more bangers and mash. Beer will be served cold–not luke warm. French fries are French fries–not chips. They’ll eat cookies, not biscuits. Iced tea will be iced. Football is football, not soccer. Quit boiling all your food. Drive on the correct side of the road. Our cops aren’t called bobbies, and they carry guns. Everyone else does, too, so get armed, and Bob’s your uncle!
In this new world, the USA is supreme, if it isn’t already. France will reflexively surrender (old habits die hard, you know). Canada will fall without even a whimper. And that, old chap, will be jolly good. Now, bugger off.