North Korea is in the news a lot these days, yet I find myself pondering larger issues, instead of my usual concerns about whether I’ll miss the latest episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo or when I’ll get my nap. I offer this as a warning of which I hope our leaders, whomever they might be, will take heed.
I’ll confess that I don’t keep abreast of geopolitical issues. One might say that I don’t have a “world view” of things. One might also say that I don’t pay much “attention.” Both are true. I am hamstrung by an ignorance of geography which is a result of my poor sense of direction. I have never been able to readily tell left from right, for example. When I think of the world, I sense the U.S. in the middle with lots of Spanish-speaking people to the south, Europe to the right; somewhere south of that is the dreaded Middle East; Africa is below that; way to the right is Russia; Asia is somewhere WAY out there; there is nothing to the left but Hawaii.
I also can’t keep track of all the countries. I’ve never heard of most of the countries in Africa. Don’t get me started on the sundry island countries scattered about.
I watch quite a bit of TV, though. As result, I do know some things. Ronald Reagan spoke of the Axis of Evil: The Soviet Union, Iran and North Korea. John Bolton listed Cuba, Libya and Syria as Beyond the Axis of Evil. George W. Bush taught me about The Evil Doers–Iran, North Korea, Iraq and random freelance terrorists. Condoleeza Rice added the Outposts of Tyranny: Belarus, Zimbabwe and Myanmar. There are a LOT of threats out there.
Since we overthrew the government of Iraq, I guess they’re not evil anymore. An example of my ignorance is that I have no idea who the President/Prime Minister/King/Dictator of Iraq is. Oh, you don’t either? I feel slightly better.
You can probably also surmise that I have trouble focusing on one topic. This, too, keeps me from dwelling very long on world events. Where was I?
While many Americans wring their hands over such mundane topics as health care, deficits, random shootings, war and what not, I have focused on a much insidious threat to our security–our so-called neighbors to the North.
Most Americans fear the Mexicans. Well, maybe not most, but a goodly number do anyway. Why? They look different. They sound different. Like my German ancestors, they don’t have the common courtesy to learn English before the come here. Here’s how Americans historically thought of foreigners:
So fearful were we of the Japanese, that we sent Japanese-Americans off to fight for the US, while we housed their families in concentration camps. With a history like that, one would think we would be prepared against any foreign threat. Think again.
Canadians, of course, strike no such fear in us. Why not? They look like us, more or less–except perhaps a bit duller. They also speak English, except for the ones who–for reasons still obscure–speak French, for God’s sake. Plus, I can’t remember them ever winning a war.
I, for one, am not fooled. I’m quite confident that our border with Canada is every bit as porous as the one with Mexico. I offer this warning to all right-thinking Americans. Why be concerned? Read on.
Have you ever heard their national anthem? It’s beautiful. It makes you swell with Canadian pride. Ours, on the other hand, is an unsingable poem set to music. The Canadians know this. That’s why theirs is so much better. If you hear it, you want to be one of them, even if just for a moment. That momentary weakness is all it takes to begin the slide down the slippery slope to Canadianism.
We all know they play hockey in Canada. We play it, too, but mostly with Canadians. It was once observed that Canadians taught the French to play hockey, which Europeans have never been able to do. They haven’t had the same success with Americans. At one time, US hockey was confined to places like New York, Philadelphia, Detroit and Chicago, places so far north that they are practically part of Canada anyway. Now, we have hockey in California, Tennessee, North Carolina, Florida–everywhere. What better way to infiltrate our country than by distributing their toothless, hockey-playing goons around our great nation. Plus, this gives them ample opportunity to indoctrinate more Americans with their entrancing national anthem. Well played.
What do we really know of the Canadian culture? Oh, we’ve all eaten their bacon, which really isn’t bacon at all. Ice-fishing is probably popular. I’ll grant them the contributions of Steve Nash, Alex Trebek, Geddy Lee and Pamela Anderson to our culture. Beyond those minor accomplishments, what do they offer us?
Here’s food for thought: I read somewhere that they embrace multiculturalism. I don’t even know what that means, but Glenn Beck says it’s really bad. It sure sounds bad.
First off, although they speak English, it’s not really English, is it? Do you want your kids going around saying “aboot” instead of “about?” How about sprinkling your conversations with “eh?” It will render our language incomprehensible. Your kid will no longer be in the 3rd grade. No, he’ll be in “Grade 3.” You’ll soon be wearing a tuque on your head. Welcome to the Great White North, my friends.
They don’t even speak English everywhere, either. Part of the country speaks French. Not just any French, but some kind of weird-sounding French that could be spoken on Pluto for all I know. I had a trial once where a witness was a French-speaking Canadian. His ridiculous French-like accent combined with my Eastern Kentucky mumble left the jury baffled. Wouldn’t that be nice to deal with every day?
The Canadians keep their culture under wraps for the most part. Beyond the greatness of Rush, what do we know of their music? Their cinema? William Shatner is, of course, their greatest actor, but he made his bones in the good old U.S. of A.
The number one occupation in Canada is lumberjack, followed closely by illiterate fisherman. Their policemen dress in Fancy Dan garb that would embarrass Siegfried and Roy.
I know nothing of their religion and don’t want to. Suffice to say that it likely involves snow gods.
Canada boasts a much a lower violent crime rate than the U.S., even though they own a hell of a lot of guns. This just proves that they lack the wherewithal to be a major player on the world stage. They didn’t even wipe out all their Indians like we did. Americans are hot-headed and prone to violence. Look at our respective records on serial killers. The U.S. is a veritable serial killing playground. As far as I know, Canada has had own notorious serial killer, Robert Pickton, and they called him the “Pig Farm Killer.” Seriously. Oooh, scary.
Like most people, I don’t know what form of government they have, other than some form of socialism. They seem to swear allegiance to the Queen of England, so maybe they’re a British territory or part of the Commonwealth of Nations, whatever the hell that is. They’re probably Communists.
Lest you think I’m exaggerating, the Queen is on some of their money. Bet you thought it Wayne Gretzky or Alan Thicke. Obviously, they’ve sworn some sort of allegiance to the Crown. I don’t need to remind you that we fought a little war back in 1776 to get away from that kind of thing. Speaking of their money, check this out:
It doesn’t even look like money. It looks like a napkin or a bus pass. Have you ever gotten one of their quarters and tried to use it in a Coke machine? Surprise!! NO COKE FOR YOU!! I say keep your money in Canada.
But, don’t they have a great healthcare system? According a bunch of emails I’ve gotten, you can get prescription drugs really cheap in Canada over the Internet. Great. Now, we can assure that our entire country is drug-addled or in some constant state of arousal further eroding our moral foundation. Just what we need.
They also have universal healthcare. Think about that. “Universal?” What kind of crazy “one-world” bunch of fellow travelers are these people? If you go to the doctor in Canada, you have to wait 10-12 hours just to get weighed and then they give your weight in kilos or stones or some other incomprehensible measure than no civilized person would understand. No thank you, Commissar.
A SIMPLE SOLUTION
For years, I’ve written the Pentagon urging a preemptive strike on Canada. Other than a few uncomfortable interviews with the FBI, I’ve never gotten a response. Thus, I’m left with presenting a modest proposal to stop the Northern Horde in its tracks before it’s too late:
- Outlaw hockey in the Continental United States. I believe this can be done under the auspices of the Patriot Act.
- Once hockey is outlawed, most Canadians will leave the U.S. Those who don’t can be sent to Gitmo.
- Dig a moat on the Canadian border (except the Great Lakes which will serve as their own moat). It should be 50 feet wide and 20 feet deep. I know what you’re thinking. Won’t the Canadians just swim across like they do in Mexico? No. It will be too damn cold. Plus, they all wear flannel and would surely get weighted down and drown.
- Once the moat is in place, launch a series of surgical drone strikes knocking out their breweries and skating rinks. In the ensuing turmoil, declare Canada to be part of the United States.
Once we’ve declared victory, redraw the Canadian map as follows:
By dividing New Canada into five distinct zones, I have eliminated the threat:
ZONE 1: Gulag: This will be used as detention facility for those native Canadians unwillingly to embrace the American way of life.
ZONE 2: Chemical Test Area: This will be reserved for testing America’s impressive chemical weapons cache. It will also be used for storage and disposal of our massive pile of nuclear waste.
ZONE 3: Reservation: This will be the home of those Canadians willing to embrace American ideals.
ZONE 4: Hockey: This is where the hockey will be played.
ZONE 5: French: We really don’t want to fool with the French whom Bart Simpson aptly described as “rifle-dropping surrender monkeys.” Those who can’t move to France will live here. That way, if we have a war we want to lose, they’ll be close by.
Too radical you say? Neville Chamberlain would have been well-advised to have been so radical when dealing with Hitler. Just don’t blame me if you wake up one day and lumberjacks are chopping down your door looking for house pets to chain to their sleds. You might as well get fitted for a pair of mukluks, my friend.
Don’t expect to hear either of our so-called American leaders address these issues. Note that in the 2012 Presidential election neither candidate produced a shred of proof to show that he wasn’t born in Canada. By their silence, they sow the seeds of our destruction. Oh, well, God save the Queen. Eh?
Oh, I am so sending this to my Canadian friends. ( oh no, can I be deported for admitting I have Canadian friends?)
Thank you, my friend. The gulag awaits.
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