I paid more attention to this election cycle than I usually do. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because everyone on social media spewed about the election. That’s probably a good thing. I was able to deduce to things: (1) Liberals hate Mitt Romney; and (2) Conservatives hate Barack Obama. Pretty simple.
What isn’t so simple these days is to figure out if you’re a liberal or a conservative. My archly conservative friends think I’m liberal. My liberal friends think I’m conservative. My staunchly political friends of both stripes can’t believe that any sane person wouldn’t vote a straight ticket in an election. Alas, I am an Independent. For me, a straight ticket is a list of perennial candidates, crackpots and unelectable do-gooders.
Honestly, I’ve tried to figure out where I fall on the political spectrum. Some folks tell me I’m a Libertarian. When I read about Libertarians, I tend to agree; however, when I listen to Libertarians, I vehemently disagree. I often refer to myself as a conservative, but then some real conservative says something insane, and I change my mind.
So, I decided to come up with a simple quiz to help answer this question. As a public service, I have reproduced it below:
I. FOREIGN POLICY:
1. Which statement best describes your views on the anger toward the West in the Middle East?
a) The West is a bunch of capitalist pigs. I am angry toward it, too.
b) They aren’t as angry as I am toward them.
c) Nuke ’em, except Israel.
2. Which group of countries do you consider the greatest threat to world peace?
a) The United States, Great Britain and Israel
b) Canada, Mexico and Greenland
c) North Korea, France and any country where the leaders wear robes.
3. Which statement best describes your views toward China?
a) We must stop all human rights violations in China, even if they don’t want our help
b) We should try not to make them mad since they make all our stuff
c) Nuke ’em
4. What do you think the US role in foreign affairs should be?
a) Become friends with everyone
b) Stay the hell away from foreigners
c) Try to build strong relationships with friendly governments. Nuke the rest of ’em.
5. The biggest risk to America’s security is:
a) American imperialism
b) The federal deficit
c) Everyone who answered “a” to this question.
II. SOCIAL ISSUES
1. Which statement best describes your views on a woman’s right to choose?
a) Women have the unfettered right to choose anything, up to and including the euthanasia of their children under 18 and husbands.
b) Frankly, I haven’t given it much thought. I’m a man.
c) When did this happen?
2. What best describes your reaction to the term “homo-queer?”
a) That’s just another pejorative term for our gay friends and indicative of the hate-mongering on the right.
b) That’s a word my mother once said when she was trying to say “homosexual.”
c) That’s just another example of “political correctness” run wild.
3. What best describes your position on “traditional” marriage?
a) Marriage is loving relationship which should be allowed between or among any two or more people, regardless of sex, age or species.
b) I’m divorced. Don’t get me started.
c) Marriage is a holy union between a man and woman until one gets caught cheating on the other.
4. What best describes your position on immigration?
a) Everyone who sets foot in the US should automatically become a citizen.
b) I don’t care. I’m a foreigner.
c) I’m okay with it, as long as you speak English and look like me.
5. What best describes your religious views?
a) There is no God. And if there is one, he’s a woman.
b) I am God
c) My God is the only god. And he’s a Christian.
III. FISCAL ISSUES
1. Taxes should be increased on:
a) The rich, which is anyone making more money than I do.
b) Anyone except me
c) No one, except the people who don’t make enough money to pay taxes
2. The best way to reform welfare would be to:
a) Make it available to everyone except rich
b) Make it available to me and no one else
c) Eliminate it, except if it is provided to job creators
3. The best way to balance the federal budget would be to:
a) Raise the tax rate on the rich to 120%
b) Suspend Congressional pay until the budget is balanced.
c) Start two wars and then lower taxes.
4. The biggest area of waste in the federal budget is:
a) Subsidies to the rich
b) Congressional pay
c) The food stamps used by those answering “a” to this question
IV. IMAGE ASSOCIATION
1. What is your reaction to this photo?
a) Tingling in various body parts
b) Who is that?
c) AAARRRGGHHH! The Devil!
2. What is your reaction to this photo?
a) AAARRRGGHHH! The Devil!
b) I never could figure out how his hair stayed so dark.
c) Drop to your knees, followed by uncontrollable crying
3. What is your reaction to this photo:
a) Vomit in mouth. Rinse. Repeat.
b) When did Gregg Allman shave?
c) Ooooh. Hootchie Mama!
4. What is your reaction to this photo?
a) More tingling
b) Matt LeBlanc has really let himself go.
c) Vomit in mouth. Swallow. Repeat.
5. What is your reaction to this photo?
a) Another pathetic example of the exploitation of women.
b) Damnation. Sweet.
c) Is that Ann Coulter?
The following are true/false questions
1. President Obama is Kenyan. T or F?
2. President Obama is a Muslim. T or F?
3. President Obama is a terrorist. T or F?
4. Karl Rove is a genius. T or F?
5. Sarah Palin is smokin’ hot. T or F?
For every question you answered “true,” add 10 points. If each you answered false, subtract 5 points.
VI. CONSTITUTIONAL LAW
1. Something is unconstitutional if:
a) I don’t like it
b) I don’t like it
c) I don’t like it
2. Which statement best describes your view of gun control:
a) Guns are evil and should be outlawed regardless of the Constitution
b) I can’t control my guns. That’s why I prefer sleeveless shirts.
c) I firmly believe that all citizens have the right to bear arms and shoot other citizens when necessary or convenient.
3. Which statement best describes your view of states rights:
a) The states have no rights
b) My state is run by idiots. Why would they do any better?
c) States have the right to screw up anything that the federal government hasn’t reserved to its own incompetence.
4. Who wrote the United States Constitution?
a) White bigots
b) Abraham Lincoln
5. Which statement best describes your view of freedom of religion?
a) Religion should be illegal, unless it’s worshiping something like a tree or the President.
b) Leave me alone
c) You are free to worship as you see fit as long as it is an acceptable form of Christianity
In 1000 words or less, describe the effects of global warming on our climate and the changes you believe must be implemented to save the planet from imminent destruction. Attach your answer on separate sheets.
(If you knew enough to write anything, subtract 25 points. If you laughed out loud after reading this, add 25 points. Any other reaction gives you no points).
For each multiple choice question you answered “a,” add 5 points. For each you answered “b,” add 10 points. For each you answered “c,” add 15 points. Then take your score from True/False and Essay questions and add to the total. If any question outraged you to the point that you couldn’t go on, adjust your medication and try again.
Once you’ve added up your total, here is how to interpret the result:
100-150 points: Flaming commie, pinko, socialist Leftist. Kim Jong il is your ideal president.
150-200 points: Dangerous, left-leaning weirdo. Gus Hall is your ideal president.
200-300 points: Disenfranchised everyman. Franklin Pierce is your ideal president.
300-375 points: Dangerous, bloodless, right-wing radical. Joseph McCarthy is your ideal president.
375+ points: Ultra right-wing reactionary. George Lincoln Rockwell is your ideal president.
If you somehow managed to score less than 100 or more than 425, please leave the country immediately.
Now you know what you are. Don’t you feel better? I know I do. Even better, you’ll know how to vote next time around. If you don’t, someone will tell you.