Help A Drowning Man

I am awash in a sea of bad information. How did this happen? I’ve spent too much time in the ocean of social media where information is plentiful, but accuracy is sacrificed for speed and volume. How does this happen? The easy answer, of course, is that people are idiots. This knee jerk response is just as flawed as the flotsam vomited out on social media even as you read this. People love outrage. More precisely, they love to be outraged. This is especially true when politics and religion are involved. This causes otherwise intelligent and thoughtful folks to randomly post thoughts, memes and links which are related to reality only by the thin thread of having originated from someone’s mind.

Another answer might be that I spend too much time on social media and should do something else like a read book. No thank you, Egg Head. That ain’t happening. We need to work together.

Phil Robertson is now the millstone around my neck. If you don’t know who Phil is, then good for you. You aren’t into social media and perhaps spend your time writing poetry. If so, you’re probably not reading this anyway. Phil is a “reality TV” star. His show, Duck Dynasty, is entertaining. It certainly seems scripted to me, but what do I know? Perhaps Phil and his family became multi-millionaires while bumbling about like…well…reality TV stars.

I won’t rehash what Phil did. There’s no point in doing so. He said things that pissed people off or made people happy. Outrage ensued. Many folks–again, otherwise intelligent–have risen to his defense by citing his right to “free speech.” One poster on Facebook said “What the hell happened to free speech in this country?” The answer is nothing, because Phil’s opinions have nothing to do with free speech. “But, but, but…he got FIRED!!” You are correct. He did get fired. Free speech, unfortunately, doesn’t prevent that. “YES, IT DOES!” you scream. Let’s read the First Amendment of the United States Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

[Note how I helpfully highlighted the part about “Congress.”] Congress has made no law regarding speech which affects Phil at all. In fact, no government official has done anything to Phil. Maybe you love what he said about gay people and African-Americans. If so, you have found some common ground with radical Islam. Maybe you’re a Libertarian sort who supports everyone’s right to speak his or her mind. I really don’t care. But, let’s all agree to never invoke the First Amendment again on this issue. We’ll all feel better. I know I do. Thanks.

It’s not only the plain language of our Constitution which cause confusion. Easily verified claims also drive us to hysteria. Here’s a favorite example. Occasionally, a meme makes the rounds about Presidential and Congressional pensions. It reads:

WAGES

Salary of retired US Presidents……………………….$450,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of House/Senate members……………………$174,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of Speaker of the House……………………….$223,500 FOR LIFE

Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders………………….$194,400 FOR LIFE

Average salary of a soldier DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN ……$38,000

Average income for Seniors on Social Security …………………$12,000

I think we found where the cuts should be made! If you agree, pass it on!

Aren’t you outraged? This is patently insane. Why would these people get paid for life!?!?! What kind of country do we live in? That’s a valid question but not because of this. The above information–while outrageous–is incorrect in almost every way. None of these people–not even the President–gets full salary for life. It simply is not true. Does this stop folks from being outraged about it? Of course not. Variations of this meme have been posted many times on social media. The comments are fairly frothing with their condemnation. Here’s my suggestion: When you see something that is so inane as to make you want to immediately post it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, stop and think. Since you’re probably on the Internet at the time, do a simple search. Check the facts. You’ll be amazed how easy it is to confirm or counter such things. Again, we’ll all be better for it, and you won’t look like an uninformed ass.

Then there are the half-truths, those items of interest based in reality but twisted into something sort of whole truth. Here’s a meme making the rounds:

The House of Representatives passed a budget bill cutting pensions for veterans. (Not “Veteran’s”). That much is true. The reduction is actually a reduction of the cost of living increase for certain pensions. It’s what I call a “Government Cut.” A “private cut” is where you make less money next year than you made this year. It only applies to certain veterans–ones deemed young enough to re-enter the work force. Now, don’t get me wrong. This seems like a bad idea. We’ve worn out our military with endless wars. The least we could do is leave their pensions alone. On the other hand, don’t worry about veterans actually getting a cut in their pensions. The private sector, where there are no pensions anymore, is the only place that happens.

This is a prime example of excellent propaganda. Take a grain of truth, twist into something outrageous and scare everyone. Remember that Hitler got elected by scaring the hell out of people. There’s a reason he had a Ministry of Propaganda. It works.

Finally, there are those debates that rage over opinions. Most of these involve politics or religion–two topics which civilized people never discuss. Bear this in mind: There are two sides or more to each such debate:

Obamacare: POINT–The program is already failing and far too expensive for the country to afford. Socialized medicine will lead to reduced services for everyone. COUNTERPOINT–It’s the law. Give it time, and the kinks will get worked out. If socialized medicine is so horrible, why do we provide it to our military veterans. Wouldn’t they be better off buying their healthcare in the market?
Phil Robertson: POINT–He’s free to speak his mind and express his faith. Leave him alone. COUNTERPOINT–People are also free to be offended by his comments. We don’t have to leave him alone.
NSA: POINT–The Government is only gathering data. They have no way to do anything with it. COUNTERPOINT: Yet. There is nothing more un-American than spying on your citizenry.
TAXES: POINT–Let’s raise taxes on the highest earners. This would quickly fix all our fiscal problems. COUNTERPOINT–Our government has a history of spending every penny it brings in–and more. Until we fix that, more revenue won’t help.

These few examples show how it works. There are two sides to all theses issues. It just depends on your political prism.

Of course, acknowledging differing opinions isn’t our way. God forbid that we be asked to actually respect another’s views. We prefer to be right. In fact, we demand it, even when we are wrong. I am fortunate to have friends from all walks of life. Their politics range from Left-leaning Communists to budding Neo-Nazis. The Right’s take on current events is a combination of moral outrage, moral superiority (always Christian), the U.S. Constitution (if you don’t like something, it’s unconstitutional) and some nostalgia (such things as whipping children are fondly recalled). The support Republicans and like all Ayn Rand quotes. The Left approaches these issues from a different angle, of course. They are intellectual titans ready to make fun of religion (always Christianity. They don’t say anything about Islam, Judaism, et al.), cite obscure authors, and engage in relentless name-calling often involving obscene language. They support Democrats and love to quote Barack Obama, Mahatma Ghandi and hate all Ayn Rand quotes, even though most of them are atheists like Rand.

Here is a typical social media exchange regarding Mr. Robertson, who has eclipsed war, world hunger and random violence as the issue of the day:

Original Post: I stand with Phil! The Bible says that we will be persecuted for Him! Christians have freedom of speech, too! Our country is being destroyed! I will never watch TV again!

[See how our friend has concisely encompassed the significant elements of right-wing rage. The Bible, persecution, morality, patriotism and broad and incorrect legal principles.]

A response from the Left naturally flows:

Comment: You can stand with that bigoted, homophobic, racist if you like. I have never seen his show. In fact, I do not own a television having traded mine for a Navajo Dream Catcher. Freedom of speech is not an issue here–offensive, racist, homophobic rhetoric is. The Bible supports all manner of prejudice. I suggest you read the collected works of Bertrand Russell instead.

[Our Leftist chum has countered with his own salvo. He engages in name calling that far exceeds anything Mr. Robinson has done but does so from a perch of intellectual superiority. He is above mere TV watching. He concludes his concise commentary by inferring that atheist mathematician/philosopher Bertrand Russell is a better source for moral guidance than the Holy Bible. Well done.]

This exchange will continue with many additional posts by these and other commentators. The Right will contend they are right because, well, they are right…or Right. The Left will froth and name-call, even resorting to the use of vulgarities to make their points. Ultimately, no one makes any sense and everyone is angry.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I have engaged in this foolishness on occasion, especially when legal principles are misstated. I forget my advantages in this regard: 1) I have actually read the Constitution; and 2) I graduated from law school. I, too, have been called names. One Lefty even called me a racist for correctly noting that the ubiquitous George Zimmerman is Hispanic. I countered with own my stream of obscenities. It’s easy to fall into this trap. I do not judge.

Let’s all commit to work as one to make all this easier for me. After all, wouldn’t the world be a better place if things suited me? Don’t be a racist, homophobic, liberal, conservative, Communistic Neo-Nazi, Bible-thumping Atheist.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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Whither the Cult of Tebow?

Not surprisingly, the Patriots released Tim Tebow. I doubt this diminishes his popularity among his die-hard fans. If anything, it will give them a brief respite until he resurfaces in the Canadian Football League or among the army of TV talking heads. His release is likely, however, to end the NFL chapter of one of the more bizarre sports stories of my life time.

Tebow’s popularity in the NFL far exceeded his collegiate fame, which was substantial. At the University of Florida, Tebow played on two national championship teams and won the Heisman Trophy. He threw and ran for touchdowns like no one before him. As we have seen in the few years since he left Florida, this may have had more to do with the changing nature of the quarterback position than his unique skills. He was nevertheless an exciting and dynamic presence at Florida.

His Christianity was on full display at Florida, too. He wore Bible citations instead of eye black, prayed on the field and spoke openly of his faith. This, of course, caught the attention of Christians (especially those of an evangelical stripe). Others found this overbearing–even obnoxious. Regardless, we all wanted someone who played like him at our alma maters. As a result, he was a polarizing figure, as is usually the case with popular athletes. Many love them, and many love to hate them.

Despite his college success, Tebow was never viewed as anymore than a borderline NFL prospect. Prior to the 2010 Draft opinions varied. Draft guru Mel Kiper, Jr. didn’t think Tebow could play quarterback in the NFL. Former NFL Coach Jon Gruden disagreed. His best shot, according to many, would be to change positions. His future was brighter as a tight end or H-back. After all, many college quarterbacks have made similar transitions in the NFL. Tebow’s size, strength and athleticism would allow him to do the same.

Tebow had different plans. So did the Denver Broncos who surprised the NFL by using a 1st round draft pick on Tebow in the 2010 draft. Denver’s young head coach, Josh McDaniels, planned to play Tebow at quarterback, and Tebow had no intention of changing positions. He and the Broncos were the perfect match.

I was one of the misguided few who believed Tebow would be an effective, if not star, NFL player. This only proves my inability to assess quarterback play. Several years ago, my alma mater–the University of Kentucky–had an outstanding QB named Andre Woodson. He was big, strong armed and smart. He also had poor footwork and a slow release. I thought some NFL guru would fix that. It didn’t happen. I don’t think he ever took a snap in a regular season game. Even though Woodson and Tebow had many of the same throwing issues, I thought the Broncos got a steal. For awhile, it looked like I might be right.

After a rookie season where he played sparingly, Tebow got his shot as a starter in 2011 under new coach John Fox. With Tebow at the helm the last ten games, the Broncos went 7 and 3. Tebow was hailed as a hero–perhaps a savior, if that is not too insensitive. I felt vindicated until I watched him play. Yes, the Broncos won, but Tebow’s play was wildly up and down. Big plays were followed by inexplicably bad ones–overthrows, misread defenses and just plain bad throws. “He just wins” was the defense. The Broncos opted to sign Peyton Manning, another quarterback who wins, plus makes every throw a quarterback can make.

Tebow then spent one forgettable season with New York Jets where he couldn’t get on the field. When he did play, he was ineffective. His fans blamed Coach Rex Ryan. After his release by the Jets, his old coach Josh McDaniels, now the Patriots’ offensive coordinator gave him another shot. If anyone could make it work, McDaniels and the Patriots could. They couldn’t.

There are 5 QB attributes : size; vision; arm strength; accuracy; and footwork. Of these, arm strength is the least important. Joe Montana didn’t have a cannon arm. Jeff George did. An arm needs to be strong enough. That’s it. The other four attributes can be honed in the NFL but rarely are they ever discovered at that level of play.

Of these qualities, Tebow has one–size. His arm strength is below average as is his accuracy–too many off target throws floated to covered receivers. He also doesn’t see the field well. He holds the ball too long or runs when he should wait for a play to develop. He often throws off the wrong foot and his release is slow and mechanical. By the time he loads up a throw, his receivers are covered.

See how the ball is upside down? That little hitch can be what separates a college and pro quarterback.

Too harsh? No. Professional sports are perhaps the last meritocracy. If you can help a team win, there is a place for you. The need to win is immediate and construction projects are rarely taken on. Even when they are, the time line is short.

I should note that I like Tebow or, more accurately, I like what he appears to be. He seems to be a nice, sincere young man. I don’t doubt that he is a devout Christian. None of that matters in the context of the NFL.

I grew up in the 1970’s. With maybe the exception of Muhammad Ali, the most popular American athlete was a running back for the Buffalo Bills. There were action figures of him sold to kids–my brother had one. He made movies. His games were broadcast on national TV. He made commercials. His name was–and is–Orenthal James Simpson. If you said “O.J.” or “the Juice” everyone knew the player to whom you referred. His name still resonates, albeit for entirely different reasons. NFL teams would line up for the next O.J. They would certainly hope he was a better human being than the original, but most teams would take their chances. As a hard-core fan, I can tell you that I would rather have a team full of O.J.s than good people who can’t play.

(It is possible to so rotten a person that no NFL will want you, but it takes some doing. Just ask Tebow’s former Florida teammate, Aaron Hernandez.)

On the same day Tebow was cut loose, Vince Young and Matt Leinart were also released the same day. They were also college stars and “winners.” NFL quarterbacks? No. They just aren’t good enough. They faced the same fate as Tebow. This is where some Tebow fans will disagree with me.

Tebow fans fall into two categories. One is the run of the mill football fan, those who like players who wear the correct uniform. If you’re a Jet fan, and he’s a Jet, you like him. The other group is those who liked, even loved, him because of his religion. To this latter group, Tebow was more than a football and to be judged on something other than his skills. This mushroomed Tebow’s popularity above that of the typical NFL player.

Tebow is hardly the first devoutly religious professional athlete. For example, Sandy Koufax refused to pitch on Yom Kippur. Since this predated evangelical Christianity’s current embrace of Judaism, he was hardly lauded for this stance. Akeem Olajuwon drew questions about his observance of Ramadan while starring in the NBA. Muhammad Ali drew much flak for his conversion to Islam. Make no mistake, it is Christianity, not religion, which helped elevate Tebow above his peers. This is where Tebow is different.

There is a strong feeling among many that Tebow should be a good quarterback. Good people should do well. One need look no further than another Florida quarterback to see that it doesn’t work like that. Danny Wuerffel was Tebow before Tebow. He played at Florida. He is a devout Christian. He won the Heisiman Trophy. He also tried for years to succeed as an NFL quarterback. Wuerffel was never more than a journeyman back up. That doesn’t make him a bad person, of course, just a bad quarterback (at least by the exacting standards of the NFL).

Christians, like most religions, embrace persecution. To be persecuted means that you are sacrificing of yourself for God. We like that. It makes us feel better. It was easy for Christians to view Tebow as being a victim of persecution when he was criticized. If a TV analyst said Tebow’s release was too slow, that analyst was wrong. People even suggested that the Broncos won under Tebow because of God’s intervention. When Vince Young, a star college QB with similar limitations, had the same success early in his NFL career, no one attributed it to God or even Young, for the most part. Good defense and good luck were Young’s allies. If anything, Young may have been persecuted. Why wasn’t God on his side?

Tebow’s Christian fan base is perhaps unique in sports. This is a group otherwise unconcerned with sports who cheer for him as though he was the first Christian to play pro sports. Social media exploded with posts about Tebow’s greatness. “He just wins” was the excuse for any of his poor play, as though the Broncos’ smothering defense drew its strength from Tebow’s mere presence. I knew folks who didn’t know who John Elway is who became rabid fans of Tebow. His jersey became the NFL’s best seller.

All of this was unfair to Tebow who has never seemed all that impressed with himself. He just wants to be a quarterback in a league with no patience. His best–and probably only–chance of making it in the NFL now is at a different position. At this point, he is unwilling to do that. That’s fine, and I can’t say that I blame him. Football is a hard way to make a living. One might as well have lofty goals.

So, what now for Tebow? As football fans know, he faces a tough road. Once a player is released, he joins the vast sea of players looking for a team. Young, Leinart and dozens of other borderline players are his competitors but without the media circus that comes to town with Tebow.

Even Tebow’s most zealous fans must accept this: He wasn’t cut because he’s too good a person or a Christian. The NFL is chock full of Christians. In fact, I’ve never heard of a team releasing a star player because he was too nice. It didn’t happen here, either.

That said, I would be remiss if I didn’t recognize that some take great pleasure in Tebow’s struggles, some because they just don’t like the teams he played on. Others, in truth, dislike his religion and his display of it. Even a cursory trip through social media will show people taunting like Edward G. Robinson in The Ten Commandments (“Where’s your God, now, Moses!?!?!?”). Those are the likely the same folks who take pleasure in the failure of others as though it were actually a success for them.

If you are true Tebower, I suggest you take heart. If Tebow’s calling is truly a higher one, he will find a better stage. One can easily envision him on television pontificating about college or NFL football. I suspect he’ll be fine. I’m not so sure about his fans, though..

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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Jesus: All-Round Good Guy

I’m not a theologian. I’ve read the Bible, but much like Karl in Sling Blade, I understand parts of it but not all of it. Nevertheless, I enjoy reading the Bible. It is full of sex, violence and scandal–and that’s just the Old Testament. The New Testament is the cornerstone, of course, of Christianity. It’s not nearly as saucy as the Old Testament. It does, however, tell the story of Jesus, the key figure in the Christian world.

Most folks know the story of Jesus. He was born to a virgin in a manger. He is the son of the one, true Living God. He was sent to Earth to die for our sins. He did just that, being crucified, of all things. His sacrifice bore all the sins of mankind. Three days after he died (wink, wink), he arose from the dead, thereby fulfilling the promise that he would not die. That’s pretty close to accurate.

Before reading further, you should know a couple of things. One, you’re not going to see a bunch citations to scripture. This ain’t Sunday School. Plus, I don’t research much for this silly blog. This is no pedantic discourse on historical Jesus. I’m going from memory, which may be inaccurate, but I’m sure you’ve heard just as reckless preaching from the pulpit. Second, I’m not a fan of “oral histories” when it comes to religion. There’s too much room for mistakes and outright lies. I don’t believe the oral history of my own life. So, all you’ll see here is stuff I remember from the Bible and my own rank speculation.

I’m not so much interested in Jesus as God or even a god. That’s a religious thing. If you believe that, you have taken it on faith, like all religions. You don’t need to be sold on it. If you don’t believe, no amount of persuasion on my part will affect you, especially since I would probably make little sense and only end up arguing with myself about it.

My interest is more in Jesus the man. After all, he was a man, in addition to be the son of God and God himself. From this point forward, I shall try to avoid discussion of The Holy Trinity, as it only confuses me. But, what of Jesus the man? What kind of guy was he?

First off, it’s unlikely that he wa 6′ 2″ with flowing sandy blonde hair and a perfectly shaped nose. He was a Jewish man. He probably wasn’t a foot taller than everyone else or look like Barry Gibb. According to science, he probably looked like this:

Since the Bible doesn’t describe his appearance, he can look like anything we want, but we should try to be a slightly realistic.

Back then, I guess, people didn’t have last names, but we call him Jesus Christ or, sometimes Jesus H. Christ. I’m pretty sure Christ wasn’t his last name. No one called his step-dad “Joseph Christ.” Of course, Judas was Judas Iscariot. I can’t really reach a conclusion on this one.

Jesus’s monogram has caused centuries of debate about what the “H” stands for.

REGULAR GUY

We don’t know much about Jesus the child. The sketchy narrative breaks when he’s a preteen and picks up when he’s in his 30’s. What did he do during that time? He could have been a slacker for all I know. If he was, you can be sure he told someone not to write that part down.

He seems like a regular guy. He was a carpenter, which is a regular guy job. There aren’t any details about what kind of carpentry he did, but it was probably the normal stuff for the times–barns, mangers (how ironic), yokes, maybe houses. Who knows? He may have even made crosses for crucifixions.

30 years old was probably pretty old in those days. Whether it was because of poor health care or more accurate record keeping, we were no longer in the times of people living to be 900 years old. I’m guessing that Jesus was middle aged.

When the story picks back up, he’s ready for business. The Sermon on the Mount is some of the best preaching you’ll ever hear. I picture it as being quite the scene, with the turnout being mostly the sick and demon-possessed. The sick people probably had leprosy and wore those big leper bells around their necks to warn people when they were approaching. The possessed were just plain insane. Jesus didn’t care. He hung out with them anyway. He even healed them. Good guy.

People were probably leery of Jesus at first. First, the son of God thing was probably off-putting. Imagine if the guy who built your house went around claiming to be the Messiah. Second, even those who believed he was the son of God were probably a little rattled. Up until that point, God was a vengeful cuss who destroyed entire countries, turned people into salt, slew children and even wiped out mankind–all because he had a Byzantine set of rules no one could follow. His son might be a bit edgy. Can’t you just see someone meeting him for the first time?:

Son of God. No foolin’? I’m sure you know about that pork chop I ate last week. I don’t know what I was thinking. Haha. Anyway, could you see your way clear to pass on the smiting just this once?

Imagine the surprise when Jesus said it was no big deal.

TEACHER

It didn’t take him long to collect followers, the so-called Disciples. They were a motley crew and seemed to bitch and moan a lot. Jesus had to be a patient dude to keep from blowing up at them. The first time someone doubted that I could walk on water, he would be walking–right out of the inner circle. “Oh, you can’t feed all these people with a loaf bread and fish.” “Oh, really? Who’s the son of God, you moron?” Jesus did none of that. Nor did he ever rub their noses in it like I would have. I would have been all: “Looks like everyone else is eating, what are you gonna do now, smart ass?” Even after he came back to life, he dealt with this stuff: “Hey, Doubting Thomas, what do these look like–callouses?” Not Jesus. He was a patient man. Good guy.

Even if you don’t believe Jesus was real, he was still a good guy, even as a literary figure. Consider the things he said:

Love your enemies. Any tool can love his friends.
If someone asks you for something, give it to him. Then, give him more of your stuff.
If someone slaps your face, tell him to do it again. This isn’t to prove that you’re a badass. It’s just to let him do it.
Don’t worry about the splinter in your friend’s eye when you’ve got a plank in yours. In other words, stay on your side of the street and deal with your own crap.
Quit bitching about the government. Give them what they want, and give God what he wants.
Don’t judge anyone. Ever. End of discussion.
The humble, the meek, the pacifists, the downtrodden–these are my kind of people.

This is just a small sampling of the man’s wisdom. The funny thing is that even though he’s had billions of followers, I’ve never met even one who does any of what he suggests.

Just as impressive as what he said is what he didn’t say. Here is some of that:

It’s okay to hate people, especially if they look different from you or don’t believe I’m the son of God.
Go forth and kill people in my name.
I really hope the folks who preach this gospel all get rich.
Give me money to show that you believe in me.
Arrogant, self-righteous jackasses are really cool.
C’mon boys! Let’s go protest a funeral.
Some day there will be a land called America. It will be my favorite place on Earth.
You know what I like? War.
If people are poor or starving it’s because they deserve it. They’re probably lazy.
I hate foreigners.
When you pray, be sure to ask for things. Money is always good. Oh, and ball games–I’m a big sports fan.

Jesus was a positive, upbeat guy, even in the face of what he had to know was going to be a bad, bad ending for him. If it had been me, I’d probably have said: “Look. After they crucify me, you dudes kill every last one of those bastards. I’ll be back in three days, and I expect to see some carnage.” Not Jesus. He tried to stay positive. Good guy.

HOLY MAN

Two stories demonstrate that Jesus, Godliness notwithstanding, was a good guy. Remember Lazarus? He was a good friend of Jesus’s. Maybe Lazarus bought a yoke or something from Jesus. Lazarus died, and his family asked Jesus to resurrect him. Now, you could tell Jesus didn’t want to do it, and I can understand. He performed miracles to make a point, not just to do it. He might have thought this would set a bad precedent. Anyway, he got nagged into it. Lazarus had been dead awhile and was pretty rank. I’m sure Jesus thought: “Man, what have I gotten myself into? Damn, he’s funky.” He did it anyway. Boom! Welcome back, Lazarus. Jesus just did it to be nice.

The other was in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knew that some bad crap was coming down, so–like a lot of us would–he went off to pray. The gist of his prayer was: “Okay. I know I’m supposed to do this. I get it. But, IF by any chance you’d like to get me out of this, I’m cool with that, too. Of course, you’re the boss. If this is what you want, I’m all in. Just think about it.” What could be more human than that? He would do what he was supposed to do but was fine with getting out of it. What else would a good guy do?

Even his crucifixion shows what a good guy he was. He could have unleashed all manner of wrath. Remember–he’s God’s son, the same God that wreaked vengeful havoc throughout the Old Testament. Instead, he forgave his tormentors.

FAMILY MAN

Like any regular guy, Jesus had a family. Yes, he was the son of God, but Joseph was his step-dad. Joseph taught him carpentry. They probably argued about stuff like any family.

His brother James probably had it tough. At this point, some of you will get hair-lipped and scream: “THAT’S A LIE! JESUS DID NOT HAVE A BROTHER!” I say he did. Why? Because the Bible calls him James, brother of Jesus. That’s good enough for me. So, calm down.

My older brother was an excellent student and good kid. That can be tough to follow. Imagine poor James. Even when he was spreading the gospel, he probably heard about it:

MAN: What’s your name, friend?

JAMES: James…uh…James Christ.

MAN: Are you related to….?

JAMES: Yeah, he’s my brother.

MAN: Wow. He was, I mean is, a great guy.

JAMES: Yeah. We’re fond of him.

MAN: Look, we’re having a little get together later. You’re welcome to come by. Do you think….?

JAMES: Thanks. I’ll see what I can do, but He doesn’t just appear. But I’ll check.

No matter what a good job James did preaching, he was never going to measure up.

Mary was a typical mom, except for the virgin birth thing. Why did Jesus turn the water into wine? Because his mom told him to do it. Haven’t we all been there? My son is an excellent, self-taught piano player. His mother always wants him to play for her friends. He rarely does. It’s embarrassing. Jesus reacted the same way. He hadn’t even started performing miracles yet, but she was his mother. So, he did it. “Okay, Mom. Are you satisfied now?” Good guy and a good son, too.

LADIES MAN

Jesus hung out with women, too. I suspect women weren’t treated too well in ancient Judea. Jesus didn’t care. Mary Magdalene was right by his side until the end–and the beginning. He didn’t care. Now, I know a lot of you say Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. Maybe so, but the Bible doesn’t say that. If she was, it wasn’t important enough to write down. If you feel better thinking she was a whore, good for you. I know this much: Jesus wouldn’t have cared. He liked the downtrodden. They were his peeps. He made no judgments. Good guy.

I don’t know if Jesus dated or had a wife. If he did, the Bible doesn’t talk about it. Then again, it doesn’t talk about any of the Disciples having wives (Okay, maybe it does, and I just don’t remember). Let’s face it. The Bible isn’t very kind to women, so they probably wouldn’t have included that anyway. It wouldn’t have been weird if he had a girlfriend or wife. In fact, it would have been weird if he hadn’t. I’d like to think he did. He was human, too.

SUMMARY

Even if you are a committed atheist, you must admit that Jesus was a fine fellow. If not atheist, maybe you’re just not a Christian. No one ever turned from Christianity because Jesus was a bad guy. Hey, the Koran mentions Jesus frequently, maybe even more than it does Mohammed.

Jesus said that he’ll come back one of these days. Maybe he’s your plumber. It’s doubtful that he’s preaching on TV. He’s probably just a regular guy–good guy but regular. If he does come back, though, I’m pretty sure we’ll all try to kill him again.

So, there you have you it. Jesus the man. Good guy. Now, some of you may be poised over your keyboard ready to set me straight and accuse me of heresy and blasphemy. Before you do, ask yourself this: What would Jesus do? Good guy, that Jesus. He’d just like this post and move on.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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Acorns, Bombs and Guns: The Falling Sky

Chicken Little once famously declared “THE SKY IS FALLING!” Of course, he (she?) was wrong–it was an acorn. Sadly, Chicken Little terrified his barnyard companions until they sought shelter in a fox’s den. Only the unfortunately named Cocky Locky survived. The lesson? It was a freakin’ acorn, you moron. Now, Ducky Lucky, Henny Penny and the rest of your friends are dead meat–literally.

We can all agree that Chicken Little was a damn moron. Plus, he was a chicken. Chickens are filthy and disgusting. Why the hell would the other animals listen to one of them, anyway? Now, you probably think I don’t eat chickens, but I do. Why? Because I want to. They’d eat me if they could. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Chicken Little.

(By the way, I have an idea for a post about chickens. I’m not sure the public is ready for it.)

We Americans have much in common with Chicken Little. I’m not saying we wallow in our own filth and stink like hell, although some of us surely do. We do, however, get hit with the proverbial acorn and then scurry about the national barnyard in a panic.

Our latest acorn is the Boston Marathon Bombing. Here’s what we know (or think we know): Two brothers born in the Caucasus region of Russia are alleged to have detonated homemade bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon on April 15, 2013. One of them is dead and the other is hospitalized. Since these two were identified, here are just a few of the things I’ve heard from folks, most of whom I consider intelligent (my comments are in red) :

These guys should have been sent back to Chechnya. First, Chechnya isn’t a country. Second, when would we have sent them back? One of them has been in the U.S. since he was 8 years old.
The FBI had been asked to check out the older brother. It’s the FBI’s fault. How do we know the FBI didn’t check him out? There’s no law against being sketchy.
Pressure cookers aren’t designed to be used as bombs. No shit? All this time, I thought KFC was a terrorist front.
All terrorists are Arab. Ahem, Chechnya is not an Arab region.
All terrorists are Muslims. Timothy McVeigh, Terry Nichols, Eric Rudolph, Ted Kaczynski–Not Muslims.
Muslims are dangerous and should be watched. Some are. So are some Christians, Jews and atheists. There are 2.5 million Muslims in the U.S. If they were ALL terrorists, don’t you think we’d notice the constant terrorist attacks? The last time we demonized an entire group of people, we put them in interment camps. No one looks back at that with pride.
No one is safe!! Technically, that’s true. The U.S. has 15,000 or so homicides a year. You can’t really call that being “safe,” but it begs a question: If terrorists are responsible for three of those, who’s killing the other 14,997?
We can’t try these terrorists in civilian courts. Why not? We have a great and fair legal system. It affords the accused many rights but also arms the government with ample resources to prosecute crimes. We become outraged if American citizens aren’t afforded these same rights when accused of crimes in other countries.

Here’s what appears to have happened in Boston. Two followers of some radicalized version of Islam took it upon themselves to build homemade bombs and blow up people. They succeeded. The Muslims in our country aren’t all banded together to destroy our way of life. Relax, Chicken Little.

These weren’t criminal geniuses. They learned to make bombs on the Internet. You can, too. You can also get helpful advice from a book called The Anarchist Cookbook. It wasn’t even written by a Muslim. It was published in 1971. My brother owned a copy.

We also have acorns bouncing off our heads over gun control:

People don’t need ANY guns. Perhaps that’s true, but it’s irrelevant. The U.S. Constitution protects the right to own guns.
You’re wrong! The Constitution only allows a “well-regulated militia” to own guns. No, I’m right. At least that’s the U.S. Supreme Court says.
I must have a gun to protect my family. Where exactly do you live? I’d like to know so I don’t move there.
I must have a gun to protect myself against the government. Which one? If you mean the U.S. government, good luck with that. Have you seen the firepower of the U.S. government?
Well, I have other good reasons to own a gun. You well may, but here’s the deal: You don’t need a reason. You can own one just because you like guns. Hell, you can even own one for the sole purpose of wanting to shoot someone with it.
The Second Amendment is bad. Let’s get rid of it. Interesting take, but here’s your problem–and it’s a big one–it’s very difficult to amend the Constitution. That’s a good thing. It keeps us from tearing it apart with knee jerk reactions. If you can’t get a few guns law passed, your chances of amending the Constitution are less than nil. Move on to something that’s at least possible.
Expanded background checks are the beginning of a police state. No, they aren’t. If that’s true, let’s just get rid of ALL background checks.
If we pass new gun laws, the government will come and take our guns. The only way that can happen is if the government decides to ignore the Second Amendment and a host of other Constitutional rights. If that happens, a few new gun laws will be the least of our problems.
We don’t need new gun laws, because criminals won’t obey them. That’s probably true. Law-abiding citizens obey the law, and criminals don’t. That axiom applies to all laws.
Guns don’t kill people. Again, that’s true. It’s also true that Sarin gas, rocket launchers, grenades and flamethrowers don’t kill people, either. You need a better argument.

The truth is that a few new gun laws won’t hurt us. Who knows? They might even help. I doubt we’ll find out any time soon. My advice? Relax. We have a violent country full of people who like to hunt humans for sport. If you’re one of them, you’ll still be able to get a gun. If you’re a law-abiding citizen, you’ll also be able to get one. If you’re on the other side of the debate, think of this: If you’re right and over 90% of the public wants stricter laws, there will be political backlash. Count on it. Relax.

Bombs and guns. Terrorists and criminals. Law-abiding citizens and victims. Black and white. Acorns and the end. We live in a world now where we can get real-time news reports. During the pursuit of the Boston bombers, you could follow it almost moment-by-moment on Twitter. The news of the world in 140 characters. That’s how we think now. We hear something, and it requires an immediate response. There’s no time to think.

Perhaps this is why there is a visceral reaction to everything now. We color it black or white. I suppose a lot of things are black or white, but those aren’t colors. There are a lot of colors out there. Take a look at the world and you’ll see them. The same thing applies to the big issues of the day. Maybe they’re black and white. Maybe not. It’s at least worth looking at them long enough to tell.

We are an odd people. Most of us, regardless of political leaning, are proud Americans. We love our Constitution and cherish our rights. But, when we thinking the sky is falling, we’ll gladly give up those rights in order to assuage our fears. Could it be that this is the reason that people–whether terrorists, politicians or our friends–try to scare us with the black and white of the world? Maybe the fox tossed that acorn at Chicken Little.

Now, back to acorns. An acorn hit my head once. It hurt–a lot more than you’d expect. It actually raised a knot on my head. So, I’m not saying that terrorist attacks and gun control aren’t painful topics. They are. Just don’t confuse them with a hunk of the sky. The fox awaits.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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How Evil or Not Is Our President?

I’ve watched a little of the History Channel series on the Bible. A lot of folks are bothered by the violence in it. I assume those people haven’t actually read the Bible, the Old Testament in particular. There is incest, forced slavery, rape, murder of every description and even genocide. It’s tough stuff. A lot of folks who want to ban other books because of the Bible would probably want to ban the Bible itself if they ever read it.

Some are upset by the portrayal of Satan. Why? He looks like our president. Really, he does (the TV Satan, that is). It’s supposed to be a coincidence, and maybe it is. It does, however, raise the question of whether Obama is, in fact, Satan or just really evil. My conservative friends think so. My liberal friends think quite the opposite, of course. The hard right (rock-ribbed Republicans, as my Dad would have said) reject everything Obama says or does as wrong-headed and Socialist. The Left accepts everything he says or does as being brilliant and enlightened. In other words, he’s the Democrat version of George W. Bush.

I don’t know much about Satan or Lucifer or Beelzebub or whatever you call him. The Bible doesn’t talk that much about him, either. All this stuff about him being the proudest angel and falling from grace, etc., isn’t in the Bible. Regardless, I know he’s bad news. He tempts us with all kinds of evil. I can’t endorse that behavior, although I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed a few of his temptations. He’s also the overlord of Hell, which is bad in all possible ways with its lakes of fire, weeping and wailing and the obligatory gnashing of teeth.

So, why the Hell does the President look so much like Satan? There really can’t be a good explanation, UNLESS–you got it–he IS Satan. Okay, I know that’s a stretch. What if he’s just the Anti-Christ? The evidence is disturbing to say the least:

The Westboro Baptist Church thinks he’s the Anti-Christ. That’s a credible source for theological truths. They also think the U.S. Army is dominated by homosexuals.
The Obamacare microchip implants are certainly a bad sign. The Mark of the Beast.
The name “Barack” has 6 letters, as in 6-6-6. How convenient.
He’s black. The History Channel has proven that Satan is, too. Plus, Satan is always called things like the “Dark One.”
As we all know from the film Jesus Christ Superstar, Judas was black. Coincidence?
Although the Bible says nothing about the age of the Anti-Christ, isn’t there at least a decent chance he would be about Obama’s age?
It is well-known that the Anti-Christ will be a charismatic figure, much like–you guessed it!–Obama.
Revelation 13:5-8 says the Anti-Christ will rule for 42 months. That’s fairly close to one term of Obama’s presidency.
There’s even a website that questions whether he’s the Anti-Christ. If he weren’t, why would someone go to all that trouble?
Michael Savage says Obama is “the most evil” President ever. That’s good enough for me.
This passage from Revelation 13 succinctly describes Obama:
- [1] And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy.
  [2] And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.
  [3] And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.
  [4] And they worshiped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshiped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? Who is able to make war with him?
  [5] And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.
  [6] And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven.
  [7] And it was given unto him to make war with the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations.
  [8] And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world
They might as well put a photo of Obama next to this passage. Sixty or seventy years ago, a lot of churches thought the Papacy was the Anti-Christ. Don’t they look silly now?

Those of you with a conservative bent are probably smiling. Maybe you’re thinking: “He can’t be serious, but, you know, all that makes sense.” If you’re over there on the Left, you may be angry, thinking: “Another right-wing Nazi making fun of the greatest President ever.” If you’re really far Left, you’re probably an atheist anyway and just generally offended by anything hinting at religion. You don’t have faith in anything, except the Government, that is (that’s big G Government, just like big G God). Oddly enough, atheists now worship a man who has been a Christian his entire adult life.

All this naturally leads to my next line of inquiry. If we dismiss Obama as Satan or even the Anti-Christ, what if my friends on the Left are correct and he is a great man–the greatest man? Consider:

We know nothing of Jesus’s teen or young adult years. The same can be said of Obama whose formative years remain shrouded in mystery.
Some people think Jesus looked like this:

The resemblance is uncanny.

Jesus was black. Okay, I have no direct or indirect proof of this, but isn’t it at least possible? The Bible doesn’t say he wasn’t black. Don’t you find that suspicious? I do. Besides, look at his picture!
Like Jesus, Obama has fed the multitudes. In Obama’s case, it’s with food stamps, but the effect is similar.
Obama made Chris Matthews’ leg tingle. That has to be some kind of miracle.
Louis Farrakhan once said of Obama “The Messiah is speaking.” He never says anything nutty.
Speaking of miracles, Obama got a black man elected President of the United States–TWICE!
Jesus and Obama are both excellent public speakers.
Both were carpenters. I’m little thin on facts to support this one, but it hasn’t been dis-proven to my satisfaction.
We all know that Jesus was born of a virgin mother, but what of Obama? What do we know of his so-called “father?” Not much. Did he even exist? If not, why not?
I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t have a birth certificate, either.
One can persuasively argue that Jesus, too, was a community organizer. He organized an entire religion!
Jesus’s followers were the meek, the downtrodden, the poor in spirit. Isn’t this exactly what folks on the Right say of Obama’s supporters?

Before you condemn me to the Lake of Fire, I am not suggesting that Obama is the Messiah or even a Messianic figure. I only ask the questions that others fear. Not surprisingly, I have no answers.

As with any serious theological debate, there are countervailing arguments. If he were God or something similar, it’s hard to understand why Rand Paul wasn’t smited during his recent filibuster. If he were Satan or one of his minions, one would think he would try to woo the religious Right instead of constantly enraging them. We can’t allow such obvious inconsistencies to derail our reckless speculation.

The Bible is thin on details describing Satan. I’ll admit that Revelation contains an excellent description of the Anti-Christ what with the two heads and whatnot. Although the Bible makes it clear that Jesus will return, it is equally explicit that we don’t know when or where. Using those criteria, it is impossible to eliminate Obama. Thus, we may never know the answer until it’s too late.

If Obama is Satan, then where does that leave Dick Cheney? If Obama is the Messiah, then why is he a Muslim? If he is just a man, why do we have all these questions, none of which are subject to adequate answers? Have I written this under Satan’s spell or by divine inspiration? Where does Glenn Beck fit in to all of this? Why does Rachel Maddow look like a dude? We may never know the answers to these and other questions.

So, where are we? I don’t know. Maybe Obama is an Ivy League-educated ideologue who surrounds himself with like-minded people–a decent family man with whom a lot of people (myself included) vehemently disagree on some issues. The Liberal George W. Bush. NOW, I’m talking crazy.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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World War X-MAS

None of us will ever forget where we were and what we were doing when we heard that war had broken out against Christmas. Once the War on Christmas began, our lives were never the same. Sorry to be a smart ass. I can’t help it.

Are you a soldier in the War on Christmas? If so, which army? How’s it going? Looks like Christmas is winning, but it depends on whom you ask.

As a matter of full disclosure, I must tell you that I like Christmas. Check that. I love Christmas. I always have. I’m tempted to lie and say that it’s because of some religious fervor that possesses me. That’s not it. I just love it. The presents, music, decorations–all of it. My house is a garish display of lights. We buy our kids too much stuff and don’t care.

My home is a prime target for a drone strike in the War on Christmas

Once when I was about 6 years old, I got so fired up one Christmas morning that I sat down and drank like 6 glasses of milk. Why? I don’t know. I just went mental. I puked, too. I was totally unhinged with excitement. But, that was before the War.

Unlike most wars, this one creates debate about whether it even exists. The War even has its own website. Not surprisingly, Fox News has its own web page devoted to the War. If it’s on the Internet, it has to be real. Even the Pope was accused of attacking Christmas by quite correctly pointing out that December 25 isn’t really Jesus’s birthday. Others are just as adamant that there is no war. So, whether you are a far left atheist still mourning the untimely murder of Madeline Murray O’Hare or a hard right evangelical longing to feel the lash of religious persecution, there is a camp for you.

It is said that Christmas is a time for giving. For many, it is a holy time to celebrate the savior of their religion. These folks, of course, are Christians. Generally speaking, they’re good folks. Like any religion, the loudest and most profane are typically front and center, giving a black eye to the larger flock. Many Christians believe that there is a war being waged against Christmas. I suppose it would be inappropriate to call it a Holy War, but they are convinced nonetheless that they are in the midst of a struggle to preserve Christmas. I don’t doubt that they believe there is a war and that it must be fought tooth and nail.

Of all religious holidays, Christmas certainly has spawned its own secular division, with Santa Claus and the elves leading the way. Evidently, we are so unlikely to freely give gifts to children that someone conceived that a fat man and a bunch of elf/slaves was more believable. Flying reindeer, too. For the most part, though, Santa and Jesus have peacefully coexisted. Despite appearing to be the logical choice to lead this war, Santa seems to be sitting it out. As a result, I’m not sure who leads this gang of misfit toys assailing Christmas. I’ll just attribute it to the Liberal Elite.

If the War on Christmas has Commander in Chief for the defense, it may be Bill O’Reilly. You know Bill. He’s Fox News’s agent provocateur. He developed the modern TV interview format where you ask a guest a question and then shout until he or she gives up trying to answer. Bill sums up his view of the War as follows:

See, I think it’s all part of the secular progressive agenda — to get Christianity and spirituality and Judaism out of the public square. Because if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious- based, usually.

Wow. Judaism? Uh, Bill, Jews don’t think Jesus was the messiah. Not sure what the point is on that one. Of course, Bill’s larger point is that it’s part of a conspiracy to destroy society. I’ll admit that Bill sees a lot of things in the world that I don’t, but he’s bound to be right sometimes. Let’s take a closer look at the bloody front lines of the War.

Christmas greetings are controversial. I don’t know anyone who is grossly offended by a greeting of “Merry Christmas!” Now, I’ll admit that I’m a bit of home body and live an insular lifestyle. Maybe there are people who curse and stomp and throw things when they hear this common holiday greeting. If you’re one of those people, lighten up. It’s no big deal.

What I DO hear a lot of is people offended by “Happy Holidays!” It’s Christmas, damn you! I know people SO offended by this they vow not to patronize businesses that dare to offend with this greeting. Why? I guess it’s because they’re afraid they’ll be euthanized after having a narcotics-induced abortion. I don’t really know.

As always, children are also casualties of war. On Facebook, this meme is making the rounds:

This is the world that many people inhabit. Anti-Christian thugs coming after our children

This hasn’t happened to my children–yet. I realize that this cartoon is a bit a hyperbole used to illustrate some point. My kids have always had parties at school around Christmas time. Okay, they don’t officially call them Christmas parties, but that’s what the kids call them. I’ll admit that they don’t re-enact the Nativity. They also don’t participate in pagan rituals, unless eating a bunch of sweets is pagan.

When I was kid, we had Christmas parties at school. We even had a Christmas play. I was a shepherd. Is this horrible? I doubt it. Is it a questionable use of school time? Maybe. It probably didn’t harm anyone, with the possible exception of my one classmate who had to sit in the hall in a chair. She was a Jehovah’s Witness. Actually, it may have harmed me. No six year old kid wants to be paraded out in front of the entire school in a bathrobe. Oh well.

1968. Your author (L) gives his mother an unforgiving stare. At least she didn’t make me wear a towel on my head like the poor lad next to me.

Much of the War is a matter of semantics. Of course, people may be too politically correct these days. With Christmas everywhere, it’s a little odd to say “Happy Holidays.” A “Merry Christmas” here and there shouldn’t offend. Generally speaking, it doesn’t seem to have that effect. The same should be true of “Happy Holidays.” After all, it is the holiday season. Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years Day are all holidays to some extent. Even pagans can celebrate the Winter Solstice which must be some kind of holiday, too.

I may be part of the problem, if there is one. I tend to say Merry Christmas to people, without giving a thought to their religious views. I’ve never gotten a response of “THERE IS NO GOD!” or “I AM JEWISH, YOU BASTARD!” Maybe I’ve been lucky. I’m much more concerned about saying “Happy Holidays” to the wrong person.

Some people don’t like “Xmas.” Put Christ back in Christmas, they say. They take it as a secular attempt to remove Jesus from his own holiday. This isn’t true, of course. The “X” is the Greek letter Chi which is used as a shorthand for “Christ.” Oh well, never let the facts get in the way of righteous outrage.

Retailers seem to be the prime combatants in this war. Rage is directed toward them for the use of “holidays” instead of “Christmas.” In some cases, it was the result of such silliness as Lowe’s calling its Christmas trees “Family Trees.” I don’t know if this justifies religious outrage, as much as it does treating them like marketing dolts. Who ever bought a Family Tree? Not me, that’s for sure. We already have Family Trees, otherwise we wouldn’t know any of our relatives.

Even Santa Claus isn’t spared. Some folks don’t like the emphasis on Santa. After all, he isn’t Jesus, now, is he? Of course, he isn’t. In the 1960’s, a particularly vile anti-Semitic preacher named George L.K. Smith claimed that Santa was the product of “World Jewry” (whatever the hell that is) designed to supplant Christ. After all, “Santa” almost spells “Satan.” That can’t be a coincidence. See how easy it is to join in?

You want to know who the real anti-Christmas warriors were? The Puritans. Those tight-asses hated Christmas. Hated it. They hated it so much that they outlawed all the traditional celebrations. Now, that’s a war.

As with most wars, the government plays a big role. People like Christmas trees, and the government wastes a lot of resources trying to decide what to call them. At the end of the day, few people care that they are, in fact, Christmas trees. Naturally, there is litigation over Nativity displays and the like. Even though they don’t offend me, I can understand that one might think the government shouldn’t be in the practice of endorsing any particular religion. I’m not sure I could get fired up enough about it to spend any time in court.

Of course, some folks believe that the U.S. was founded as a Christian Nation™, despite strong historical proof to the contrary. It’s not my job to disabuse them of that notion, although I would note that our government didn’t even bother making Christmas (or anything else, for that matter) a holiday until 1870. (Surprisingly, our founding fathers weren’t all eaten up with the Christmas spirit. In fact, the first session of Congress was held on Christmas Day. Talk about a bunch of Scrooges.)

Truth be told, in our country, no religious holiday is given the same deference as Christmas, with the closing of businesses and government services and a non-stop marketing onslaught which starts just after Labor Day. Employers are not only expected to give their employees time off work but also to give them extra money–a Christmas Bonus, no less. We don’t do that for Easter, the holiest of times for Christians. We don’t do anything at all for Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. Try starting a holiday for Laylat al-Qadr. You might end up in Gitmo for your next evening of prayer. Even our entertainment is Christmas themed. Turn on the radio and scan the stations. Bet you’ll hear a Christmas song or two. What about TV and movies? Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.

John Lennon wrote a song called Merry Christmas (War is Over). I don’t care for it, just as I don’t particularly care for many of his post-Beatles songs. But I do think that this war, whenever it started, is over. Christmas won. So, when you hear “Happy Holidays” or get a card saying that, take heart. Merry Christmas is implied. We know that’s what they really mean don’t we?

As lawyer, I’m quite fond of quotations. The Kentucky Court of Appeals penned my favorite legal quote, which is particularly applicable here:

In the celebrated case of Prewitt v. Clayton, 21 Ky. (5 T.B. Mon.) 4, this court, through Chief Justice Bibb, observed:

‘“A bear well painted and drawn to the life is yet the picture of a bear, although the painter may omit to write over it, ‘this is the bear.’”

By parity of reasoning, the bear does not lose its basic characteristics if the artist dubs it a horse.

The First National Bank of Mayfield v. Gardner, Ky., 376 S.W. 2d 311, 314-315 (1964). The same applies to Christmas. A bear is a bear, and Christmas is Christmas. Neither one is a horse.

Ultimately, this is a battle among the secular (Santa and the elves); the religious (Baby Jesus and the Wise Men); the anti-religious (Atheists); and the religious non-Christians (everyone else). In other words, the Americans. Nothing is more American than disagreeing with each other. We’ll fight amongst ourselves about anything. It’s the American Way. So, choose a side and weigh in. It’s fun.

Oh, I almost forgot. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Now, what are you going to do?

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Losing My Religion–Sort Of

Your author during a fleeting phase of religious fervor.

“That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight, losing my religion.”

—Losing My Religion, REM

I always liked that song, mainly because of its odd lyrics. Plus, you can make up almost anything to go with it. That’s me in the kitchen… That’s me in the bathtub… Anyway, I like it, but it has nothing to do with this post.

My seminal blog post on Radio Preachers, plus several recent events, got me thinking about my religion or-more accurately-lack thereof. What I call religion is the basis of one’s particular faith: Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, etc. Each of these has its own subsets. Christianity alone gives us Catholicism, Episcopalians, Baptists, Lutherans, Methodists, Mormons, Pentecostals, and many, many others. There are Calvinists and Arminians. Snake-handlers and faith-healers. Evangelicals. The Dutch Calvinists actually reformed their church, although I’m not sure what was wrong with it to start with. Islam and Judaism, too, give us many different versions. As with politics, I am sometimes asked: “What are you?” Hmmm.

I consider myself Christian. Pretty weak response, huh? What if someone asks me if I’m married, and I respond: “I consider myself married.” The listener will think: “Is he married?” “Is he gay?” “Is he widowed?” “Why does he just ‘consider’ himself married?” It doesn’t sound like I’m very committed, does it? I’m not, and that’s the problem, if there is one. Of course, I’m talking about the religion thing, not marriage. I AM married. Let’s make that clear.

The 20th Century was the Golden Era of Christian Apologists. Now, don’t get your back up. No one was apologizing for being a Christian. Rather, there was a great deal of writing in defense of Christianity. C.S. Lewis, known to many for The Chronicles of Narnia, was the heavy hitter of the apologists. His book Mere Christianity is the best book I’ve ever read on religion and Christianity, in particular. It’s better than the Bible as far as explaining it. Okay, all my devoutly Christian friends, I’m sure that raised your hackles. If you don’t know what hackles are, trust me–yours are raised. Settle down. Lewis wrote of the Christian Trilemma, which was a kind of framework which apologists used for a lot of their writing. It goes like this:

The two other Abrahamic religions, Islam (Lewis called it “Mohammedism”) and Judaism, recognize Jesus only as teacher, all round good guy and prophet. This can’t be, and here’s why:

If he is what he says he is, he’s the son of the living God and the Messiah. Strong stuff.
If he isn’t what he says he is–but thinks he is–he’s insane. Thus, all his teachings and prophecy are questionable, at best.
If he isn’t what he says he is–and knows he isn’t–he’s a liar and con man. Why believe anything he says?

I never could buy into options 2 and 3. So, I stuck with No. 1. Not very inspiring, huh? I’ll be the first to admit that I over-think these things. Thinking too much is the mortal enemy of faith.

This post is only about Christianity, because that’s the only religion I’ve ever had the least bit of interest in. I tried my hand at church. Really, I did. I wasn’t “raised” in church, as some like to say. We went to Sunday School periodically. That’s about it. As an adult, I gave it good shot and attended church fairly regularly for a while. I even got baptized. Then, just about at the point of really getting into it, I lost interest. Strange? You bet. Nevertheless, I’ve held on to some of it and discarded the rest.

I don’t know why I’m writing this post. Maybe to get it off my chest. Many are likely to be offended, but that doesn’t bother me. It would, however, be a mistake to believe that I want you to believe my view of things. I don’t. If I’m the only one, that’s cool. Wouldn’t be the only time I was right and the rest of you were wrong.

I learned to read some. I read the Bible quite a bit. I can’t understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it.

–Karl Childers, Sling Blade

I’ve drawn a lot of wisdom from Karl. Plus, he’s fun to imitate. His view of the Bible sums up my take on it. Surprisingly, I’ve read the Bible cover to cover. I’ve studied it. I’ve read books about it. I understand a lot of it, but it still puzzles me. The Old Testament God was a vengeful force. He didn’t hesitate to engage in smiting and punishment. The Old Testament itself is a violent, sexually-charged series of books which touch on almost every vile subject imaginable. Genocide, slavery, child abuse, rape and murder are all frequent topics. Bad stuff.

Marcion of Sinope was a bishop of the early Christian Church. So horrified was he by the Old Testament that he repudiated that God as being anti-Christian. For this, he was excommunicated. Oh well.

I identify with Marcion. He lived in the 1st Century. There were probably people who knew a lot of about Jesus the man still around. I also can’t reconcile the New Testament God with the vengeful, smiting God of the Old Testament. Old Testament God raged until he went silent and left the raging to his prophets.

The Old Testament urges us to kill our children if they are disrespectful, yet it is surprisingly tolerant of slavery. Killings, beatings and all manner of debauchery were the order of the day. No one wonder God goes silent toward the end of the Old Testament. He’s worn out.

We want to believe in the vengeful God when we want vengeance, the kind God when we want forgiveness. No one wants to do all the burnt offering stuff in the Old Testament, but a lot of folks like the eye-for-an-eye. Me? I read the Old Testament for the entertainment value and the New Testament for the Christianity.

Pray to God, but row away from the rocks.

–Hunter Thompson

That pretty much sums up my prayer life. Of course, since Hunter Thompson shot himself, maybe I should find a more centered theologian. Prayer is the one topic where I have heard the most divergent views, even from those I consider devoutly Christian.

I pray. I do. Sometimes I’m not sure why or what I’m praying to, but I do it anyway. I’m not supposed to say that, of course, but it’s the truth. Why do I do it? Because, for me, it works. Now, I’ll admit that I don’t have the ability to call down God to take care of all my woes. For example, if I’m really behind at work, I can’t ball up in the floor and have God show up and take care of everything. I have to row away from the rocks. I also can’t call in God to heal all my relatives and keep them alive forever. Wish I could.

People tell me that you can pray for money and get it. You can pray to be healed from otherwise incurable diseases and be cured. You can pray to protect people, and they’ll be protected. You can pray to elect someone to political office, and they’ll be elected. The list is endless. You can pray these things for yourself or others. Check out Facebook, there are calls for prayer all the time. If you’ve had these experiences, I’m happy for you. I won’t argue with you about it.

I’ve made people very angry talking about prayer when I tell them that I never have change in circumstances. I can pray until my knees are bloody for God to protect our troops overseas. Someone of them will die anyway. Many others will be maimed for life. In the past, I prayed for people’s health and then watched them die. Well-meaning folks say that it just wasn’t God’s will. Hard to argue with that. But, if not God’s will, praying for it to happen won’t do any good, will it? Likewise, if it is God’s will, does he only respond if I ask him or 10 people ask? That’s all too complicated for me.

What I get is a change in ME. I come to accept things the way they are and try to do the right thing in all circumstances. I’ve had folks on the other end of the spectrum tell me that’s just a placebo effect. Maybe so, but I like it. In my world (where I alone dwell), being able to call down God to fix all my problems would really make me God. That would certainly be a dangerous situation for the rest of mankind.

I’ve had many folks bristle at my description of prayer. They tell me that God healed them and their families. He saved them from dire circumstances. That all may be true, but it is not my experience. Plus, I’m a cynic. I once saw an interview with Oral Roberts’s brother. He said something very simple and without any apparent malice toward Oral. He wondered why, if Oral had the power that he claims, Oral didn’t spend all his days in children’s hospitals. (Note–please resist the urge to browbeat me over this. It’s a valid point). Indeed, why wouldn’t he?

Jesus gave an example of how to pray, the Lord’s Prayer. It’s pretty simple, basic stuff. He doesn’t ask for money or health or boundless good luck. Basically, he says your will be done, give us our basic necessities and forgive us to the extent we forgive others. The End.

Hey, Mama! Look at me! I’m on my way to the promised land. I’m on the highway to Hell…”

–Highway to Hell, AC/DC

I’m a Hell agnostic. I just don’t get it. A loving God sends his son to die for mankind and then tortures a good number of them eternally. I know, I know. It’s not God punishing them but Satan. I get that part. Still seems pretty harsh.

Jesus didn’t dwell on Hell like a lot of his followers do. If I had been Him–and I’m not as far you know–I would have added this to the Sermon on the Mount: “Now, pay attention: If you don’t follow me and believe in me, you’re going straight to Hell when you die. Burning, weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth–the whole shooting match. It’s going to be awful. Trust me on this. If for no other reason than to avoid this, you should pay close attention to what I said today. Thanks!” That would sure have cleared up a bunch of stuff.

Make no mistake about one thing: When people ask you if you’re “saved” (they ask that a lot in Kentucky, by the way), they mean saved from Hell. My typical response is “I’m pretty comfortable with my status.” A piece of advice: Don’t borrow that. It never works. It just leads to more questions and the inescapable conclusion that the yawning mouth of Hell awaits.

Carlton Pearson is an interesting fellow. He’s a minister, but I guess he calls himself a bishop of something. He’s a former protegé of Oral Roberts. He doesn’t believe in Hell. It’s that simple. I’m not sure I agree with all he says, of course, since I don’t agree with almost anyone on any subject, but it’s a fascinating ministry. As you might expect, he’s also considered a heretic in some circles, which likely condemns him to the Hell in which he does not believe. He operates from a simple premise: No one really knows what happens when you die. Wow. That’s some strong stuff for a preacher to say, but I agree. I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone else does, either. Now, some folks have great faith in Heaven and the same faith in Hell. I don’t have faith in Hell.

Here’s where I lose faith in Hell. I’ve known lots of good, fine people–some in my own family–who either weren’t Christians or were Christians in the loosest sense of the word. I just don’t see these otherwise fine folks burning for all eternity in misery. Ghandi? Hell. The Dalai Lama? Hell. Thomas Jefferson? Hell. All the people who never heard of Christianity? Hell. Hell’s bells, indeed. God doesn’t drive that hard a bargain.

Now, there seems to be a consensus (with the likely exception of the Westboro Baptist Church) that small children don’t take the rocket sled to Hell, but I’m not sure why. Probably because it just wouldn’t be decent. A Hell crammed full of kids just seems mean. No kids allowed.

To believe in God is impossible. To not believe in Him is absurd.

–Voltaire

By now, you’re probably saying: This guy is some kind of atheist. Sorry to disappoint, but no, I’m not. There isn’t “some kind” of atheist. Atheism is an all or nothing game. You believe in nothing. In my youth, I pondered whether I was an atheist at one point, until I realized that atheism requires the utmost, unshakable faith–absolute certitude. I can never get there. Christianity–and religion in general–has a lot more wiggle room. A mustard seed of faith, as Jesus noted, is all one needs. That won’t cut it with atheism. You can’t say: “Hey, I’m willing to believe that there is no God. Tell me more!” Atheists don’t allow doubt.

I’m told that the Earth was formed like 60 bazillion years ago by a big explosion out of nothingness and that life started and evolved over billions of years. I can’t really argue with that, because I just don’t know. I guess I believe that, but it takes a big leap of faith to do so. For my mind, it’s no easier to believe that than it is to believe in God.

If you ARE an atheist, I don’t care. It doesn’t offend me, and I’m not going to try to make you believe what I do. Like Thomas Jefferson said, it doesn’t harm me if you believe in 20 gods or none. Carry on.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there

–H.L. Mencken

I’m a back slider, as the Baptists say. I don’t like going to church. That’s not a good thing, I don’t suppose. Just a fact. I’m not sure why. I think it’s just boring to me. Again, I’m not all swelled up with pride over that, either. I’d like to have the enthusiasm for it that I see in some people.

I don’t care if people at church are hypocrites. Isn’t the church where they SHOULD be? Seems to me that we should want all the worst sinners to show up every time the doors are open. It’s probably where I need to be, too. I’d like to get into it, but it never took. I didn’t lose my religion as much as I just had a tenuous grasp on it. I’m lucky to have held on to any of it.

Could be that when we die, we meet God. We might look around and see Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists and Christians of all stripes–everyone. I would say: “Uh, God, what’s the deal? How’d they get in?” I imagine God saying: “Look, since the Tower of Babel, I gave up on you people being able to do much together. I knew if I gave you only one way to get here, you’d screw it up. So, I gave you some alternatives.” But, I’d have to ask: “Ok, but what about the ones who, you know, didn’t believe anything?” God would say: “Oh, them? They went straight to Hell, of course. You all weren’t wrong about EVERYTHING!”

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