Help A Drowning Man

I am awash in a sea of bad information. How did this happen? I’ve spent too much time in the ocean of social media where information is plentiful, but accuracy is sacrificed for speed and volume. How does this happen? The easy answer, of course, is that people are idiots. This knee jerk response is just as flawed as the flotsam vomited out on social media even as you read this. People love outrage. More precisely, they love to be outraged. This is especially true when politics and religion are involved. This causes otherwise intelligent and thoughtful folks to randomly post thoughts, memes and links which are related to reality only by the thin thread of having originated from someone’s mind.

Another answer might be that I spend too much time on social media and should do something else like a read book. No thank you, Egg Head. That ain’t happening. We need to work together.

Phil Robertson is now the millstone around my neck. If you don’t know who Phil is, then good for you. You aren’t into social media and perhaps spend your time writing poetry. If so, you’re probably not reading this anyway. Phil is a “reality TV” star. His show, Duck Dynasty, is entertaining. It certainly seems scripted to me, but what do I know? Perhaps Phil and his family became multi-millionaires while bumbling about like…well…reality TV stars.

I won’t rehash what Phil did. There’s no point in doing so. He said things that pissed people off or made people happy. Outrage ensued. Many folks–again, otherwise intelligent–have risen to his defense by citing his right to “free speech.” One poster on Facebook said “What the hell happened to free speech in this country?” The answer is nothing, because Phil’s opinions have nothing to do with free speech. “But, but, but…he got FIRED!!” You are correct. He did get fired. Free speech, unfortunately, doesn’t prevent that. “YES, IT DOES!” you scream. Let’s read the First Amendment of the United States Constitution:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

[Note how I helpfully highlighted the part about “Congress.”] Congress has made no law regarding speech which affects Phil at all. In fact, no government official has done anything to Phil. Maybe you love what he said about gay people and African-Americans. If so, you have found some common ground with radical Islam. Maybe you’re a Libertarian sort who supports everyone’s right to speak his or her mind. I really don’t care. But, let’s all agree to never invoke the First Amendment again on this issue. We’ll all feel better. I know I do. Thanks.

It’s not only the plain language of our Constitution which cause confusion. Easily verified claims also drive us to hysteria. Here’s a favorite example. Occasionally, a meme makes the rounds about Presidential and Congressional pensions. It reads:

WAGES

Salary of retired US Presidents……………………….$450,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of House/Senate members……………………$174,000 FOR LIFE

Salary of Speaker of the House……………………….$223,500 FOR LIFE

Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders………………….$194,400 FOR LIFE

Average salary of a soldier DEPLOYED IN AFGHANISTAN ……$38,000

Average income for Seniors on Social Security …………………$12,000

I think we found where the cuts should be made! If you agree, pass it on!

Aren’t you outraged? This is patently insane. Why would these people get paid for life!?!?! What kind of country do we live in? That’s a valid question but not because of this. The above information–while outrageous–is incorrect in almost every way. None of these people–not even the President–gets full salary for life. It simply is not true. Does this stop folks from being outraged about it? Of course not. Variations of this meme have been posted many times on social media. The comments are fairly frothing with their condemnation. Here’s my suggestion: When you see something that is so inane as to make you want to immediately post it on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, stop and think. Since you’re probably on the Internet at the time, do a simple search. Check the facts. You’ll be amazed how easy it is to confirm or counter such things. Again, we’ll all be better for it, and you won’t look like an uninformed ass.

Then there are the half-truths, those items of interest based in reality but twisted into something sort of whole truth. Here’s a meme making the rounds:

The House of Representatives passed a budget bill cutting pensions for veterans. (Not “Veteran’s”). That much is true. The reduction is actually a reduction of the cost of living increase for certain pensions. It’s what I call a “Government Cut.” A “private cut” is where you make less money next year than you made this year. It only applies to certain veterans–ones deemed young enough to re-enter the work force. Now, don’t get me wrong. This seems like a bad idea. We’ve worn out our military with endless wars. The least we could do is leave their pensions alone. On the other hand, don’t worry about veterans actually getting a cut in their pensions. The private sector, where there are no pensions anymore, is the only place that happens.

This is a prime example of excellent propaganda. Take a grain of truth, twist into something outrageous and scare everyone. Remember that Hitler got elected by scaring the hell out of people. There’s a reason he had a Ministry of Propaganda. It works.

Finally, there are those debates that rage over opinions. Most of these involve politics or religion–two topics which civilized people never discuss. Bear this in mind: There are two sides or more to each such debate:

Obamacare: POINT–The program is already failing and far too expensive for the country to afford. Socialized medicine will lead to reduced services for everyone. COUNTERPOINT–It’s the law. Give it time, and the kinks will get worked out. If socialized medicine is so horrible, why do we provide it to our military veterans. Wouldn’t they be better off buying their healthcare in the market?
Phil Robertson: POINT–He’s free to speak his mind and express his faith. Leave him alone. COUNTERPOINT–People are also free to be offended by his comments. We don’t have to leave him alone.
NSA: POINT–The Government is only gathering data. They have no way to do anything with it. COUNTERPOINT: Yet. There is nothing more un-American than spying on your citizenry.
TAXES: POINT–Let’s raise taxes on the highest earners. This would quickly fix all our fiscal problems. COUNTERPOINT–Our government has a history of spending every penny it brings in–and more. Until we fix that, more revenue won’t help.

These few examples show how it works. There are two sides to all theses issues. It just depends on your political prism.

Of course, acknowledging differing opinions isn’t our way. God forbid that we be asked to actually respect another’s views. We prefer to be right. In fact, we demand it, even when we are wrong. I am fortunate to have friends from all walks of life. Their politics range from Left-leaning Communists to budding Neo-Nazis. The Right’s take on current events is a combination of moral outrage, moral superiority (always Christian), the U.S. Constitution (if you don’t like something, it’s unconstitutional) and some nostalgia (such things as whipping children are fondly recalled). The support Republicans and like all Ayn Rand quotes. The Left approaches these issues from a different angle, of course. They are intellectual titans ready to make fun of religion (always Christianity. They don’t say anything about Islam, Judaism, et al.), cite obscure authors, and engage in relentless name-calling often involving obscene language. They support Democrats and love to quote Barack Obama, Mahatma Ghandi and hate all Ayn Rand quotes, even though most of them are atheists like Rand.

Here is a typical social media exchange regarding Mr. Robertson, who has eclipsed war, world hunger and random violence as the issue of the day:

Original Post: I stand with Phil! The Bible says that we will be persecuted for Him! Christians have freedom of speech, too! Our country is being destroyed! I will never watch TV again!

[See how our friend has concisely encompassed the significant elements of right-wing rage. The Bible, persecution, morality, patriotism and broad and incorrect legal principles.]

A response from the Left naturally flows:

Comment: You can stand with that bigoted, homophobic, racist if you like. I have never seen his show. In fact, I do not own a television having traded mine for a Navajo Dream Catcher. Freedom of speech is not an issue here–offensive, racist, homophobic rhetoric is. The Bible supports all manner of prejudice. I suggest you read the collected works of Bertrand Russell instead.

[Our Leftist chum has countered with his own salvo. He engages in name calling that far exceeds anything Mr. Robinson has done but does so from a perch of intellectual superiority. He is above mere TV watching. He concludes his concise commentary by inferring that atheist mathematician/philosopher Bertrand Russell is a better source for moral guidance than the Holy Bible. Well done.]

This exchange will continue with many additional posts by these and other commentators. The Right will contend they are right because, well, they are right…or Right. The Left will froth and name-call, even resorting to the use of vulgarities to make their points. Ultimately, no one makes any sense and everyone is angry.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I have engaged in this foolishness on occasion, especially when legal principles are misstated. I forget my advantages in this regard: 1) I have actually read the Constitution; and 2) I graduated from law school. I, too, have been called names. One Lefty even called me a racist for correctly noting that the ubiquitous George Zimmerman is Hispanic. I countered with own my stream of obscenities. It’s easy to fall into this trap. I do not judge.

Let’s all commit to work as one to make all this easier for me. After all, wouldn’t the world be a better place if things suited me? Don’t be a racist, homophobic, liberal, conservative, Communistic Neo-Nazi, Bible-thumping Atheist.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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The Republicratic Commonwealth of Kentucky

Someone sent me an insightful email suggesting that each state in the United States declare its own sovereignty and refuse to follow any federal laws except those they find acceptable. It also recommends such things as jailing of illegal immigrants, drug testing welfare recipients, no gun laws and other acts of sovereignty. It got me thinking about doing this in my home state, the Commonwealth of Kentucky.

If you’ve read much of this self-indulgent blog of mine, you know I’m a lawyer. Anything like that email sets my mind spinning. For instance, states can’t refuse to follow federal law. We have a local sheriff here in Kentucky who claims that he won’t enforce any new gun laws and will arrest anyone who does. Once you get past the laughable image of this guy trying to arrest FBI and ATF agents, you can see that such defiance–if real–amounts to insurrection.

This type of “sovereignty” is secession from the union. States have no right to secede. Before you start screaming, read Texas v. White from the United States Supreme Court. That’s the law. There are exceptions. First, there is armed rebellion. Second is by agreement. Since Kentucky doesn’t have a military (The National Guard belongs to the feds but more on that later), we’d have to hope for agreement of the rest of the states. Let’s face it, we’re Kentucky. They might let us leave. It wouldn’t hurt to ask.

Nevertheless, I’m willing to ignore the United States Constitution and decades of jurisprudence to entertain the notion of Kentucky as its own sovereign state. What would we look like?

GOVERNMENT

We call Kentucky a Commonwealth, just like Virginia, Pennsylvania and Massachusetts call themselves. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a leftover from colonial times. The only problem I have with it is that it sounds vaguely communistic. Let’s move on.

As some Americans are aware, we have a republican democracy. We elect representatives who (theoretically, at least) represent our interests. They pass laws which are executed by our executive branch and enforced by our courts. Some believe we have the greatest country on Earth with the greatest form of government. I say bullshit to that.

If we’re going to secede, that means we don’t like the federal government. We don’t want it. We don’t need it. There’s no point in looking anything like it. Kentucky has 4.25 million people spread over a mind-boggling 120 counties. Each county is already its own little fiefdom with elected officials, courthouses, graft and whatnot. I say let each one run its own affairs. They can set up their own governments. Most will likely become dictatorships in short order–assuming they aren’t already, but give the people what they want.

We’ll be a sort of confederacy of counties, but we’ll still need a constitution of some kind. Kentucky has a constitution, of course. It is approximately 60,000 pages long. Okay, that’s a lie, but it seems that long what with all the bizarre amendments made to it over the years. It’s going to have to be revamped.

One problem is that it is very similar to the United States Constitution. It makes little sense to break away from federal rule only to keep in place the same framework that led to our secession. We probably need the Bill of Rights, and Kentucky’s is pretty similar to the feds. I say we copy the Bill of Rights except the Second Amendment which will now read:

The right to keep and bear arms is absolute and shall not be limited or constrained by any law, regardless of reasonableness or necessity. “Arms” means anything that can kill people or animals, whether intentionally or accidentally.

We probably should replace “Governor” with something like “King” or “Pharaoh” in the rest of it. Honestly, I’ve never read the whole thing. I don’t think anyone else has, either. Maybe we can keep the rest of it.

We’re not the smartest people. Let’s don’t make it too complicated. Maybe we can start out with anarchy and see what happens.

Regardless of the form of government, what will life in our new nation be like?

GUNS

This is an easy one–no gun laws. None. No knife or sword laws, either. Why can’t I defend my family with a saber if I want? Maybe I want to scatter bear traps around my yard. So be it. Napalm doesn’t incinerate people. People incinerate people.

No background checks. Why can’t a crazy man defend himself from real and imagined threats? The nuttier you are the more guns you should have. How else will we protect the criminally insane?

Next topic.

RELIGION

This is another easy one. We’ll have the Ten Commandments posted everywhere. I mean everywhere–schools, buses, government buildings, private property, sporting events. Without that irrational United States Supreme Court to interfere, we can even post the entire Book of Deuteronomy if we want. Any kid who can’t describe how to build the Temple can’t graduate from high school.

We’ll pray in school–all day long if we want. It will have to be a Christian prayer, of course. Anyone caught on a prayer rug will be subject to ridicule. In fact, we might make such ridicule a constitutional right, too.

We’ll even include somewhere in our new Constitution that Jesus wrote it. That will seem crazy at first, but in a few decades people will debate whether or not it is true.

MILITARY

This one is tough. We can’t have a military. Okay, I know some of you are thinking: “Hey, the state runs the National Guard. That’s our militia.” Well, sort of but not really. Since 1903, the National Guard has been run by the feds and–more importantly–funded by the feds. We can’t do it. Plus, who are we going to fight? Hopefully, it won’t be the United States military. Have seen the toys they have?

Remember that we’re going to have plenty of weapons. I think we’ll have enough to fight off an invasion from Indiana or Tennessee. Besides, the chances of anyone wanting to take over Kentucky are pretty remote.

FINANCES

Kentucky receives about $13,000 per person in federal money per year. That’s a hell of a lot. I’m not good at math, but it’s at least billions of dollars each year. Wow.

We have all kinds of taxes in Kentucky–income, sales, property, usage (WTH?) and a bunch of others. I have no idea what it amounts to but I’m sure it’s not close to what we need. Now, that we’re off the federal teat, it’s time to tighten our belts. If we don’t, we might have to raise tax rates to 120% or so. We can survive but how?

Go for the Gold

With the feds off our backs, they’ll close Fort Campbell and Fort Knox. We’ll give them 48 hours to come and get their gold from Fort Knox–maybe we can keep a little of it, too. Would they really miss a couple of tons?

Schools

Okay, on the surface, this may seem like a big deal, given that we are dependent on the feds for school funding. Not so. Ever heard of home schooling? That’s what everyone did back in the Good Old Days when everything was better. Teach your own kids, you lazy bastards.

Our state universities will be in peril. We should be able to offer at least a few on-line courses at the Universities of Louisville and Kentucky to keep the basketball programs afloat.

Police/Fire

Here’s where our friends in the National Rifle Association will help us. Let’s take the idea of an all-volunteer school security force and expand it to all law enforcement and public safety. With the schools closed, these volunteers will be eager to help out. Besides, every community has dozens–if not thousands–of people who want to carry a gun and wear a badge. Hell, most of them would probably be willing to pay the state.

We have a long history of volunteer fire departments. Let’s just do more of that.

Highways

I’ll concede that federal highway money is helpful but only to the extent that you need highways. I suspect that Kentucky has the highest number of ATVs per capita of anywhere on Earth. If any state is ready for dilapidated highways, it’s this one.

What is Kentucky best known for? If you said illegal meth labs, that may be correct, but I’m talking about horses. We have lots of horses, but I hardly ever see anyone riding them. Saddle up.

Unemployment

Good lord, we have a lot of folks drawing disability checks in Kentucky. No more SSI and don’t expect Kentucky to pick up the slack. If you’re too infirm to work, you should really think about moving to the United States. They have systems for that kind of problem. We don’t.

Here’s how it works. If you can work, get a job. If you can’t, leave or maybe you just starve to death. Problem solved.

As far as welfare, bear in mind that’s another federal boondoggle. It has no place in our utopian world so don’t worry about drug testing. We Kentuckians will be free to consume copious amounts of drugs without fear of Big Brother staring over our shoulders.

Currency

We won’t use the worthless United States currency. We will print our own money, just like in the old days. It will bear pictures of Adolph Rupp, Daniel Boone, Jim Varney and other famous Kentuckians.

Rather than the worthless crap printed in the United States, our money will be backed by a secure commodity. We will go on the Coal Standard. Our money will be backed by the valuable coal reserves in our state, which we will now be free to mine and burn with abandon. Of course, we can’t burn too much of it or we will have to switch to the Weed Standard which also runs the risk of being burned.

HEALTHCARE

Let’s get one thing straight. No government health care–of any kind. Medicare and Medicaid–those behemoths of our former overlords–are gone. They won’t be replaced, either. We’ll adopt what I call the Bachmann Plan: If you want health insurance, get a job. If you can’t get a job, see comments above.

In fact, health care in general will be discouraged. Haven’t we all had enough of a bunch of holier-than-thou eggheads with stethoscopes telling us how to live our lives? The Founding Fathers didn’t put up with such nonsense.

You may be concerned about such inane things as public health, life expectancy and rampant disease. Given that our health care services are likely to be substandard, at least by so-called “Western” standards, we don’t need a bunch of sick people lingering around making the rest of us sick. A quick death is much better for everyone.

IMMIGRATION

We’ll just be flat against it–in all its forms. No one from a foreign country, which now will include the United States, is allowed. Anyone trying to float across the Ohio River will immediately be attacked by our fleet of coal barges. We’ll just shoot people from Tennessee. That won’t bother any Kentuckian. Hell, it probably won’t bother anyone in Tennessee, either. West Virginians will be a problem, but they’re so similar to us it won’t be a big deal.

We’ll round up all the foreigners and deport them. Anyone who looks, dresses, talks or acts the least bit different will be a suspect. We’ll just dump them in the nearest bordering state.

This may sound like a daunting task, but remember–this is Kentucky. Most people are trying to leave, not get in. We can expect enthusiastic cooperation.

We will make limited exceptions for immigrants who obtain a 5 Star Visa. This visa program will be administered by the head basketball coach at the University of Kentucky.

“HEMP”

The people of Kentucky want to legalize hemp but can’t because of the narcs in D.C. Now, we can cut right to the chase and legalize marijuana. Why? Well, it’s our number one cash crop for starters. Also, we can dispense with the foolishness of pretending we want to wear hemp clothing and shred our hands on rotted hemp rope. We want to smoke the stuff, not wear it.

MISCELLANY

Like any young nation, we’ll face challenges. Someone like Ashley Judd will try to become dictator. Louisville will probably try to declare itself a city-state like the Vatican. We’ll need to change the state motto from the axiomatic “United We Stand. Divided We Fall” to something less incongruous. We’re up to these challenges.

What if it doesn’t work out? Simple–we’ll just accept massive amounts of foreign aid from the good old U.S. of A. If that doesn’t work, we have a massive stash of chemical weapons in Richmond. That will invite an invasion by the US and the establishment of a new government. That one never fails.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2013

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Become a Constitutional Expert

People nowadays love to talk about the “Constitution.” Of course, I mean the United States Constitution. Here in Kentucky, we don’t talk much about the state constitution, except when we want to amend it for things like gambling and eliminating the Railroad Commissioner. The US Constitution is all the rage, though. It wasn’t always that way. Twenty or thirty years ago, you rarely heard people debating it, but they do now. I suspect that’s a good thing.

I’m lawyer, but I’m not a constitutional law expert. I don’t know anyone who is. Now, I do know lawyers who are skilled in certain areas like criminal procedure and civil rights. They have to know about the Constitution. I have occasionally dealt with constitutional issues, but it usually requires a fair amount of research on my part. With that disclaimer, I’m willing to bet I know as much about the Constitution as most folks. Even if I don’t, I still feel free to offer this handy guide to all you need to know about it.

One way to learn about it is to go to law school. Con Law, as we call it, is pretty dry stuff. You have to read a lot of case law. That’s a lot of work to do for something that people like Glenn Beck are free to opine about it without so much as a college education. No, you don’t have to go to that trouble. Here’s what you do: Read it. Then, realize that there is over 200 years of jurisprudence involved in interpreting and applying it. Pretty simple. But, if you’re American, it’s your Constitution, whether you went to law school or not. If you’re not American, go read whatever nutty thing you have in your inferior country.

Here’s what the Constitution won’t do for you: It doesn’t protect us from everything we don’t like. Just because we don’t like a law, for example, doesn’t make it unconstitutional. Let’s say the government brings back the military draft. It would be horribly unpopular, but it wouldn’t be unconstitutional. On the other hand, a popular law can be unconstitutional. Pretend for a moment that the government outlaws Islam. If, for one, would be horrified by that, but I know many people who would cheer. Sorry, but it would be unconstitutional.

Another point: the Constitution doesn’t guarantee “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” That’s actually in the Declaration of Independence. The Declaration of Independence isn’t part of the Constitution and wasn’t written at the same time. It’s completely different and not the basis of anything important–except the breaking away from King George deal. Forget about it, except on the 4th of July.

The guts of the Constitution are in the seven articles that made up the original document. Don’t worry about that much. It’s just a bunch of details about how the federal government is set up, interstate commerce, elections and other minutia. It’s like the Books of Numbers and Deuteronomy. It’s important, but it’s mind-numbing. It’s the amendments that get everyone worked up. The Bill of Rights is the first 10 amendments, but there are a bunch more. Here’s a summary of all you need to know about them.

FIRST AMENDMENT

Most people know something about this one: Freedom of speech, freedom of the press, freedom of assembly and freedom of religion. Here’s how it works: The government can’t make it illegal for you to call your boss a son of a bitch. If you actually call your boss a son of bitch, the government can’t do anything to you. Your boss, however, can fire you. He’s not the government. There’s no constitutional protection against people getting pissed off at you. It also allows us to lie. That’s right. You have the right to lie. But, you don’t have the right to defraud or defame people. General lying, though, is okay.

Freedom of the press works the same way. That’s why you get so worked by what you read. The press is free to express whatever opinions it wants, whether popular or not. During World Wars I and II, we kind of trampled on speech and the press, but otherwise we’ve been pretty good about protecting these.

Here’s an important tip: You can’t threaten to kill people. Constitution won’t protect you.

Assembly: Hey, if you want to join the Ku Klux Klan, go right ahead. Now, of course, that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t condemn you over it, but the government can’t throw you in jail.

Religion: The government will allow you to worship as you see fit and won’t establish a state church or religion. I know we spend all our time fretting about prayer in schools and contraception and the like, but this should be embraced by everyone. The government butts out of the religion business. Now, what the government can’t do–much to the chagrin of many–is declare the United States is a Christian, Jewish, Muslim or other nation. I know that chafes people, especially those that are unburdened by history, but it’s a fact. The Constitution itself does not make reference anywhere in it to being based upon Christianity or any other religion. In fact, just ten years after the Constitution was adopted, the United States entered into a treaty with the nation of Tripoli, which said:

Art. 11. As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion,—as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquility, of Mussulmen [Muslims],—and as the said States never entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mahometan [Muslim] nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.

There is no record of even slight debate about President Adams signing the treaty. Rather than causing people to tear at their robes (to use a favorite Biblical image), we should all be glad. No one can tell us how or what or if to worship. It’s up to us. That’s good.

SECOND AMENDMENT

Another popular one, the right to keep and bear arms. We can own guns. Yes, there can be restrictions, just like there can be on speech, but the right exists. It doesn’t mean that there can’t crimes related to the USE of guns or restrictions on possession. The bottom line is that we can be–and are–armed to the teeth. Good thing about this one is that you can become a Second Amendment fanatic or advocate. It’s a full-time job for some people. Thank you, First Amendment.

THIRD AMENDMENT

Don’t worry about this one. It’s about being forced to quarter soldiers in your home. If that happens, you don’t have to put up with it. Once, I tried to become a Third Amendment fanatic, but I couldn’t get any followers.

FOURTH AMENDMENT

This is a biggie. No unreasonable searches and seizures. The cops can’t just show up at your house and kick in the door. Understand though, that if they have a search warrant all bets are pretty much off. My criminal lawyer friends love this one and know all the ends and outs of it. You probably don’t need this one unless you are in serious trouble. If you are, I can give you a referral to a good lawyer.

This is also one of those “technicalities” often cited when charges are dropped or evidence excluded against an accused criminal. Remember that. This “technicality” is also the same kind of technicality that lets us own our guns and go to our churches.

FIFTH AMENDMENT

Anyone who watches much TV knows this one–taking the “Fifth.” There used to be Ecclesiastic courts. They would accuse you of a crime and then demand that you prove you didn’t do it. We don’t do that. The government has to prove its case against you without your help. Again, if you need this one, you’re probably in a fair amount of trouble. (See the Sixth Amendment)

SIXTH AMENDMENT

Due Process: You have the right to know what you’re charged with; the witnesses; speedy trial; right to an attorney. This is all good stuff. Government can’t hold you in jail forever without charging or telling you what you did. Folks like to say that criminals have more rights than their victims. They don’t. They have the same rights.

If you want to know what it’s like without this, check out the inmates in Gitmo. No Sixth Amendment, no rights.

SEVENTH AMENDMENT

If you get into any of the above trouble, you can have a jury under certain circumstances.

EIGHT AMENDMENT

Government can’t inflict cruel or unusual punishment or excess fines. For example, if you have outstanding parking tickets, a law putting you in jail for 100 years is a no-no. Also, a fine of $1,000,000 probably is too harsh. This also eliminates such things as burning at the stake and drawing and quartering.

What about the death penalty, you say? No problem. It’s not cruel and we certainly can’t call it unusual. Of course, this depends on the method and the reasons. Hanging, electrocution, shooting, asphyxiation by gas and deadly drugs are all okay. Burning alive and ripping apart are not good. A friend of mine once suggested sticking the condemned’s head in a bear trap. That’s probably no good, either. Must be proportionate to the offense. Murderers are fair game. Treason? You bet. After that, it gets sketchy. We used to execute rapists, kidnappers, horse thieves and pretty much anyone who seemed problematic. It’s a little tougher now, which is probably good. Probably.

NINTH AMENDMENT

Just because something isn’t listed in the previous eight amendments doesn’t mean you might not have other rights.

TENTH AMENDMENT

A lot of people love this one. Essentially, it says that anything not granted to the federal government belongs to the states. WARNING: There is a mountain of case law about this. Militias and TV talking heads love this one. Anytime you hear someone pontificate about “states’ rights” this is what they’re talking about.

ELEVENTH AMENDMENT

It has something to do with suing states in federal court. Basically, you can’t do it.

TWELFTH AMENDMENT

Fixes something screwed up about the electoral college. Move along. Nothing to see here.

THIRTEENTH AMENDMENT

Abolishes slavery. Nuff said.

FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT

States have to give you due process protection, too, not just the feds. Makes most of the first ten amendments applicable to the states, too. Oh, and the law applies to everyone equally. Has bunch of stuff in it, too, about dealing with the Confederacy.

FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT

Can’t prevent people from voting based on race, color or being a former slave.

SIXTEENTH AMENDMENT

Good news! The federal government can impose an income tax! If some nut tells you he can prove that the income tax is unconstitutional, he’s wrong.

SEVENTEENTH AMENDMENT

Senators are to elected by direct votes, instead of being chosen by their state governors. Who cares?

EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT

Hello, Prohibition! Woo hoo! No alcohol in the US!

NINETEENTH AMENDMENT

Women can vote! Woo hoo! (I guess)

TWENTIETH AMENDMENT

Something about terms of office.

TWENTY-FIRST AMENDMENT

Goodbye, Prohibition! Woo hoo! (hic!)

TWENTY-SECOND AMENDMENT

President can only serve two terms

TWENTY-THIRD AMENDMENT

The District of Columbia gets to vote in the Presidential election. Big whoop.

TWENTY-FOURTH AMENDMENT

No poll taxes. I don’t even know what that is.

TWENTY-FIFTH AMENDMENT

This is about succession if the President dies or leaves office. TIP: Don’t even bother reading this unless the President and Vice President die.

TWENTY-SIX AMENDMENT

You can vote if you’re 18.

TWENTY-SEVENTH AMENDMENT

This has to do with Congress’s salaries. To give you an idea of how hard it is to get an amendment dealing with Congressional pay, it took about 200 years to get this one ratified after it was originally proposed.

There you have it. The Constitution and all 27 amendments. You can readily see that the vast majority of these amendments are of no interest to anyone. Some–like the 13th–are a very big deal. Others, like Prohibition, are just plain stupid. The Bill of Rights is very important–except the 3rd Amendment.

It’s hard to amend the Constitution. That’s very important. It keeps us from cobbling together such things as bans against Americans holding titles of nobility and legalizing slavery, both of which never got much traction. If you want to see what a constitution looks like when it’s been frequently amended, read the Kentucky Constitution. It reads like the unabridged version of the Unabomber Manifesto.

If you’d like to learn about how the Constitution was adopted, watch the School House Rock video on the Constitution. It’s still the best thing I’ve ever seen or read about the subject.

Now, you’re an expert. Or not. But you have the right to pretend like you are. Thank you, First Amendment.

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