Eat The Rich

It’s time to be honest. We don’t like rich people, do we? Come on, you know don’t. Think about it. Don’t feel bad. It’s common. Why would Aerosmith, Krokus AND Motörhead all have songs called Eat The Rich, even though they’re all rich (okay, Krokus probably isn’t)? In fact, it’s the American Way.

Some people paint buildings with anti-rich graffitti

Who is rich? It depends. My Dad once asked–rhetorically–“Does a million dollars sound like a lot of money?” His brother responded: “It depends on what crowd you’re hanging out in.” True enough.

Some people might say I’m rich. I make a good living, pay all my bills on time and even save money. That’s rich to some folks, but not to me. To me, rich is not having to work. If you don’t have to work, you’re rich.

This angry fellow doesn’t care for the rich. Imagine the popularity of an “Eat the Poor” sign.

My definition doesn’t work all that well, though. Disabled people don’t have to work. They’d like to work, I guess, but they can’t. I suppose some poor people actually don’t have to work, either. They get by somehow. Retired people don’t have to work, but most of them don’t seem rich to me. I guess what I mean is that if I could live like I do now AND not work, I’d be rich.

Here’s my test to see if someone is rich. Go to the putative rich person’s house and use the bathroom. Rich people have rich bathrooms. Naturally, there is no stink. They have bidets. They have lotions and fancy soap. You’ll be afraid to touch the soap. The towels will be fabulous. You can just touch them, and they will absorb all the moisture from your hide. I know I’m not rich, because our towels come from Walmart. It’s like drying yourself with a raincoat. Don’t even get me started on the toilet paper of the rich. It’s like using a cashmere.

Typical rich man bathroom.

Most any American is rich compared to an impoverished person in a Third World country. Some people, however, are so stinking rich that no context is required. Bill Gates, for example. He’s worth tens of billions of dollars. Billions. That’s rich anywhere, anytime.

We don’t like that kind of rich. That’s just too damn rich. It doesn’t matter if he gives millions to charity. He damn well should. Rich bastard.

What bothers us–or at least me–is this question: Why couldn’t I think of something like a PC? You don’t even need something that complicated. Mike Nesmith of the band The Monkees is rich. Why? His mother invented Liquid Paper. I could have done that. Someone invented Velcro. Post-it Notes. Staples. Clothes pins. All these simple things, and I’m too freakin’ stupid to think of any of them. Dammit.

I’ll post this on Facebook. Mega-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook. Why didn’t I do that? Now, that punk has more money than he can ever spend.

Sometimes, we admire the rich. They are the American Dream, coming from humble beginnings. Usually, though, we’re just jealous. At least, I am.

You know what really chafes us? People who inherit piles of money. They didn’t do anything but win some kind of genetic PowerBall. That just sucks. It condemns all our prior generations as a pack of losers.

I have an ancestor who helped found Rutgers University and was the driving force behind the founding of Princeton University. The Divinity School at Harvard is named after him. It seems like a guy like that should have been rich. Apparently, he wasn’t. Loser.

My ancestors had jobs like coal miner, plumber, school teacher, carnival barker, store keeper, gas station attendant. No money in any of that. You’d think at least one of them would have invented something worthwhile.

I’ve always wanted a trust fund. I know people who have trust funds. Some of them don’t work. Some do, but not because they have to work. Some clever person in an earlier generation saw to that. Trust funds are the calling card of the rich. Man, I hate that.

You can inherit large amounts of money without having anything going for you. You just get it. No brilliant inventions or hard work. You just make it to the reading of the will. It’s no wonder we hate that.

Of course, the worst is if one of your distant relatives or, God forbid, friends becomes rich. Now, you not only face the fact that your ancestors let you down, but you have an example right in your face of your own failings. You’re left with little choice but to try your best to sponge off them whenever possible.

Some people are rich because they marry rich people. That’s especially galling. We should marry for love, but why can’t we love a rich person? Hating all of them makes that tough. Fortunately, most of us can look past that hate to at least marry someone if he or she is rich enough.

It may have been Scott Fitzgerald who said the rich are different. They are. Rich people go to rich people schools with names like The Goiter School or some other pretentious name. If your school starts with “The,” you’re probably rich, too. They go to Harvard or Yale or Princeton until they go to grad school where they end up at a state university with the rest of us. We like them until we find out they’re rich. Sometimes, we still do like them, but we’re still jealous and secretly hope they’ll give us some money or lose all theirs. Either one would be satisfying.

They have different names, too. Lots of III’s and IV’s and what have you. Names like Conroy Hollingsworth Van Dusenberger IV. You can hardly blame them, given the success of their ancestors. I’d be glad to be named after my great-uncle Stud if he’d made a fortune. You can also get nicknames like Chip and Trip and Trey. We hate names like that.

The rich belong to clubs, too. Country clubs, lunch clubs, dinner clubs, book clubs. They play croquet and badminton. Their kids play lacrosse, whatever that is. They have nannies and au pairs. They’re different. Not bad different. Just different. We hate that.

We make ourselves feel better by saying things like “money can’t buy happiness” or noting that the Bible talks about shoving camels through eyes of needles and whatnot. Of course, we fail to note that many poor and middle class people are unhappy, too. I’m sure plenty of them go to Hell, too. Unhappy, Hell-bound and not rich. Now, that’s something we’d definitely hate.

We’re a few days from the Presidential Election and being rich is an issue. Mitt Romney is rich, and people don’t like that. He’s “out of touch” or “aloof.” We should just admit the real problem: He’s rich. Oddly enough, Obama is also rich, but it’s a different kind of rich. He became rich as a politician, which should certainly be more suspicious than inheriting money. Somehow, that’s different but not really. We have two Harvard-educated multi-millionaires running for President. That’s pretty much par for the course. Don’t you hate that?

Hating the rich crosses party lines. When George W. Bush ran against John Kerry, we had the same thing–two Ivy League multi-millionaires. They both went to Yale. Both were rich. Really rich. But Kerry seemed super-duper rich. That’s because he married a rich woman, the widow of John Heinz. Heinz was rich. Why? Heinz Ketchup. That’s right–inventors of the greatest ketchup known to man. That’s just too damn much money in one house. Kerry was aloof and out of touch. Bush was down to Earth. Both are richer than most of us can ever think about being without hitting a lick, but one seemed richer than the other and, thus, more hateable.

Most of our Presidents in the past century were rich. JFK was rich. His family made a fortune in bootlegging, but money is money. FDR was so rich that he could marry his own cousin and no one cared. Try that today. Nixon was rich, although he made all his money as a politician. Good old Tricky Dick. I don’t know if Reagan was rich, but he was some kind of movie star–they’re all rich. Now, Truman wasn’t rich. In fact, he was so not rich that the federal government became concerned about him and gave him a pension. No one wanted to see a former president penniless. You don’t have to be rich to be President, but it sure doesn’t hurt. We hate that about the President.

I’m told I should dislike Romney because he’s rich. Apparently, if you’re really rich, you’re evil. I’ve never seen that correlation, but it would make me feel better if it were true. You know, something like rich people eating poor people. Supposedly, Romney doesn’t care about anyone but the rich. I guess that’s possible, but he’s given a lot of his money to charity which can’t be all bad unless it’s a charity for rich people. Folks should just cut to the chase and say: “Vote for Obama. He’s rich but not as rich as Romney.” Naturally, we’d hate anyone who said that.

Even though we hate the rich, we all want to be rich, don’t we? We play the PowerBall to get rich, even though the odds are better that you will one day live next door to someone who walked on the moon than actually winning. It’s worth a shot. When someone wins the PowerBall, don’t you hate them just a little bit?

If there’s a downside to being rich (other than all the hate), it’s that you might not always be rich. It happens. That would suck. Then you’d have to hate people who are like you used to be and are what you want to be, too. Seems like that would be tough. We’d hate that.

One good thing about the rich is that it’s okay to hate them. Other than politicians and athletes, hate isn’t socially acceptable. You can hate the rich without being a bigot or some kind of phobe. Try saying “Eat The Poor.” You’ll have no friends.

If you’re rich, take no offense. I don’t really hate you. I’m just a wee bit jealous. I’d like to be your friend. More importantly, I’d like a trust fund. Of course, if you are rich, I doubt you’d read my foolish blog, but one of your servants might read it to you. (Sorry, more rich people envy. Don’t hate me).

Oh well. Make friends with some rich people. Then, eat them.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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Five Issues I Don’t Care About (Maybe)

We’re less than two weeks from the Presidential Election. Regardless of the outcome, it’s the end of the Republic. At least that’s the consensus on social media. That’s unfortunate.

People on social media have many, many important things to say about the upcoming election. Some folks post dozens of times a day about it. I don’t mind. Just because I don’t do something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I’ve watched every episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Last night, I watched a full hour of Call of the Wildman. I’m sure you wouldn’t do that, but it’s okay for me.

I can read those political posts or ignore them, just like I do posts about kids or dogs or people with awful diseases. Social media is the ultimate free speech zone. The best thing about all of it is that it makes me think about the issues that matter most–or least–to me.

I live in Kentucky, where we have no say in the Presidential election. By the time we have our primaries, both major parties have chosen their nominees. In the general election, no one seems to care about our paltry eight (or whatever pitiful number it is) electoral votes. I don’t think President Obama could find Kentucky on a map. Mitt Romney has been here, but that was only to raise money. So, my vote may not count, but I don’t really care.

I’m not a political animal, but I do vote. I’m fairly well-informed on the issues that matter to me. Those, of course, are the important issues of the day.

I’m concerned about the nation’s debt. Personally, I’ve never had debt problems. I live within my means and don’t borrow money. I would be a poor legislator.

I don’t like our country becoming a territory of the Chinese government. We owe them money, and they make all our stuff. Okay, not all of it, but a hell of a lot. They also control the minerals we need to make things like computers. Seems like a bad deal.

I don’t like our dependence on the Middle East for oil. Until we started sucking at their collective petrol teat, these countries were irrelevant. They’ve had us by the short hairs now for 40 years.

I’m also an unabashed supporter of the U.S. coal industry. The hate of coal is so virulent that we even have people who protest the exporting of coal. If you’re anti-coal, you don’t get my vote. Pretty simple.

There are also many, many issues which don’t move the needle for me. Now, understand that doesn’t mean they aren’t important nor does it mean that they shouldn’t be important to YOU. But this post is about ME. If that bothers you, try not to be so self-centered.

So, what DOESN’T matter to me? The list is almost endless. For brevity’s sake, I’ve distilled the list to the five issues which matter the least:

RELIGION: Specifically, anyone else’s religion. Mitt Romney is a Mormon. Some people say the LDS church is a cult, although Billy Graham doesn’t list it as one anymore. I suppose that’s progress. My grandparents were Mormons. So are a lot of my relatives. I like Mormons. That said, I’m not a Mormon, and I don’t really care if Romney is one. One caveat to this is if you don’t like him because he’s a Mormon. Then, it matters but only in a contrarian kind of way.

So, I don’t care about a politician’s religion. Okay, if someone were an avowed Satanist, I might care about that. Obama is a Christian. Good for him. I don’t care. Some people say he’s a Muslim. If he were, it wouldn’t mean anything to me, either.

Now, if you insist that I believe your religion, I probably will care about that. I wouldn’t vote for anyone who demanded that I believe as he or she does. As Thomas Jefferson noted, whatever you believe won’t break my leg or pick my pocket. I would note, however, that you might use it as an excuse to do both.

Now that I think about it, maybe religion does matter, at least to the extent that you try to shove it down my throat. Or break my leg. Hmmm.

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST: Here are some sample headlines I intend to trademark:

MARKETPLACE BOMB KILLS [fill in number]
SUICIDE BOMBER KILLS [fill in number]
UNREST REPORTED IN [fill in name of Middle Eastern country]
[fill in name of Middle Eastern country] THREATENS ISRAEL
ISRAEL VOWS RETALIATION AGAINST [fill in name of Middle Eastern country]
FERRY SINKS, KILLING [fill in number]

If I got a nickel every time a variation of these is printed, I’d retire in six months. Any of these could have been a headline any day in the last 40 years. Okay, maybe not the ferry thing, but have you ever noticed how many ferries sink in other countries? I don’t know if it happens in the Middle East, but it seems like it would.

Here’s a pointer for anyone running for office: THESE PEOPLE DON’T GET ALONG WELL! They don’t geehaw, as some say. They aren’t ever going to get along. Ever. Anwar Sadat tried to make them get along better. What did he get? The Nobel Peace Prize and shot to death. There’s a lesson in that.

Here is what I want to hear a future president say:

Today, I’m pleased to announce that the U.S. has imported its last barrel of oil. To our friends in the Middle East, I say, on behalf of all Americans: You can kiss our red, white and blue ass from now on!

It’s possible that I might care about this if there were a candidate who said that he or she didn’t give a damn about it. Then, you’d have my attention. So, I guess I care about it to the extent that I want a candidate who also doesn’t care about it.

IMMIGRATION

Bitching and moaning about immigrants is as American as apple pie. My German ancestors were despised in Pennsylvania. The Irish were hated in New York. Jews were despised for decades. Italians? You bet. Vietnamese? Bingo. Japanese? Hell, we put them in concentration camps–and they were U.S. citizens! We’ve even been prejudiced against Africans, and we FORCED their ancestors to come here.

Now, people piss in their beers about Hispanics. Quit acting like it’s because of illegal immigration. Our history shows that we don’t like immigration, period–legal or not. Hispanic folks have the added disadvantage of looking different. We don’t like people who don’t look like us, whatever it is “we” think we look like.

We’re all immigrants, except the Indians, who aren’t really Indians at all. I’ll grant you that our borders shouldn’t be sieves. That said, I don’t care how many Hispanic or other folks are in our country. They’re here, and we don’t have any way to deport all the folks here illegally. Quit pretending like we do.

Wow. I got pretty fired up. I think I do care about it. Weird.

JOBS

I need to explain this one. I do, of course, care about unemployment. It’s just that no politician can convince me that he or she will create jobs. How, exactly? The government has to spend huge amounts of money to actually hire people. We need to spend less money, not more.

Even the most conservative politicians will call themselves as job creators, usually by pointing to some success in the business world. What exactly are you planning to do–hire all the unemployed people?

Now, if you have a plan to strengthen our private economy, I’m all ears. I may not be persuaded, but I might at least listen.

Now, that I think about it, I’ve always had a job. Maybe I’m not the best person to weigh in on this one. Of course, I’m not concerned about it. I better reserve judgment. Depending on the outcome of the election, I guess it could be an issue for me.

TAXES

Okay, I pay a lot of taxes and don’t want to pay more. I do, however, understand that there could be times when tax increases are needed. My problem is that my taxes are increased by a government that never decreases its spending. It’s like loaning money to your drunk brother-in-law who will pay you back when he gets a job. Of course, he won’t get a job because he’s drunk and keeps spending your money. As long as he gets your money, why get a job?

I don’t believe any politician who says that he or she will never raise taxes. Mitt Romney says that he wouldn’t increase taxes even if it resulted in a tenfold benefit to the government. That’s hard to believe. In fact, it’s impossible to believe.

I’m also dubious of politicians who increase spending and then make the case for higher taxes (see Obama, Barack). If you decreased spending and then needed more revenue, maybe I’d be persuaded. If you spend more, I would expect you to need more cash. Try spending less and then check back with me. Have you ever asked your boss for a raise because you owed a bunch of money to people? Try it.

The fundamental problem is that the subject of taxes is fertile ground for lying. No one ever won an election on the platform of “Vote for Me. I’ll Tax The Hell Out of You.” Whatever you say about it, you might be lying. If you say you’re going to raise MY taxes, that’s probably not a lie, but–like any right thinking America–I can’t support that radical agenda.

Now, if you’ll cut my taxes, I’m down with that. Now that I think about it, I’m against raising my taxes and all for lowering my taxes. I guess I do care about it, at least in a completely self-absorbed sort of way.

So, there they are. Things don’t matter to me, but maybe do now, upon further reflection. I hope this is helpful to you when you vote on November 6. If not, I don’t care. I think.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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The Madness of Joe Biden

: While Paul Ryan tries to make a point, Joe Biden laughs like Chris Rock is on stage.

I didn’t watch the Vice-Presidential Debate. After watching a bunch of clips of it, I wish I had. Joe Biden went mental. I’m not sure that he made any salient points, but he put on a show, gesticulating like a silent film star. It might not be good politics, but it was certainly good theater.

It raises the question, of course, of whether Biden is mad. Not angry, but mad as a hatter mad. He probably isn’t, but he could be. His odd and inappropriate behavior was certainly refreshing after the President’s narcoleptic performance in his first debate. After the President’s woeful effort, the pressure was on Biden. He delivered, I guess.

I imagine Biden’s debate prep going like this:

Aide: Mr. Vice-President, when he mentions Medicare or Medicaid, that is your opening to say that Romney plans to take 700 billion out of the system, while the President’s plan is actually 700 billion in savings. You must stress that at every opportunity.

Biden: Yeah, I’m sure that’s a good idea, son. How about this? Every time he says anything, I’ll just laugh like a f***ing tool.

Of course, if the VP were truly insane, this would be problematic. Normally, the VP is just an ineffectual twit like Al Gore or Dan Quayle. Common sense dictates that we are indeed fortunate that neither of those empty vessels ascended to the White House; however, neither appeared to be certifiably deranged. Biden, perhaps, is different.

Actually, I doubt he is truly daft. If you learn about his background, he’s quite impressive. He has overcome terrible tragedy and illness and spent most of his adult life in the U.S. Senate. I think the man is an entertainer. I suspect he read my post on how to liven up the Presidential Debate and took it to heart.

Poor Paul Ryan and his wonkish–yet compelling–numbers crunching. As soon as he would make a point–or attempt to do so–Biden would cackle or roll his eyes or fart to draw attention to himself. It was like they forced Ryan to debate Jim Carrey.

From what I saw of the VP Debate, I came away with three impressions of Biden:

1. Laughing is okay, I guess, but I would try to tamp it down when topics like terrorism and assassination are being discussed.

2. He might have been high.

3. As annoying as it was, it’s a good laugh–a hardy guffaw. I think he really did think everything was funny. Maybe he is nuts.

Ryan’s reactions were funny, too. He seemed baffled by Biden. One time my mother had a bad reaction to some medication and couldn’t make any sense when I talked to her. Ryan probably felt like I did then.

With no more VP debates, Ryan is now at a disadvantage–at least as far as being interesting is concerned. Should he try to counter Biden’s Ace Venture: Vice-President performance? If not, why not? If so, how?

Ryan is no shrinking violet. We know he can run a marathon in Kim Jong iL-like times. He has the body fat of a world-class athlete. He poses for pictures like this:

: Ryan putting on a gun show

I like this, because I also like to pose like that:

: Your author’s pythons put Congressman Ryan’s spaghetti arms to shame.

Okay, those pictures are irrelevant. I just needed an excuse to post one of me. Let’s continue.

Ryan also has an impressive story and, like Old Joe, has spent his adult life in Congress. He also appears to have a sense of humor. That’s a good thing. With a month left before the election, he must let the public know that Biden isn’t the only able to capture the public’s imagination.

Why should he try to out-Biden Biden? Ryan impresses me as a smart guy. I like a lot of his ideas. That’s all well and good, but it won’t help dim the glare of Biden’s Bidenness. Besides, no one votes for the VP anyway, except possibly the candidates’ families. Think about it: Mondale, Quayle, Gore, Cheney–No one would vote for them. Even when we do, we know it’s a mistake (Bush the Elder). Okay, I’ll admit that most people did vote for Gore, but what the hell were they thinking? Oh, yeah, GW. Let’s move on.

None of this will sway votes, but it should be a matter of personal pride. Ryan needs to make an impression these last three weeks. Boring numbers about deficits and entitlements won’t do it. Here are five modest suggestions:

1. Donate his widow’s peak to Biden to make hip youthful-looking hair plugs.

2. Hook up with Biden’s daughter. Call Biden Poppa Joe.

: Paul Ryan needs to work himself into this picture with Ashley Biden, uber hot daughter of Crazy Joe.

3. Mock Obama’s Kenyan heritage by challenging him to a marathon.

4. With no future debates, try to explain budget plan to confused old men at a Waffle House lunch counter.

5. Publicly announce that “If that old man laughs at me just one more time, I’m going all P90X on his ass! You can write it down!”

These pointers will help, but Ryan has to step up. Again, this won’t win the election for Romney, but it will entertain us, and that’s the important thing. Perhaps, Ryan can attend the next Presidential debate and then he can laugh uproariously throughout. Maybe he can guest star on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and debate Sugar Bear.

(I would make one serious suggestion: Fire the aide who suggested the anecdote about the family maimed in a car wreck, since–ahem–Biden’s wife and daughter were killed in a car wreck. That was a little awkward.)

I’ve concluded that both candidates are actually better than the ones their parties nominated for President, even if one of them acts nuttier. I would like them to be Co-Presidents, in fact. Since that’s not possible, maybe they can star in a remake of The Odd Couple or in their own sitcom: Crazy Joe and Paul about a bookish young man forced to live with his senile uncle.

Although I’ll vote for Romney, I have to admit that I like both Biden and Paul. While I might disagree with Biden’s politics, he’s feisty, nutty and passionate. He’s also prone to gaffes which are entertaining. Ryan is smart and not afraid to propose radical ideas. I like that. Neither one seems to take himself too seriously (I certainly can’t say that about their Presidential counterparts). I just wish they had another debate scheduled. Maybe Biden would turn the tables and cry throughout.

So, is Old Joe crazy? Crazy like a fox, I say. Having him as VP is like giving Obama a Kevlar exoskeleton. Everyone–regardless of political stripe–will pray for Obama’s good health if he’s re-elected.

I don’t have anything else to say. I think Biden said it best, “HAHAHAHAHA!”

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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A Debate Overview: What Went Wrong?

Like most folks, the first Presidential debate surprised me. I wasn’t surprised that Romney did so well. What did he have–like 200 debates against that Republican field? He should be ready for anything after that. Debating a comparatively sane person should be like shooting lay ups on a four-foot goal. No, the surprise was how poorly President Obama performed.

I’m one who disagrees with many of Obama’s positions. Now, don’t confuse me with people who think he’s a time traveler able to doctor birth records in the past or that he’s lived his entire life as some sort of Manchurian Candidate groomed by a cabal of Muslim socialists to take over the world . I just disagree with him. That said, I know why people like him. He’s convincing and charming. So, it was all the more surprising that he was neither in the debate.

Of course, there have been many on the left rising to his defense with explanations. Some say Obama did fine, but Romney is just a big, fat liar. Al Gore thinks it was the altitude (personally, it bothers me if the President is only able to function well at certain elevations, but that’s probably just me). Chris Matthews has just yelled a lot without really making a point.

Regardless of the validity of any of these arguments, I’m convinced that something had to be wrong. Naturally, no one will admit that, but I don’t give up that easily. Through a combination of cursory research, speculation and guess-work, I have surmised a number of reasons to explain Obama’s performance:

10. Thought it would be more humiliating if the Republicans lost to a stammering moron.

9. He forgot it was his anniversary, and Michelle hit him in the head with a frying pan just before the debate.

8. Squandered valuable preparation time watching TiVo’d episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

7. All that writing he was doing? Sudoku.

6. Last minute decision to bring in poorly prepared “Replacement” President.

5. Counted on Jim Lehrer to strangle Romney over PBS comments.

4. Mistakenly thought debate format required only disinterested scribbling and smirking.

3. Debate coach: Joe Biden.

2. Thought he could use Bill Clinton as a “life line.”

1. Let’s just say that the altitude wasn’t the only thing a “mile high” at the debate.

As an aside, I’m probably done with my debate-watching for this cycle. I know how I’m voting, and the debates won’t change that. I do, however, hope they liven up a bit. My ten-year old son kept hoping they’d attack each other. My 17-year-old, on the other hand, had just watched the Kennedy-Nixon Debate at school and said they didn’t “choose” each other like Romney and Obama.

I do have one hope for the remaining debates–that they get the make-up fixed. Jim Lehrer looked like the Joker. Obama’s make-up was some pancake stuff that made him the color of a creamy Dove Bar. Romney–despite his fabulous hair–was just blotchy. It’s HDTV folks. Get it together.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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Debating 101: A Primer

My father was fond of saying “This isn’t a high school debate!” whenever I took exception to anything he said. It was his way of saying “Shut the hell up!” That’s pretty much how I would handle a debate if I were a Presidential candidate.

I have never participated in a debate. I’ve argued a lot and even yelled at people, but that’s different. I have been married for almost 25 years, so these types of encounters happen on occasion. That said, I’m sure I would do poorly in a real debate.

I don’t pay that much attention to politics, except for the few issues which interest me. As a result, I’m not fan of political speeches or heated back-and-forth on the issues of the day. I do, however, watch quite a bit of television. Presidential debates are, after all, made-for-TV events. As such they neglect one basic element of good television: Entertainment.

Despite some thinking that 47% of the public has made up its mind about the election, I doubt that. My guess is that 45% are in the bag for Obama and 45% are on the Romney bandwagon. That leaves 10% to decide the leader of the Free World.

Chances are that these folks aren’t much interested in politics, but–like all of us–they want to be entertained. Something has to resonate with these folks–draw them in. I don’t think two stiff politicians droning on about political minutia will do it.

The few debates I’ve watched have been dreadfully dull, like most of the candidates. Given the critical nature of the upcoming presidential debates, I’ve thought about what could be done to spice them up a tad.

The first thing needed is a change in format. Rather than one dullard as a moderator, I would pick a panel of controversial blowhards. My initial thought is to have Keith Olberman, Ann Coulter and Simon Cowell. Instead of the usual mundane questions, they could take turns introducing hot button topics, such as:

You, sir, are a damned liar!
Tell us about Bill Ayres!
Where are your tax returns?
Where is your birth certificate?
Sing your favorite song!
I hate you!
You are a communist!
You are a rich sonofabitch!
You are a Muslim!
You are a Mormon!
You don’t have star power!

After each topic is introduced, each candidate will have two minutes to respond. Our panel, being pathologically unable to stay quiet, will be free to interrupt the responses with their own inane rants.

These changes, while helpful, won’t fix things unless the candidates themselves are willing to make some changes to their own approaches. Below are my suggestions for both candidates:

For Obama:

If asked about the economy, light up a Marlboro and mutter “I don’t know. I just don’t know….”
Demand that Romney make public all his tax returns…and his wives.
Invoke Patriot Act; Declare Romney an Enemy Combatant.
Announce that Biden is being replaced with The Turtle Man so that someone more qualified will be in line for the Presidency.
Throw Osama Bin Laden’s head into the audience, screaming: “I didn’t say anything about not spiking his head!”
If asked about taxes, respond with: “I’m taxing you bastards into the Stone Age.”
Plant Bill Clinton in the audience. Have him interrupt to answer any difficult questions.
At some point, say: “KARL Marx?!?! That’s completely different! All this time, I thought I was following GROUCHO!”
Counter any valid argument with “I’ve got your predator drone, right here!”
Announce plans to end war in Afghanistan; start war in America.

For Romney:

Enter stage with Honey Boo Boo on his shoulders, thus insuring ratings bonanza and currying favor with the 47%.
Announce that he’s legally changed his name to “Mint” and wear gigantic gold dollar sign around neck.
Pointedly challenge Obama: “If you’re really Kenyan, then explain to the public why you can’t run faster than Paul Ryan!”
Draw hilarious caricature of Mohammed.
Drink first cup of coffee ever during debate. Go mental.
Announce plans to invade Canada.
Take vow of poverty, then laugh uncontrollably until time is up.
Respectfully address Obama as “Commissar Commie Pinko Obama.”
Wear a monocle.
Undermine Biden’s inroads with biker-voters by referring to Ann as “my old lady.”

In addition to these specific pointers for the candidates, there are also general tactics which can be used by either candidate. These will insure lively back and forth while not turning off the viewer with wild, controversial stands on important issues.

A tried and true approach is to redirect the question toward a topic you’d really like to discuss. I call this “Debate by Diversion.” Here is an example:

QUESTION: Sir, you have been accused of being vague on specifics. How exactly will you balance the federal budget?

ANSWER: I’m glad you asked that question. A balance budget is vital to our future–and that of our children. I will balance the budget, but–speaking of children–the more important question is why does my opponent continue to deny that he authored a series of erotic novels for children?

This outlandish and baseless accusation will subtly divert the viewer from the mundane budget issues, focusing his or her attention on the more inflammatory topic of adolescent erotica. The opponent will be on the defensive for the remainder of the debate, plus viewers will remain glued to their TVs for the remainder of the debate.

There is also the irrelevant point:

QUESTION: Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak was long viewed as a staunch ally of the United States. With the rise of the Muslim Brotherhood to power in Egypt, what will you do to re-build our relationship with Egypt?

ANSWER: A strong, democratic Egypt is vital to our interests in the Middle East. I will work with all Egyptians to build a strong relationship based upon mutual respect and peace. Of course, the biggest issue facing us today is the rampant abuse of bath salts, both here in the United States and in Egypt.

The candidate has defused a potentially devastating lack of knowledge of the Middle East by injecting an irrelevant issue into the middle of the debate. Many more undecided voters are likely to be addicted to bath salts than to actually know someone in Egypt.

Then, there is the non-response. If your opponent makes an especially stinging comment, respond: “WhatEVer!” Then, storm out of the room and refuse to speak to your opponent until he apologizes, even though he did nothing wrong. Okay, I’ll admit that won’t improve ratings, but it works. My wife does it all the time.

Finally–and most importantly–do not take a position on anything, except being “Anti-Terrorist” and “Pro-America.” Don’t screw up and become “pro-crime” or “anti-God.” Your ratings will plummet.

Trust me, when you watch the debates, you’ll wish they’d read this. Of course, you can always check out Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and watch the debate highlights on the news. That’s my plan.

©thetrivialtroll.wordpress.com 2012

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If Elected….One Man’s Dream

The New Great Seal of the United States

What if I were President? I’ve thought about that. Not much, but I have. Mostly when something doesn’t go to suit me–which is fairly often. “If I were in charge…” I guess I don’t so much want to be President as I want to be a dictator, benevolent or otherwise. But, what if I became President through some Electoral College snafu?

Despite what Rush Limbaugh and others in the Mainstream Media would have you believe, Obama and Romney are not the only candidates. The Reform Party, The Green Party, The Constitution Party, The Objectivist Party, The Socialist USA Party and many others have candidates. It’s not so crazy to think that an Everyman like me could pull this off.

Now, I would never want to run for President. If you want to read about something like that, look no further than Al Franken’s book Why Not Me? Okay, for my conservative friends: Don’t start sending me comments about Franken being a left-wing, liberal Communist. He might be, but he’s also a funny guy. Read the book. You’ll laugh.

I wouldn’t be a good campaigner. I don’t like a lot of travel, and I am famously impatient. I would do poorly in interviews. Here is how it would go:

INTERVIEWER: “You’ve taken a pledge to eliminate income taxes. What do you say to your critics who describe this as foolhardy and completely impossible?”

ME: “I say they can kiss my ass. “

End of interview. End of campaign. Likewise, I would be a poor debater:

OPPONENT: My opponent would have you believe that he has the background and experience to lead this country. Nothing could be further from the truth. He will only lead this country to the precipice of disaster.

ME: “Hmmm. How about I kick your ass?”

End of campaign. There would be many other ways my campaign would end. Someone would come forward with tales of a drunken debauch or mention that I fought a girl one time. Women I dated in my youth would be glad to come forward and derail my ambitions. That doesn’t even touch on the many photographs that may exist. So, no, I would not run for President. This doesn’t stop me from pondering the possibilities of actually being President.

Many of you have wondered what would I do as President? I’m not saying you’d waste your time wondering what you would do, but I know you want to know what I would do. Here’s how it would work:

VICE-PRESIDENT

Since I don’t belong to a political party, I’d probably be bombarded with suggestions from both sides. I’d go against conventional wisdom and go with Kim Jong Nam, estranged brother of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un. Okay, there’s probably some rule that the VP has to be an American. Surely, we can work around that for the good of the country. Nam seems like a fun-loving guy plus he could give us insight into the goings on in North Korea. Also, like his little brother, I’m sure he’s been trained to look at things. That would save me a lot of time and travel.

My affable VP, Kim Jong Nam

Nam was banished by his late father, Kim Jong il, for trying to enter Japan on a fake passport. His explanation? He wanted to see Disneyland. What could be more American than that?

FOREIGN POLICY

The first thing I’d do is announce that our new official policy would be a bitter hatred of foreigners. I don’t really feel that way, but it would be for the good of the country. Here’s how we’d deal with the problem spots around the globe:

Canada: I’ve already written extensively about this Hell hole.
Iran: Nuke ’em.
Afghanistan: I would consider killing everyone in Afghanistan (except the Americans, of course). Since I don’t drink, it’s unlikely that I would really do that. Unlikely. Not out of the question.
The Middle East: I wouldn’t waste any more time on peace efforts. I would unilaterally declare a state of perpetual war and wish them luck.
North Korea: I would announce that it’s the 51st state. That should make them loonier than usual.
Pakistan: Fire bomb the Hell out of it.

I would do all this my first week in office. I would call it the Michael Corleone Doctrine. That should take care of most of our problems.

HEALTHCARE

I’d outlaw it. Plain and simple. If you’re so sickly that you are going to be a drain on our economy, go somewhere else. REAL AMERICANS DON’T GET SICK would be our slogan. It would be on every pick-up truck bumper in the country. My approach would be the same as with sick kids going to school. If your kid is sick, he or she should stay home. If you’re sick, we’ll deport you, maybe to Canada. No need to get the rest of us sick.

SOCIAL SECURITY

I’ll just tell people what they want to hear. That seems to have worked for every other President. I’ll craft my message to my audience:

If I’m talking to old people, I’ll say “Don’t worry. We’re not cutting your benefits.”
If I’m talking to young people, I’ll say: “Don’t worry. Social Security will be there for you.”
If I’m talking to people who don’t need it, I’ll call it an “entitlement” and promise to keep it from killing our country.
If I’m talking to people who need it, I’ll call it a “benefit” and swear to defend it.

Mostly, I’ll just hope it fixes itself.

DEFENSE

We already spend almost as much as the rest of the world combined on our military, but THAT’S NOT ENOUGH! Within my first 100 days in office, I’ll declare such obscure countries as Seychelles, Tuvala and Benin to be part of a Polygon of Evil. I’ll also convince the public that we’ve angered the Martians and an attack is imminent. It might also be possible to play off the popularity of zombie movies and plant that hideous scenario as a possibility. The Amish and Hutterites will be tagged as domestic terror groups. Personally, I will carry a pistol and brandish it wildly before Congress during the State of the Union Address. My indiscriminate use of nuclear weapons will create a continuing need to restock our arsenal. Don’t worry, there will be no defense cuts.

IMMIGRATION

I’ll randomly pick a day and declare that everyone on U.S. soil is now a citizen. In this way, we won’t have any more foreigners roaming around. Then, I will construct a massive wall, but it won’t be on the Mexican border. Instead, it will randomly zig-zag across the country. There will be no point to it.

THE ECONOMY

If it’s as big a mess as it is now, I probably won’t do anything. If I do something, it will come down to two words: Tax and welfare reform (that’s four words, I guess).

Lower taxes create more jobs and generate more money for the government. It only follows that no taxes will do even more good. We’ll probably have to repeal one of the amendments to the Constitution, but how hard can that be? If my No Tax Plan won’t fly, I’ll issue an executive order that I won’t pay taxes. The President is the No. 1 job creator. Less taxes, the more jobs I’ll create. Simple.

Welfare is a bit stickier, but I have a good plan:

If you’re on welfare, you have to work building bridges and other public works. Since we don’t have much–or any–tax money, we’ll need all the help we can get. You’re probably thinking, “Would a bunch of welfare recipients–especially kids–be skilled workers?” Myself, I believe in American Exceptionalism, pinko. Under my plan, if you’re on welfare, no one will ever be able to say “You didn’t build that,” because, by God, you did.
Everyone will qualify for food stamps, but here’s the rub: You can only use them to eat food prepared by other food stamp recipients from government-supplied foodstuffs (we’ll call it Soylent Green). It won’t take long for people to get tired of that crap. I know that kinda sounds like Communism. Hey, the Commies weren’t wrong about everything. If you can look past the 100 million people they killed, they had some decent ideas.

PRESIDENTIAL STYLE

Every President has his own style. Ronald Reagan was the conservative icon. Bill Clinton was “Slick Willy.” There were Honest Abe, Old Hickory, Give ’em Hell Harry. The list goes on and on. I hope to be known as “Old Powder Keg.” Here are some of the things I’ll do to leave my imprint:

I will hold frequent (maybe even daily) press conferences and answer every question with either “I’ll get back to you on that” or “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
I will be the first President to address Congress wearing a John Deere hat.
I will chain smoke anytime I addressed the nation.

Our President missed his chance to make this the new look of the White House.

I will frequently quote Franklin Pierce, as the “Greatest of all our Presidents.”

Franklin Pierce, our seediest President, will be my role model.

I will also frequently quote Jimmy Carter, but I’ll refer to him as “History’s Greatest Monster.”
At least once, I will punch the Speaker of the House in the face just before the State of the Union Address.
I will appoint Gallagher, Manny Ramirez and Brooklyn Decker to the Supreme Court.
At least once, I will address the nation shirtless.
I will close every speech with “So, what the hell are you gonna do about it, anyway?”

Unlike LBJ, I won’t wait until I’m out of office to sport a mullet

Finally, if my popularity wanes, I will execute someone on TV. With my bare hands.

THE FINAL DAYS

Although I fully intend to declare myself President-for-Life, I realize that my time in office will likely be brief. My finals days will, no doubt, be weighed down by impeachment proceedings and assassination attempts. There is also a strong possibility of emotional and/or mental breakdowns which go largely unnoticed by the public because of my volatile personality. When it becomes apparent that I will not stay in office, I will abruptly quit without even giving a two-week notice.

After my resignation, I will immediately check into rehab for a dangerous addiction to bath salts and barely-legal Asian amputee pornography. I will emerge a new man and spend the rest of my life giving speeches for 500K a pop. Sweet.

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The Politics of Facebook

I’m not ashamed to admit that I love Facebook. I first joined in 2008 to see what my kids were doing on there. After I figured out that they weren’t joining any cults or plotting my demise, I started to enjoy it. I post something almost everyday. It has brought me in touch with many folks I’ve lost track of over the years. I would never be able to catch up with all the people I know on FB. Now, I’m up to speed on people who I knew well for many years, a lot of whom I’d forgotten.

I find social media superior to actual socializing in many ways. I don’t have any way to keep up with this number of people on a daily basis. I don’t hang out in bars or go to parties. I don’t like talking on the phone. Even if I did, I’d still only be in touch with a small number of people. Social media doesn’t require awkward chit-chit, although I am very skilled at small talk. I like looking at photos of people’s families but–unlike the slide show of days of yore–I can cut out when it gets dull. There are also folks that post things that make me laugh. I’m really big on laughter. If you can make me laugh, you have a fan for life.

When I first joined FB, I was amazed at how quickly I could find folks I hadn’t seen in years. We all enjoyed posting photos and updates on our current doings. It was like a huge class/family reunion. At the time, young people dominated it. Over time, they’ve drifted away, just like with MySpace. Now, it’s dominated by adults. As such, of course, a lot of the fun has been wrung out of it.

Religion, dogs, cats, babies and random musings are all still very much present. Oh, and don’t forget all the games. Mafia Wars gave way to Farm Ville which has given way to City Ville and poker. I don’t play any of those, that’s cool. Just don’t expect me to give you a cow or horse or something. I don’t play. Myself, I try to lighten the mood on FB. Oh, and I brag about my kids, also a common FB topic.

As with all good things; however, there is a dark side. The dark side, as in real life, is politics. Today at lunch, out of curiosity, I scrolled down my wall and counted 26 posts about politics. I’d say on a typical day the number approaches 100, far out-stripping dogs and religion–two other ubiquitous post topics.

Everything is political on FB–religion, contraception, medicine, the weather, gas prices, energy, war, peace. Everything. Except dogs. Everyone loves dogs.

Facebook does a decent job of filtering out religious hate groups, so you’ll have to do some digging if you want to join a group bashing a religion. On the other hand, if you want to wander into the political maelstrom, FB is your place. Here are just a few of the Facebook groups awaiting you:

Republican Bigotry Hate Lies Fears and Distortion.
Republicans are Idiots and Arguing with them is a Waste of Time.
Obama Is A Dumbass.
Obama is A Disgrace to America.
Romney Is An Asshole
Obama Is Gay.
Obama Is So Stupid.
Obama Is A Llama.
Romney Is A Tool.
Romney Is An Animal Abuser.
Romney Is a Big Government RINO.
Democrats and Republicans are Destroying America.
Republicans are Morons.

These are all real. If you don’t believe me, look them up. These groups provide a veritable mother lode of material for you to post on YOUR wall, in case your friends don’t belong to the group. For example, I’m not sure what Obama Is A Llama is about, but they probably have all kinds of good stuff about him being born in Africa. You post enough of that stuff and people will believe it. Seriously.

You can go to any of these groups and find incendiary and controversial things to post like these:

I could caption this: Projected welfare spending over the next 80 years and cause a monstrous debate.

You can post this with the comment: IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS FUTURE, VOTE FOR SOMEONE! Of course, I made up this graph and the statistics. That’s insignificant. I’m trying to make a point about something important.

Here’s another one I made up:

This chart is made up from whole cloth with no explanation of what it means. Yet, I assure you I could get many “likes” of it on FB.

This bit of total nonsense would be taken seriously and reposted by many.

Another favorite is to post a photo of a politician with an insulting and perhaps inaccurate caption, like this:

The President has never said this, as far as I know. That wouldn’t stop me from posting it.

Or, if your political bent is to the left:

The possibilities are endless. Scroll down your wall on FB and see the many, many variations of this theme. Doesn’t it influence your choice? Oh, it doesn’t. Welcome to the club, I suppose.

Now, please read the following: I AM NOT TELLING YOU NOT TO POST SUCH THINGS. I HAVE NO AUTHORITY TO DO SO. Okay, let’s continue. I just have a few helpful thoughts regarding this endless wallpapering.

NO ONE IS GOING TO CHANGE THEIR MIND

We all know that politics is like religion. It can be fairly be thought of as religion’s stupid, obnoxious, deadbeat brother-in-law. Like religion, people believe what they believe. Let’s say you’re a communist. God bless you, I say, although admittedly you may not be receptive to that. As a believer in the collective nature of property and the state’s obligation to dispense resources, you won’t listen to my well-reasoned endorsement of capitalism. Likewise, endless FB posts won’t change anyone’s mind. They remind me of what I heard someone say of religion: No one was ever shamed or screamed into church. Same goes for your views.

Even if I were subject to being influenced, what would I believe? Barack Obama is either a socialist, communist, anti-American, Kenyan Muslim whose sole goal in life is to destroy America and redistribute the wealth to illegal aliens and welfare mothers OR he’s a charming, brilliant, visionary who saved the country from destruction and will lead us into a new era of enlightenment. What of Romney? He’s an out of touch elitist who hates the poor, loves the rich, belongs to a religious cult, cheats on his taxes and wants to create a society of super-rich titans OR he’s a visionary businessman, who will cut everyone’s taxes and restore prosperity to every man, woman and child, as well as return American to its rightful place as the leader of the Free World. Your posts confuse me.

BE PREPARED TO OFFEND

Remember, the more you talk about politics, the more likely you are to offend someone. That someone might even be your friend. We all know that some religions believe that you should proselytize, which means try to impose your views on others. I suppose that politics works the same way. If you think you can do that without offending people,you are sadly mistaken. It’s long been recognized that politics and religion are two topics you should never bring up, unless you’re ready for a fight.

In my early days on FB, I had experience with this. One of my “friends” posted a hateful post about Muslims, suggesting that they should all pack up and leave the U.S. I commented that we are entitled to worship as we see fit or not at all. I was told that America is a Christian nation and that if you don’t like that leave, suggesting that I probably need to leave, too. Let’s just say that the discussion deteriorated from there. I was “unfriended,” the harshest of all social media rebukes.

As far as I can tell, everyone on FB is either an evangelical Christian or an atheist. Imagine that I start posting-multiple times a day–anti-Christian photos, jokes, etc. I’m pretty sure my FB friends list would dwindle rapidly. Why? Because I would offend. I’m surprised that the political posts don’t draw the same fire.

This is probably because that most of us accept political debate. So, there must be a high level of tolerance for this stuff in social media, too. But, if you do offend, don’t be surprised. Now, understand that I am NOT offended. My friends-both on FB and in real life–run the gamut from left wingers who would gladly be Communists if it were still fashionable to ultra-right wing extremists who would have no problem with wearing a swastika were it not for the obvious associated stigma. We get along fine.

MAKE YOUR POINT AND MOVE ON

I’m a bit of hypocrite on this point, because I post a lot on FB–probably enough to annoy most people. I’m sure that a lot of my “friends” have blocked my posts. If you’re one of them, to Hell with you, I say. Where was I? Oh, yeah, politics.

Here’s the deal: Although politicians hold to the old standard of saying the same things over and over, I’m not sure it works in social media. One or two posts a day on a particular topic

You don’t want to be accused of ranting. Ranting is the act of lunatic. If you’re a lunatic, no one will listen to you, unless they’re in the Tea Party. (THAT’S A JOKE! See how I like to lighten the mood?)

The biggest problem with repetition is that it’s just dull. Who wants to hear the same things over and over and over? Obviously, some people do, but most of us don’t. One can be forgiven for being opinionated. Boring is unforgivable.

WHAT’S MY POINT?

As usual, I don’t have one. I’m one of those odd people who don’t mind other people’s opinions, even if I disagree or they get ponderous. People much smarter than I am have long observed that it’s hard to learn anything if one only listens to people with whom one agrees. Whoever came up with that would love Facebook, because it’s not possible to go on your wall and not disagree with something.

I don’t discount the possibility that you don’t want me to agree with you. Maybe you’re a pompous know it all. That’s cool. Maybe you hate people and need to vent. That’s not so cool, but I understand.

I’m going to continue to post odd status updates, brag on my kids and post links to this blog. You can continue trying to convince me to vote for someone. It’s a free country, at least until one of those bastards wins.

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